I want to die

September 16, 2006

I too have a tendancy to focus on the negative things that happen on a daily basis and wonder "why me". That kind of self deprecating behaviour is VERY unhealthy. If all you ever do is focus on the negative things that happen- you'll spiral into a pit of despair. Focus on the good things that happen to you. Worry about the things that you can control, and not the things that you can't. You can't control another person's feelings or actions- but you can control how you react to them and how you react to yourself.

Good fortune has nothing to do with the divine- No god is centering you out to punish you for anything. Horrible things happen to both good and bad people everyday- horrible things happen to small children that couldn't possibly warrant the wrath of any divine creature.

Have you thought about therapy? It has really helped me to develop a better self esteem. Medication has also been a great aid to me. You have to learn how to like yourself more, it's important for you to do that.

being rejected sucks, I know that. The despair that accompanies a break up is debilitating- but it subsides with time.

September 16, 2006

People that have this deep emotional battles with depression and sadness actually have a gift, but unfortunately it comes with a price. You are more connected with your feelings, intuition, and self awareness and that provides advantages in some areas while it is a curse in others.

Unlike many people, you are able to be deeply connected to people, thoughts, and emotions which is something that ordinary people seem to lack. You are probably more sensitive and have a great sense of intuition. The bad part is, loss and anguish become extreme, and this can render you useless with your congnitive and emotional functions during periods of distress.

Read many articles on this, and it seems to hold true in most areas considering you are this type of personality.

September 16, 2006

I wish there was a loveshack place to meet all of the broken hearted.. I don't know why, but misery likes company.. You know?

Do you think I will ever be normal again? Do you think I am really better off living? I am sitting here thinking about what I have to live for.. I can honestly say, I have a dog, a cat, a house, a car, and material things, I have a lot of friends, but for some reason.. it just does not seem enough..

There is, it's called loveshack.org , I think misery loving company is the main reason this place continues to grow and thrive.

Yes, you will be normal again. It sounds like you are already headed down the path to recovery. The fact that you are thinking (positively) about what you have in life is a good sign. You have shelter, transportation, the love of your furry companions, friends you can talk to, and now......Loveshack . It's never enough though, which is why we are always reaching, striving and working for more, and in the process we grow.

Stay the course and keep reaching for that shining star.

Unlike many people, you are able to be deeply connected to people, thoughts, and emotions which is something that ordinary people seem to lack. You are probably more sensitive and have a great sense of intuition. The bad part is, loss and anguish become extreme, and this can render you useless with your congnitive and emotional functions during periods of distress.

Wow rooster, that's really insightful. I've always wondered why I felt that I can pick up on emotions so easily, I always thought it was a symptom of my BP disorder.

September 16, 2006

summer, i don't really know what to say, i wish i knew the right thing. i feel so bad, i didn't realise u felt like such a pain to your family and friends,

i know people say it will get better, and i promise in time it will, i am going through a horrible break up myself and it is the hardest thing i have ever had to do.

there is nothing that will take your mind of it 4 now, as if i keep busy i realise y am having to. i wish i could help u, i really do.

is there anyone close to you you have spoke to about this?

try and stay postive it is not what you want to hear but things will look up soon.

please hang in there, i still think u need to talk to a doc, i know u said u have taken depression tablets but they maybe able to do more for your benfit.

take care of yourself.

September 16, 2006

All's I can say to you is that he is not the Only reason I want to die.. Its one thing after another with me and I am so sick of it..

For example, I have been through so much crap in my life, its like every day is work.. I try and try to make the best of things, I put on a act for everyone to think I am so happy..

In reality, I am lost.. I feel like I am worthless, and everyday just seems to get worse..

you are depressed. it's fixable. let me reiterate, the problem is NOT what happens to you, it is how you respond to what happens to you. some people go through severe trauma and get over it. everyone who goes through severe trauma (and i don't include getting dumped by a loser as trauma) has the capacity to get over it. some would rather wallow and make self pity their defining characteristic. it's totally up to you whether you survive it or let it kill you.

I am sick of acting like I am happy, I am sick of always trying to help my friends and family out and everyone just thinks I have it made, since I have a lot of material things..

then stop. no one is making you act a certain way. if you don't like how you act, be different. everything you're saying is telling me that the problem ISN'T other people, it's YOU. and knowing that is great. because you can't change other people. but you can change yourself. all it takes is a decision to take back control of your life and stop living it to other people's rules.

