KaputInKansas Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Hello All, I'm new here, and I thought I would just say "hi". I'm recently separated (as of 9/9/06), but not by my choice. I, too, as many others here have professed, was informed by my spouse that she wasn't feeling "connected" to me anymore, and that she wasn't sure she still loved me. I've been experiencing quite a bit of emotional pain this last week, and I'm sure it's not going to get better anytime soon. At any rate, I just wanted to introduce myself, and I will be spending some time reading through the posts here, gathering information appropriate to my situation. From what I've read so far, it seems like a good group of people "live" here. Take care, -Lee
LakesideDream Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Sad Lee, Sorry you are having troubles. Try to stay on an even keel. I don't have any advice on how to deal with what you are feeling, other than trying to stay as calm as possible. Do you have any plans?
Jane Doe Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Welcome to the board (although I'm sorry it's under these circumstances). I'm new here myself. Feel free to talk when you need to.
Adunaphel Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Hello and welcome on LoveShack! I'm sorry that you are going through some rough times.
alphamale Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 KaputInKansas said: From what I've read so far, it seems like a good group of people "live" here. Welcome KiK....to bad you find us under your bad circumstance. I assure you the LS house is a great place to hang out. Now, I have the 1st floor master bedroom. Maybe you can take CaliGuy's old room, its up in the attic.
Adunaphel Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 alphamale said: Now, I have the 1st floor master bedroom. Since when have you been working in the house-cleaning business?
alphamale Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Adunaphel said: Since when have you been working in the house-cleaning business? No, that's my room...the one i live in here at LS
Author KaputInKansas Posted September 16, 2006 Author Posted September 16, 2006 LakesideDream said: Sad Lee, Sorry you are having troubles. Try to stay on an even keel. I don't have any advice on how to deal with what you are feeling, other than trying to stay as calm as possible. Do you have any plans? None as of yet, though the wife and I are going on a "date" this evening. It will be the first contact we've had in a week. I'm trying to remain level-headed about the whole thing. Thanks for your interest. I'll provide more background on my situation tomorrow.
Author KaputInKansas Posted September 16, 2006 Author Posted September 16, 2006 Jane Doe said: Welcome to the board (although I'm sorry it's under these circumstances). I'm new here myself. Feel free to talk when you need to. Thank you, Jane. I should have a [slightly] better idea of where I stand in my marriage after tonight. I'm trying to prepare myself for either eventuality.
Author KaputInKansas Posted September 18, 2006 Author Posted September 18, 2006 Well, THAT didn't go as planned. First, we had to cancel our "date", since her sister, who was supposed to watch our son, was three hours late in arriving. Soooo, my wife came over around 10 PM, and we sat on the front porch and had a conversation for a couple of hours. Before I get into that, let me provide some background. I'm 38, she's 29, and we've been married for over two years; together for almost three. This is not the first marriage for either of us. We have a two year-old son, and she has a ten year-old stepson from a previous relationship. Throughout our time together, we've had the normal ups and downs couples have, and we dealt with those problems. Or, so I thought. She's been living with her sister for a little over a week now, and her main claim up until this conversation we had last night was that she just didn't love me anymore. Then, last night in our conversation, she professed that she has not loved me for a long time, but that she only realized this very recently. She claims that she still cares about me, and that the separation is for her to determine if she will discover her love for me once again. She tells me that she wants to love me, but that's her head talking and not her heart. She claims that she has not really dealt, emotionally, with any of the past disagreements that we have had, and that she resents me for each and every one of them. (She listed a half a dozen of them off to me.) As she did so, she became more and more angry. I had NO CLUE that all of this was bothering her so much. She also said that she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to see me in any light except a negative one. So, I don't know what to think now. This whole thing is just blowing my mind (and my heart), and I almost feel like she has no intention of trying to reconcile with me, but instead is trying to let me down easy. What sucks is that I moved here with her (to SE Kansas), so that she could be closer to her family after her father passed away a couple of years ago, and here I sit in an empty house with no friends/family for support. (That's why I'm posting here.) Anyway, I'm old enough (and hopefully, mature enough) not to let this situation ruin my life, but damn does it hurt. It really drastically lowers my faith in people, in general, you know? If anyone has any thoughts, please feel free to express them... Thanks, -Lee
Jane Doe Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 I'm really sorry you're hurting so bad. (((((HUGS))))) I can totally relate to feeling alone and having no support. I've pretty much lived my whole life that way. But I digress. It sounds to me like your wife is extremely confused and searching for something. Does she feel she has some more wild oats to sow? Could there be another man involved? I have a hunch she'll eventually find her way back to you, but the question is, would you want her after what she's put you through? I think it's best for you right now to focus on you. Get out and meet some people and don't spend all your time along contemplating this. You can't make someone love you or want to be with you. This is something she's going to have to work out on her own. Counseling would be great for both of you if she'd agree to it but to be honest, it doesn't sound to me like she's all that interested. This is why you need to take care of yourself and start mapping out your own future and happiness.
