I love you but I have to leave you...

[Olena]

Dear all,

 

I am hoping that you can help. I have been going out with my partner for 6 years. I met him at a very bad time in his life as his ex (first women he fell in love with) dumped him. He had just taken 2 years off university and was trying to get on his feet again. I stayed with him whilst he was finishing his first degree, and then his second degree, and whilst he was looking for a job. I have supported him and given him advise on what to do in order to move forward, and 6 years down the line he ended up having 2 university degrees and a highly paid job.

 

During our relationship he has been very loving and caring towards me. However, from a sexual point of view (from his part) the relationship has been very poor. He has not given me any reason to think that he has every gone after other women and he has always explained to me that sex is something that he does not want at this stage of his life.

 

At the moment, he has asked me for a break. He says that he loves me dearly and that he does not want to lose me for ever. That he needs time to 'find him self' as eventhoug he has made considerable progress in his life he does not know where he stands. He is in London with no friends and at the same time he can not go back to Greece where his friends and family are as he would have to give up his highly paid job here. He says that he is confused as to what he wants in his life and that he needs space to think. He says that in regards to me he would like to think as to why the relationship has not improved from a sexual point of view all these years. He explained to me that he would like to meet me again under better circumstances so that he is able to give me what I deserve and what I needs. And that at the moment he is incapable of doing so as he is not 100% him self and does not have a clue about anything. I asked him how I fit in his life and he explained that at the moment he would like me to accept his decision to stay alone. He said that it's not easy for him to let me know as he is scared of losing me for ever but that this was the only solution that he could think in order to make me happy one way or another in the long run. He explained that he would like to be able to come back to me once he feels that he wants to settle down. Personally, I never said to him that I wanted to settle down or get married but he says that to him it would make sense if everything ealse was okay. He specifically said to me that he would like to have me as his wife, but only when the circumstances are right and if we still feel that we want to be together...

 

I am very confused with everything that he says. It's a case of I don't want to lose you but I have to leave you, I want to be alone but one day ( if I still love you and you still love me) I would like to marry you.

He says that he loves me very deeply, and that he I am the exeption to the rule as no other woman would have stayed with him for so long under the circumstances.

 

I am scared that with time he will forget about me. And it feels as if he simply wanted to have me in his life whilst he was thinking with his brain on how to stand on his feet. Now that he thinks with his heart and needs to find out what makes him happy there is no place for me, and it's questionable as to whether there will be a place for me in the future...

He says that he could never forget me as I have been the most important chapter in his life, but that he has to let go off me as at the moment he can not make me happy as he is not happy with him self. He said that he feels as if he is dragging him along in his depression and that it's not fair.

 

Could any of you give me some input on the situation?

I feel as if I have to walk away from my own life as I grew up next to this guy. We have been together since I was 20 and he has now turned 30 and that's when he started questionning his whole life....

 

Olena

[Josalina]

i am going through the same problem my ex of 2 and a half years and i i had to split just under 2 weeks ago because one morning he woke up confused and lost.

neither of us really wanted to end it but i had no choice as he said he didnt think couldn't change for the moment, its sad but i worry also he will forget me and what we had, from spending everyday together to nothing is hard. my ex is going through a quarter life crisis only he doen't know it yet, i found out a few days ago, if u type it in goole u may find the same sypmtoms.

i love him so much but he wants time to know himself for awhile, he may even move abroad.

i was told he will let me know when he knows himself and what the future holds. very confusing, what these men don't realise is they say they are lost, confused, need time alone etc, but they confuse us in the process.

how long has it been since u last spoke to him?

i feel so sorry for you, if u were like me u didn't even see it coming to this.

just remember everything is done for a reason and keep busy.

there is nothing i can say to help the pain but if you need to talk, you have come to the right place.

[Josalina]

goole? ha ha that was meant to say google, the search engine lol if u type in quarter life crisis u may find something, or nothing but its worth a try, what else seems to be different about him for him to have come out with all this out of the blue?

