Fair questions

[basscatcher]

• If I am sick can you take care of me by cooking, comforting me, and understand that I am ill and need TLC with TLC]Will you take care of me in a loving way no matter the situation?
  
• If there is a family function would you attend it with me and tolerate everyone without making a scene or confrontation to keep the peace for the temporary time we are there? (Ex: holidays, weddings, birthdays, funerals, reunions, etc.)
  
• If I became pregnant by accident would you accept the fact I will not abort the child no matter what?
  
• Would you make an effort to be friends with my son?
  
• Would you make the time for you and I to spend vacation time together; escaping work, family and friends once in awhile?
  
• Would you be my partner and help me with everything in our private lives as needed?
  
• Would you be tolerant of more people coming into your life through me? (friends, family, associates—good, troubled and in-between)
  
• Could you see yourself living with me, committing yourself to me, and marrying me?
  
• Could you be open, honest and upfront with me about all matters?
  
• Could you trust me with finances and other responsibilities of our lives?
  
• Do you have enough faith in me to fully connect yourself with me?
  
• Can you admit to yourself how you feel about me?
  
• Can you admit to others that I am more then just a friend?
  
• Can you accept having someone:
  
• Care for you
  
• Cook for you
  
• Love you
  
• Pick up after you
  
• Listen to you
  
• Watch out for you
  
• Pamper you
  
• Always be there for you
  
• Can you accept my personal things in your home?
  
• Can you accept my friends or family coming to stay over once in awhile for conferences, conventions that are in town or for short visits?
  
• Can you handle a cleaner home and one that smells clean and fresh (girly as you say)?
  
• Are you willing to open up and accept a healthier family oriented life?\
  
• If I put on a few pounds will you accept it?
  
• I had a accident or illness that changed me in anyway could you still love me and accept me?
  
• Are you willing to learn to be giving and loving and give up your selfish individual ways?
  
• Are you willing to compromise and accept my needs and wants?
  
• Will you caress me, hold me, flirt with me, make love to me, and remind me very often how you feel about me?
  
• Are you able to have fun with me and make me laugh often?
  
• Will you always help me grow, learn and be more spiritual?
  
• Will you always attempt to be supportive, understanding, a good listener, and give me feedback?

[quankanne]

yes, pada, I could do all of that for you, except for the questions about sex and marriage. Otherwise, I think we'd be dandy friends!

 

all kidding aside, these are some excellent relationship questions ... good job, girl!

[Moose]

I can honestly say yes.....I will...or would if I weren't already taken!

 

I think Pada and I would make a great pair......

[climbergirl]

Great post..and great checklist Pada.

 

Unfortunately though, the criteria/questions can't be 'checked' until you've been with someone for quite some time.

[basscatcher]

Thank you for your replies everyone.

I needed validation that my questions where not in fairytale context and that they are obtainable and very important qualities in a lasting relationship with someone.

 

I posed these questions to TCK.. I haven't recieved any reply as of yet.

I'm sure he is overwhelmed because I put him on the spot and was very direct about WHAT I WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP.

 

He has been interested in me for 1.5 years. He knows me quite well.

 

If he wants to be with me then he needs to step up to the plate now or I will make a move forward away from him AGAIN..

 

I know Charlie CAN give me all this and more.. (he's been proving it)

I sense TCK is so selfish and set in his ways he couldn't attempt to do these things.

I'm giving him a reason to back off more... If he choses.

 

I'm looking for a big reason to let go. Not a bunch of little ones that I constantly forgive and look past. I need something big for me to hold onto for leverage of my own confirmation that he can't, won't and will not give me these essential elements I desire and need with a partner.

 

I did'nt and don't feel I am asking for too much.

For him it maybe too much.

 

I needed this affirmation from my friends at LS. Thanks much!

[Buttaflyy]

Pada,

I'm not too familiar with the whole story, but if CHARLIE can provide ALL of this....Why are you posing these questions to anyone else?? Girl, this is what every woman wants. If you've got it before you, you'd better grab ahold tightly!

[basscatcher]

Pada,

I'm not too familiar with the whole story, but if CHARLIE can provide ALL of this....Why are you posing these questions to anyone else?? Girl, this is what every woman wants. If you've got it before you, you'd better grab ahold tightly!

 

Well I'm finding it hard to forget, forgive and trust that what Charlie is proving to me to be lasting.

I also resurfaced (renewed) my attraction and feelings for TCK from the past and he is opening up to me, expressing himself more about how he feels about me and thinks of me.

I've been very confused.

