I don't understand...a little long..new here

[DAlvarez]

Hello all. I'm Deb, 27, married from Tennessee. I'm new here...I really don't even know where to start. At this point I'm so upset, I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm confused... I don't know where to turn. All I do know is I need some input, some advice....someone to listen, to understand and someone to offer some type of support. My story starts back in May of 2005. That's when I met my husband. I had been divorced for about 5 years and was still scared to get involved with someone becasue my ex was abusive, a drunk, a drug addict and a cheater... After several months of just casually dating (basically me running and him chasing) I gave into my husband and we started dating seriously. He had a car wreck in August of 05 and I almost lost him. I cared for him, nurtured him and nursed him back to health. He couldn't even walk for several months. Finally he was able to go back to work the beginning of this year and we finally were married in March. 2 weeks after we were married my husband (who had not drank since his wreck and swore to hiself he never would again...) got drunk, came home and we were involved in our first WW3 fight.... It became physical. He pulled my hair, dragging me across the floor, he pushed me alot. He swore he'd never do it again....silly me, already being put through this before, was stupid to believe I guess... Since then there have several times where he's come home drunk and done this. One other time was when some friends wanted us to go along with them to a local club. I grew out of my "clubbing" several years ago and I don't even drink....anyway, we went. My husband was on his way back from the bathroom when his friend asked me a question. I answered him and my husband, who was drunk, got mad thinking I was just "carrying on" with his friend. To make this long story short, I was sober, he was drunk, he wanted to drive, I wouldn't let him and then he hit me in my face several times. I went around with a black eye for a good week. Again, I stayed.....thinking we could get through this. He's never since then hit me like that, but there have been times since then where he's shoved me, slapped my head or something while he's been drunk. I can't stand his drinking, he knows this. I never told him he couldn't drink, before we got married he said he never wanted to; I just believe him.

 

Anyway.... My husband works a lot. He's originally from Mexico and works in a local Mexican Restaurant. He works 6-61/2 days a week from around 8am-10/10:30pm. He gets a 2 hr break during the day. The restaurant is only about 5 minutes from our home. If he gets break at 1:30pm sometimes he doesn't get home until 2 or 2:30pm.....I don't know where he's been.... At night, he'll come home no sooner than 10:30, most of the time later... When they close at 10:30, he comes home at 11 or later. Most of the time he says he's been over at the apts where his dad lives. I have caught him in a lie before about that though... Anyway here lately it's become very regular that he's not been coming home right after work. Sunday night I received a phone call from a friend who asked if I knew where my husband was. I told her no and she said she knew that he was over at the apts talking to her friend and stated that he wasn't married. Let me try to make this short. They called me on 3 way, he told her a bogus last name (his maternal last name actually) said he wasn't married, said he had no g/f, said he lived alone, then he asks..."Que estas haciendo?" which is "What are you doing?" in spanish. I thought I was going to die! I flew over there and we ended up in a HUGE fight! All my aggression that I had been holding in come out on him. All of the times that he's put his hands on me, I returned... He was drunk again. They pulled us apart and his excuse was because this girl was talking to one guy when she pulled up, she was looking for someone...the guy didn't know who she was talking about so he turned around and yelled for my husband by name. The girl was on the phone with a "so-called" friend of mine and when she heard his voice and name over the phone, she asked her friend to ask him if his name was, lets say, "Carlos Alvarez". My husband said when this girl already knew his name and started asking him a lot of questions, he lied about who he was and everything else about his life.... I still don't understand. I always say I'm married, NO MATTER WHAT! If he didn't want to answer her questions about "his wife" he could just say he's married and then turn around and walk away.... I just don't know. After we got home he tried to leave, but due to him being drunk I wouldn't let him. I didn't want to get smacked around anymore, so when he went into the closet (which is a very large walk-in closet) I locked the door behind him. Later on when I finally opened the door and started to sober up some....of course he was sorry. Last night I tried to talk to him about him not coming home directly after work. I asked where he goes. He says to his dad's or sometimes he just rides around. Why a married mad, who has limited time with his wife, and who works all the time would rather ride around than come home....beats the heck outta me. I'm just confused. I'm depressed. I don't know what to do. Please someone offer me something.... I finally talked to a friend. She said that if I stayed and she wouldn't feel sorry for me, so don't expect it. Not really the support that I want or need. It's not that I want someone to feel sorry for me, I just want someone to be sensitive a little, understanding, compassionate....I don't know...I love my husband more than words. I can't imagine my life without him, however, I can't imagine my life going through this either.... Please someone help, please