I would give up everything for just One person to love me.. I know that my family and friends do care about me, but I want/need more.. I want the fairy tale, I want a man to want me as much as I want him.. That has never happened to me...

let me be bold and say this in a way it can't be misunderstood. finding happiness in marriage or with a partner is not simply a case of meeting the right man. it is also a case of being the right woman.

from what you have described here, you seem to be a needy woman who wants to be treated like a princess in that fairytale you describe. i would suggest that you are also so emotionally fragile that if things go wrong, you threaten to kill yourself.

honey, these are not the characteristics which will inspire a great guy to fall in love with you and want to be with you. i'm sorry, but that's the truth. in your current state of mind you will attract losers who want someone to mistreat. because you are sending out the message that that is what you expect. you have already said that you feel worthless. well, you will therefore attract men to you that treat their partners as worthless.

strong, confident, happy men want to be with confident, carefree, happy women. those women are not clingy. they are not overly emotional. they are not desperate for someone to love them. they are happy in themselves and they enjoy life.

these women are not different from you in any way except one - they have a different outlook. they expect people to treat them well. they value themselves as being worthy of love and they're willing to wait for a man that's right, instead of any old jerk who shows willing.

it is not a life work to become one of these women. you have it within you. you just need to realise that you are in charge and can become anything you want to be by thinking about yourself differently. if you need help with that, it's out there. join a support group, go see a shrink, whatever you need. this is all about you. don't let anyone else take the reins of YOUR life from you again.

September 16, 2006

I remember when I first started to talk about this guy everyone on this website told me to run the other direction... As I did not listen.. I went to him anyways with my heart saying please break me...

I guess its life.. You have good days and bad.. Right now I feel numb, I feel a little better then the last few days, but not much..

Rooster I am going to read your posts.. I always thought I was a little weird..

I just really need to focus on something else.. I need a goal.. I know I would like to go back to school, but right now, I know I can't afford it and I am not eligble for any kind of loans... I already tried.

I think I am also going to apply for a full time job and get myself out of the whole modeling thing.. I really don't like doing that, its great money, but I always feel like a object.. And I always meet the WRONG people..

I guess One day at a time.. I had a freind call me today and ask if I want to go to Jamica for the 1st week of December, as I am thinking about it.. I know I have so many people that care about me, and I am very lucky for that, my ex does not even know how many friends I have, he never cared to really ask me.. He has only met Two of my friends and he was not the nicest person to them either..

Maybe it is better that he left me.. I know I am sad, but maybe I am better off with out him.. I know in time he will kick himself in the ass for walking away, as I know I was a great girlfriend.. I never cheated, I did not nag much, I can cook, clean, etc.. So he can go out and really see if the grass is greener on the other side.. I hope he does call me and tell me how sorry he is, I just want to know he is hurting One day.. I will not keep my hopes up..

So, today I am going to meet up with a few friends and have some coffee and just hang out.. Maybe go shopping.. Shopping is a girls bestfriend!!!

I will keep you all updated on how I am doing.. I just hope I can keep strong..

I love you guys and thank you so much for helping me!!!

Summer

September 16, 2006

I got this e-mail sent to me today for some odd reason, but I thought you may all want to read this...

The Fern and the Bamboo

One day, I decided to quit. I wanted to quit my job, to quit my

relationships, to quit my spirituality; I even wanted to quit my

life. I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. "God", I

said, "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"

His answer surprised me. "Look around", He said, "Do you see the fern

and the bamboo?"

"Yes", I replied.

"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care

of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew

from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing

came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo."

"In the second year the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And

again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the

bamboo."

"In the third year there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But

I would not quit."

"In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed.

Still, I would not quit."

"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.

Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant. But

just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had

spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and

gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my

creations a challenge they could not handle," He said to me.

"Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling,

you have actually been growing roots? I would not quit on the bamboo.

I will never quit on you! Don't compare yourself to others. The

bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the

forest beautiful. Your time will come," God said to me. "You will

rise high."

"How high should I rise?" I asked.

"How high will the bamboo rise?", He asked in return.

"As high as it can?", I questioned.

"Yes", He said, "Give Me glory by rising as high as you can. And

remember...I will never leave you, nor forsake you. I will never give

up on you. I will never, ever quit on you."

Everyone has days when they want to "quit". When there are

struggles...obstacles in life, remember we're just growing roots!!

