Have Complicated Problem

[migs]

My wife left seven months ago--not without reason (no, not infidelity, I'm very loyal--but I did take her for granted). One day it was just "I don't want to be your wife or lover, I will be your "friend". Ok, now let me start by admitting something--I was strongly addicted to prescription painkilling drugs, and spent a lot of money on them. I quit twice, not just from the pressure from my wife, but I saw that it was necessary for my life. I started after a bad motorcycle accident again, then stopped after four months. Then I had a terrible kidney stone which kept bobbing up and down--when it blocked the ureter, the pain was so intense that it dropped me to the floor. I should have taken care of it but was already drained from expenses related to the motorcycle accident (a year later, there are two lawsuits pending against the insurance company and a massive fight between an enormous law firm and major insurance company). I attempted to stop the pain of the stone with nsaids (motrin, etc.) but it was too intense. I knew the danger of me being on the strong painkillers but took them anyway. I finally took care of both problems about 4 months ago, eliminated the stone and quit taking painkillers. My wife says that although I never "cheated" on her, my mistress was in a bottle. She literally did everything for me, and left because she was enabling me, and because she was so hurt that I gave her no affection or attention that she cried herself to sleep every night and asked my mom for help (my mom is deceased but they were very close and my wife strongly believes the dead can still hear us--she worked in hospitals and a hospice for many years, and I keep an open mind as I have seen things I can't explain). My daughter and ex wife claim that she wants to hold the marriage open simply for the money, but when we became a couple I had very little and she had no idea that I would be inheriting money so soon--so this is completely bogus. We have much in common, a great deal of compassion for others and have both gone out of our way to help if we could. There were some problems--she couldn't let go completely as I took her daughter as my own, and she adores me, and she's very attracted to me physically. Although I showed very little affection outright, I did so in other ways. She moved under her older daughter's urging (babysitter and housekeeper) and visited me every other month. My stepdaughter (I don't normally refer to her as that, just for clarification) stayed with me for the summer. I have a son who is 27 and autistic--he adores my wife, and he lives with me. I bought a fairly large home that she loved, but when she moved, she wanted me to sell the home, uproot my son who is extremely difficult to change, etc. and live with her. Her son in law is part owner of a dairy farm, she is on workmen's comp for her back, she was offered an office job on the dairy with permission to leave when her back became too painful, and after an argument with her older daughter that was her fault, she was offered a rent and utility free house on the dairy. Since we have separated, she has played many childish games. She was calling me three times a day, and started to act like it was more of an obligation, missing her lunch, etc., so I told her not to call so much then. She started taking me for granted and being very disrespectful. She still brings up the three times that she was mistaken for my mom even though we are the same age, it bothers her even though she knows my love does not rely on physical appearance. Any time a topic came up that she was uncomfortable with it was "off the table"--if I discussed it I was being "negative", and if she was here she would threaten to leave. My normal way of handling issues like this would be to tell her to leave if she wants, but I gave in, feeling guilty (after looking at this objectively I observed that I had little to feel guilty for, and dropped it, but not before I allowed her to play some childish games). When I complained of the lack of respect, she said "I just won't talk to you anymore" and hung up. When she visited and I wanted to spend time cuddling, she told me she could not get close to me