Guest Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 our marriage has been in this "limbo" now for about five years. I married a man who is "emotionally unavailable". He doesn't talk to me, gets home from work, expects a clean house, expects dinner on a set time, expects the kids to be in bed by a certain time, then he watches tv and falls asleep on the couch. There is no intamacy-occassionally (but I liken it more to him masturbating) He is very nitpicky and yells even if his shirts are not folded correctly. i really tried to give him what I thought he needed: I was an adoring, affectionate and respectful wife. I thought he might give back. he didn't. he says he can't show love but that it's there. I have been so hurt and devastated that i am ready to leave. I know I have more self-respect than this. the problem is that I am a stay at home mom, he brings a good income and he may be a horrible husband but he is a good father. we have been to 5 marriage counselors: 3 of which have told me that I should leave. it's just that aside from him I am comfortable. I am 34 and feel like my life is already over. Part of me wants desperately out but the other part is scared to start a new life, especially as a single mom. then it will be my fault, as I have broken my family up. Reading this I realize I so messed up. Please help.
LakesideDream Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Has he changed since you married him? Breaking up a home is a big responsibility to take because you feel bored. But hey, it's the 21st century.. if it feels good do it!
Lor Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 But hey, it's the 21st century.. if it feels good do it! What a horrible comment. How does he react when you're at the counselling sessions? Does he react? You want actions from him but you sound like a type A, he sounds like a type B. It could be that he's thinking since he's the provider that he is showing his love for you and the kids. Most men who work outside the house and have a stay at home wife think that the woman's job is sooo easy. You have all day long; why shouldn't the laundry be done, food on the table, the house clean, right? He's anal...tell him if he doesn't like the folding job you do on his shirts, he can do it himself--and then let him do it himself! You're his wife, not his Mom. Does he understand how much you do and how little time a stay-at-home Mom actually has? Does he keep a planner at work on the jobs he works on? Maybe you should start one: 6:30 am Get kids up 6:45 am Make breakfast 7:00 am Supervise kids getting ready for school ....you get the idea. Bet if he showed him a weeks worth of this, it might open his eyes a little. Don't get me wrong; you're only 34 and feel like life is going nowhere and never will. You shouldn't be feeling like this. 34 is young--I'm 35 this year, have 3 kids, work full time and am finally getting a life! and so should you. You're a mom but when do you get to be a woman? When was the last time he took you out? When was the last time you got all dolled up so your kids say "Mom, you look great." You know, if you feel dead inside, its not going to come across as very attractive to him either. Time to work on yourself. if you feel attractive, you look attractive--its that simple, believe it or not. You need attention and affection and I'm sorry but unless he opens his eyes, you aren't gonna get it from him. When a man gets comfortable, what's the point of trying to be romantic? And some men just can't do it anyway. If what you are wanting is the spice, the romance, the passion, the thrill....you may want to consider moving on. But you'd better talk to him about it first, tell him what you feel you're lacking, what you are needing, see if he's willing to meet those needs. If not.....tell him sorry but you need so much more.
LakesideDream Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Lor, The truth is that everything about relationships has changed in the last couple of decades. Very few people are willing to "stick it out" for the kids, or to do serious work to fix relationships. Minor trouble in a relationship is ample reason to dump it. Example: "No Fault Divorce". Where I live a "No Fault" takes about 72 hours, lifetime committments are erased in less time than it takes to recover from a cold. If the divorce is "contested" it can take up to 6 weeks! The parties behavior makes no difference. "Friends", my experiance is that most couples have two sets of friends. Each from their own workplaces. There is little overlap. Generally "friends" support each other. This includes supporting each other in "dumping their boring spouse", and lying for each other to cover their "friends" misdeeds. Misery loves company, and companies have a lot of single folks. There are many more examples. Loveshack is full of them. Marriage has become temporary. To love, honor, and cherish as long as a person feels like it. That's reality. Young children add difficulties, they no longer are an important part of the decision making process. "Blended" families are the norm. Have you noticed? 55+% of 1st marriages end in divorce, 80+% of second marriages. It's a "if it feels good do it" world.
calalily Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 LakesideDream you're not being fair. If people wanted to just divorce, they wouldn't bother to come to this forum, and there would be no place for an entire sub forum full of people asking for help with their marriages. And no fault divorce is to try to save children the ugliness. I say, organise a strike of one. Shirts folded should be the least of his needs once he's the one who has to do it. Save up and go for a weekend away, or even a week away. If this is not possible, "get" chronic fatigue syndrome that makes you want to do the least amount possible. The policy in my house is if you don't like how it's done, the easiest thing is to do it yourself, and if you don't want to do it, don't complain about how the other does it. Most importantly, get a life - a course, a hobby - something outside the life that you two have. For one thing it will make you unavailable to him (and at the moment you are always there) and give you something else to put your talents into that will actually give feedback that you are doing well.
umbo Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Dearguest before you had a husband he was your boyfriend and you wanted more out of that relationship. You wanted a commited relationship a husband then you wanted a house then you wanted children then you wanted to stay at home. Now you are still not satisfied. Your husband has given you everything you thought you wanted Now you want a divorce you want to keep the kids and keep the house. Please reconsider there is no perfect marriage everything is not a problem.[email protected] Guest why don't you become a member.