PWSX3 Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 I know how you are feeling, me & the W are separated right now and she said some of the same things. One of the things I'm trying to understand is the last time we were at consoling she told me some things that bothered her that happened a long time ago yet she never told me before now and I had no clue they bothered her. At the time I thought I was doing something good when in "her" eyes it wasn't. Like jane Do and others on the board will tell you the only person you can worry about is "you" and you can't make someone love you but I know it's hard thinking that way, I'm learning these things as we speak and it is hard especially when you still love your wife/husband. Something that helps me is I try and go for a walk or ride my bike and that gives you time to just think about how to make yourself a better person. Good luck and just keep venting here if you need to, I know that also helps. There is some great help on this board and remember whatever happens if you work on making yourself a better person no matter what happens it will be for the best...
Ladyjane14 Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 KaputInKansas said: .... she professed that she has not loved me for a long time, but that she only realized this very recently. How exactly could she have "not loved you for a long time"? :confused: She only met you THREE YEARS ago!!! She's filling you up on a bunch of bullsh*t. Her explanation doesn't make ANY sense. Unless you've been out-and-out abusive with this woman... you're not hearing the pertinant facts.
Lor Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 question for you--you've both been married before, right? How long after her divorce did you two get together?
Author KaputInKansas Posted September 18, 2006 Author Posted September 18, 2006 Well, I think it's pretty much over and done with. She lit into me today with a hateful email filled with name-calling and such. I'm hurting, but I have to say that it DID give me clarity. She does have some personal issues she needs to work through. I only hope she gets the help she needs and finds happiness. So, I'm going to focus on myself and our little one and try to move on. I won't rule out 100% that we can't resolve things, but the ball is in her court, so to speak. BTW, neither one of had been married for several years when we started dating and I have NOT been abusive.
Jane Doe Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 KaputInKansas said: So, I'm going to focus on myself and our little one and try to move on. That's a very smart thing to do!
Author KaputInKansas Posted September 20, 2006 Author Posted September 20, 2006 Geez, she know how to add insult to injury. We've been separated for a week and a half, and tonight she changed her MySpace page to list her as "Single" instead of "Married". Ouch. Edit: Why is this bothering me so much!? Ugh, I feel like the last three years were all a lie. Sorry if I seem weak...having a hard time of it tonight...nighttime is always the hardest time.
Jane Doe Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 It's bothering you so much because this is all very new and you're grieving. There would be something wrong with you if it weren't bothering you. I think the myspace thing should be a huge wakeup call for you. This speaks volumes about her. The best thing you can do for youself is to delete that page and never go back. I know it's tempting but what good would it serve? She's told you what she's all about. You need to look ahead right now. Take time to grieve over this but whatever you do, don't go checking up on her online (or offline either). Think of yourself and what's best for your emotional and physical well-being. The pain must be overwhelming right now but you won't feel this way forever.
Author KaputInKansas Posted September 21, 2006 Author Posted September 21, 2006 Jane Doe said: It's bothering you so much because this is all very new and you're grieving. There would be something wrong with you if it weren't bothering you. I think the myspace thing should be a huge wakeup call for you. This speaks volumes about her. The best thing you can do for youself is to delete that page and never go back. I know it's tempting but what good would it serve? She's told you what she's all about. You need to look ahead right now. Take time to grieve over this but whatever you do, don't go checking up on her online (or offline either). Think of yourself and what's best for your emotional and physical well-being. The pain must be overwhelming right now but you won't feel this way forever. You're right, Jane...totally. I have been finding myself visiting her two online websites quite frequently, looking for insights into why she did this. I also find myself constantly refreshing my email, hoping that she sends a message saying she wants to try again. What's so crazy is that I know what I need to do, but have trouble getting around the emotional blockade, so to speak. Thanks again for the support!
Jane Doe Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 I can completely relate to what you're going through. I've done the exact same thing you're doing. It becomes almost a compulsion. You're constantly refreshing a page, constantly checking your email, googling for more information, etc. It's maddening and will only serve to stagnate your recovery and keep you in a state of rejection and sadness. You need to back away from the computer, phone and cell phone and get busy with something else. I wish I could recover the time I lost glued to my computer hoping for an email or an update of any kind. All that time I sat there waiting for emails and messages that never came drove my self worth further and further in the ground. Please don't make the mistake I made. What you're doing is like picking a scab off over and over. All you'll end up with is a big ugly scar. I know this is all very new to you and fresh in your mind and heart but you really need to start looking at the future and reconciling in your mind that you have a new life now (minus her) and focus on what you're going to do in the future. This is just the end to a mere chapter in your life, not an end to it all. You can't make someone love you. Take if from someone who knows. Do you have friends and family you can lean on for support? If so, get out of the house and go be with them. Time alone is the last thing you need right now.
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