So in love with her...

[PeteX]

I met her 8 years ago, and for me it was love at first sight. I got to know her, back then, and eventually asked her out. Only then did I find out she had a partner.

 

So we became friends, instead, but it didn't last. After a few months of friendship our attraction crossed the line and became physical. She felt tremendous guilt, though, and it couldn't last; the day I told her that I was falling in love with her was the day she ended it.

 

So we went our separate ways. I moved. Changed my phone numbers, too, and job. I found a girlfriend - a lovely girl, and a nice stable relationship that will never set the world on fire. All this time, though, it was her in my dreams. I thought about her every day - wondered what she was doing. Had she got married? Had children? I knew I could never contact her again, but I accepted completely that I was in love with her, and always would be.

 

Then, just 18 months ago, she found me. She's married to her partner, now. The same guy from eight years ago. We spoke on the phone, and she told me that she loved me too. That she always had, but had just been frightened. That she'd made a terrible mistake in marrying him.

 

We talked every day on the phone, and the attraction was just immense. Unstoppable. Incredible. I knew it was inevitable that we would meet, and 5 months after we started talking, we finally did. No words were necessary - we hugged, kissed and made love.

 

Our relationship, this last year, has been intense to the point of obsession, but also a reminder of how good life can be when you feel such passion for another person. All I want is to be with her.

 

Last week she told me that this emotional rollercoaster was tearing her apart. She told me that she can see no way that she and I could be together - the barriers were insurmountable. Her marriage. Familial pressures. My relationship. The unbearable pressure and guilt of lying all the time. She may not love her husband, but she respects and likes him - and doesn't want to hurt him.

 

I understand much of what she says; I hate lying to my girlfriend - I like her a lot, but it's never been the kind of love that I felt for 'her'.

 

I know she still loves me. She's told me so, but here we are again, apart. Maybe it won't be too bad, this mundane life. Marry my girlfriend. Make her happy. Do what's expected.

 

Right now, though, it just seems empty.

[Guest]

take it from someone who has been cheated on by her husband...you and this other woman are creating something that will be unbearable if her husband finds out. respect her and her marriage and leave her alone. no one can ever replace your spouse. let them have a chance at happiness togehter.

[littlekitty]

Please don't marry your girlfriend. That would be just cruel when you clearly don't love her. Why would you marry someone you're happy to cheat on?

 

I'd suggest you finish with her now and put her out of her misery. Why drag one more person into this sorry mess?

 

It seems a shame that your ex can't be more honest with herself too. She's obviously not happy in her marriage, nor does she love her husband if she came hunting for you, and had a year long affair. However, you can't force her to leave if she doesn't want to. And clearly she isn't strong enough to take that leap to be with you.

 

Do you want to forever be the 'secret affair'? The 'hidden lover'? I suggest finishing with your girlfriend and spending sometime trying to move on and get over the ex. I don't see there being a happy ending in here for you two.

[PeteX]

Thanks, LittleKitty.

 

I've no doubt that the right thing to do is to move on. The hurt and anger in the short term worries me, though, and I guess that sometimes I'm guilty of taking the coward's way out... and doing nothing.

 

I'm keeping up the charade of a loving boyfriend, and doing my best to ensure that she gets everything out of the relationship that she should. It isn't right, but sometimes you get in so deep that getting out seems impossible; broken promises, disappointed families, hurt partners, deep financial ties.

 

Leaving seems like such a difficult thing. I may not love her, but I don't want to break her heart. Neither do I want to cheat on her forever.

[Spiderman]

Quote - The unbearable pressure and guilt of lying all the time. She may not love her husband, but she respects and likes him - and doesn't want to hurt him.

*sarcastic head goes on* It must be really unbearable, I just can't possibly start to comprehend how you must be feeling, all that guilt, it must be so hard for you to keep doing this poor guys wife!

 

She can't respect or like him that much, if she's f*cking you behind his back!

 

Quote - know she still loves me. She's told me so

 

Wake up and smell the coffee.

 

Even if this woman does leave her husband and comes to you, which she doesn't appear to have any intention of doing, you're honestly telling me you'd trust her?!

 

In regard to your GF - It seems you're on a mini cruise waiting for the chance to captain a more impressive vessel. Do her a favour an end it - If you marry her, you're as bad as you're piece of tail on the side.

[Spiderman]

Thanks, LittleKitty.

Leaving seems like such a difficult thing. I may not love her, but I don't want to break her heart. Neither do I want to cheat on her forever.

