teenagers

[hotgurl]

I need help. I am literally exhausted. My daughter is starting to go through mood swings and it is so emtionally tiring.

 

She goes from sweet to angry to super snotty in a blink of an eye and back again. I feel like I am losing my sweet girl and it makes me so sad.

 

Plus we just moved to a new state and I have guilt about that.

 

I am tired and sad and don't know what to do.

[hotgurl]

no one on the shack has teenagers?

[Moose]

But both of mine are boys. Totally different. They get cocky and I usually have to put them back in place....

 

Just remember, you are the parent, and they are to repspect you at ALL times.

 

If she's snotty, bitchy, towards you, a reminder is due......

[hotgurl]

But both of mine are boys. Totally different. They get cocky and I usually have to put them back in place....

 

Just remember, you are the parent, and they are to repspect you at ALL times.

 

If she's snotty, bitchy, towards you, a reminder is due......

 

We do remind her and she usually corrects the behavior. But she gets upset easily now. At very little things. And it is hard to be pushed away all of sudden.

[superconductor]

What sort of things are causing the problem? Are they worth getting upset about (like, say, shoplifting or joyriding or other dangerous/stupid acts) or are they relatively minor like staying up too late or talking on the phone too much?

[2sunny]

The mood swings will last a few years while she is TOTALLY hormonal... she can't help it.

 

Try to be patient with her - I know it's not easy... You have to change your approach a bit as she gets older... TRY to talk to her about things (she may not let you)...

 

It's a very difficult time trying to figure out how to keep a teen happy... just be patient and remind her gently of appropriate respectful boundaries...

[ddw5195]

HOW OLD IS SHE?

 

is she old enough to start? or has she cause this could have a major effect on how she behaves. mine niece was like night and day and she lived with me for 5 years and I noticed the behavior getting worse right before she started and then after. cause thier body is so out of wack with all the harmones going throught it. just hang in there it will pass. although I would not let be the boss and I wi=ould let her know what is tolerated and what is not. just rember also she is going through alot of emotions that she had to leave her friends and move to a different state. you do what you have to do and she will come around. hang in thier.

[superconductor]

Hotgurl, you probably went through similar things when you were maturing. Do you recall what made a difference and what did not?

[hotgurl]

What sort of things are causing the problem? Are they worth getting upset about (like, say, shoplifting or joyriding or other dangerous/stupid acts) or are they relatively minor like staying up too late or talking on the phone too much?

 

I'm not upset at her. I am just sad. She gets upset easily. Like we were joking around because she told me I was old and mmy music lame. And I made a joke and she got so upset like I had just insulted her.

[hotgurl]

The mood swings will last a few years while she is TOTALLY hormonal... she can't help it.

 

Try to be patient with her - I know it's not easy... You have to change your approach a bit as she gets older... TRY to talk to her about things (she may not let you)...

 

That's just it . She won't talk to me. Sheis getting into this goth thing. She is not really a teen. I should have said preteen. She is 11. It's like one day she woke up and decided she was going to be grown up.

[Buttaflyy]

Hotgurl, I have an 11 year old too and I know exactly what you're talking about! IMO, it's important to stay firm. My daughter too has these mood swings and is sometimes, borderline disrespectful. I have to remind her who's the adult constantly. Don't lose your handle!

[hotgurl]

Hotgurl, you probably went through similar things when you were maturing. Do you recall what made a difference and what did not?

 

That's the problem I was a real problem teen my mom didn't react well. I got into boys' & drugs and got pregnant at 16.

[calalily]

As a former goth who has now moved into coloured clothes (I bought pink 1 year ago at 31), this is nothing to worry about. Sometimes people say that goth indicates depression, but I challenge them to find a teen or a preteen who doesn't get depressed.

 

The important thing to say to her now is that (when she's calm) that you love her, and understand that as she gets older, she will not like you sometimes, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you, and that you will love her no matter what.

 

Kids go through a stage called "identity diffusion" where they need to repudiate their parents and find their own identity - she will become a good person by the time she's about 19 or 20, all due to this stage of rejecting you and your values, and trying to decide her own.

[hotgurl]

As a former goth who has now moved into coloured clothes (I bought pink 1 year ago at 31), this is nothing to worry about. Sometimes people say that goth indicates depression, but I challenge them to find a teen or a preteen who doesn't get depressed.

 

The important thing to say to her now is that (when she's calm) that you love her, and understand that as she gets older, she will not like you sometimes, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you, and that you will love her no matter what.

 

Kids go through a stage called "identity diffusion" where they need to repudiate their parents and find their own identity - she will become a good person by the time she's about 19 or 20, all due to this stage of rejecting you and your values, and trying to decide her own.

