purpleplanet Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Whew, I never thought I'd say that! I'm the independent sort, and have been saving and planning for a trip to Australia for over 2 years now. I just got accepted to grad school there, it starts in February. I didn't plan on falling in love. I have been with Jay for nearly a year, and its been, well, amazing. He sweet, caring, cool, and we have so much fun together. He's clean, he can cook, he's a wonderful lover. And he adores me. But he has a 2 year old daughter, Ann, from his ex-girlfriend (they never married). Ann is not around much, he sees her during the week while I'm at work. The relationship with Jay and his Baby's Mama is not so great. I met her once, but as a "friend" of Jay's. When Jay and I first met, he talked about going to court for custody of Ann, and is still planning on that. For the past year, though, I have only seen Ann 2-3 times, and have been able to pretty much ignore that aspect of his life. I do not want to be a step-mother, and have always thought that as much as I love him, I would break the relationship off. My fantasy of us "happily ever after" does not include his B.M. or his kid, and is just that: a fantasy. Not fair to anyone involved and not realistic. However, I would marry him if he did not have a B.M. and a kid. I just can't imagine telling my parents I'm marrying someone's "baby daddy" and then settling into the second-place stepmother role. Or giving up my dreams of travel throughout my 20's before settling down. (I am 24) Part of me wants to be with him forever. But part of me wants to continue on with my plans, and get as far away as possible. The heartbreak now will be hard, but still easier than... that. Right? Am I being selfish? Will I be making the wrong decision by letting him go?
tikigods Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I am going to say that no you aren't being selfish. The kid isn't yours and right now you have no ties or any responsablity (sp) towrads it. If he does get it full time and then with the age she is at she is going to be around a lot more and you will be looked at as someone that can help out with her. It sounds like since he wants to be active in his daughters life you are going to have to really take the secondary role in his life since she will always come first. I say you are young, and you only live once so its my opinion that you should go off and travel and the like and deal with children or lack there of later on.
alphamale Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Will I be making the wrong decision by letting him go? No, you won't be
HeyYouGuys Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I am not sure what you aversion to being a stepmother is based on your post; is it that you feel it's a 'second place' role or is just that you really don't want to be involved with a child at this time in your life? I would think that one over. In any event, if you keep arriving at the same conclusion that NO...being around the child is just NOT what you want, then yes...do Jay, the child and yourself a favor and end it now.
RecordProducer Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Am I being selfish? Will I be making the wrong decision by letting him go?Actually you're not being selfish for taking into consideration how you would be in the role of a step-mother. Although your motives are set from YOUR perspective and about YOU, they do affect your lover and his child and they would be better off if you would be completely honest with yourself about the situation. There is nothing altruistic about accepting a role that you cannot fulfill and be unhappy and make others unhappy. You can't fake love and undertake responsibility that you're unwilling to take just so you don't appear selfish. Whether it's a wrong decision to let him go or not depends on what would be better for YOU. I loved my ex-husband very much and I married him although he had a 18-month year old daughter. I was 23 years old. The only difference is that his first wife died and the child was living with us. I was very unhappy because of her and a couple years later we split. I am very glad he left me, because I couldn't live with his child. If you think you're not ready to be a step-mom then don't make any plans about marrying him. Taking care of someone else's child (or any child) is a big deal and it takes a lot of love and sacrifice. If you don't love the child, it will be a terrible experience for you. Jealousy is one of the things that step-moms find hard to overcome. It's natural and you can't hide it from yourself. When you live with someone, you either love them or hate them. You can't be indifferent and just tolerate them. And don't fool yourself that you will somehow fall in love with the child. Things can only get worse. And if she is not a perfect child, she will piss you off and you will have lots of fights with him about her. When I married my ex, I was also ashamed to tell people that I married someone with a child, but people would always tell me: "Wow! How generous of you!" I always thought to myself: "Yeah... you don't know how it feels..." If you think about marrying him, try to live with him first and spend some time with his child. If he plans to have custody then only after trying to live with him and his daughter, you can be sure whether you can take it or not. Just don't get pregnant with him, for your own sake.
Author purpleplanet Posted September 15, 2006 Author Posted September 15, 2006 It is both, feeling second place and also not feeling "adult" enough to be in a parenting role. Any rational person would choose the best person to be the mother of their child, right? Making me, at most, second best. However, assuming that "rational" applies to people that casually reproduce might be an incorrect assumption. I think the fact that I am morally uncomfortable with their illegitimate status is also an issue for me. I feel pity for their child, and lose a lot of respect for both of them. I reach the same conclusion nearly every time. Thanks for the advice.
Lisa32 Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Do you know how hard it is to find a guy who's wonderful and a great match for you? It's close to impossible. I'm in my mid 30's and I can tell you, it's not easy. If I found a guy who I grew to love and couldn't live without, kid or no kid, I'd figure it all out and be thankful that 2 wonderful people were brought into my life. I know you have that image of perfectly ever after...but that's just not always a reality. You're not being selfish, but I think you're making a mistake if you let this guy go...just because he has a child. I can understand, because I don't want a man with a child either. I don't even want a divorced man, because I've never been married...but I'm not going to walk away from something good, when I'll probably end up growing to adore and love a child, even though it's not mine. Besides, she's going to grow up one day and be out on her own...then you'll have your man all to yourself.
Guest Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 It's not healthy living in a fantasy world in which this child doesn't exist. Consider this a life lesson and let him go. If he does remarry, that child deserves to have someone in her life that will cherish her not see her as competition or a burden. I don't know how this guy hasn't discovered your true feelings about this situation. I can tell if someone doesn't like kids, especially my kids, and if I were dating someone who wasn't ok with them, they would be gone before they could blink.
Author purpleplanet Posted September 15, 2006 Author Posted September 15, 2006 I think if I was older, I would totally agree. I would be more ready to settle down and stick it out, and hopefully more mature and confident in my parenting ability and baby-mama-drama management skills. I feel like even though it's the right thing, it's totally the wrong time, and the sacrifice required by me is just too much. It's been hard.
Author purpleplanet Posted September 15, 2006 Author Posted September 15, 2006 If you think about marrying him, try to live with him first and spend some time with his child. If he plans to have custody then only after trying to live with him and his daughter, you can be sure whether you can take it or not. That's great advice... I kept wondering when he'd get custody of her. He's still an undergrad. He says a lot of things that don't pan out. But I have these plans to leave for Australia. I need to make this decision soon. I think the doubt in my mind is just not going to turn out well. I'm sure his child will have enough to deal with, without my immaturity and insecurity. Sometimes, love's just not enough...
calalily Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I say take the trip to Australia, and if he is willing to wait for you, that is a perfect indicator of what sort of relationship it is, and the sort of guy he is. If he is still waiting for you when you get back, then stay with him. As an Australian post grad student, I say do not turn it down.
RecordProducer Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Sometimes, love's just not enough...It's true that love is not enough... but here you have a situation where you might fail in a very important area of your relationship (if he gets custody). When I told my dad how much my step-child was pissing me off, he told me: "You are pissed, but your husband is hurt!" You can get pissed 100 times a day and still love him, but once you hurt him and he realizes that you don't love his dauggter and wish she never existed, he will resent you. Then... love will not even be in the picture. I don't see why you wouldn't take that trip to Australia in either case.
Recommended Posts