Did your WS ever tell you WHY?

[silktricks]

It was such a thunderbolt to me when my H told me about it. I'd been having such a hard time about so many things - severe depression, family issues, health issues. I left mostly because I felt that I couldn't give him what he needed at that point. I guess I was selfish, but I felt I needed every bit of energy I had just to keep going one more step. The whole time we were separated he was buying me expensive presents, and taking me on vacations (2 cruises in less than a year, trips to the ocean, Las Vegas, Utah, Los Angeles). He was insanely jealous about the men I work with (big yuck! they are the bottom of the barrel as far as I'm concerned for relationship interest).

 

When I finally felt like I was beginning to get some sanity back, and returned to him, then he told me that he'd been writing this wench for almost the whole time we'd been separated! Leading her on, and letting her think that he cared about and even loved her. I can't say it was a bolt out of the blue - not totally, but still it blew my socks off. To say this was unlike him was putting it mildly.

 

In a lot of ways, it was really confusing to me, 'cause I know the kind of women my H is attracted to - and she didn't fit ANY of the criteria. He told me (and I have no reason to doubt this) that there were two reasons he did it.

 

#1, he was terribly angry with me and wanted to hurt me.

 

#2, he felt so bad about himself, and he wanted to feel like he was smarter and better than someone, and he couldn't feel that way around me.

 

He kept telling me what a stupid woman she was. I don't know that that made me feel any better, but since he obviously wanted it to, I guess I tried to let it.

[bunset]

silk,

 

I'm a WS... OW, married almost 16yrs, and had an A with a MM.

When the MM W discovered the A, he broke it off, as gently as possible, and we've been NC for 3 months. 2 months ago, I couldn't tolerate my M anymore and revealed my A in bits and pieces to my H.

I've tried to explain my "whys" but as time goes by, they make less and less sense.

It has boiled down to one thing. I was unhappy with my M/needed to try something different/escape.

Clearly, there were things I did not like about my H and our relationship.

Yes, these are really my problems, but I absolutely must explain them to my H if I hope to be happy with him, or myself.

I've had to suck it up and face the facts that I have needs and desires that are probably unreasonable. But I have them. And if I care about myself and my H cares about me, we'll want to understand them and work them out.

Now, I think you should go ask him what he was so angry about, and think about your role in his life.

Then show him why you think he's a good man - that is only if you do think so.

Time to look for the positive and put aside the negative - for yourself.

just, please, don't lie to him or yourself. This is an opportunity for you to grow and learn what works best for you, too.

[EndoftheRope]

Silktricks, this is one of the things that is a sticking point for me. Whatever happened with my husband and these two women in particular, I can forgive, we can move on... IF we deal with it. When I found he'd been e-mailing the long-term friend, I was wary and suspicious, but mainly let it go. He obviously wasn't seeing her at or after work by that point. When I found he was having overly-friendly e-mails with the young girl with whom he currently works, we went from once a mistake to twice a pattern. Time to deal with it or I assume it's a matter of time before it happens again.

 

The thing is, he WILL NOT deal with it. He is still insisting that he inadvertently hid a friendship with this woman for thirteen years! He is still insisting that he "didn't know" getting near-daily e-mails from the cute young girl at the office, and telling her he thinks she's cute would hurt me.

 

By the way, these are not the only two female friends I haven't heard about. There was also the friend he had weekly coffee dates with, after work, for who knows how long. A year? Two years? He always told me he was taking a nap on the way home (he worked nights), or grocery shopping. Of course, maybe those coffee dates were really with friend #1, and that was a lie, too.

 

The point being, he needs and I need to know WHY he's doing this. Because he's so insecure he needs this constant sense of admiration from as many women as possible? Because he really is too stupid to know what's appropriate for a married man? Because there's something missing in the marriage? Because I'm doing something that makes him feel inadequate so he gets the ego strokes elsewhere?

 

Whatever it is, it is not going to go away miraculously by itself. Whatever is leading him to this behavior is therefore still there, and will eventually lead him right back to it, IMO.

 

So, for us, he's not only not telling me WHY, he's not even admitting THAT anything wrong happened.