God has a purpose in mind for each one of us and we need to talk to

Him and let Him help us realize that purpose. Always remember, He'll

never leave us, He'll never forsake us, and He'll never quit on us.

~~ Have a wonderfully blessed rest of your day!!!

September 16, 2006

That is awesome, I'm going to copy it into my scrapbook. I'm so glad you're feeling better. =)

September 16, 2006

I loved that too Summer. There's SO much truth in that. My worst periods in my life were always followed by the very BEST times in my life.

September 16, 2006

let me be bold and say this in a way it can't be misunderstood. finding happiness in marriage or with a partner is not simply a case of meeting the right man. it is also a case of being the right woman.

There should be a concrete pillar erected in every capitol city of the world with these words inscribed on it.

Excellent!

September 16, 2006

very true rooster.

summer that last post was fantastic, that has made me feel loads better, i will print it off. thanks.

pleased your feeling positive today, keep it up.

my day has been eventful, you never know whats round the corner, take care.

September 17, 2006

WOW Summer! You just recieved that! That's how God works. Work on strengthening your faith in him and you will see that when you feel no one else is there HE is! I love that poem. I recieved it at a time when I was feeling pretty crappy too. Glad your keeping your chin up. I know it's hard but you've gotta make yourself get up and out sometimes.

You really made my day! Glad you're feeling better.

September 17, 2006

Summer, if you cannot get yourself out of this mood, go see a doctor. Sometimes your body goes wacky and quits producing the right kinds of substances which are supposed to make you feel normal. Instead, you get an overdose of the substances in your body that make you feel bad. We all live on a balance of biology and chemistry and sometimes that balance breaks down to the point that only a doctor can fix it.

And the worst of it is that the very substances responsible for the feelings also affect thoughts and make you think awful thoughts like that there's nothing good ever going to happen to you. That isn't the truth, but you can't see the truth now. It's like someone has thrown a black bag over your head so you can't see.

But people like us who don't have the black bag on can see ahead and know you'll be ok - but you have to reach out and ask for help. It's like the bag's too heavy for you to take off by yourself. So go to your doctor, Summer, and tell him or her everything you've said here and accept help.

You'll be so happy to see what life looks like without a black bag on. I promise.

September 17, 2006

With all that is going on in your life add a child and cps and the so called friends that were always there to listen to your problems. As of right now in the past 2 months I pursued your title and to tell you the truth, if it wasn't for my damn cell phone and one idiot I would not be here right now, so hopefully your life will get better and my cell will be off on my next go round. You are special to someone out there even though I do not know you, but you are. Just don't think about it so hard and let it flow. One day you will find it. If you do, don't take advantage of it take it to heart and enjoy every moment you can because in the end well, atleast for me you are left with memories. Don't let them fade away. Mine already are starting to.so I can block out why I am who I am and won't be when I turn that cell off. Have a great life.

September 17, 2006

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better. The Man up above has a plan for each and everyone of us. Here are some books that you can read during your spare time:

1. The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee

2. Maximum Achievement by Brian Tracy

3. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

4. Success Is A Choice by Rick Pitino

5. Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov

6. Freakonomics by Steven Levitt

I think you'll like these books. They are very empowering and englightening.

A year and a half ago, my fiancee dump me for another woman,so I khow what you're going through. Things happen for a reason. You're lucky you did not end up with that guy, because you want to be available when the right person comes along. You're only 30 years old and because of advanced technology in biomedical medicine today, you don't have to worry about your biological ticking. I worked in a non-profit medical research company and I know that people these days are going to live longer because of the many great advances in medical research that will surely revolutionize medicine 10 to 20 years from now. Before you go to bed think of the things that you are thankful for and let go of the hurt and let God take care of it. I always remember what my retired priest used to say at church, "Always Live for Joy, Beauty , and Truth" and "For every sorrow there is joy." One last remark, let go of that guy and having a positive attitude towards him will certainly makes you feel better in the end. Naturally when we're hurt, we also wants the other party who inflicted the pain get hurt, but this is not the best way to recover from suffering. You have to go beyond that. You just need to let go and ask God to help you because He will.

All the Best

A

September 17, 2006

Oh Summer, you just can't give up. I'm saying this as a person who has been there, not just there, but beyond. 9 years ago when I was feeling there was nothing left to live for, I did commit suicide. It was my stepmom's unexpected visit that saved my life the last minute, at least after lying in the hospital for two days.