[silentcharon]

Aw that sucks. My ex of 7 years did the same thing, I didn't see it coming. I knew there were some things we had to work on, but I thought we were working on it, and he just said enough. He wanted to be alone, because it's always been us, we've never truly been on our own. He didn't say he wanted to see what was out there, probably because he didn't want to hurt me. Anyway, just give him his space and if he means it, he'll come back. But for now, do your own thing, focus on yourself. Don't wait for him. I'm not counting on my ex coming back- it's been a painful process for me, but I've learned quite a bit about life and myself.

 

Let him go.... if it's meant to be, he'll come back.

[Olena]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Don't you all however think that the I love you but I have to leave you for now is a very poor excuse...

I mean, does it not make us feel as if 'we are the problem' and that we are being dumped so that they become happy?

 

I love my partner dearly, and as much as I would love to be able to be understanding and supportive I find it very hard.

He is also finding it too hard to give a start date to his break. We have been talking/arguing about this for a while and eventhough he wants to have it he is scared of going ahead as he does not want to lose me - he says...

 

You are right in saying that I should fucus on me. But I must say that I will always hope that he comes back to give us a chance in better circumstances...

 

Rena

[Josalina]

very good point i hadn't thought of that, yeah i guess i do feel like the problem lol.

i will always hope my ex comes back too, he is very confusing. i wish everyone lived happily ever after, relationships have a lot to answer for, you never know whats coming.

[Olena]

The more I think about it the more convinced Iam that it does not make sense....

Why would someone say to you that one day they would like to marry you just before they leave you? It sounds as if they want to spread their wings and fly and me to remain on standby in case they fall...

 

IAM SO PISSED OFF TODAY thinking about it...

 

I gave EVERYTHING that I had to my partner for 6 years. And all I get in the end of it is 'this is not necessarily the end, but I need to find my self...'

 

Does anyone have an idea of the signs of depression? The guy got 10000 payrise in the space of a 3 months was sent to Florida on a business trip and he acted as if it's not big deal. He is indifferent to EVERYTHING, spends most of his day either working or sleeping and is not in the mood to do anything to help him self....

I find it amazing that I don't fit in. I find it unacceptable that he told me that he needs to find him self and what makes him unhappy and that he needs to change his life by starting from scratch. And the slowly started tp bring in whatever he misses - possible my self....

But what if I never fit in into his happy little world, after he is through with the party that he decided to throw for him self and mizery?!!?!?!?!?!

 

Really, has anyone easle dealt with a person showing signs of depression?And if so, what did you do?

 

Olena

[Rooster_DAR]

This situation you guys are in mirrors exactly what I've been through, except I'm a male. So much so that I could type in my story and you could match them up word by word.

 

My Fiance came back from working out of state for 4 months, and she claimed she was extremely depressed (which I believed at first). After being home a while, she distanced herself, quit wearing my engagement ring, and was just sleeping all the time (in the other room). She would also plan trips out of state without me once in a while with her fellow co-workers. As you all did, I kept getting the "I need space" "I love you but I"m not in love with you" jargon, but the next day she would be in my room crying that she does not want to lose me and doesn't want me to find someone else. There was also statements like "I'm going to hold on to some things, never know what the future holds".

 

I finally got tired of the rollercoaster so stated to her it's over and I'm leaving. Back and forth this went on till finally I did have to move out. It's like this person didn't know WTF they wanted from on day to the next. We would text message back and forth and I still got the same mixed messages from her. After a month or so, I took the engagement rings back to her (yes , I took them when I left), and she stated if we reconcile that she wants to get marrieed. Once week later, she stated she can't give my what I want(basically it's over).

 

She still maintains that her issues were with depression, but judging by her actions I believe she wanted out of the relationship but did not have the balls to do it right because she didn't want to hurt me. I also think another party was involved, but she never admitted it. I cut her off completely and changed all my phone numbers, and no I don't have to listen to her screw with my head anymore.