[silktricks]

silk,

Now, I think you should go ask him what he was so angry about, and think about your role in his life.

Then show him why you think he's a good man - that is only if you do think so.

Time to look for the positive and put aside the negative - for yourself.

just, please, don't lie to him or yourself. This is an opportunity for you to grow and learn what works best for you, too.

 

Thank-you for your thoughtful post, Bunset. I see though that I wasn't clear. We've really talked this out, and I'm well aware of why he had such deep-seated anger. Largely, of course, it was because I wasn't there for him when he needed me. (see the above post about my problems at the time.) When I removed myself largely from his life, it made him question my love for him - very understandable in retrospect, but at the time I thought he understood.

 

I was (and am) interested to see what other WS say about why they cheat, and whether or not anger is a reason for many. Your story interested me, as well, regarding your unreasonable needs and desires. What is it that makes them unreasonable?

[serial muse]

my exH never did tell me exactly why. all i know about why he did what he did (he had a roughly 6-month affair - we are now divorced) is from several sessions we had in MC after i discovered what was going on. in conversations with me, though, he didn't really say much.

 

what was revealed in MC was certainly shocking to me - he let loose with a great deal of anger and venom, particularly about the idea that he felt like he didn't have the upper hand in our relationship. this from a guy who everybody - including his own mother - characterized as pleasant and easygoing. i had seen inklings of cruelty from him before, but i guess i didn't let it register. but i had never seen him so bitter. he really resented me.

 

yet when i talked to him about the anger, and tried to get some clearer idea of what he was really so angry about when we were alone, he denied it! and he continued to deny it, up until the last time i talked to him. (our MC, by the way, felt very strongly that the anger was the issue). yet he was tearing me apart on the phone. i was, to say the least, confused. how could i address his anger if he wouldn't even tell me he was angry, let alone why?

 

now, though, i think he was essentially trying to deny the implication that if he were motivated by feelings of buried fury towards me, then his affair was somehow about me - which, to him, still felt like i was in charge. and believe you me, he really, really hated that idea. oh no, not angry at all. :lmao: i think he was a little crazy at that point.

 

so, best guess based on what he did say, i think he did it to hurt me. he hid it well for a long time, so i guess he didn't consciously want me to find out - but he still did it to hurt me. (and subconsciously, i'm quite sure he did want me to figure it out, at least for a while - i think he took the fact that i didn't see it as one more sign that i didn't care. but you know - he was very very good at covering his tracks. he could've made it a little easier on me! )

 

anyway - to sum up, i think it was very similar to what you said about your husband's motivations, silktricks: he wanted to a. lash out at me; and b. feel like he was smarter and better than someone. it's rather sad, that that's how he thought he had to do it. but there it is.

[silktricks]

- i think he took the fact that i didn't see it as one more sign that i didn't care. but you know - he was very very good at covering his tracks. he could've made it a little easier on me! )

 

This sounds familiar, too!! I think also my H wanted to somehow prove that I really wasn't so smart after all. If I was really smart I'd uncover the damn EA (especially since it was almost totally on-line, and I'm the techno-geek in the family!) But conversely, I didn't exactly want to know, and I didn't think I was smart - I thought he was!

 

I'm really sorry that things didn't work out for you, and your marriage ended. But you're probably well out of it if he simply refused to face the fact of his own anger to that level. I hope that your future is rosy and bright!! :bunny:

[grateful]

 

#1, he was terribly angry with me and wanted to hurt me.

 

#2, he felt so bad about himself, and he wanted to feel like he was smarter and better than someone, and he couldn't feel that way around me.

 

Hmmm, silktricks, as a former WS I'm going to try to help. My situation was very different so take it with a grain of salt. My SO and I were going through a rough patch, not anything as severe as what you'd described, but I was a little angry with him and we weren't as connected as we'd been.

 

For me #2 would be the big reason I did what I did. I was not feeling good about myself and so the affair was part of a totally self-destructive pattern. The OM's interest in me gave me bursts of good feelings at a time when I felt very bad about myself.