 

Desperate In TN,

 

Deb

[Walk]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy.

 

Are you considering leaving him? There are a lot of really good programs for women in abusive relationships. If you're interested I could do a search and see what's available in your state? There's also a forum within this site called "Abuse" that has a thread pinned to the top listing some resources you can check out.

 

What are your reasons for staying with this man? Other than love. Do you feel you have no where else to go? Do you feel he wants to change/stop drinking/etc.? What are the deep down reasons for staying? I didn't read anything in your post that you were even thinking of leaving, and I'm curious as to why?

 

He won't change.. you know this right? My honest advice is to leave him. Pack what you can while he's at work, and leave. Use the services set up for abused women so you can get the support you need.

 

Please keep posting if it helps you. The advice might not be what you want to hear, but please take it to heart.

[Bob Dole]

I'm so sorry. Sorry that you're going through this, and sorry that there are men like this in the world.

 

There's really only one thing to say: you deserve better.

 

Read it again.

 

You DESERVE better.

 

YOU deserve better.

 

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Hon, yes you do. You know exactly what to do. And I may be wrong, but it sounds to me like that friend that disappointed you is trying to be a REAL friend by telling you the TRUTH ... not what you want to hear.

 

He doesn't love you. He never did.

 

Love doesn't hurt. Not like this.

 

You deserve better.

 

And the fact that this is the second time around for this kind of abuse (or have there been others?) is something that is really important. On some level, you are either attracting this kind of man - or looking for this kind of man. It's NOT your fault. Ever.

 

But after you leave this person, you need to spend some time finding out why this cycle has repeated. It may take therapy, or a lot of soul-searching, or a look at your past. But it isn't a coincidence. And sadly, a great many women in abusive relationships go right on to another one. And another. And another.

 

It may not be what you want to hear, but it's what you need to hear:

 

He doesn't love you. He never did. And you deserve so, so much better.

 

God bless you.

[Hard2Think]

First of all - you getting physically abused is the most serious issue here by far. Please, please, get out of that house and get to somewhere safe.

 

The beatings won't stop unless he himself truly sees it as a problem and is getting counseling to help him stop. No exceptions.

 

The rest is abysmal even without the beatings. The man has problems and they have nothing to do with you.

 

Aside from this board - please go talk to a counselor who can give you some perspective on the situation you're in. As bad as you know it is - it's worse than you think.

[Moose]

Ask yourself, is he going to stop drinking today? How about tomorrow.....or the next day.....if not, that's three more days of hell, and three more chances he'll just blow up again and hurt you.

 

Cut all ties with this guy and leave. There are many places you can go, I didn't see that you mentioned any children, so there's just yourself to take care of, right?

[Mz. Pixie]

Ask yourself, is he going to stop drinking today? How about tomorrow.....or the next day.....if not, that's three more days of hell, and three more chances he'll just blow up again and hurt you.

 

Cut all ties with this guy and leave. There are many places you can go, I didn't see that you mentioned any children, so there's just yourself to take care of, right?

 

 

Moose rarely tells someone to leave- so if he's telling you you should listen to him. NOW.

 

This guy won you over with his charm but he's just like your ex.

 

He's also cheating on you and you know it. A married man does not run around like that. Period.

[quankanne]

sometimes loving someone isn't enough, especially when there's abuse involved. As H2T points out, "the beatings won't stop unless he himself truly sees it as a problem and is getting counseling to help him stop."