 

TCK is chrismatic. He has a personality that makes you smile, laugh and intregues you. He is very enduring and adorable. He's very hard to get out from under your skin in a good way. Even though he has negative traits.

 

Charlie is laid back, easy going, very giving, accepting and attentive. It's hard to give that up also.

 

I've been torn, confused and indecieve between these two men. I've been working on resolving my issue. I am naturally curious, have questions, I'm also selfish and cautious. I don't make many deisions in haste. So I'm working to be honest with myself and weight things out, find out info, and see if I can come to some conclusions I can live with and everyone can accept including me.

 

I was given guidance to be selfish in this situation.

 

Everyone wonders if you can love two people at the same time?

Is there more then one mate for us in life?

I believe the answer is YES becaue I am living it and I fully believe in what I feel, think and know.

[Buttaflyy]

I agree, you should...actually you MUST be selfish in this situation. Especially, if Charlie messed up with you at a time. Take your time and evaluate everything. I don't know if they're both knowing of the situation. TCK especially seeming as he's the innocent party in this. But, I think that as long as you don't hurt anyone by being decietful it's your choice to make at your leisure. Those were great questions by the way! I commend you for evaluating everything and not rushing anything. You deserve the best of the two, I guess you can only find who is in time.

[alphamale]

I've been very confused.

your'e confused and PMSing in every post PADA...tell us something new

[basscatcher]

your'e confused and PMSing in every post PADA...tell us something new

 

PMS is only 1.5 weeks of the month..

 

You wanna a peice of it? Keep it up my dear..

[basscatcher]

Alpha a$$hvle he went...

Got a call from TCK Saturday morning around 1am. I answered the phone in a total sleepy daze. (I was out cold) The first thing he did was start tripping. I let him vent for about 15 minutes maybe a little more before I spoke up. (I was still waking up!! lol)

He kept repeated WTF over and over.

 

Then he started to accuse me of being nuts.

He said 'no real man's man will ever want whats on that list.'

 

Some of the things he stated were:

-only a chump would want that in a relationship

-I will never cook for you. Cook for yourself.

-no one will ever pick up my socks. I will pick them up.

-are you going nuts?

-your crazy

-your f* nuts

-are you flipping out or something?

-you must be PMSing.

-your greedy

-your selfish

-did you get this off the Internet somewhere?

-you sound like Edith Bunker

-it's like some Christmas wish list or shopping list for at the mall

-no relationship is like this you are dreaming

-your wishing for a fairytale again

-if i showed this list to other men they would laugh.

-no man wants this crap in their relationship or marriage

 

After he went on and on with crap like this I was ready to challenge him. I opened mouth and stood strong in my beliefs and in myself.

 

Some of the things I stated were:

-your relationship stupid

-go ahead and show it to some of your associates (with a laugh)

-I'm not crazy or delusional your talking crazy

-I am stable, I am solid, I am secure, I have no doubts about this

-I am stronger then I've ever been in my life.

-you've spent 40 years of your life rejecting love and relationships, you don't know a damn thing about relationships. (he claimed "your probably right there." then he shut his mouth for the most part of the conversation")

-there is nothing wrong with what I want in a partner in life.

-these are simple qualities people look for in a mate

-the bible states woman was put on this earth to help man.

-woman was put on this earth so man wouldn't have to be alone.

-you prey on the weak and vulnerable. When I'm emotionally falling apart or have a problem you are always here to help me, comfort me and support me. When I am stable, strong, clear headed and secure you are not here.

-you want a confident, secure, solid woman.. ? You can't handle a confident, solid, secure woman.. You've proven it to me..

-you are a chicken shyt, you are scared, you don't know a damn thing about relationships and you aren't going to change my mind on what I want.

-you regret losing this one day. just like I do from a previous relationship from 10 years ago.

-I'm not being a bitch I'm being confident, solid and know what I'm talking about.(he said I was bitching)

 

I informed him that people partner up to help one another with liefs struggles, to give comfort and company and to support one another.

He tried to claim that anyone who allows another person to do things (like on the list) for them is lazy, greedy and selfish.

 

For about the last 45 minutes of the phone call I was doing all the talking and I was stating truth, facts and whats happening. I called him out on a few things and left it. I hung up and went to bed feeling good.

My head and my feelings stayed calm even though my voice of strong, stern and direct. I have never felt so confident talking to him as I did that night.

 

He called me again the next night and I didn't answer. He left me a vm and said that he was still confused by the list and stated that it sounded like a Christmas wish list or a shopping list.

Then he said 'Maybe you are being real".

Then he hung up.

