give me some and me get through this.

[Noristat]

For some reason my thread title messed up but it's supposed to say "Give me some advice and help me get through this."

 

I am a brand new member here. My best friend gave me this website, because he told me it was great, and all the things I've read so far have been good, but my particular situation is a bit different and I need some help.

 

I am twenty years old, and I was with my girlfriend for almost four years. She's a year older than me and we've been together since my junior year of high school, and I'm a junior in college now.

 

She broke it off with me at the beginning of the summer for a lot of reasons. I wasn't doing well in school, I wasn't being honest with her about it because I was ashamed, and she said she just couldn't trust me anymore. All through the summer, we went on vacation together, saw each other every week, and finally, school started. The first week of school, she sends me an e-mail. Basically, this is what it said:

 

"I feel like I've been moving on without you for a long time now. I think I like someone, and there's a good chance he likes me back. I'm not sure if anything will come of it, but I thought you should know."

 

She lied to me about who it was, and a week later, they're a couple. They are now in a relationship together and it's been less than a month since she really broke it off with me. I don't know if this is a rebound or not, and this guy seems completely wrong for her. He's not her type at all, but I don't really care about him, I just need advice on a few things...

 

I love her more than anything in the world, and I really took her for granted in the last few months we were together. I realize my mistakes now, and I've sent her tons of e-mails, letters, and stuff explaining it. She hasn't responded to them, but she just text messaged me last week asking where I was because I disappeared from her life completely. I was following the no-contact advice that I found on her, and I've stuck to it pretty faithfully.

 

She said she wants me to move on, find someone else amazing that I won't make the same mistakes with, and start to heal. I realize that I do need to do that, but I want her back so badly. I cry myself to sleep every single night, it's hard to eat anything, and the only way I can really sleep through a whole night without waking up is if I work out and physically exhaust myself. I talk to my friends and family every single day about it, for support...especially driving home from campus because it takes me about 30 minutes to get back to my house. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

 

My strategy for dealing with this has been to not contact her period, avoid her completely, and let her contact *me* if she ever wants to talk again. She still cares about me, according to her, and she still wants to be my friend, but I can't handle it. She says she knows that she is hurting me when she is around with her new boyfriend, and she's concerned about me, but I refuse to talk to her or see her. There's a girl that lives next door to me who I always had a big crush on, but never acted upon because I was in a relationship and I've never cheated on my girlfriend or even thought about it. I've done a lot of stupid dishonest things but I never actually did anything, and like I said, I took her for granted when we were together.

 

Everyone tells me that I should pursure this girl because I'm almost positive that she likes me back. I'm not sure if I'm ready. To be honest, if my ex called me and told me she wanted to see me, I would do it, and try my hardest to get her back...but I also think I could probably go on a date with this new girl and have a great time.

 

Will my ex see that I'm dating someone else and freak out? Will she want to know about it and try to contact me? I'm not really sure. Also, would this destroy any hope I have of ever getting back with her, even though she's rebounding with this other guy immediately after a 4-year relationship?

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know the best way to heal and move on with my life. I want a good strategy for making myself attractive to my ex again so that she might call me again in a few months or realize that she still loves me (I'm thinking around Christmas time?), but I know I can't count on that. I think this new girl could really make me happy because I'm very attracted to her, but I'm not sure if it would be fair to her since I'm such a basketcase.

 

I am staying busy with classes, work, and I've been very physically active, working out and trying to make myself look good again. Since I don't want to see my ex in person right now I know that doesn't really matter, but eventually I hope I can look a lot better than her physically and we will run in to each other. Is this a good idea?

 

I just need some advice from people who have gone through this. I pretend to be over her, but I'm not, and the road ahead is very long. I think maybe dating someone new would make it faster, but it could also make me feel worse, I'm just not sure.

 

Please, if ANY of you could talk to me, on this forum, or maybe IM me or e-mail me or just make a new friend, I would really appreciate it. I am very lonely right now, and I am starting to cry as I type this. I need help and I know this is the internet, but all of your posts have helped me so far and I want to be involved in it, because I don't think I can do this alone...

 

Here is my contact info:

 

AIM: Rhynzel

E-mail: [email protected]

 

Thank you..