 

Cya

[Olena]

Hi rooster,

 

Some of the signs that you mentioned in your relationship are similar to mine. However, the signs of him not being 'normal' have been with us from the beginning of the relationship. When we met he had a lot of things that he needed to do to catch up with life and I was always right next to him...

 

At the moment he realises that he had finally catched up with life, but she has in a way walked passed him as he has never really had any fun for the last 10 years or so...It's pretty sad....

 

During our relationship we never spoke of a future together...I never implied that I wanted to get married. Until one day whilst we were arguing about his break he asked me what I expected from a 6 year long relationship. I got the hint but simply replied that 'I needed him to love me'.

He sat back looked at me and said that 'every man has a circle in his life and he would like me to be with him to the end'. Iasked him to explain himself and he said that he would like to marry me, but not before he feels that he is happy with him self....

 

Maybe he is not in love with me. Maybe he never has been in love with me. But I find it unbelievable that someone would say such a thing just to let me down easy and because they don't have the guts to tell me in my face that it's over.

 

I just can not believe that someone that I have stood by for such a long time wants to walk away from me to become happy, when all I have done all these years is to hope and try to make them happy.... He says that everything ealse in his life is so hopeless that he can not enjoy or feel good about the relationship at the moment, but that he would like to be able to come back under new circumstances. He would like to remain in touch, as he feels that if we lose contact we lose every hope of getting back together....

 

I feel let down and very disappointed on him. I could never quite imagine how disappointed I could feel because of one person and I certainly didnot expect to feel such disappointment out of this particular person....

I find it very difficult already with friends or work colleagues to bother about their problems as I feel that it's just not worth giving my time or energy to ANYONE.

 

I am in shock by the things that I have heard, and I just can not perceive how this could be happening to use. I just can not believe it all...I just feel that him telling me now out of all the times in our relationship that he would one day like to mary me sounds like a promise to change things....and how am I supposed to find the courage to pack up and walk out of my life and start working on a new life??????????

 

I just can not believe it all...

[Josalina]

i know exactly what u to are saying, i asked a doctor on the symptoms my ex had, he is a friend of the family and told me to go on goole and type inquarter life crisis as my ex is nearly 23, people will laugh the amount of times i have meantioned this but my doctor said it happens to so may people they don't know what they want they are confussed, it is the same symptoms as depression but a bit different as they can go around happy sometimes then offish then next, they don't know what they want, they are confused etc, he said anyone can have a life crisis and the most popular person to suffer throughout it is the partner they are with, the person with it has nearly effect until its to late.

 

just a thought.

[Josalina]

sorry meant to say the person with it has no effect until it is to late.

i am getting very tired, must stop coming on here at night b4 bed as i give advice but spell it all wrong cos i am tired, think i should log on late afternoon from now on.

just take care of yourself, if you have truely done nothing wrong he will realise when it is too late.

[Rooster_DAR]

You can't wait around for someone to decide what they want, all it's going to do is screw your life up.

 

Move on

 

Regards,

[daphne]

I just can not believe that someone that I have stood by for such a long time wants to walk away from me to become happy, when all I have done all these years is to hope and try to make them happy.... He says that everything ealse in his life is so hopeless that he can not enjoy or feel good about the relationship at the moment, but that he would like to be able to come back under new circumstances. He would like to remain in touch, as he feels that if we lose contact we lose every hope of getting back together....

 

I don't believe that someone who's truly in love can walk away from someone, regardless of how depressed they are. I believe that his last statement is to manipulate you and string you along. He's threatening that you dont' have a chance if you don't cotton to his rules that you have to stay in his life. It's not good for you to hang out and wait for him to make up his mind. You'll lose self esteem wondering why he doesn't want you.

