The Vanishing Act?

[Guest]

At the end of July I attended a political fundraiser by myself, and I was approached by a man. We ended up talking the rest of the evening and we really hit it off. Before I left, he got my number and contacted me two days later. The next week we began seeing each other.

 

At first, I was overwhelmed by his attention (and sort of creeped out). He sent me text messages throughout the day, and sometimes he would text, email, and call all in one day! After our dates he always let me know that he had a great time and asked me out again almost immediately. He was also very affectionate, both in public and at home. We spent nights together once or twice a week but I didn't sleep with him. He was always very complimentary and he told me directly more than once that he liked me. Even though we were only dating for a month, it was a pretty intense month.

 

The last time I saw him was two weeks ago. He came to my apartment and we played a boardgame and watched my favorite show together. It was very tame but enjoyable. He spent the night and was acting completely normal - there was no sign that he was becoming less interested. He sent me a text message the following afternoon and he called that evening. However, that weekend his text messages became less frequent all of a sudden and I sensed that he was becoming more distant. On Sunday I sent him a message asking if he had plans and if he wanted to see a movie with me that night - but he didn't respond until Monday night. That was the first 24-hour period since our first date that he did not contact me (and we had been dating for a month). He apologized and asked if he would get a "trial," and I jokingly told him that with me as the judge a trial wouldn't help him. I didn't hear from him at all the next day, so the day after that I sent him a somewhat sarcastic email about his little disappearing act. I tried to be funny about it while still letting him know that I knew something was up. He emailed me back within 15 minutes (which is normal for him because he's always on his Blackberry) saying that it was the beginning of a new fiscal quarter and he was getting killed at work.

 

That is the last I heard from him, and it was 8 days ago. I broke down and sent him an email two days ago, but I had a legitimate excuse - I got a new cell phone number. I kept it short and sweet... just gave him the number and said that I hoped everything was going well at work. Didn't want to sound as desperate as I really am!

 

What do I make of this? Obviously it doesn't look good, but part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt. He works in finance at a major firm, so he regularly works 12+ hour days. He also warned me a few weeks ago that September was going to be an extremely busy month for him. I don't want to be obnoxious and needy, but I can't believe he has just disappeared like this! Should I accept that he lost interest out of the blue, or should I call him? What disappoints me the most is that he would go out of his way to convince me of his interest and then end it this way.

 

Oh, another thing is that he borrowed a book of mine and still has it. He also left two of his shirts at my apartment, one of which he claimed to be his favorite t-shirt. Even if he has no intention of ever contacting me again, I want my book back!! I would also like to give him back his shirts. How should I go about arranging the exchange?

[SoCalCatman72]

Well the simple way would be to let him know that you want to make an exchange of property. If he doesn't respond, then just mail the clothing back to him and take the book as a loss, if he doesn't send it to you.

[Jane Doe]

Men are very fickle sometimes. Well, actually most of the time. They can be totally into someone and then out of the blue want to end it. Hard as it is not to, you can't take this personally. I'd be willing to bet he's done this multiple times before with other people.

 

Sure, he may be busy at work but no one is that busy. He could've called you on his drive into work, home from work, lunch break, or bathroom break. One thing I've learned about humans is that we all do what we want to do.

 

Forget the shirts and forget the book. If you need the book so badly, go buy another copy. Fold his shirts up and put them in the back of your closet, in the basement, or somewhere out of sight. Don't contact him. You've already given him your new cell phone number and he knows where you live. If he wanted to contact you, he would.

 

Chalk this one up to a lesson learned. If he does make contact again, what's to say it won't happen again? And again? Do you really want to be with someone who blows hot and cold? Who needs that rollercoaster?

[Lisa32]

You are dating a classic commitment phobic. There's no logic, rhyme or reason to a CP's behavior. In fact, if it did made sense, that's when you'd know you were dealing with a normal situation who just plain old wasn't interested. The fact that your confused says he's a CP and was starting to fall for you.

 

CP's come on strong and are gone just as fast as they came, leaving a girl confused and questioning herself as to "What did I do?". If he was calling you a lot, texting and emailing you in the beginning, that's the first sign of a CP. They always come on strong in the beginning. A person who isn't a CP would contact you at a normal pace...taking it slow, calling a few times a week. This guy you've been involved with, wooed you, treated you like you were the very air that he breathed...what's not to love. the only problem is, once you reciprocated and started falling for him...that's when they run scared.

 

Don't blame or kick yourself and think you did anything wrong. It's not you. In fact, you did everything right and were most likely a perfect match for him...that's why he went running scared.

 

He'll be back. CP's usually always come back. Just leave him alone and don't chase him at all. Don't try to contact him. Once his fear subsides...and he sees that you're not a threat anymore, he'll be trying to woo you all over again, with a million apologies. Just understand one thing. Dating a CP is nothing but a bunch of ups and downs for you. Once you two get close again, he'll be running for the door. Usually it happens a lot quicker the second time. You might want to think about walking away from this one, no matter how much it hurts. The ups and downs will tear apart your self-esteem in the long run.