without wanting to have sex, and that's what we did. She started calling once a day, then her daughter would call and say "my mom won't be calling tonight because she's walking the dog"--a new chihuahua, or a TV show was coming on that she wanted to see so she couldn't call, not even for a few minutes. She is living in a small farming community, and I am everything she desires--very attractive, intelligent, well-educated, great dad, big heart, my moral code precludes me from being unfaithful, something I have never broken--and I'm 52. She now claims that the games were due to her bitterness and anger, she has stopped playing them and agreed that we must avoid discussing them and what I did (the past) if we are to make it as a couple. I have broken this several times--but we both have valid points which makes it counterproductive to bring any of this up. After being told she would be late in calling on the weekend and not calling, I sat back an looked at the picture objectively. She has mentioned (after watching me rejecting a pick up attempt right in front of her) that "we always want what we can't have". She's very critical of her older daughter because her son in law works hard and she does nothing other than sit in front of the computer all day and spends money--the kids are not taken care of, the house is filthy, she never cooks, and this guy works long and hard days. Then I saw the hypocrisy--she want's to stay married to me, claims she's always been in love with me, but what is she doing for me? When I brought this up, she stated that when she lived with me she literally did everything for me, and we both agreed to a year separation. She wants me to jump thru hoops by selling the house, uprooting my son, and moving over there to live in the house on the dairy--at least until we found another home. My job is here (though she found one for me where she is), I bought this home for us--here. She stated that she'll never move back here. After we argued on the phone, she suggested that I move over there and we can "date". She has literally used me as "arm candy" to impress people when she lived here, something I went along with but resented. Now she has a single minded goal of wanting me to move into the dairy house after I've sold this one, and uprooting my son with is very difficult for someone with autism. On the other hand, my son might be very happy in a small town with a beautiful and peaceful atmosphere. After looking at the big picture objectively, I started NC without any explanation or warning. At first she called and complained that she couldn't reach me, then she had my stepdaughter call (my achilles heel) and act angry because her mom couldn't reach me, then she called and said she was worried about me and had no way to check on me to see if I was alright. I truly don't want her to worry, but I do want her to get the message: if I am not given more priority than her new dog, TV shows, etc. I'm walking. What she "threatened" in the "I'm just not going to talk to you anymore" phone call, click, I'm now doing without warning or explanation. I want her to understand that I deserve more than playing second fiddle to whatever, and I won't tolerate it anymore--my first step is walking away, the second will be divorce papers. It's been seven months, and I don't recall signing up for the priesthood to become celibate. She wants me to drive down and stay with her for a week, something that is somewhat difficult because of my son, but not impossible. I want her to see that living in a house on a dairy that is running in the red, even if it's rent and utility free is not preferable to living in a house that's paid for and is yours. I allowed her to get away with the childish games (things we played in high school!!), but will not anymore, that I have enough of a spine to walk away like I did in my last marriage (I filed) when I knew it wouldn't work. Why didn't I "explain myself"? She would have turned everything I stated around and played a childish manipulative game with it. I want her to wake up, see what she has, and convince herself of what she wants one way or the other with a little practicality and logic, and I'm stepping back so she can do that.