You have to stop measuring what you have in life according to conventional expectations. 30 and still never married, no kids.... So what! Big deal! YOU HAVE YOURSELF, first and foremost. Trust me, there WILL be a rainbow after the storm.

September 17, 2006

The Fern and the Bamboo

Oh wow. Thanks for sharing. I absolutely love this story. Has given me a lot of hope at a time when I'm feeling down and stressed. Great story, and I hope you're doing better!

September 17, 2006

Last night I was watching CNN.. On there it had a story of how 25 to 30 percent of people have never been married and have never had kids.. I felt so much better after hearing that..

I guess things really do happen for a reason.. I know I miss my guy, but I also know he was not the right man for me.. I know I am a good person and I deserve better.. I just hope I can keep feeling this way.. Infact he called me yesterday and I told him I was busy and could not talk.. That took a lot for me to do, but I know it was One of the better decisons I have made.. He does not deserve to hear my voice or to know how I am doing.. He gave that up when he dumped me.. Its his loss, not mine..

I am very scared to be alone, but in ways I was alone when I was with him, so the only difference here is that I will not have a body laying next to me at night.. Thank God for pets!!!

I am going to go to a book store tomorrow, get a coffee and just read..There is a book called " Woman who love too much " I don't know if any of you have read that book, but its about how and why we stay with men that are bad for us.. Its a really good book and it explains a lot..

I think I will have my good days and bad, and today overall I am having a good day.. I am going to go and rent myself some movies, make a nice dinner for myself, light some candles and take a bubble bath.. Today is my day to enjoy life and to just be a girl.. Maybe I will get some wine.. That sounds pretty good too..

Have any of you seen a good movies lately? I don't like sad movies, I like funny movies, drama's or scary movies..

I want you all to know thank you so much for all of your help and advise, you all saved me! From the bottom of my heart thank you.. I wish you all the best and I hope we can all keep talking..

This is my e-mail address giamotazchopper@yahoo.com

if any of you would ever like to talk.. you can never have to many friends..

Summer

September 17, 2006

Infact he called me yesterday and I told him I was busy and could not talk.. That took a lot for me to do, but I know it was One of the better decisons I have made.. He does not deserve to hear my voice or to know how I am doing.. He gave that up when he dumped me.. Its his loss, not mine..

I am very scared to be alone, but in ways I was alone when I was with him, so the only difference here is that I will not have a body laying next to me at night.. Thank God for pets!!!

I am going to go to a book store tomorrow, get a coffee and just read..There is a book called " Woman who love too much " I don't know if any of you have read that book, but its about how and why we stay with men that are bad for us.. Its a really good book and it explains a lot..

I think I will have my good days and bad, and today overall I am having a good day.. I am going to go and rent myself some movies, make a nice dinner for myself, light some candles and take a bubble bath.. Today is my day to enjoy life and to just be a girl.. Maybe I will get some wine.. That sounds pretty good too..

Now your getting the picture...Just keep doing what your doing and you be okay kiddo! It's gonna be a pain in the ass emotionally at times, but you deserve better and the right guy will come along when you least expect it.

As for movies, they just don't make good movies anymore so I suggest renting the older movies (late 80's and all of 90's) . Myself, I have not felt like going to the movies since my breakup, due to it triggers crappy thoughts because my EX and I went to the movies alot.

Good luck!

September 18, 2006

Well I feel like crap again.. Man, this is worse then pms!!! I just keep thinking about my ex... I miss him so much. I don't even know or understand why I miss him so much for the fact he was never there for me anyways... I keep telling myself he is a lier, a cheater, gave me a std, and a user.. but I still miss him..

How is it that you can care about somone so much and yet they can treat you so bad? I really wish I knew the answer for that..

Or why is it that I miss him so much when he was not ever really with me? He had other motives.. He looked at me as a piece of as_ and thats it.. So why is it that I am hurting so bad?

I live alone and now I feel sad that I am home alone, even though he never lived here..

Do you think that maybe I allowed myself to think our realtionship was more then it ever was?

Wow, I just feel like crap! Its raining out here and I just want to cuddle with him.. I just want him to lay by me and tell me everything is going to be okay..

I just wish I knew what I was soppose to learn off this realtionship.. The only thing I learned was how it feels when another woman tells me she is sleeping with my boyfriend or what a std feels like!

Wow.. This sucks!

September 18, 2006

Good moments and then bad moments... that is how your mind works with a break up.