 

#1 factors in as the way to accomplish #2. Let me explain. I needed that rush of feeling good about myself. I rationalized that I could keep getting it because my SO wasn't quite giving me what I needed. When he made me mad or feel unappreciated I would use these as excuses to continue the affair. I.e. "well SO doesn't seem to prioritize me, he wouldn't care I'm on the phone with OM."

 

What I'm trying to say is that in my circumstance, and I'm guessing most situations, it was all about me me me me me. It really is about the WS's weaknesses and deficiencies. But to feel better about that selfishness, we use anger at the BS as an excuse. Even in retrospect. Don't put this on yourself. The anger at the BS is a means to an end.

 

About the "stupid woman" part: for me, the OM isn't even on the same level in any way shape or form as my SO. Seriously. OM is toxic. I really chose a total jerk because of reason #2 - - he matched how bad I felt about myself. I can see how this makes a BS feel bad, as in why would your H want someone so stupid? But it is about how bad he was feeling about himself. At least, I can say I chose poorly for a similar reason so it's possible. If he seems shocked he risked you in his life over someone like her.... I can totally commiserate. I'm not sure if it just adds to the impression of WS as selfish, but it really is all about the WS, and how bad he/she feels about him/herself, rather than a kind of stamp on the character of the BS by way of comparison. Does that make sense?

[mopar crazy]

I will try to make this short.

 

WH said the reason why he had an A was b/c the xOW paid attention to him. She was attracted to my H for a few years b4 they had their A. She was also M. Our M wasn't the greatest b/c of alcohol abuse on his part. He left me for the OW shortly after I made him quit drinking or the M was over.

 

Their A was short term, a few months but I know she was attracted to him years prior to their A.

 

Less than a month after our children and I moved out of town WH came crawling back begging me for anothe chance, he made a huge mistake, blah, blah, blah. We have been back 2gether for 3 years. He told me he loved how she paid attention to him, made him feel like he was wanted, blah, blah, blah. Ya know the drill. And he knows now and has admitted that if he would of treated me better I would of wanted to pay attention to him.

 

When you've been M for 11 years that "new love" feelings has been long gone. It was for us anyhow. I think he missed it and the xOW made him feel that way again. I missed it too but I surely wasn't going to have an A.

[serial muse]

This sounds familiar, too!! I think also my H wanted to somehow prove that I really wasn't so smart after all. If I was really smart I'd uncover the damn EA (especially since it was almost totally on-line, and I'm the techno-geek in the family!) But conversely, I didn't exactly want to know, and I didn't think I was smart - I thought he was!

 

I'm really sorry that things didn't work out for you, and your marriage ended. But you're probably well out of it if he simply refused to face the fact of his own anger to that level. I hope that your future is rosy and bright!! :bunny:

 

aw, thanks silktricks. and you know, i do think this goes to show that for all the similarities in our stories - many of the motivations appear to be nearly universal - there are significant differences, too. your husband, and grateful, and even a highly conflicted poster like Hard2Think, have all shown degrees of remorse and self-awareness, and a sincere desire to repair their marriages.

 

so although of course it's deeply hurtful to know my exhusband isn't that kind of person (i could take stabs at myself here and say that he just wouldn't do it for me - but i actually know that's not true. he's just not capable of confronting his own demons, and never has been)...anyway, it's nice to see that he by no means represents all WS out there. we're all human, so the fact that people make mistakes along the same lines and for the same basic reasons isn't necessarily surprising. but it's inspiring to see the differences sometimes, too - and that plenty of people can show courage and compassion, even when it means confronting themselves.

[bunset]

Thank-you for your thoughtful post, Bunset. I see though that I wasn't clear. We've really talked this out, and I'm well aware of why he had such deep-seated anger. Largely, of course, it was because I wasn't there for him when he needed me. (see the above post about my problems at the time.) When I removed myself largely from his life, it made him question my love for him - very understandable in retrospect, but at the time I thought he understood.

Hmmmm, sounds to me like he may have answered the question.

He questioned your love for him. He felt unloved and chose to reassure himself that he was loveable to someone.