 

 

well she seems to think goth has to do with being unhappy and being happy is uncool. Which is so counter to her natural personality. We just moved and she has mentioned she is sad. But we talka bout it and make an extra effort to get together with her friends she moved away from. And she has adjusted to school well and made new friends.

 

And we do talk about apporpriate behavior when she is calm. Basically that it's ok to have all these feelings and they can be scary and confusing. And while it's ok to be mad It's not ok to lash out at people and treat then disrpectfully.

 

 

I always tell her I love her and take an intrest in things she is interested in.

 

But it is this weird judxdapostion her being all dark and moody one minute then her cuddleing up with me and her blankie.

[Pink Amulet]

Just remember- give it until 19 and she will be back again

 

There is a gap of rebellion, fighting, lack of affection, and it has nothing to do with anything you do. It is hormonal and she is just confused about this new "coming in to adult-hood" thing.

 

Just give it 6 years

[calalily]

well she seems to think goth has to do with being unhappy and being happy is uncool. Which is so counter to her natural personality. We just moved and she has mentioned she is sad.

 

Being sad is okay, but this identity of "sadness" is part of searching for her identity - it's normal. Pink Amulet is right - they come back again and then they move out lol.

[LaughMachine]

I am 18 and I just recently posted about anger problems. Something in me has changed I CAN BE A ANGRY BEAST NOW AND DAYS AND ITS SCARY. She did just move to a new state, that can be terribly hard considering she will have to adapt to a new school and new people. She is a teen she is not going to listen to you fully about anything. At 14 15/16 I was clueless to everything and the advice my mom could have given me would have been beneficial. But I didn't want to listen to my family just friends and my bf I had at the time. If she dresses goth, that doesn't mean anything..alot of kids go through that phase because they think its cool and some people just like black. I have changed ALOT. I am more concious and aware and 18 , so when I look back at being those ages ( which isn't really that much time ) I see a difference. How old is she to be exact?

[quankanne]

hoo boy ... teen girls. My coworker has one, and she said the child went from sweet and loving to drama queen almost overnight. And that ANYthing could trigger tears. Scared the hell out of her daddy, who has no prior experience with girls that age (he's an only child, his wife's sister doesn't have kids, this is his first exposure to the wonderful world of teenage girls).

 

just be firm and set boundaries. If she cries, she cries; if it gets worse than that, remind her that in 25 years, she'll be the one with teenage kids and you – as grandma – are going to enjoy every minute of it. :laugh:

[hotgurl]

hoo boy ... teen girls. My coworker has one, and she said the child went from sweet and loving to drama queen almost overnight. And that ANYthing could trigger tears. Scared the hell out of her daddy, who has no prior experience with girls that age (he's an only child, his wife's sister doesn't have kids, this is his first exposure to the wonderful world of teenage girls).

 

just be firm and set boundaries. If she cries, she cries; if it gets worse than that, remind her that in 25 years, she'll be the one with teenage kids and you – as grandma – are going to enjoy every minute of it. :laugh:

 

Ha that's why i'm not asking my mom for advice. She was good this weekend. She just wanted to chill out. But boy oh boy thoose triggers are so random. It's like walking through a land mine field

[lovestruck234]

Well....I'll be 18 in hmm.....4 days!!! (I am so effing excited!)...

 

So that is my point. When you are 14/15/16 you are struggling between being accepted and treated like an adult and also being treated as a minor.

 

Teen years are pretty damn hard....if I had the choice I would NOT re-live them again. My teen years sucked BIG TIME!

 

There are alot of things to consider here...alot of things that contribute to their behaviour. Her fellow peers; which includes peer pressure. I know when I was in school the peer pressure was horrible. Being at parties you were a loser if you weren't drinking, smoking or whatever drugs were being offered at that party, you were considered a slut if you got cosy with a boy or two, yet considered a fridget if you didn't get cosy with any, you were stupid if you didn't pass a test, yet a goody-two-shoes if you got a high mark.

 

The pressure has worsened over the years I believe. Nowadays has become ALOT harder to fit in and belong.

 

These issues contributed alot to my moods at home. Bitchy girls, bonehead boys, ********* teachers....it sucked.

 

It was then that I decided that I would be better off if I just did what I wanted to do and not give into this pressure, not listen to what anyone has to say. So that's when I rebelled. Mum would ask me to do something and I would tell her no. I would fight with my sisters CONSTANTLY and I didn't give a sh*t what anyone else thought. I went out to parties, got blind drunk, was with alot of boys, failed alot of tests, became disruptive, rude, moody and downright inconsiderate.