I did call him back an hour later to go another round with his head (I really need a 2 x 4 for it!! ) but he wasn't home so I left him a short msg saying I was returning his call and hung up.

 

I haven't heard anything since.

 

As long as he wants to debate this I will lock horns with him..

It's kinda fun actually.

I haven't had a challenge like this about a topic I feel really secure on in a long time.

 

I know what I want (this list) and I won't bend them or sacrifice them for someone else's naive, misconstrued beliefs.. Especially TCK.. It's not worth it to me.

It's a matter of time and TCK will be completely reduced down to just an associate in my life.

 

As for the other front--Charlie and I spent a lot of time together this weekend and it was absolutely wonderful.. He continues to show me sides of himself that are charming, fun, funny, and romantic.

I had him over for supper last night and he brought me flowers and helped me with laundry (9 loads). He and my son seem to be responding to one another more and they both seem to be comfortable.

 

Charlie is captivating me again. Only this time I can truly say so far I haven't felt anything wrong or out of whack. My eyes are wide open and caution is still blowing in the wind. He has a smile on my face all the time and I feel really good being with him.

[alphamale]

do you have some "issues" PADA?

[hotgurl]

Sigh PADA you know your alpha male would never give you these things. HE has already told you that. Point blank. accept it. You don't need any other reason to cut ties with him other than because it isn't working.

 

and about Charlie....I can't say anything about that that you've haven't heard already.

[alphamale]

and about Charlie....I can't say anything about that that you've haven't heard already.

don't even try HOTGURL....PADA is down a path of self-destruction due to extremely low self-esteem and many other issues. There is nowthing we can do.

[basscatcher]

do you have some "issues" PADA?

 

 

Of course!!

Don't you?

Doesn't everyone?

 

I'm still confident in these questions and I will have them in a relationship one day.

I won't tolerate being with a man who can't be caring, loving and kind. Who can't help me out to make life a little easer and work less hard in our personal lives.

 

If I'm sick I would like to have someone who can run to the drug store for me for meds if needed, cook me soup, bring me water etc etc as really needed so I can just rest and research my energy for my immune system so I can get better sooner.

 

Little things like this are nice to have a partner who is loving, kind and caring.

 

TCK doesn't want to do these kinds of things. He doesn't want anyone to do this things for him.

 

He doesn't want to come home after a long day at work and kicked up his legs and relax without having to cook for himself.

 

His ideas and beliefs about having a partner in life to make life a little bit easier sharing chores and duties out of love and kindness are so odd.

 

I do have issues. Like 'reactiveness', 'stubborness', 'procrastination', 'too much persistance on some things', 'too forgiving at times', 'get lazy once in awhile', 'insecurity gets a hold of me at times', bla bla bla bla..

Who of us doesn't have some of these things once in awhile.

 

I don't believe for a moment that I am asking for too much...

 

Yeee of little faith Alpha!!!

[hotgurl]

don't even try HOTGURL....PADA is down a path of self-destruction due to extremely low self-esteem and many other issues. There is nowthing we can do.

 

sadly I agree with you alpha.

 

Pada you should have hooked up with Slub he was looking for a girl just like you and could offer what you want.

[Art_Critic]

Of course!!

 

 

you also have the future issue of Charlie.

 

since you refused to move on from him and you have let him back then you will have to deal with his issues again.

 

Past behavior is a great indicator of future behavior. ( unless they have sought to fix themselves and alter themselves in some way )

Then you might have a 50/50 shot

[basscatcher]

sadly I agree with you alpha.

 

Pada you should have hooked up with Slub he was looking for a girl just like you and could offer what you want.

 

 

I absolutely adore Slubb.. We talk on the phone once in awhile and chat online.. He and I live too darn far apart and neither of us can move due to our families..

 

We want to meet but it's difficult.

 

I can't invest myself in someone who is so far away other then a friendship.

 

Slub means a lot to me. I really cherish him but he isn't a option in my life. He can't be. I dont' want to get hurt because of the distance.

[basscatcher]

you also have the future issue of Charlie.

 

since you refused to move on from him and you have let him back then you will have to deal with his issues again.

 

Past behavior is a great indicator of future behavior. ( unless they have sought to fix themselves and alter themselves in some way )

Then you might have a 50/50 shot

 

 

I agree A_C.

 

I do understand that past behaviors can indicate future behaviors.

I'm sure any negative behaviors will rear up within 3-6 months like before.

 

I listened to him and thought much about what he said to me.

Charlie told me that he wasn't being himself when we met.

That he was unfair to me because he had a wall up.