Again, it doesn't mean that you made him feel unloved, just that he actually felt that way. Just because we don't understand the full reasoning behind it, doesn't mean that the feeling is un-real.

I was (and am) interested to see what other WS say about why they cheat, and whether or not anger is a reason for many. Your story interested me, as well, regarding your unreasonable needs and desires. What is it that makes them unreasonable?

Because, I am already married to this person, who has shared a history with me for 16 years, a child, a home, a social life, etc. I want my H to change, while not changing myself. I am feeling burdened by parenting and being supportive to someone that hasn't been able to meet my emotional needs. I believed that another man could do 'better' and, in turn, would motivate me to do so, also.

We can wish for a million dollars, win the lottery, and still be unhappy or unhealthy.

We can want to eat an entire gallon of luscious ice cream, but not want the health consequences.

I will not lie and say that I feel bad about my A. But, I will say that an A is not real-life. It is only an escape, and it doesn't have room for reality in it.

Reality has an unpleasant way of messing up our dreams, eh?

So, I know I used it as a way to escape from dealing with my unhappiness in my M and my own faults, as well as an avoidance of facing the fact that I couldn't change my H faults, either.

My H faults were not the only reason I was unhappy in my M, so, clearly, they were not the only reason for my A.

Now, I know the wants and desires are unrealistic, because much of them involve controlling how other people think, feel and act - or at least wishing I could. Since it is too much work, if not impossible to manipulate and control everything - then, logically those desires are also unrealistic, like a fairy tale.

[Moai]

What is a WS?

[silktricks]

About the "stupid woman" part: for me, the OM isn't even on the same level in any way shape or form as my SO. Seriously. OM is toxic. I really chose a total jerk because of reason #2 - - he matched how bad I felt about myself. I can see how this makes a BS feel bad, as in why would your H want someone so stupid? But it is about how bad he was feeling about himself. At least, I can say I chose poorly for a similar reason so it's possible. If he seems shocked he risked you in his life over someone like her.... I can totally commiserate. I'm not sure if it just adds to the impression of WS as selfish, but it really is all about the WS, and how bad he/she feels about him/herself, rather than a kind of stamp on the character of the BS by way of comparison. Does that make sense?

 

Thank-you, Grateful. I very much appreciate your post. It was most thoughtful of you to bare your soul in this way. It does feel like what happened with my H is exactly what was going on with you. He/we have been working on his self-esteem, and what caused the problems in the first place. Much of it goes back to childhood (of course!?!) but there were some other things that happened during our relationship that weren't dealt with correctly by either of us.

 

My H also said the same thing, that he couldn't believe that he took a chance on losing me because of the tramp that he was having the EA with. He's still worried that I'm going to leave him, because sometimes I still get depressed. I tell him that I'm not going to leave, that I love him and know that everything will be all right.

 

Again, Grateful, I really appreciate your kind words. Thank-you.

[silktricks]

What is a WS?

 

WS = wayward spouse

BS = betrayed spouse

A = affair

EA = emotional affair

PA = physical affair

OW/OM = other woman/man

H = husband

W = wife

MP/W/M = married person/woman/man (usually the WS )

 

hope this helps - there are more, but I don't remember them right now.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I was (and am) interested to see what other WS say about why they cheat, and whether or not anger is a reason for many.

 

Hi Silktricks,

 

I had a fling with a MM and wanted to leave my H for him at one point. (Does that count?) The reason? Yep, I was extremely angry with my H when I approached that MM. (I made the first move.)

 

Even now, I am still very angry with my H. I haven't told him about the affair. And he has not changed much since then. I guess that's why I'm still angry. We have been seeing a MC for several months now. It does force us to talk to each other, but I can see that we have alot of pent up anger toward each other, and it's not easy to want to change until all that anger is settled.

 

How long did it take you and your H to get over the anger and start the 'rebuilding' process?

[silktricks]

He questioned your love for him. He felt unloved and chose to reassure himself that he was loveable to someone.

Again, it doesn't mean that you made him feel unloved, just that he actually felt that way. Just because we don't understand the full reasoning behind it, doesn't mean that the feeling is un-real.

his feelings were very real, and largely based on things in his past that I knew about, but didn't realize were as catastrophic to him as they were.