 

until he can do that for himself, and subsequently his marriage with you, this is not a relationship you need to be in, no matter how much you love him. Sometimes love means walking away from someone, no matter how hard it is.

 

and, you should never be asked or made to wallow in someone else's pigsty, ¿entiendes?

[justice]

I'm sorry there is no easy way to say this but outright. You need to leave him or you could end up being killed. I know you love him, but staying isn't going to help either him or you. Do you really want that? Do you have children? If so I urge you to please think of them even if you do not think of yourself. They and you are in immediate danger. You do need to go and he needs to seek help for his drinking and anger problems. If he does get the help he needs then maybe you two will have a better chance. Good luck.

[No Way]

Deb.

This looks like the first time you have even attempted to seriously figure this out. I think you must look at your part in the abuse. You stand there and get hit . I bet you were screaming at him at the time. You were being a bitch- thats what he tells you. Your in a screaming and shoving match then he snaps. It looks like you pushed his buttens.

 

Somehow you may feel you can make it work. You love this guy. The way he looks and stands and walks. Something is makeing you want to stay. But its not the man he is. It is who you would like him to be. You want him to have feelings of love and loyalty like you do. No matter how well you try to love him, you have no control over how he lives his life.

He is cheating. And he does not have the feelings for you that you have for him.

 

Look -- Deb will stay with this sociopath til he kills her. Look at her personality. I have never heard a story like this one except on Court TV and those end with dental record ID.

 

Deb will not leave. She has been beaten to a pulp and believes him only because she is afraid to be on her own. Ladies like this misinterprate the highly charged emotions for deep ones. He is incapable of LOVE. He can mimic it to get what he wants form you. But this type never feel love. EVEN if he shed tears. MIMIC. NOT LOVE.

 

Never EVER EVER tell him you are leaving. I know you need to know what he may feel if he lost you. The answer you will get could cost you life. When you fight him you may feel powerful but he is missing something you have. Restraint. YOU will say the wrong thing one day and that will be it. The body is very delacate. It is very easy to kill .

 

You will stay in the push pull drama until you have grown up. You have placed yourself in the victoms role because you are too afraid to take responsability for your own life. Do you feel like a scared kid sometimes? Somebody save me. Do you want me to feel sad for the horriable treatment you live with?

 

I feel sad that you fell in love with a sociopath and dont know what to do with the pain and disapointment. But You keep staying. Why feel sorry for someone who keeps hurting themselves. It is all your fault that you stay. HE WILL NEVER BE IN LOVE WITH YOU. NO COUNSELING WORKS ON PEOPLE WHO ARE MISSING CONSCIENCE. COUNCELING DOES NOT WORK ON VICIOUS LIARS. This is a big problem inside you. What is wrong with you that its ok to live this way. GET HELP FOR YOU AND ONLY YOU. AND NOT WITH THE GOAL OF HELPING YOUR "RELATIONSHIP" BUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

If you get away you are going to have a big breakdown. But if you dont leave he may accidently kill you. Most domestics are accidents and not planned.and he can not be fixed no matter how well you love him.

And if you keep a child in this ...... the child needs to be taken away from you. Yes this is child abuse by you.

 

I am being hard on you because you have spent a lifetime not faceing the truth. Take much better care of yourself than you have been. This will happen to you again if you dont figure yourself out. I say all this with your wellbeing in mind.

[nancyleeh]

Oh my, what else is there to say but to leave and begin your life anew. Your love for him will always be there, if you are living with him or living without him. That's the thing about love, it has no boundaries in distance, know what I mean? Love him from afar and give yourself a change to live a decent life free of abuse.