 

Also, bringing up marriage was another string along tactic. My ex alluded to this right before telling me he was moving away. This was a way to string me along in case things didn't work out where he was going. This is bs and if you respect yourself, don't consider it reality. It's deceptive. It's a "maybe I'll marry you if you just let me get my reassurance until I figure out if I really want to be with you."

 

I would just move on with no contact and heal yourself. Let him go because that's what he's asking for. And don't stick around in the hopes that he'll throw you a bone. You'll waste precious time that you could be healing from this. My ex came back and I was well on my way to forgetting him. It set me back quite a bit to find out that he still didn't know what he wanted and he was just trying to keep me from forgetting him.

 

take care of yourself.

[Josalina]

i understand what you r syaing, i am going down the route of nc now, it is the hardest thing ever but i had the last word, which helped because i won't be quizzing over his last text.

he will be reading over mine, i so want him to realise but u and rooster r right i won't wait around, i had to drive past his house today to get home and he was the only one there, well his car was, i do still wonder what he is doing etc, he told me he misses me, but still nothing, so if someone still don't want u after admiting to missing u, thats it right?

[Lonelystar]

It is amazing how many people say they are confused and need to think about the relationship all of a sudden. My ex of 5 years told me and that yesterday we broke up offically because I couldn't handle the waiting anymore. He wanted to stop talking and being there for me and I couldn;t handle that. He said maybe in the future we will realize he needs me, but I think that is a buch of B.S. I think it is a way to string me along incase he doesn't find anyone else. Maybe I'm bitter. Sorry if I sound it but this pain is killing me and I dont even know what to do anymore.

[Olena]

Hi there,

 

Indeed it is amazing how many people feel that they need a break from their relationship...

 

I have spent the last 8-9 months arguing about the whole situation with my partner but I am now beginning to realise that there is no point in it. Once they make up their minds they make up their minds...

 

I am not happy at all, and I know that I will be heartbroken when I eventually sort out things with my new job and move out of our place. I don't know what the future holds, and what might happen, but in a way I have lost every hope for an improvement....

 

Because of the amount of time that we have been talking about the break, and the fact that he hurt me I am coming to terms with the fact that I have to let go...But I still feel that he is letting me down easy by saying the things that he is saying...

 

Yes there were problems in the relationship. But I know that whatever he does, whoever he meets, nobody will ever love him as much as I did. I am getting more and more prepared with the fact that I have to kiss him goodbye and wish him luck...

 

Sad as all these years it never ever crossed my mind...

 

Olena

[Rooster_DAR]

It is sad Olena, I I feel for you very much. I'm experiencing the same issue here, and realize there is nothing I can do to convince the S/O otherwise. When someone wants a break or to breakup, our automatic security blanket mechanism (for lack of better term) kicks in and we try to rationalize with them. The best thing to do is let it be and don't try to prove your points to them, and don't try to make the feel like they are making a bad decision.

 

Keep up the good work kiddo!

[Rooster_DAR]

But I know that whatever he does, whoever he meets, nobody will ever love him as much as I did. I am getting more and more prepared with the fact that I have to kiss him goodbye and wish him luck.

Olena

 

Crap! I really hate to see good people go through this mess, it's depressing.

 

This is a terrible tragedy, I know exactly what this feels like and it is hard to stop obsessing over it. It will take lot's of time, and in several months from now it will be just a sad melancholy that floats by once in a while.

 

Take care

[daphne]

But I know that whatever he does, whoever he meets, nobody will ever love him as much as I did.

 

Maybe next time you'll find someone who'll love you even more than you loved your ex.

[Olena]

Hi there,

 

You are both right in saying that it is a tragedy and that perhaps next time someone will love me more.

 

But does it ever happen that two people love each other as much in a relationship? To be honest at the moment I can not even think of being with anyone ealse as I know that they would end up paying the price for everything. Besides I think that sometimes it's best to be alone rather than with bad company.

 

But generally, I think that it's very hard to forget someone who loved you a lot as you end up comparing them to everyone ealse. At the same time, it's hard to forget someone that you loved a lot.