He admitted he needed time to deal with the permenant ending of his previous relationship and he said it wasn't fair of him to hold me when he wasn't able and ready to invest himself into me.

He claimed (s) that he is able to now.

 

I am giving him a chance to prove himself. I have reminded him that he is under the microscope. So I say 3-6 months if he is putting on a act he will fall off stage.

 

(Thanks A_C for coming out of the shadows to give your words. They always ment a lot to me.)

[alphamale]

Charlie told me that he wasn't being himself when we met.

so who was he then? Kofi Annan of the United Nations? Jeez...you're so gullible and naive PADA.

[hotgurl]

I absolutely adore Slubb.. We talk on the phone once in awhile and chat online.. He and I live too darn far apart and neither of us can move due to our families..

 

We want to meet but it's difficult.

 

I can't invest myself in someone who is so far away other then a friendship.

 

Slub means a lot to me. I really cherish him but he isn't a option in my life. He can't be. I dont' want to get hurt because of the distance.

 

It's too bad Pada you guys would be cute together. He has had some tough times too.

[basscatcher]

so who was he then? Kofi Annan of the United Nations? Jeez...you're so gullible and naive PADA.

 

Maybe, maybe not.

 

I have rebounded before from one serious serious relationship to another in my past. I wasn't being myself with the new guy and I didn't show him who I am. He missed out on the real me.

I was reserved, I wasn't very friendly, etc.

He didn't get the chance to really know me.. I had a wall up and he broke up with me because of it.

I cheated him out of really knowing the true me because I held myself back. I regretted it later. I cheated myself because I wasn't real.

I couldn't be at the time because I was still realing in from my previous relationship too much to be able to let myself out of my shell.

 

I havent told Charlie this. I reminded myself that we are human and we sometimes do immature and stupid things with ourselves.

For the dumbest reasons or because of the frear of being hurt again we put up a wall and act differently. We reserve ourselves so no one can know us. We sabatoge our own lives by the choices we make for our own self perservation.

 

I will give Charlie this chance to prove himself. It's been almost a month already and he's been great.

[basscatcher]

It's too bad Pada you guys would be cute together. He has had some tough times too.

 

I know.

He is disappointed that I'm giving Charlie the chance to prove himself.

Slub expresses his opinions like Alpha does.

 

They both have very strong negative views on Charlie and I..

[Art_Critic]

(Thanks A_C for coming out of the shadows to give your words. They always ment a lot to me.)

 

Thanks Pada..

 

Remember too that forgiveness places a huge role as well.. Not only do you have to forgive him but he also has to forgive you.

Without forgiveness, Honesty and a willingness to try then it will all be for naught

[basscatcher]

Thanks Pada..

 

Remember too that forgiveness places a huge role as well.. Not only do you have to forgive him but he also has to forgive you.

Without forgiveness, Honesty and a willingness to try then it will all be for naught

 

We have talked about that also and he said he understands why I back off from him. He said he was a jerk to me and unfair.

He understood why I went to TCK also, he only wishes I would have waited at least another month. 2 1/2 months in his mind wasn't long enough between.

 

As I explained previously

I understand that he had a wall up and he wasn't being fair to me (to us). He has been showing me the past month who he is.

He had me laughing so hard this weekend my stomach was hurting. (he's never had me laughing.)

He surprised me with flowers last night. (thats rare from him also)

He has a wonderful sense of humor I've never seen before.

He's paid more attention to my son.

He had his kids this weekend and he wanted all of us to be together so we did a movie and pizza.

I had his daughter Saturday and took her to a birthday party with me all day so he could take the boys out duck hunting.

 

He is so much more responsibe, happy, fun, at ease. His eyes are brighter and he smiles so much more. He even has more pep in him instead of just energy.

We have discussed boundries, activities, and behaviors and things are going well.

 

We both agreed we have to forgive. We both agreed we need to be ourselves and be honest with one another also. Communication is very important and he has been expressing and sharing his thoughts and feelings. (He commented it is weird to have a woman ask him what he thinks or what he feels about things.)

 

It's one day at a time for us. We are both cautious but open. He knows about TCK. He doesn't like that he is in my life, he knows what happened between us. He also is familiar with who he is because they have crossed paths in the same clubs/bars in the past. (before me)

 

It will work or it wont work. We both know this.

 

My illusion of TCK is breaking down. He is a good guy and very helpful and supportive in many ways. He is also destructive in many ways.

He is unstable and has very little knowledge about relationships. He has spent most of his life running away and avoiding them.

I can't deal with all that. Its too much trouble and heartache. Like beating my head against the wall to many times.

 

Time will tell. I have said this since the beginning.