[2sunny]

It's possible that he's married.

 

Also a possibility that his wife was away for the month of August and is now back in town...

[Guest]

Lisa,

 

What you said sounds about right. I'd like to think that he was being genuine at the time, and then just got scared. Another thing is that I'm 22 and he's 32. I had doubts about a serious relationship because of the age difference, but I figured as long as things were going well, there was nothing to question. He never seemed bothered by it. In fact, he said he doesn't date women near his age because they all have marriage on their minds. I guess that's a sign of commitment phobia right there! He also told me a few weeks ago that he "really, really liked me," but it "wasn't supposed to happen." He said something kind of weird like "I should be stronger than this." I took it as a compliment at the time, but I guess it should have been a red flag.

 

I broke down and called him yesterday. I knew he wasn't going to pick up (and he didn't), so I sent him a text message afterwards. I know that goes against the "rules," but it gave me the closure I needed. I told him that I hate being obnoxious, but I also hate being ignored, and that he should have a little compassion (and courage). I don't expect him to respond, and I've accepted it. If he does, it's too late - my feelings were hurt and the trust is gone. Part of me still would like to hear from him again eventually just so I can have the last laugh, but whatever...

 

And to the person who said he might be married - the thought had occurred to me, but the night I met him he was with his brother, and he got my number right in front of his brother. I think he would've been a little more subtle if he were married/in a relationship.

[2sunny]

I still think he's married, brother present or not!

 

Have you been to HIS house? Did it appear that there were women's clothes in the closet?

 

Maybe he didn't take you there... RED FLAG!

[Guest]

haha, I actually never went to his house. It does seem strange, but I live in NYC, about 10 blocks away from where he works... and he lives in New Jersey. Going to his place never came up because it would have been pretty silly. He usually just walked to my place after work. I've also hung out with him and his coworkers a couple of times. I suppose anything is possible, but I really don't think he's married.

 

Also, I googled some stuff on commitment phobia, and he fits the profile almost perfectly. It's kind of weird, but it makes me feel a little better (almost sorry for him).

[bonny doon]

i am in the same boat as you. unlike you, i'm not as well-balanced. ie. i am too emotionally vulnerable.

 

met this guy for a very short period, a week, and then he pulls the houdini. i know, i know, it was only a week, but i guess i really fell for him (the last time things happened this quickly was over a year ago ... normally it takes me a while to warm up to someone, but i guess he had some kind of magic spell, not to mention a lot of qualities i look for in a guy) and my friends seemed to think he was absolutely angelic. one of my friends who met him was astounded that things fell through in the blink of an eye.

 

well. the houdini has happened, and i'm paying for it. for being such a dummy.

 

thanks for posting. i'm glad that you seem to be doing a lot better than i am, and even though this sounds kind of morbid i am glad that i am not alone. i hope no one judges me for this, but it helps for me to confess that i've been crying, crying crying, and hardly sleeping or eating. i know that something is wrong with me when it only takes a week for someone to upset me this much. i need to fix myself so this doesn't happen anymore.

 

but i hope people reading this understand that honestly, the last time i fell so hard and so quickly for someone was over a year ago, so (1) while i take rejection from any guy pretty hard, (2) this was a special case as i was kinda swept off my feet by someone i thought was a keeper, both in his qualities and in his behavior.

 

my bullsh*t meter needs some fixing i guess. and my head. i need a lobotomy.

 

sorry to hijack your thread, i just wanted to thank you for posting as it makes me feel like i'm not alone in getting the sudden cold shoulder. or rather, disappearing shoulder.

[bonny doon]

by the way, i've lived in both nyc and jersey city (commuting to work in ny) and i hear you on the whole NY-NJ thing. no one *ever* goes to jersey, but then again, why would you want to???

[Guest]

Well, guess who contacted me 9 days later...

 

He responded to the text message I sent on Thursday, saying "I am sorry, from now until Dec. I work late every night bc of year end, it sucks." What a typical, lame excuse! I have no desire to rekindle our little romance, since like I said before, the trust is completely gone, but I do want him to try, so that I can blow him off. So the question is, do I ignore him completely or do I send him a message back? My instinct is to ignore him, but I'm also tempted to send him something like, "At least be creative with your excuse. I hope for your sake that you're f***ing someone else right now, because you won't be seeing me again." For some reason, knowing his personality, I think that would make him determined to see me again... but I don't know, maybe he would just laugh and brush it off.

 

And yes, I know, he is not worth the energy I'm devoting to analyzing this... I just have a sort of obsessive personality and an undying need to "WIN."

 

And Bonny, hang in there! I may seem well-balanced, but look at what I'm doing! lol. This little dilemma of mine has consumed my life for the past week and a half. I've been skipping meals and moping around all day. I feel a LOT better now, but I'm still sitting around scheming... trying to figure out how to make some ass chase me again...