 

Well, after three days of NC and many calls from her, she was going to call the police to check on me and then drive down here, so I called. I discussed divorce four times--the first time she had a fit and said that I just wanted to play around, a manipulative game. The next two times I suggested she should find someone close to where she lives as she won't come back, and she told me she only wants me, she doesn't want anyone else. I told her she wouldn't hurt me, and she could blame the divorce on me, but she didn't want it--tho she said if I brought it up then I must want it. The third time she said she wanted it, that we would both be happy alone, etc., and was tired discussing it. She then told me she knew that it would hurt me, to stop playing games and she would too. She told me she cried herself to sleep almost every night for a year because I wouldn't sleep with her, and only stopped after she left. She also told me she still talks to my mom, and when I asked what she said, it was for help with me. She is starting to talk to me far longer since I did the three days of NC, almost three hours at a time--she wants me to move in with her and has started to prepare the house on the dairy for me an my son to move in. She also says that she has a job waiting for me, that we can make it just fine with both of us working over there, and the money from the house would be useful but not mandatory. My daughter has stated that she wanted me for the money, but my wife has pointed out that when she met me on the internet and moved in with me I had very little money and no prospect of increased wealth. When my parents died unexpectedly, I inherited a lot of it. She is right on this. She is acting full of power and claims that if we divorced she is emotionally strong and would not feel it that much. But she also says that she refuses to view the marriage as "if it doesn't work out" as this is what makes it so easy for people to just walk out of it. She wants to keep a positive attitude, but then said even if it didn't work that I'd be better off there than here. I said I though she didn't want to view the marriage like that, and she stated that she did not say "if it doesn't work", but wanted to show me how much better a place it is that she's living. I admitted that what she pointed out about the difference between loving someone and being "in love" there was no difference--I had to concede I was wrong. I asked her if she was in love with me, and she said she's always been in love with me since we first got together. Her actions toward me when we were together were so loving (she did TOO much for me, she made me collages when I lost a pet, she was the kindest, most compassionate, best woman I have ever been with. She stated that the games she played after we split were due to her bitterness and resentment, and she was intensely angry with me. While she says she is still bitter, she's doing everything she can to help me move in with her. I have never been physically attracted to her, though she is intensely and obviously strongly physically attracted to me. But I don't sense the same "spark" there once was, and she claims it's because relationships change and if that spark was there once it can be there again. Both of us have become angry over the years and attempted to picture ourselves separate--but neither of us can do it. There is an attraction that goes way beyond physical or romance that we both recognize but don't understand what or why it is. We literally "read" each other's minds so often that it's just something that's become normal. I can read something on a cup that I bought years ago, and the next time we talk she will mention the cup and what it says, almost as if she can see and think what I do. I was a very close-minded skeptic about these things when I first met her, but I have seen waaay too much since then. I am an open minded skeptic now. We have some powerful connection that neither of us understands but has become so obvious that we simply don't try anymore. I could go out in one night and have my pick of far more physically attractive women, but despite my moral block in this area, I would not trade her for any other woman on this planet. My stepdaughter is so much like me, it's like she inherited nearly every part of my personality and intellect--and this observation does not come from me, but from everyone who knows us. I can't do NC without her doing anything she can to check on me. Despite her claim of emotional strength (some of which is true, as the men in her life have hurt her terribly), I know she's not as strong as she is acting, it is false bravado, an act. I recall her saying she didn't want to give me "false hope", then leading me off to bed shortly afterward. I don't know what to do--for her acting so indifferent, she is doing everything she can to get me to visit and move. I am willing to move in with her, BUT I must gain my power back, I can not allow her to control me under any guise. How to do this W/O using NC is beyond me. She seems upset and bewildered that after she left I was able to lose a lot of fat and build a very buffed body in a short time--something that is easy for me and part of what I have done in the past after breakups. At first she said I was "too skinny" and "buffed". When my stepdaughter pointed out that this was an illogical observation, she said no more, but later asked me "how I did that". It seemed as though she was upset by it and competitive. She can't do this because of the reduction in nerve impulses due to back surgery. Her body is deteriorating due to muscle atrophy, and though what I did actually increased her physical desire I feel that her anger is due to some form of envy/competition/wanting me to fall apart without her? Yes, her body is aging and she looks ten years older than her chronological age. I know her ego is affected by this, but the truth is I will not even consider another woman as long as I am with her, not even look--and she KNOWS this. I have much of what she needs, a father to her daughter and the willingness to care for her when she no longer can. She's so concerned about her physical appearance, yet she has a man who is willing to be a great husband and father to her daughter. I don't want to play competitive games, neither of us wants anyone else--and we are both growing older. I could find a woman closer to home, but my heart won't let me. We have both tried to end it and we can't. I can't get her to come back, so I will go to where she is--but I don't want her to take this as a shift in the balance of power. She needs some kind of challenge, to know how it will feel to be completely without me, but I don't know how to pull it off. If it sounds complicated and I seem confused, well I am. Relationships all have a "power" balance, and she seems dead set for a complete power grab. I'll go 50/50, but that's it--but HOW do I get there? Any ideas or help/advice is appreciated. If I move over there, it will basically be under "her" roof, but she's having financial problems and I have the ability to contribute with my labor and also the "nest egg" that she cannot acquire. As much as I hate to reduce this to such basic components, it is reality.

[amaysngrace]

Whoa...that was long! No biggie, as I don't have much on my agenda today.

 

I would suggest you not move into where she wants. Not yet anyway. It's real sweet of her to plan for you in her life, but you have your son and his well-being to consider first and foremost. Let her get the place set up and go for a day-trip, not a week. Bring your son and see how he likes it there.

