When they say: "I need to think.. but remember I love you & will be thinking of you"

[vanButterfly]

I am 29, and my ex is 30. We were together 14 months. In that time we broke up a few times because of differences in morals and values and trust (I cant trust him when he goes out with his friends. He has lied to me. He has come along way since then).

 

(2.5 wks ago) We got to a point where we both agreed to break up. Different morals and values. We both cried so much when we parted and told each other how much we love each other, etc..

Up to the end we would spend Friday night to Monday at his house, then Tue, and Thur at mine, and any day we were apart we would talk on the phone for 2 hours (no exaggeration..).

 

Ok. He wanted to keep in touch. I didnt. I couldnt do it.

 

Days went by and I kept telling myself that we could try again. I contacted him and we spoke. He was crying saying that he loves me so much, and is scared to lose me (because I wanted no contact), but doesnt think that we can be together and it's too soon to try again, and he needs to think. We argued a lot in the end about our issues. He said that he doesnt know what is worse - to be together and argue, or to be apart. He made me promise to never throw away a teddy he gave me and to always keep it - no matter what, and to always remember that he is thinking of me, and that he loves me. He cried that he wanted to keep in touch to see if I bought a place for myself, what I am up to, etc.. He said that if we dont keep in touch, then he will feel like he has lost everthing.

 

Now.. days went by and we emailed each other, I called him a couple times, he smsed me. We were going to meet a week in the future to celebrate major dental work I had done.

 

I got to a point where I couldnt do this anymore. I smsed him one night saying that I had to get rid of the teddy, and that I had to cancel the dinner we had because I couldnt make it. He smsed me and said:"you are going to throw teddy out????" I didnt answer. He then asked me why I have to cancel, and if I got a better offer. I didnt answer. He called me (this was midnight) and asked me why I have to cancel.

 

Couple days later I called him and asked if he wanted to catch up on Friday night. He came over - we went for coffee and he ended up staying at my place. We made love - it was all love and kisses and hugs. When we woke up, I didnt know what was going to happen. I didnt want to talk about it, but I asked him : "so what now?" He said that he didnt know. but he thinks we cant work because we are different. He again says that he still loves me and not to forget it". I told him that he should tell me honestly if he thinks we would never try again - because I dont know what to do. He said that he couldnt tell me that, because he needs to think and he doesnt know himself.

 

By this time I am confused and decided he doesnt know what he wants, and I should stay away from him. I decided to put my life full throttle ahead.

The next day I dropped off the teddy at his house and went straight home.

 

4 days later I was excited that I got a loan pre-approved and smsed him. He wrote back that teddy and he are happy for me and he asked me how the teddy got there. He said that teddy is on his bed now and that he is looking after him, and when he saw the teddy on his door step, he was sad because he thought it would live with me.

 

[ok - this teddy was something we used to joke with and so it was something special to us - never mind out age )

 

I didnt reply. The next day he knew I was going to the dentist to have the 'final work' done and he smsed me and asked how it went. I told him and after a couple smses I ended the conversation and told him to have a good evening.

 

This is my understanding:

----------------------------

1. He doesnt know what he wants but wants to keep in contact so it's easier for him

2. I dont know why he keeps the teddy on his bed. Maybe he is sad and is still getting over the breakup ..no idea.

3. I think he is genuinly sad, but if he REALLY cared and wanted to be with me, he would be calling me. None of this sms rubbish.

 

Is this realistic? I think I am being realistic, but sometimes when I am emotional it is hard to tell. I am moving on, but I just wonder why he says the things he says

[Josalina]

i have some of the same problems as you. its hard my ex is lost and confused to, men are such funny creatures lol:laugh: .

your right he cares but if he wanted you much, he would give it a go, or is he scared that if it does go wrong again, u will both lose contact for good?

do u see him as a friend now or something more? as it looks to me as if the balls in your court, he sound like he still loves you, but u are going to move on. it is so sad when things like this happen, do u want him back?

as he has said he obviously still cares, now if you want him back, i would tell him how you feel, but dont let it get into an arguement, that way he has something positive to look back on.

it sounds like the only reason he cant be with you is because of the argueing so ask yourself if you dont get on, is it worth it. u done the right thing by saying nc after as that will make him think, as he wants the best of both worlds, no commitment but u when he wants you.

look afetr number one, if it is meant to be it will happen in the mean time dont let him use you, as hard as it is.

try nc for a few weeks i will be amazed if he can handle it, that way you will know whether he wants you because he miss's you and not because he wants it his way.

stay strong

[vanButterfly]

He is scared to try again because he doesnt want to argue anymore, and he feels that it might not work. We both agreed that we wanted to remember the relationship as pleasant and loving and that is why we should end it on this note (since the moral and value issues seemed not fixable).

