heyduh Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 our lovers often see the clearest, brutally honest reflection of themselves in us ... and sometimes the reality is just so hard to fathom that they prefer to leave us than face it. just as love brings out the best in us, so it does the worst. i've been having some interesting thoughts today based on my personal experience and I'll try to elaborate what I feel may be just another "unspoken" reason (out of many possible reasons) that dumpers dump dumpees ... i feel this one is more likely in situations where the dumper has no good explaination for the breakup and refuse to want to talk about it or have "closure" .. hmmm we all think of ourselves as very special, unique .. and while we know we have certain faults, we all like to think of ourselves in a more positive light than not (this is true generally speaking but may not apply to low self esteem folks) .. in this PC western society, our friends, family and colleagues just reinforce this false notion that we are so much better than everyone else ... think of it, how many "friends" or family really call your bull[COLOR=red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=red]*[/COLOR]? most superficial friends in today's worlds don't want to go there ... specially here in metropolitan USA, most friends are ... well ... fake. on the other hand, most of our casual friends, family are going to usually say nice things about us, boost our egos ... the ones that do call your BS, are the ones closest to you ... more often than not, your lover. your lover will bring forth all the faults in you ... like upholding a mirror to your face. i posted a message earlier on some thread saying that i believe I learnt the most lessons in life from past relationships, particularly my most recent EX. and she sure as hell learned a lot about herself too ... i know this because she talked to her friend about how much she learned about herself from being with me .. blah blah blah. i may be oversimplifying this but most people do not want to face their own faults. people want to avoid seeing themselves in a lesser light than they believe themselves to be, or want to avoid situations that reflect their own shortcomings … and so they leave. almost ashamed of themselves for being shown who they really are – ok the last sentence may be too drastic, but do you get my point? Of course, both me the dumpee and her the dumper will learn our lessons, hopefully improve ourselves and be better people for it. Depending on how glaring these shortcomings/faults are … it may be easier to let go of the painful relationship, fix own problems, and find new love … because staying in the relationship that reflected our own shortcomings is always going to be like the broken glass that was glued together …? Thoughts?
vanButterfly Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 You reminded me of one of my relationships where he couldnt stand to be in the relationship unless he was honoured or looked after.
vanButterfly Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 In some break ups I think this is true too. It's hard to accept your own faults in a relationship for some. One partner I had refused to accept any responsibility for anything. To him - he had no faults. He decided to move on and preferred to be alone without anyone 'revealing' any of his faults. TO be in denial is to be happy. When I was single after this, I remember thinking that I felt good because I felt like I did nothing wrong. (There was no one to pick on me for anything). I also thought that as soon as I got in a relationship, this feeling would go. (Here I was wrong because of course every other partner is different). It's hard to face your own faults. It's hard to say you have them and then think about how you can improve yourself. It's always easier to go to the next relationship with a CLEAN slate. If you stay in the same relationship, EVEN IF YOU ARE NOW A BETTER PERSON, there is still the hurt from the pain you caused each other when making mistakes and uncovering flaws. There are 2 options: - stay with your same partner - each knowing the faults. This is hard because how can you REALLY forgive and forget the past (reason why I just broke up with my ex) - move on and start CLEAN. FRESH. NEW. NO ONE REMINDING YOU OF WHAT YOU DID TO THEM. EVen when they dont say a word, and you did something bad to your parter, they remember that they wronged you and they feel guilty. Much easier to get a new partner!
Jane Doe Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I've never really thought of it that way, but you make a valid and reasonable point. People don't like to hear the truth.
cool_breeze Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Yeah i think it is very interesting. Peers will always say your right and back you up. Those closest will tell you what you wont want to hear becuase they will give an honest opinion. I think it is a healthy thing to occur presented in a suitable manner. Needless to say it should be balanced with compliments about characteristics in the partners favour.
Values Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Easy answer here. Everyone has faults. Good relationships between honest, rational people are about working on yourself. A relationship is just a microcosmic way of looking at yourself and the rest of the world. Yes, your faults and the faults of your partner will come out in a relationship, but a healthy relationship is built on knowing those faults and helping each other to improve on them or by having them not matter at all as long as they don't cause discord for either person. I think what heyduh is saying, or at least what her words made me think of is the truly messed up, weak people who always run from their problems. My heartless ex even admitted regularly to being a runner, although her being a non-stop liar I had to find out on my own. My ex's faults eventually came out in our relationship and although I was too dumbfounded to notice, she noticed her weaknesses causing us problems and decided to find another guy to try and cover up her inner sadness. She still kept me on though and lied, lied, lied. When she started to see her faults once more with him she dumped us both and is now engaged. I guess Michael Jackson has left some worthy words/advice on society, "I'm starting with the man in the mirror" We should all start there, but the mentallly unhealthy, relationship leeches probably never will.
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