 

She sounds as if she is draining you. She is trying to have complete control of the relationship, and is blaming you for everything that is wrong with it. This cannot be. She has a responsibility to herself first to find her own happiness, as do you, but you both sound as if you are codependent on one another. It is most unhealthy. And what's up with her using your stepdaughter as a go-between? That is just wrong of her.

 

From what you have described, it sounds as if you're in a toxic relationship. Change needs to be made on both your ends if this is ever going to work. You seem to cling on the 'connection' thing, but don't let it cloud your judgment on what's best for you. The most important connection you can have is with yourself, and this woman sounds as if she is coming back around just in time to make sure you don't move on with your life. And become reconnected with yourself and what you truly want for your life. By doing this, she is robbing you of your well-being and how could that possibly be called love?

 

If you say you have the resources, have you considered going away somewhere? Maybe take your son or find someone to care for him, and just get away for a week or so? Where you cannot be reached by her? Of course let her know before you leave, but don't give her any idea of where you'll be staying? This way you could actually take a breath away from her in order to gather your thoughts. Call her, but other than that, keep your cell phone off.

 

I truly think you need time away from her in order to break the dependency that seems pretty apparent from your post. I think you owe it to yourself.

[migs]

Excellent advice. She wants me to sell and move over there not while the market is on fire here. So here's a simple question--I live in a community property state, and since I bought this home with inherited funds, I had her sign a probery state. We discussed this several months ago, and I told her that she made a very disgusted face while she was signing a separate property agreement. I have since come to trust her a great deal, as she has been extremely honest during our entire relationship, bringing receipts back when she borrowed my ATM card, etc. She has also given me back a very expensive engagement ring that I asked her for. My daughter has been caught actually stealing jewelry from my home and from my mom's whle she was ill and in the hospital. I have observed my wife returning even a dollar to store clerks that she was overpaid. I had learned to be very untrusting due to previous baggage, and my daughter and ex-wife have played into this, though they have both had jaw-dropping experiences when my wife has proved their accusations wrong. In short, I have never know her to be even a small bit dishonest, something sadly I cannot say for my ex-wife and older daughter. So we have agreed that the next house we buy, which is to be built from the ground up will go in both our names, as my suspicions concerning her honesty were based on old baggage and other people with clear agendas. In addition to this, when I asked about her reaction at the signing of the separate property agreement, she asked me how I would feel if she had just come into money and purchased a house, declariing it "hers". She has also stated that she would never do anything to harm my son who she dearly loves. Another reason I truly do love this woman, out of many. And she is right, I would feel very bad if she came into money and bought "her" home which she kept separate from me. She has proven herself honest with integrity, and trust is needed to make any relationsip work.

[amaysngrace]

I think if you do have a house built together, you should have something drawn up by a lawyer prior. Simply stating your inheritance is the money being used to finance it. This is what I would do. Even in the healthiest of marriages. Especially if you have a dependent grown son.

 

Not saying you expect the marriage to go south, but merely because you have a biological son, and rightfully, the inheritance is his as well.

 

You should be clear that this isn't an act against her, but more of an act to protect him. She should understand that. Of course any additional monies should be split in the event that a divorce were to occur, but the initial funding should remain in your family.

[migs]

It is interesting to me that she has promised to care for my son (autistic) if something happens to me--and I sincerely believe she will honor that as I have never seen her break a promise and she is extremely close to him. I also know that she feels she is in a battle with my daughter, who would institutionalize him without a second thought. But she told me at one time that she can't own property here, not being a citizen (from the UK) which is bull, and then another time insisting that she be placed on the deed of whatever new property I'm buying for our new home. If she would simply tell me that she is concerned about my son, and about my daughter's intent with him, and that as my wife I should be more trusting--she instead asked me how I would feel if she came into money, bought a property and said "this is mine only". I must admit it's not very conducive to the trusting, romantic part of marriage, and I would be somewhat miffed. I know that as far as my son is concerned she has a powerful conscience and could not do anything to intentionally harm him. But geeze, be honest with me and don't assume I'm stupid or don't listen!