 

Because, I am already married to this person, who has shared a history with me for 16 years, a child, a home, a social life, etc. I want my H to change, while not changing myself. I am feeling burdened by parenting and being supportive to someone that hasn't been able to meet my emotional needs. I believed that another man could do 'better' and, in turn, would motivate me to do so, also.

Are you and your husband still together? Have you been able to resolve the worst of these issues? Parenting is so very difficult, especially if you feel that all of the support falls on your shoulders. Sometimes, I know, each partner feels like they are doing all of the work. I think that's more indicative of just how much work there is, and how unreasonable society's expectations are then it is a reflection of true division of labor in a marriage.

 

I will not lie and say that I feel bad about my A. But, I will say that an A is not real-life. It is only an escape, and it doesn't have room for reality in it.

Reality has an unpleasant way of messing up our dreams, eh?

So, I know I used it as a way to escape from dealing with my unhappiness in my M and my own faults, as well as an avoidance of facing the fact that I couldn't change my H faults, either

My H faults were not the only reason I was unhappy in my M, so, clearly, they were not the only reason for my A.

Much as we'd all probably like to put total blame for our unhappiness onto our spouse, as you say, rarely is the other person actually the cause of either our joy or our sorrow. Both the good and the bad usually lies inside of ourselves.

 

Thank-you for your words. I hope that life is better for your now. Much as fairy-tales and imagination can bring fun for awhile, real life is definitely a better place to spend our energy and our time.

 

((((hugs)))) :bunny:

[bunset]

 

Are you and your husband still together? Have you been able to resolve the worst of these issues? Parenting is so very difficult, especially if you feel that all of the support falls on your shoulders. Sometimes, I know, each partner feels like they are doing all of the work. I think that's more indicative of just how much work there is, and how unreasonable society's expectations are then it is a reflection of true division of labor in a marriage.

Yes, for now.

I have given him ample reason to leave, yet he wishes to stay and work things out.

I think he is aware that I, too, have had ample reason to leave, but have somehow managed to find the energy and motivation to keep trying with him.

As for division of responsibilities... hmmm, I'm not sure if we'll ever be able to agree on this one, but at least, we're willing to tolerate the perceived imbalances.

As long as I see effort on his part to acknowledge and work on his faults, I'll have no problem dealing with them either. I know I do work on my own, and always have, always will.

And, once I can cope with my irrational fear of 'abandonment' , I bet he'll have a happier, more loving, pleasant-to-be-around spouse too.

One that he won't feel a need to criticize or fix.

(mostly because I won't be giving him any ammunition, eh?)

[Mz. Pixie]

Hmmmmmm. As a former WS I can look back on alot and see more and more about why I did what I did.

 

First of all, my BS wanted a nanny, a housekeeper, a personal assistant, and a hooker when he wanted sex. He didn't want a wife, because he never spent any time at home. I tried to work on my marriage for years. At the time of the A- we were still having sex- but more out of obligation on my part and to keep him satisfied. Because he would pout like a little kid if he didn't have it once a week.

 

He spent alot of time away from home and most of the responsibilities fell on me.

 

In three years I had several life changing events. My abusive mother- I took care of her financially- she died, and I buried her and paid for everything. Then I brought my grandmother to live with me for several months- I had a new baby- and a full time job. I lost 45 lbs from the work and stress. My grandmother moved in with my uncle but I continually helped take care of her. Then I had a hysterectomy and she died the next week. I buried her and paid for it. She was my rock- and had raised me. I basically had a bit of a breakdown.

 

All this time I'd put things in the place of the relationship I should have had with my H but he wouldn't give me. It was the kids and the house and taking care of my GM. She filled my emotional love bank. Then once she was gone- I could see how empty my life was. I had a H who was a nice guy but we didn't have a relationship. I had my kids and a nice house but I didn't have what I wanted with my H. Because of my background and abusive childhood people thought I could handle anything. There was basically no grieving period for me when either died, I had to suck it up and keep going. What I wanted was a real marriage.