 

At the moment, I am not ready to forget the whole story yet. I just want to let go and be left alone....

 

I am beggining to realise the meaning of 'if you love something set it free and if it comes back to you then it's yours, if not then it never was'.

 

I am not hoping for anything (perhaps only a miracle:o ). All I want to focus on is my self and my career which is just about to take off!

 

I am thinking of booking a holiday for my self and just getting away for a few days...! And perhaps buying a sports car after that will give me a few moments of happiness.

 

One thing that I am convinced about is that from now on NOBODY will become more important to me than MYSELF.

 

Olena

[RecordProducer]

Olena, he sounds totally gay to me!!!

[ginaann81]

I completely understand what you have gone through. I too experienced a difficult time with my break-up with my former boyfriend/fiance of 8 years. it is very hard to do the NC and actually stick with it as I continue to struggle with it. He has expressed to me that he misses me and is sorry for hurting me. However, he continues to claim that he needs to find himself and explore life.

[Rooster_DAR]

However, he continues to claim that he needs to find himself and explore life

 

This is yet another term that means it's over. I need to put that on my list in the thread I started the other day.

 

Things will get better, hang in there Kiddo!

[Aussie65]

I have been going through exactly the same thing over the last month or so.We were together for a long time,he was living with me and things were going great then all of a sudden he says he wants to move back to his friends house......mind you I waited on this guy hand and foot and things seemed to be fine between us,still making love right up to the day he left!.

His excuse has also been depression and I saw him go downhill over the weeks he moved back to his friends and tried to help him but he would not let me in.He closed himself off from me and even wouldn't let me take him to the Doctors...I started to feel so unwanted by him but I persisted to let him know I was there for him,loved him if I could do anything to help then call on me.

What more can you do for a person that just shuts you out like this and refuses anything from you?

I love mine so dearly and I know he loves me but one day he was here the next he had left State....YES...he didn't even tell me he was leaving,he asked me to give him a few days as he was vey depressed and needed to sort himself out and then a friend of his tells me he went to another city in another State!I never even got to say goodbye and I feel there is no closure to our relationship.

After I tried contacting him with SMS and calls for a week he FINALLY called me and said he wants to be friends,that we had no future together because of his severe depression,that he was concerned about me and wanted me to take care of myself and my family.I sobbed and told him "but I love you and want to help you"...I could hear him choking back the tears and when I asked him if he loved me he went around it and would not tell me but I insisted and he told me when he met me he never planned to fall inlove with me...it just happened.

I am heartbroken as well and would have given this guy the world but what do0 you do when they close the door?

I was sending him inspirational messages daily but have now given up and believe if he wants me,he will contact me but I don't think I will hold my breath waiting on that one.

I think it's time to say goodbye,burn those treasures and get on with my life

[Olena]

Hi Aussie,

 

I am sorry to read your story. I suppose the guy had loads of things on his mind...sometimes depression does not mean that a person needs to see someone but simply to get out of their routine or a situation that affects their mood. I suppose the fact that he left without saying goodbye says a lot. He probably didn't have the courage to face you as he would have had to answer a few questions which I am sure you had...

 

His message has it seems to me that he has made up his mind that it's over in saying that 'you can not be together because of his depression' and not really saying that if he was under different circumstances there could be a future...

 

I don't know...maybe some people are not meant for long term relationships...Or maybe they were not mean to have long term relationships with us...

 

You have the right attitude...If he wants you, he knows where to find you, but don't hold your breath in the mean time...

There are many ways that somebody can love you...as a person, as a woman, or both....I sometimes wonder whether you can conbine both in one person...If someone is not looking for love when they meet you, then it's probably because they already have issues, and those problems will catch up with the relationship sooner or later...One thing that I have learnt from my relationship is that love is not always enough in spite of all the bs that we see on TV...

The circumstances need to be right...

 

Take care.

Olena