I want to die

[Josalina]

in that case summer, i apologise if u didn't realise but your family and friends really do care, even if they don't always show it.

i have never been in this situation so find it hard to deal with as i have just experienced it from a family member so all i felt was the lost but although u feel bad now, i promise you it will get better. please look after yourself as spinderella has already said, and i don't want to feel as if there is no return. at the end of the day its your ex's loss, u sound like you have so much going for you and although i am trying to understand where you are coming from, we have all been there feeling worthless by usually just one man out of the whole world and for some reason this one person can have such an affect. i find you situation difficult do deal with from my past experience so i will apologise but i do think u need help, i dont mean it horribly just it may do you good as u sound extremly down. u r worthy and u have lots going for you, don't lose the will to live.

[SoCalCatman72]

Summer, I hope you're feeling better this morning. IMO having your friend over to talk was good. Try to keep surrounding yourself with people who you know truly do care about you and don't want to lose you.

 

I know how you feel, your heart shattered into a million pieces, in the darkest depths of despair. I know how it feels to not be able to get out of bed and lay around the house all day long. Sometimes in my darkest hours, I try to hold on by remembering that God must have something wonderful planned for me if He is allowing me to suffer this much, and if He doesn't, then He owes me big, and I intend to collect when I see Him .

 

Try to eat something, your body needs nourishment. If you truly can't eat, then try to take some vitamin supplements. Your mind and body are going through tremendous stress, and need support, especially vitamin C, B and iron. Try to drink juice, have some fresh fruit if possible, and keep playing with your pets. IMO pets and children are the purest expressions of unconditional love.

 

Sometimes helping others is the best way to forget about your own situation temporarily. Maybe there's a women's shelter, or other organization you can try to volunteer at to help take your mind off of things for a while. I dunno, it helps me sometimes, I guess seeing and helping people who are truly worse off than I am, kinda makes me realize how much I do have compared to some.

 

Don't allow yourself to be defined by this jerk and what he is thinking. IMO his tiny brain probably can't process the dual actions of walking in a straight line and chewing gum at the same time, so don't worry about what he is thinking or feeling, because he probably isn't capable of doing either with any real efficacy.

 

What kind of man will look at you at 30 yrs old never married with no kids? Well the man that looks at you that way you don't want any part of. The man who loves you for who you are will look deep within your heart and soul and see both the innocent little girl that lives within your heart, and the battle hardened warrior in your soul, that has fought the good fight, and continues to take on the world, one day and one challenge at a time. The man who will truly want you for who you are is the man who will be at your side when you are in your 60's, 70's and 80's, loving your body, heart and soul every bit as much as the day he first fell in love with you. The man who knows that physical beauty will always fade and that in the twilight days, having a soulmate, a best friend and constant companion is one of the greatest treasures on earth.

 

Stay the course, and remember it's a big world out there with over 300 million people in the United States alone. Be strong.

[SUMMER 1969]

Well I woke up today and I still feel the same.. Will this ever go away? I can't keep living this way! I just can't!

 

I actully took a shower today and I was going to try and clean my house and just try and get my mind off things, but I really don't think it is going to work.. I am just such a mess! I just keep thinking if I end it, I know people would be upset, but I really feel that they would understand.. Its no ones fault, its my own and I know this..

 

I don't want to hurt anyone, I really don't, but I just can't keep fighting.. I have nothing more to give.. I know life is like a gamble and you can't quit, you need to fight to stay alive and to make yourself happy.. I just don't have it in my anymore..

 

Never in my entire life have I felt so low.. Never! I have been rapped, been in fostor homes, etc.. I just can't do this anymore.

 

I was thinking of going to the bank and withdrawing all of my money and then leaving a note explaining why I had to do what I had to do, and to give the money to family..

 

I will also let my friends and family know on who gets my dog and cat..

 

I know back in the day if I ever heard anyone talk about killing themselves I would always tell them that it will get better and just try to think of good things.. I would always say the sun will shine tomorrow..

 

But now, I really think I am beyond help! I am so sorry I am venting to all of you, please forgive me.

[SoCalCatman72]

Summer, please keep venting to us. That way we know you are still here and haven't done anything to hurt yourself.

 

I'm glad to hear that you took a shower, and that you are thinking about cleaning the house. Your feeling will go away eventually and you will feel better, it will just take some time.

 

Sounds like you have been through a significant amount of childhood trauma. I too was a foster child, I have suffered through severe physical and emotional abuse. I know that as someone who has struggled through a turbulent childhood, all I want sometimes is to be with someone who makes me feel secure and whole, and when that someone betrays us and hurts us in the one way that we are still vulnerable, by breaking our heart, the pain of childhood experiences come flooding back compounding our agony and making us feel much more alone and vulnerable than ever before.

 

I am really concerned about the fact that you are making tentative plans to take your life, i.e. financial matters, your pets. Please, please talk to a professional if you can. I located these resources, I hope they can help you.

 

http://suicidehotlines.com/wisconsin.html

 

National Hotlines

1-800-784-2433

1-800-273-8255

 

And you do have friends here that care about you and empathize with your pain.

[SUMMER 1969]

Thank you for the phone numbers, but if I call them, They will just tell me that I don't want to kill myself and I will be okay..

 

I know all of this, but its just not clicking in my head.. Does that make sense?

 

Maybe I will call them, I don't know.. I am just so lost, I don't know what to do..