 

I was in a very weakened emotional state, which is no excuse for what I did. The OM came around and was flattering. Pursued me relentlessly for several months and I eventually gave in. I was with him only because he was giving me something emotionally- it wasn't for the sex. But I knew I had to have sex with him if I wanted the emotional to continue.

 

It was very short and we both broke it off as we felt guilty.

 

But yeah, I did tell him- I basically had been screaming at him for months before the A. Not literally screaming but I did tell him how I felt way before I had the A. And he said he didn't have time to work on our marriage.

 

After the A and as we were divorcing I did tell him why. I told him he should have spent more time with me and not been gone all the time. That he should have nurtured our relationship. Even though he hates me for the A- I hope that it eventually clicks in his head that he was partially responsible. Yes, I hold the blame for stepping over the line, completely- and I admit that. But he had me at the edge.

[justice]

My H told me it was because I was working nonstop, it seemed like I was basically ignoring him and our M and only paying attention to my work. He said he felt left out and like he didn't have a place in my life anymore. He also said part of it (most of it) was his fault too, he was insecure and feeling like he needed more of my attention than what he got and it made him feel rejected, he also said that he should have never even considered having an affair in the first place, but should have come right out and talked to me seriously about my workload. We are better now. Not completely healed as of yet, but I did quit working for that company and my hours are such now that I share quality time with him and we do things together. His philandering has now stopped, and he is bringing me flowers and doing little things that let me know how much he cares and loves me. He wasn't doing that back when I was working alot, part of the reason why I threw myself in my work so fully. It is getting better. I hope your M is also. Hugs.

[EndoftheRope]

About the "stupid woman" part: for me, the OM isn't even on the same level in any way shape or form as my SO. Seriously. OM is toxic. I really chose a total jerk because of reason #2 - - he matched how bad I felt about myself. I can see how this makes a BS feel bad, as in why would your H want someone so stupid? But it is about how bad he was feeling about himself. At least, I can say I chose poorly for a similar reason so it's possible. If he seems shocked he risked you in his life over someone like her.... I can totally commiserate. I'm not sure if it just adds to the impression of WS as selfish, but it really is all about the WS, and how bad he/she feels about him/herself, rather than a kind of stamp on the character of the BS by way of comparison. Does that make sense?

 

Interesting observation.

 

One of the things that originally really upset me about the women my husband picked is that they all sound like such empty bimbos-- partying, drinking, sleeping around. All like his sister, in fact; another sore point in our marriage. At a certain point, it just seemed that obviously I was not what he wanted.

 

This puts his choice of women in a new light.

[EndoftheRope]

I will try to make this short.

He told me he loved how she paid attention to him, made him feel like he was wanted, blah, blah, blah. Ya know the drill. And he knows now and has admitted that if he would of treated me better I would of wanted to pay attention to him.

 

Something I pointed out to my husband at one point, when he said he sometimes would rather stay at work. I suggested he say and do to his 'friend' just half of the things he'd said and done to me over the years-- I gave him specific examples-- and he'd find she wouldn't give him the time of day within a week, much less keep making him dinner and washing his clothes.

[silktricks]

Hi Silktricks,

 

I had a fling with a MM and wanted to leave my H for him at one point. (Does that count?) The reason? Yep, I was extremely angry with my H when I approached that MM. (I made the first move.)

 

Even now, I am still very angry with my H. I haven't told him about the affair. And he has not changed much since then. I guess that's why I'm still angry. We have been seeing a MC for several months now. It does force us to talk to each other, but I can see that we have alot of pent up anger toward each other, and it's not easy to want to change until all that anger is settled.

 

How long did it take you and your H to get over the anger and start the 'rebuilding' process?

Sorry I didn't respond to this earlier - I must've overlooked it.

 

It might sound stupid, but I got over the anger before I knew about the A. I was angry with him over other things, and at some point realized that my anger was only hurting myself. I can't say that I haven't been angry with him since, but it's only been a passing things, not the unrelenting walk around and feel like sh*t kind of anger that I was in before.