 

Once I left school and get out into the big wide world things started to click a bit. It was scary to think I am now so independent, and I didn't have that sub-concious feeling that my parents were there to fall back on....it was terrifying.

 

Now I have adapted to my environment, I get along with my parents great, help out all the time, am JUSt starting to SORT OF get along with my sister....even though she really gets up my nose, I have not kept in contact with my school "friends" and I am happier because of it.

 

She is discovering things that are very new to her, hotgurl. It is scary, very scary.

 

From my experience, the only way my mum got through to me was trying to be on my level. She approached my problems not as a mother, but as a friend. She tried to understand, even though I know it was hard, but I found I was able to tak to her easier when she didn't stand over me and stick her nose into my business. Sometimes I liked being left alone. hence my thread not long ago "Nosey people"....

 

Know when to be there for her, but know when to back off as well....once you've got that balance, it's pretty cool from there!

 

Hope this helped....

[LaughMachine]

I would call my growing up years ( through teen age years) 14,15 and 16...I never did anything I didn't want to do yet I have done everything lol. I never gave in to peer pressure. And at 18 I don't even think about being cool and parties and peer pressure I meen I just passed all that and your turning 18 and the pressure is still high lovestruck ? hmmm well good luck on turning 18 its no biggie! They are hard years because those years are revolved around people and bestfriends feel like BFF. When we all know later on BFF turns out to just be another failed relationship. Some people can manage to stay bestfriends though!

[Princess112]

hoo boy ... teen girls. My coworker has one, and she said the child went from sweet and loving to drama queen almost overnight. And that ANYthing could trigger tears. Scared the hell out of her daddy, who has no prior experience with girls that age (he's an only child, his wife's sister doesn't have kids, this is his first exposure to the wonderful world of teenage girls).

 

Lol, that post made me laugh. I'm rooting for your coworker .

 

But teenage years is a tough time... At 11, she's just beginning to experience all the changes, especially entering a new school. Making new friends and fitting in... being unhappy really does seem to be cool, simply because it's such a common ground for everyone. I'm 19, and I personally never went with the flow of my peers. I've been pretty solitary, but through choice. I used to be "popular" in my middle school years and everyone around knew me, or had at least heard of me. I began getting constant love notes in my lockers, but I didn't start contemplating a boyfriend until I turned 13. I've never fallen into drugs or alcohol, I don't go clubbing, or anything of the sort. I'm very simple, rarely ever wear jewelry (i'm currently only wearing a necklace because my mother gave it to me and I feel bad just throwing it on my desk). I have no tatoos, and my ear piercings that I got when I was a baby are practically closing.

But I've pretty much raised myself.

 

My mother has always been working hard, having two jobs or going to school AND work. And my father has always been.. rather lazy. He's usually sleeping or not home.

 

Years of turmoil are going to come, especially when they begin developing crushes, then having boyfriends and whatnot.

 

You have to be open-minded... and really be willing to listen. Sometimes a child will come to you and try to express their feelings and the parents concentrate on one thing they said and get upset and just make the matters worse. There's always something else going on other than what your child is letting on. Notice when there's something wrong... I know I get a bit depressed because I'm going through some difficult things with my boyfriend and my parents haven't even noticed I'm not doing well..

 

Don't scream so much, and if your child becomes sloppy around the house, don't make SUCH a big deal over it. Does it really kill you to see the clothes on the floor? If you don't like the ambient then try to steer clear, but make sure she's responsible for her own things, such as washing her own laundry (it works, way better than screaming everyday to pick up after themselves). And don't give in either and wash some articles of clothing for them. Heh, they might even rebel and just wear the same dirty clothes over and over... but unless it iritates their skin and creates an infection of some sort, let them be. It'll pass.

 

Maybe choosing a day for family day would be nice. Best if it's Sundays. Maybe not the whole day, but gather those you can up and go out to eat brunch, then maybe shop or go to the movies, or just go back home and watch TV together.

 

There might be days when they'll "hate" you, but that's just a word they use to release some of their anger/depression/mixture of every feeling they have. Don't take it personally, and just hug them, kiss them, and go about on your things. They'll come apologizing eventually, even if it's 9 years later.

 

Best of luck!

[hotgurl]

Lol, that post made me laugh. I'm rooting for your coworker .