 

-Drew

[Shuffty]

Hi Drew,

 

First of all, i feel your pain, honestly, i'm going through some troubles at the moment and your post nearly had me in tears, it's the hardest thing in the world to try and understand why someone you love so much doesn't want to be with you. I know it's easy for me to say i understand the pain, but i hope it makes you feel less alone to know that so many people on here really do know what you are going through. I think that's the good thing about this site, having been through it there are others who want to help you recover.

 

Of course it hurts, of course it feels like your about to throw up everytime you think about it, and then again when you realise you haven't been thinking about it so you start thinking about it, and so on... You were with her for four years, that's a long time, especially from such a young age, but there is light at the end of the tunnel!

 

You've already kickstarted your self by not contacting her, if you had completely fallen apart you would be calling her every ten minutes begging or saying you're calling 'as a friend' (which you aren't.) It's the only way to go to get her out of your system, and to start moving on. Keeping busy is also good to distract your brain, and stop yourself going back to your reflex thought.

 

It doesn't sound to me like you are ready to date this other girl, and it may not be fair to her (other girl) to try when you're wishing she was your ex. If you're not sure you are ready, then you're probably not. Having said that, you could go out as friends or just get to know her by hanging out, and not worrying about whether your ex will 'freak out', did she worry about you freakin out when she went off with this other guy? Actually she probably did, but it didn't stop her did it.

 

I'm not gonna lie to you, it is a lonely road to recovery (therapy talking...) but be thankful you have a support system in place in the shape of your family and friends, who want to help you and hear how you are feeling. They want you to heal and move on, but the only person who can do that is you. I get the impression, that although you are hurting really badly at the moment, you have your head in the right place, you know it's best not to contact her and to keep busy and that's a good thing. You're heading in the right direction, and you haven't given up on life because you're thinking about your future and the other possibilities (i.e the other girl, i was trying to put it maturely )

 

You've probably heard this already, but in time you will feel better, I PROMISE! And some day soon i think you'll surprise yourself by being able to think about her without that sick, empty sensation filling your gut. Or you'll go to bed, and feel the pain and want to cry but the tears won't come because you've cried enough over her.

 

Good luck an let me know how your coping down the line.

[Noristat]

Shuffty:

 

Thanks for your support. I'm doing better, but I just can't date anyone else. I tried, it was impossible. I'll let you know what's happening later..

[D-Lish]

Will going out with another woman hurt your chances for getting the one you love back?

 

No, it won't. It may increase your chances. It will stir up emotion she may not realize is there. It will probably make her jealous.

 

You cannot put all your time and energy into the hope you'll get back together. However, working out and keeping yourself busy, working on your personal issues that caused the problems in the relationship, and going out on dates are positive things in the healing process. You should do those things for you- and if she comes back, then she comes back. Don't wait for it.

 

Try and treat this period as "moving on". If you look ahead and think about trying to reach out to her at x-mas...then you are creating a barrier to healing, because you are putting your life on hold for 3 months by anticipating a reconciliation.

 

Everything you are feeling right now is normal. And it sucks. The NC is a great way to get yourself through this for the time being. It is obviously affecting her- so keep that up.

 

Geez, go on a date with your hot neighbour. Just be honest with her about where your head is at. There is no harm in dating. It will make you feel desired and temporarily engaged in an activity that doesn't involve thinking about your ex. What have you got to lose?

 

No, it will not harm your chances for reconciliation- but it may allow you some respite from the agony you are feeling right now.

 

Take care,

D-Lish

[BimmerNY]

Hey Noristat, how are ya buddy?

 

Hang in there man I went through the same thing in August. We were together for over 4 years too and she told me that she had met someone. I freaked out and broke up with her and days later she is in a new relatationship. I was like you too, wondering how can she just be with me one week and be with someone totally new and different in the next. I thought it couldn't work out too because it was a rebound.

 

But anyway don't see her man. I made the mistake of seeing her and talking to her for over a month and I just kept getting destroyed by her. When we were out she would constantly be on her phone with him, constantly talk about him, and just totally change and wasn't being the girl that I know and love for him. So I was like F-it, I'm done. Time to move on. So I started jogging, playing a lot more basketball, working out and reading/writing. I'm still trying to make new friends and even doing a lot of things to occupy my time.

 

Time heels everything, you will be fine my friend. Cheers. vbmenu_register("postmenu_917969", true);