I woke up at 4:30am last night and thought to myself "I am okay, I don't love him anymore, I don't feel so bad at the moments"....

Then all day today I've been a mess again.

What both of us are doing is measuring our own worth based on how much some loser loves us. That is just wrong for us to do. You know what Summer? My ex is a loser. He was only average attractive, a little flabby, he had NO SEX DRIVE, no compassion, he was socially inept, and he had bad fasion sense....

haha. Anyway all my friends have taken to saying "you were way too hot and too smart and outgoing" to waste your time on that guy. And it's true! I get hit on all the time- but for some reason I chose to stick with a barely average, awkward guy who had major problems in the sex department.

I am trying to take solace with the fact that he really was a loser- and he was mean too. But here I am, like you, internalizing the rejection and feeling worthless.

We have to learn to value ourselves. That takes time and hard work. Curl up with your book tonight. I saw it in the bookstore and pondered reading it too. Let me know if it's worth it!

Take care of yourself Summer,

Dee

September 18, 2006

Yeah my ex had no sense of fashion either.. Its so sad that we stick with a guy that treats us like crap but we stay with them and they are not that attractive, can not dress, and are not the best to look at!!! ha-ha

My ex was pretty good in bed, but after he never really paid any attention to me.. It was like wham bam thank you mam! He would not hold me or anything.. Once in a great great while he would put his arms around me when we were sleeping at night..

Yeah, I know we will get over this, I just feel so much better venting to all of you since I know you all know how I feel..

The book called " Woman who love to much " is a GREAT book!!! If you have never read that book, buy it! It expains so much..

If any of you know of any self improvment books please let me know..

I know I need to work on myself, I know I am pretty and don't have a hard time finding a guy, its just I fell for the wrong One yet again..

I know this sounds mean, but I really hope he pays the price for letting me go.. I really do! I hope he kicks himself in the butt about this!

September 18, 2006

I hope my ex regrets it too. That is something we all hope for.

I was lucky if I got laid once a week by this guy- and it was like that right from the beginning! That was always a problem for me. It made me feel unloved and unattractive... but it was his problem, a low testosterone level I am guessing. But I stayed with him regardless- and loved him regardless, even though it made me unhappy.

I think it's the rejection that gets us. I wasn't all that happy in the relationship either, I knew he wasn't right for me. But as soon as he called it off I did a u-turn and suddenly wanted him back. That was because I can't believe this guy with "issues" let me go....

Seems like you are working on getting better- and you will.

DATE A NICE GUY!!! I am going to try and do that too. I'm going to wait until I get over this first. And I am going to work on liking me- I just started on medication for anxiety and depression, so I am going to wait until I feel ready until I immerse myself in another relationship. There is something empowering about being okay with being who you are.

I want to find that confident, happy girl that I used to be...then I will be ready to move forward with another person.

You sound a bit like me. Therapy has been good for me- ever thought about it? It can really help with the self esteem.

Hope you sleep well.

Take care,

Dee

September 18, 2006

I am also on a anti-depressent.. I don't have any heath insurance so I am not able to go and talk to anyone.. I wish I could..

Yeah, it sounds like we are alike in a few ways.. Its weird becasue when ever I meet a nice guy I am not into him.. I don't know why.. I like the cocky bad boy type of guys.. I know that is a mistake and I am going to work on getting and finding a better man.. Right now I would like to stay single and become the woman I use to be before I met my ex.. I want to be happy again, I want to love myself..

For some odd reason In ways I feel like my ex put some kind of spell on me.. I would do ANYTHING he asked for.. Anything.. It could have been a sex thing he wanted, clean his house, get a std and stay with him, get cheated on and stay with him.. Trust me, I delt with a bunch of crap from this guy and he did nothing but lower my self esteem..

I wish I was the One to dump him.. I really do.. I know now he feels like he has won.. But that is so childish of me to think..

I just hope that One day I will be able to trust a man again.. I know it will be hard.. I will probable always think that my new guy will cheat on me now.. Its a scary thing..

September 18, 2006

I am also on a anti-depressent.. I don't have any heath insurance so I am not able to go and talk to anyone.. I wish I could..

Summer, check your yellow pages, and call some of the local hospitals or medical centers. There are often places that give clinical counseling for a greatly reduced rate if you don't have health insurance. Might also check your local churches, I know mine has a lot of resources for depression.

Glad you are feeling better

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