LakesideDream Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 LakesideDream you're not being fair. If people wanted to just divorce, they wouldn't bother to come to this forum, and there would be no place for an entire sub forum full of people asking for help with their marriages. And no fault divorce is to try to save children the ugliness. Maybe it's not "fair", it's reality. No fault divorce is to save the women, not the children. Women demanded it, politicians supplied it. With "no fault divorce" came the era of the "dead beat dad". I personally know of many men who after "no fault" found their wives moving in with someone else. Others actually left to other states. Their only form of retaliation was by cutting off child support. VERY WRONG indeed, with no other choices they took it. No fault divorce created the "I need to leave to find myself", or for more "space", grounds for divorce as well. Here on LS we know what that means. Kids have been hurt most by "no fault". Don't "kid" yourself.
Plato1969 Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Lor, The truth is that everything about relationships has changed in the last couple of decades. Very few people are willing to "stick it out" for the kids, or to do serious work to fix relationships. Minor trouble in a relationship is ample reason to dump it. Example: "No Fault Divorce". Where I live a "No Fault" takes about 72 hours, lifetime committments are erased in less time than it takes to recover from a cold. If the divorce is "contested" it can take up to 6 weeks! The parties behavior makes no difference. "Friends", my experiance is that most couples have two sets of friends. Each from their own workplaces. There is little overlap. Generally "friends" support each other. This includes supporting each other in "dumping their boring spouse", and lying for each other to cover their "friends" misdeeds. Misery loves company, and companies have a lot of single folks. There are many more examples. Loveshack is full of them. Marriage has become temporary. To love, honor, and cherish as long as a person feels like it. That's reality. Young children add difficulties, they no longer are an important part of the decision making process. "Blended" families are the norm. Have you noticed? 55+% of 1st marriages end in divorce, 80+% of second marriages. It's a "if it feels good do it" world. Yeah, these comments are horrible...a horrible reality. There's more than a grain of truth in here, and as it might seem jaded and pessimistic, it is what it is. My wife left when the going got tough. I did the work, exhausted all options, and she found it easier to leave than work (while being whipped into a frenzy by her friends to leave me.) Not a thought was given to how it would really affect the kids, and living in a "No Fault" state makes it all the more easier to leave an "uncomfortable" situation. Now those same friends are advising her to gut me for all I'm worth...and why? Because she can. It's not difficult to see how one gets from A to B in this day and age. The cards are stacked against the institution of marriage, because it doesn't mean what it used to. A couple grand to buy out of your oaths, commitments and honor...what a sad commentary that is on what should mean so much more. The life-long commitment is no longer the norm (and hasn't been for quite some time), it's the exception. Working is too hard, quitting is easy. Our society has custom fitted marriage for failure...easy to get in, easy to get out. NEXT!! Guest, the ball is in your court...you hold your family's destiny in your hands. Are you gonna follow the rest of the sheep, or are you going against the grain? Fight for what you once believed in...what have you got to lose? Marriages fail because they are allowed to. With the exception of abusive relationships, there doesn't ever seem to be a solid reason why things can't be worked out. People fall in and out of love all the time, the trick is to not do it at the same time. And if you do so choose to leave, remember, it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. You can count on that!! Edit: Just wanted to add one more comment...some of what you're describing is abusive, DON'T stand for it!! Make your mark in the sand and don't let him cross that line again. If he does, then yeah, you may need to head down that path of separation. But for god's sake, make a stand, be strong!!
a4a Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Has he changed since you married him? Breaking up a home is a big responsibility to take because you feel bored. But hey, it's the 21st century.. if it feels good do it! crawl back under the bridge........ unreal remark. Projecting your own life imbalances on others is not productive.
Lor Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 No fault is only for women? That is such a generalization. My divorce is no-fault and uncontested. Why did I go that route? Because there is no reason to drag it on and no reason to make it ugly. Not all divorces have to be bitter nasty ugly horrid messes that scar everyone and leave both parties financially ruined. Cutting off child support because the other moves in with someone or moves out of state usually only ends up hurting the kids. Stuff like moving out of state is supposed to be handled in the proceedings, not afterwards. Not all women are vindictive, money grubbing swindlers and shouldn't be considered as such. As far as guest being a bored housewife....umbo, have you ever had a SO that is emotionally detached? They are next to impossible to make a good loving relationship with.
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