 

nancyleeh

[DAlvarez]

Well, it's been a few days... I've been busy at work and haven't had the time for nothing else this weekend. I appreciate all of your comments and your concern. I appreciate the understand and the support. THAT is what I need right now....not the one comment that felt cold and crytical. I understand that this person has an opinion and the freedom to post just like everyone, I can't change that, it's just not the direction that I need. There's more to me and more to my life than what this particular person that read into over my message and by not knowing completely about my past, I just feel like some comments were taken a little too far...But, no harm done, no hard feelings... For the rest of you, thank you. Y por quankanne, gracias y si, entiendo....entiendo que es muy mal por mi esposo a hacer eso....pero, es la verdad que yo amo a el tanto y es muy dificil por mi a dejar. No quiero las problemas, solomente quiero que todo puede estar bien con nosotros. Yo se que mi esposo tiene una problema cuando tomando, pero....es mal por mi a pensar que el puede cambiar? No creo....yo creo que es possible.... Y tu? Que Pienses? Pensamos que es mejor si tenemos aconsejando. Entiendo que cada cosa y cada vez que el me pegas es mal, pero, cuando te amas alguien y cuando estas casado...es mejor si tienes ayuda no? Solomente pieno que es mejor si probamos aconsejando primero y entonces si el no puede cambiar....no tengo un otro decision pero a dejarle. Me entiendes?

After a lot of soul searching and prayer....I've decided to get my husband and I set up with marriage counseling. I understand that my husband has a problem with drinking. I understand that they are probably hidden issues of other problems. I know that some of you can understand my point of staying and some of you will be shocked, outraged and think that I am impossible simply because I want to save my marriage. When I married my husband I married him because I love him, for good and for bad. This doesn't mean that I think it's ok that he has hit me, by no means....I DO NOT agree with that. I do believe in my marriage though. I believe in our love and I believe in the power of prayer. I cannot up and leave my husband without trying EVERYTHING that I can possibly do to save our marriage. I think there are resources available that can help my husband and myself individually and as a couple. My husband has agreed. I understand and he understands that this is going to be a long road, but it's well worth it in the end if we can overcome these issues and have a successful marriage. Wouldn't you agree on that? I think by my posting and getting as much feedback as I have....it proved to me that something does have to change. I'm just not ready to throw my hands up and quit. I just can't do that, not yet. I have to try, and as long as he's willing to try and recieve help, I believe that's the best desicion for us. I will keep you all updated and I hope that at least one of you can understand our decision. Thanks again for all your feedback and advice. --Deb

[No Way]

Hay Deb! I am sure my advice sounded so harsh. You love this man. The things I said didnt come straight from me, they came from a 20 year psycoligist. As you can see they seemed over anaylitical.

I get wanting to try everything before you move in another direction. But as you go, keep a few things I said in mind even if you dont agree now- they may have some truth for you later. I totally understand wanting to show him a better way. What you need is his best self.

 

But what if you never get it or worse get it for a few years then he gets even worse? I understand you need to try as hard as you can. Sounds like you have his kids.

 

I am a firm believer in family and keeping a marriage togeather. My faith makes it clear the very best way to have the favor of God is to live in the way God would have you live. But God will not bash His will down a mans throat. Man has his own will and God can not change that. Its His greatest gift and testomony. If we want to, we will walk in the way of the Lord. If your husbend doesnt want to, nothing, not even God can change his mind.But you have to find some peace that God knows your heart and all the times you have been wronged or misunderstood, you will be rewarded 10 times over. Even if its not what you want and know it is right for you, God may know you belong elsewhere. Faith is what gets me through. I am OK. Iwill be OK. I have God in my corner.

 

I was very frank with you because you seem like a kid who needs alot of guidence not sympathy. I support you in your life journey of becoming a wiser example to those you matter to most.

[RecordProducer]

Deb... you said many times you love him. But does he love you? He knows he is hitting you when he drinks and continues to drink. He doesn't seem dedicated to you or your marriage. Why is that? What excuses are you going to find for him?

 

If you are looking for excuses, you don't need us for that - you can find them yourself. But then don't complain why he is hitting you! Only when you realize that his behavior is inexcusable and unacceptable, may he take you seriously.