 

But teenage years is a tough time... At 11, she's just beginning to experience all the changes, especially entering a new school. Making new friends and fitting in... being unhappy really does seem to be cool, simply because it's such a common ground for everyone. I'm 19, and I personally never went with the flow of my peers. I've been pretty solitary, but through choice. I used to be "popular" in my middle school years and everyone around knew me, or had at least heard of me. I began getting constant love notes in my lockers, but I didn't start contemplating a boyfriend until I turned 13. I've never fallen into drugs or alcohol, I don't go clubbing, or anything of the sort. I'm very simple, rarely ever wear jewelry (i'm currently only wearing a necklace because my mother gave it to me and I feel bad just throwing it on my desk). I have no tatoos, and my ear piercings that I got when I was a baby are practically closing.

But I've pretty much raised myself.

 

My mother has always been working hard, having two jobs or going to school AND work. And my father has always been.. rather lazy. He's usually sleeping or not home.

 

Years of turmoil are going to come, especially when they begin developing crushes, then having boyfriends and whatnot.

 

You have to be open-minded... and really be willing to listen. Sometimes a child will come to you and try to express their feelings and the parents concentrate on one thing they said and get upset and just make the matters worse. There's always something else going on other than what your child is letting on. Notice when there's something wrong... I know I get a bit depressed because I'm going through some difficult things with my boyfriend and my parents haven't even noticed I'm not doing well..

 

Don't scream so much, and if your child becomes sloppy around the house, don't make SUCH a big deal over it. Does it really kill you to see the clothes on the floor? If you don't like the ambient then try to steer clear, but make sure she's responsible for her own things, such as washing her own laundry (it works, way better than screaming everyday to pick up after themselves). And don't give in either and wash some articles of clothing for them. Heh, they might even rebel and just wear the same dirty clothes over and over... but unless it iritates their skin and creates an infection of some sort, let them be. It'll pass.

 

Maybe choosing a day for family day would be nice. Best if it's Sundays. Maybe not the whole day, but gather those you can up and go out to eat brunch, then maybe shop or go to the movies, or just go back home and watch TV together.

 

There might be days when they'll "hate" you, but that's just a word they use to release some of their anger/depression/mixture of every feeling they have. Don't take it personally, and just hug them, kiss them, and go about on your things. They'll come apologizing eventually, even if it's 9 years later.

 

Best of luck!

 

Well I don't scream. sometimes to be heard over her ipod. But I usually tap her on the shoulder. When only have 4 tv channels.. and we spend a lot of time together. We eat dinner at the table as a family, i go to her soccer games. Friday we have take out & movie night. Occasionally we have family game night. And if she needs to be alone we let her be alone. We have friends over and bake together and help her with her homework.

 

She does have chores and an allowence to give her some freedom money wise and to learn responisbility.

 

This weekend was nice we chilled out and she talked a little about what was bothering her. Mostly because we live in the country she is not as indepedent as she wants to be. And he school playground sucks. But yesterday I stepped in it an and accidently insulted her in a classic lame mom way. duh!

[RecordProducer]

Boys are easier as teenagers than girls. If they don't get into dangerous situations, they are fine. Girls however start their reproductive period of life and everything changes in their system.

 

Remember how YOU were when you were a teenager, Hotgurl. I needed my mom to be my friend and my mom at the same time. Authority and closeness. Whenever you feel helpless just hug her and kiss her and tell her that you wish you could help her if she would open up and tell you what's bothering her. My mom's hand was always able to wipe away all my worries just by caressing my head. I so miss her now that she is far away...

[izzybelle]

i have a 13 yr old daughter and can completely relate to a lot of what has been said. it's a challenge at times and so, so wonderful at other times. and sometimes i struggle to not treat her like my little girl any more and the mood swings SUCK. but i've found the "best" mother daughter time for us is shopping. fortunately she and i have the same taste in clothes!!! unfortunately, it means that my shoes disappear from time to time and i have to search through the piles in her room to find the pair i'm looking for.

 

i have found it best to not sweat some of the small stuff with her. her dad rides her pretty hard at his house about keeping things spotless, i'm not so concerned. but she knows that if she's going to have friends over that she needs to clean up her room! so far i'm lucky, she's the kind of kid that gets invited over by her friend's moms. and i get a lot of wonderful comments from people about what a sweet kid she is. too bad she's not always that way at home! lol

 

one of the challenges that i find myself facing is whether or not to snoop. our communication is very open at this point, or at least i think it is. she even text messaged me right after she got her first kiss. but i'll admit that i have looked thru some of her messages on her phone. and i felt awful about it! i want to trust her to share with me what's going on in her life, but i know i didn't come anywhere close to sharing everything with my mom. i think keeping the communication lines open is going to get so much harder before it gets any easier. teen yrs are tough and being the mom of a teen girl is a challenge.

 

good luck to all of us!!!

izzy