 

Grow some balls, be a man. If you don't do the honourable thing you'll end up hurting her even more.

[littlekitty]

Thanks, LittleKitty.

 

I've no doubt that the right thing to do is to move on. The hurt and anger in the short term worries me, though, and I guess that sometimes I'm guilty of taking the coward's way out... and doing nothing.

 

I'm keeping up the charade of a loving boyfriend, and doing my best to ensure that she gets everything out of the relationship that she should. It isn't right, but sometimes you get in so deep that getting out seems impossible; broken promises, disappointed families, hurt partners, deep financial ties.

 

Leaving seems like such a difficult thing. I may not love her, but I don't want to break her heart. Neither do I want to cheat on her forever.

 

Exactly... cowardece is what is keeping you where you are. Nothing including broken promises, hurt partners, financial ties and especially disappionted families makes it impossible to leave. There are always possibilities. I know it can seem hard, but regardless you can leave. You just have to suck it up man!

 

Please don't make her or yourself live a lie. How long do you think it would really last? Come on now. Be honest with yourself.

 

As for the ex, as Spidy say, would you ever really trust her?

 

Either make moves to get single and get over her (the ex). Or make moves to get single and go after her again.

 

But don't get out of this relationship, into another, and then destroy another person by doing the same thing with this women in another few years.

[BUTAFLY]

She may not love her husband, but she respects and likes him - and doesn't want to hurt him.

I understand much of what she says; I hate lying to my girlfriend - I like her a lot, but it's never been the kind of love that I felt for 'her'.

 

I don't understand why people are so gun hoe to save marriages if this is whats going on. the social pressure and stigma of D is rediculous. If a person feels so so about there partner why make it a death sentence if it doesn't need to be.

PeteX don't marry this girl. If you do your gonna be on here telling us you settled, aren't happy and now in love with another women. Save the drama and work on making you happy and not everyone else.

[PeteX]

Thanks for all the comments... harsh or otherwise.

 

Spiderman - I wish life is as simple as the picture you paint. It's possible to fall out of love with someone, especially after many years, and yet still have a bond of friendship and intimacy. It's possible that you can fall for someone else in a big way, and not want to hurt the person you're supposed to be with. It might not be the romantic ideal, but people are emotionally complex.

 

Yet, I'm not going to deny that there are underlying moral issues to the decisions I've taken. There are. I haven't always done the right thing. I know that.

 

This has never been about sex for me, it's been about life choices; who I spend the rest of my days with. It's about correcting the mistakes of the past so I can be happy with my life.

 

It's never a good idea, I think, to leave someone for another person - which is why when I do it, I'll do it for me. Alone. Yes, I'm feeling emotional cowardice over the tough decisions, and every year that I dilly-dally, the bonds become harder to break.

 

To those who asked if I trust 'her' if we somehow did end up together? Yes.

[LakesideDream]

PeteX,

 

Been there done that. My exwife (25 year marriage) decided to "find herself" with her OM, (a H.S. boyfriend from 25 years earlier) I accidentially found my first love, (another H.S. love from long ago).

 

She and I did as you did, had a short buring affair, did and said the same things you did, stopping for the same reasons as you did. In the 5 years since, I have been unable to form a "relationship", I have only been able to date casually.

 

I currently do the same as you. Yes, I'm full of longing for something I cannot and will not attain. I'm old enough now (55) that it may not matter.

 

Sometimes the reality is that the world is cruel.

[Spinderella]

It isn't that difficult for a woman to leave her husband, easier for a woman to leave a marriege than a man I suspect. She probably has two emotional needs going on, one for stability with a man she respects, and one for passion, with a man she desires. I could relate to this. She probably feels torn, in that she knows she should choose one or the other, but without the other, each one loses its attraction.

Perhaps you should leave both of these women, and try to find somebody who can fulfil your needs who is also single. What advice are you asking? If you are asking will she leave him, I think no, she will not. Why would she leave him when she has you both? This kind of intense passion does not last very long, so another year of this, and she will probably no longer feel the same for you. When this happens, you and her husband are both in the non passionate category, and who do you think she will choose?

When she married him, she had already met you, yet still she married him.

It must be hard to be in love with somebody who is not available to you, probably this also makes it more passionate, certainly it would make her behave differently than she would if she were a single woman, perhaps she would not be the same at all. I think if you want her to make a decision, then stop allowing her to have you both.