 

Right now he has zero respect for you. There is no love without respect. Promises are not enough. You have to make him quit drinking in a very short procedure. Let him know calmly, coldly, and harshly that the next time you find out he has had ONE drink only - you will leave him. Tell him you have found a place to go (and find it!). Tell him the next time he raises his hand on you, you're putting him to jail. And next time you hear he is flirting with some chick, you're changing the lock of your house.

 

Are you afraid that he will dump you? if he does, then he wiped all your chances to save your marriage and cut your waste of time. But I think you're afraid that YOU won't be consistent in your threats and that you have no place to go or money.

 

In that case, admit to yourself that he doesn't care about you, that you won't change him, and that you have no choice - no choice that you would make!

 

If I were you, I would work on my financial independence along with working on the marriage so you can be prepared to leave. If nothing works, you can always simply forget about him, let him drink, stay out of his way and live your own life without him on your mind.

 

The problem is: you want the impossible. You want him to love you and respect you. And he doesn't have the capacity for that. Or he would stop drinking.

[DAlvarez]

I received notification in my email that I had more replies.... So, I decided I would reply back to those...

 

First I would like to reply to your post No Way...

I thank you for your opinion and respect you for your opinion, however, I don't agree. You said, "Man has his own will and God can not change that.", but I'm sorry....God can do ALL things. God CAN change the hardest of hearts. If He cannot do all things, then how did He make a blind man see? or a deaf man hear? or how did He raise Lazarus from the dead? God can take the lowest of low and make them rise up, giving them new life...giving them a new beginning. It doesn't really matter what "man" has on their mind, God can always change their heart. I am firm believer that God is still in the miracle business and no matter what I am faced with, or what demon comes my way, God is my sheild. God is my courage and my strength. I can do ALL things through Christ. This also means saving my marriage.

 

For RecordProducer: I also respect your opinions as well....I just want to clarify a few things... I didn't come here to find excuses, I simply came here to vent and yes to obtain other's advice and opinions. I'm not offended by anyone's advice. But just because someone gives it, doesn't mean I have to agree with it... Know what I mean? I respect everyone for how they think and what they feel....but when it comes down to it, every single person is going to DO what THEY feel is best for them and their situation. No matter what anyone else says.... You made the statement "But I think you're afraid that YOU won't be consistent in your threats and that you have no place to go or money." It's not about me threatening or giving my husband ultimatums and it's not about me fearing that I would have no place to go or any money.... If that were the case, my home is my home and I work and make good money....that is no issue. It does boil down to me making a decision to listen to my heart, my mind, my soul and above all, GOD in this. I believe that marriage is taken for granted these days. No, I don't agree with abuse....nor cheating.... I do believe in solving problems, I believe that people make mistakes, and I believe people can change. I don't think when two people are married one should throw in the towel, per say, when they have problems. No, our problems aren't extremely mild by no means, but I would be more of a coward to walk away and not try to work on saving what is sacred.

 

We've had revival at my Church this week and it's been so uplifting and has given me new hope. My husband was able to go last night, and FINALLY we had a breakthrough. I know that there are probably many of you who don't believe as I do, that don't believe in being touched by God, but for those of you that do....you know exactly what I'm talking about when I say....WE were changed!!! Something happened to us this week that I can't explain through words alone. When we walked out of those Church doors, we KNEW that we were finally ok. We KNEW we had defeated those evil spirits and we were given the tools we needed to know how to recognize those temptations and evil spirits in the future. We know now what we need to do as a married couple in order to make our marriage more solid. We understand that love is precious and is something that should be embraced..... We made an oath to ourselves and to God that this is our new beginning and we're putting our trust in HIM, because only HE can do ALL things.

 

If I sound like a different person from my initial post, it's because I am. I'm stronger, I have more of a sound mind and I finally have ALL of my faith back. Above all, I'm thankful. I'm even thankful for the problems that my husband and I have had.....I know that we have made it through this, with God's help, and we can make it through anything! I have been reassured and redeemed and no one's post, no matter how ugly can take this feeling away from me.