 

I question whether these are fixable. It means that I would have to accept him and his behaviour.

 

Anyway, I dont think the ball is in my court - and I cant tell you how comforting that is. When I was with him, I would always doubt..should I be with him..should I not.. I love and care for him so mucn but I cant see that he is a suitable father..can I accept him for who he is ..blah blah..

 

So it isnt in my court now. I broke up with him, and when I approached him to try again he said no.

 

We have not argued since we broke up. He openly critisized me and our relationship, and I took it. What he said was true. I accepted my role in the breakup and unreasonable expectations of him. He actually came to my defence when I told him that I understand how he feels when I do <blah> and <blah> and that he must have felt bad.

 

Anyway, I will not put any effort in contacting him. If he wants me, then he knows where I am. Meanwhile I have lots of catching up to do with my old friends and hobbies that I neglected. I am curious myself what will happen with the no contact.

 

Does your ex give you mixed messages or does he just want time off to see what he wants?

[silentcharon]

It sounds like you're stringing him along with the whole nc thing. You said yourself you couldn't didn't want to stay in contact with him, yet, you said you texted him several times. It isn't just him who doesn't know what he wants, you don't either. It's either you do nc or you don't. Most likely it hurts him when you contact him, then say you can't do it anymore, then contact him anyway, the cycle goes on. You're confusing him too. He made it clear he wants to stay in contact, possibly remain friends while he figures out his life. It's up to you to stick to what YOU want.

 

Practice what you preach... I'm aware that it takes several tries before nc is in effect for good, for however long nc is needed.

[vanButterfly]

This is true. I agree.

 

I don't do it on purpose to hurt and I understand that many times it is me that contacts him. I just dont know if I can do the friends thing when I only ever saw him as a lover and partner. It hurts to be friends. I dont know how anyone can do it if they want to be more than friends with someone and share affection. I can get affection (as anyone can) from any other male, but it doesnt mean anything and it's not something I want to do. I want it to be from him only. So to be friends with him only would be difficult.

 

So I guess him and I are not so different after all in terms of knowing what we want. Both scared to try again and we dont know what to do.

 

All I know is that I will leave him alone and respect his space. The line of communication is open between us and we both feel safe to contact each other and talk. We will talk when we will talk.

[Josalina]

when i c him out he is lovely, talks, smiles to me etc etc, but still nothing in the relationship, think he wants to be friends while he works out whats wrong with himself, he is goin through a quarter life crisis, but doesn't know it yet.

like you i find it hard just being friends, its early days only neraly 2 weeks from the split but i still love him.

he has made no effort as yet to get in contact by phone unless i make the first move which i did the other day to show i still cared, but now i will leave it, i don't do chasing so i am going to like you get on with life and if it is meant to be it will happen if not, its there loss.

[vanButterfly]

Sounds exactly like my situation! He wont call me either by phone unless I initiate it, and he always says that it's nice to talk to me. We end up talking over an hour.

 

They dont need to call us because we are the ones calling them. We have to leave them alone to their space. Let them live their lives without us. If they are happier - then so it be. If they are not - then they know where we are. Otherwise we end up 'creating' the environment of not being sure what they feel because they are never the ones who call us.

[vanButterfly]

My ex did contact me. He emailed me and asked how my indoor soccer game went this week. He also sent through (I was born in March):

 

"Mar

Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive.

Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity.

Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy.

Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to

bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others. "

 

He said that "I thought that it was kind of true (and cute)..apart for some things on March"

 

I'm over it. (Not 100% or I wouldnt be posting on here )

I'm not going to reply. I've done a lot of thinking since he last contacted (before this time) me a few days ago. He isnt the kind of man I want to be with for the rest of my life. I do miss him, but he's not for me.

 

He doesnt know how to be in a dedicated relationship and he doesnt know what it means to be in a relationship with someone you love.

 

I know that this email is not an invitiation or request to talk about our relationship. So I am not interested in entertaining his boredom. He has his friends that I came second to for this. Not me.

[silentcharon]

Yes, stay in NC.

 

Don't be the "in between" friend, it's not worth the heart ache!