 

The anger my H had towards me was pretty much washed out during the EA, I believe. Probably me deciding to not be angry anymore helped rid him of his anger as well .

 

Have you decided to tell your H about your A yet?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Sorry I didn't respond to this earlier - I must've overlooked it.

 

No problem. Thanks for your reply.

 

It might sound stupid, but I got over the anger before I knew about the A. I was angry with him over other things, and at some point realized that my anger was only hurting myself. I can't say that I haven't been angry with him since, but it's only been a passing things, not the unrelenting walk around and feel like sh*t kind of anger that I was in before.

 

The anger my H had towards me was pretty much washed out during the EA, I believe. Probably me deciding to not be angry anymore helped rid him of his anger as well .

 

Have you decided to tell your H about your A yet?

 

Hm... The thing between us is that I am more angry with him than he is with me. And since the affair has been 'sort-of' disclosed by my MM's wife (she told my H - but we both denied it) my H's anger has been going up and down. Some days, he'd just wants to work on the marriage and other days, he'd be suspicious and get all angry. (But he wouldn't discuss it either.)

 

Well, I've decided to end the affair, so I don't see the point of tellng my H. The reasons for my having the affair was selfish and I was blinded with anger and rage. It's over now. We attend MC and we try to work it out. But still a lot of anger left....

 

So the short answer to your question, as a WS I have not told my husband why I did it. I did let him know months before the A that I wanted a Divorce and that I was extremely unhappy. He didn't believe me and basically ignored me (coming home even later at night and wouldn't talk about our problems.)

 

Re-reading the posts in this thread, it does seem that anger plays an important role in the WS's decision to start an affair. That is unfortunnate because so many more people are involved after an affair is started and the main problems remain unsolved. As of now, my MM has moved out of his house (probably because he realizes that he can't go on being in a miserable marriage.) As for my H and I... we are still trying.

[Sup]

No problem. Thanks for your reply.

 

 

 

Hm... The thing between us is that I am more angry with him than he is with me. And since the affair has been 'sort-of' disclosed by my MM's wife (she told my H - but we both denied it) my H's anger has been going up and down. Some days, he'd just wants to work on the marriage and other days, he'd be suspicious and get all angry. (But he wouldn't discuss it either.)

 

Well, I've decided to end the affair, so I don't see the point of tellng my H. The reasons for my having the affair was selfish and I was blinded with anger and rage. It's over now. We attend MC and we try to work it out. But still a lot of anger left....

 

So the short answer to your question, as a WS I have not told my husband why I did it. I did let him know months before the A that I wanted a Divorce and that I was extremely unhappy. He didn't believe me and basically ignored me (coming home even later at night and wouldn't talk about our problems.)

 

Re-reading the posts in this thread, it does seem that anger plays an important role in the WS's decision to start an affair. That is unfortunnate because so many more people are involved after an affair is started and the main problems remain unsolved. As of now, my MM has moved out of his house (probably because he realizes that he can't go on being in a miserable marriage.) As for my H and I... we are still trying.

 

So.... You slept with your husband friend?

[silktricks]

Hm... The thing between us is that I am more angry with him than he is with me. And since the affair has been 'sort-of' disclosed by my MM's wife (she told my H - but we both denied it) my H's anger has been going up and down. Some days, he'd just wants to work on the marriage and other days, he'd be suspicious and get all angry. (But he wouldn't discuss it either.)

 

Are you angry about specific things, or is it overall, anything that he does get's my back up kind of anger?

 

When I was in the mindless rage, it seemed that no matter what he did, it would piss me off. What I finally realized was that I wasn't so much angry with him, as with myself. I was not taking time in my life to do things that I wanted (and needed) to do for myself, then when I'd see my H doing things that he needed to do for himself, I would blame him for my own rotten decisions. It was pitiful. Basically, I wanted him to save me from myself. But then when he would try to do that, I'd fight him.

 

It wasn't until I realized that I simply was making my own problems that things started to get better for both of us.

 

I hope you decide to clear things up between you and your husband. I just don't know if you will be able to really work things out between the two of you if you don't give him full honesty. Anyway, best of luck to you.