 

I just keep thinking that the best way is to just end it.. My family and friends will move on, and remember all of the good memories with me.. They will be sad for a little while, but they will move on.. I know this.. They are all very strong..

 

My uncle killed himself about 12 years ago.. Everyone moved on.. Now we just think of all the good things about him..

 

I guess it runs in the family by taking the easy way out.. I just want to be by god and just be happy...

 

They say that god does not give us more then we can handle, I disagree...

 

I can't handle this anymore.. I am really trying, I realy am, but every second just seems to be worse and worse.

[calalily]

Summer, you've made it pretty clear that this guy is a jerk, and that he has been yanking your chain for a while now, doing all sorts of terrible things to you. With that in mind, let me tell you about my worst time.

 

When I was 15, I lost my virginity by being raped. Unfortunately, I was raped again soon after by a friend of mine. I went into a deep dark spiral, took anti-depressants, tried to kill myself. All I could think about was how my life was ruined, how it wasn't fair, and spent a year in a pit of despair. I also found out that I caught an STD from this. This deep pit went on for 1.5 years.

 

Then I finally realised - my life is ruined, my body is ruined, and they will go on and have happy lives, not giving what they did to me a second thought, and doubtless never thinking of me again. But for what they did to me took an hour at most, I have been continuing their abuse long after they have forgotton me. If I continue, then they have made me do far worse to myself than they ever did.

 

If you hurt yourself, you are just doing what he wanted to do to you, did do to you, being far more effective. Do you really want to let this @rsehole who took so much have it all?

[SoCalCatman72]

I think you should call, you need to talk to someone about your feelings and thought, one on one, and not through a computer. At the very least, call your friend again and ask him if he can spend some time with you again.

 

I completely understand what you mean by knowing the truth, but it's not clicking. When we are emotionally burdened, we tend to ignore what we know and go with what we feel. As Spock would say "Captain, emotions are not logical."

 

So you think that the best way is to just end it, and that your family and friends will just move on? That they will be sad for a little while? Summer, your family and friends will be devastated for more than a little while. Every time they see something that reminds you of them, they will hurt. Every time they experience something that they wish they could share with you, they will hurt. Every time they think about how much joy you brought into their lives, they will hurt. Yes people will move on, yes they will try to remember only the good things and memories of you, but the pain will still remain for the REMAINDER of their lives.

 

You say that your family is very strong, well remember that you are part of that same strong family. Find that strength that you know all of you have, and there is no 'easy' way out. Suicide is a very selfish act, and all you will be accomplishing is to transfer your pain onto their shoulders.

 

God does not give us more than we can bear, though sometimes it feels like more than we can bear, but in the long run, we realize that He has made us stronger because of it.

 

You have a lot to offer the world, you seem intelligent, spiritual and caring. Someday, you may be called upon to use what you have learned through this experience to help another in the same situation as you are now.

[SUMMER 1969]

I know in ways I am being selfish, but I can't help it..

 

I am trying to be strong, I just don't have any fight left.. I really don't.. I opened my windows today and just looked outside for awhile, and nothing seems to be helping me..

 

I tryed to eat today but I threw it up.. My body hurts and I just feel like a lump of crap..

 

I know I am sitting her feeling sorry for myself, and I know I should look at the good things, but I just keep thinking how much happier I could be in Heaven..

 

My best friend was killed when I was 16 years old and I miss her so much, One of my cats passed away a few months ago.. I just want to go to Heaven.. I don't want to feel pain anymore..

 

I just want to be happy..

[quankanne]

hugs to you summer, it's never fun trying to bounce back from a failed relationship with someone you wanted ... but I'm a firm believer that something like this takes you one step closer to the love you meant to have.

 

as someone suggested earlier, keep posting your vents, and stay in touch with us. To which I add, talk to the doctor who proscribed the antidepressants and tell him/her that they're not working, that you are not seeing in difference in your behavior – for a lot of people, it takes a couple of tries before you hit the right combination of meds to combat depression.

 

suicide sounds like the best solution, but in all honesty, you'll be cheating yourself out of opportunities for something wonderful to happen even though you might not think it's possible. The love you are meant to have will come find you, even if it means having to put up with some jackasses along the way; don't ever give up that spark of hope – you are NEVER too old to deserve love.

 

Hell I can't even keep a ******* in my life.

 

believe me, you don't want an anal pore like your ex to be your defining love, he is so not worthy of you, and deep down, he prolly realizes it. Don't make your life a shrine to him or men like him, you're worth much much more than that, even when you find it hard to believe. You're lovable, and some guy is going to discover that about you and be very, very happy because of it.

 

now, go sew up a voodoo doll of that jackass who dumped you and start slapping it around or poking it with needles. THAT'S the response he's earned, not you in a funk.

 

more hugs,

quank

[SoCalCatman72]

Yes you do have fight left. You have survived trauma that some people never recover from, and you are going to let a miserable excuse for a boy trump the challenges you have been able to overcome????

 

When I am sick and throwing up, I drink a 50/50 mix of orange juice and 7-Up. Helps to keep the fluids down and has vitamin C and Beta Keratine (sp?)

 

You will be happy again, I promise you that.

 

Hang in there, you have friends and you are loved.

[SUMMER 1969]

I am really trying here.. I turned my cell phone off since I don't want to talk to anyone but a few people still have my house number, and when they have been calling me today I just pushed them all away..

 

I just don't want to be around anyone.. I really don't.. I just want to stay home. I don't want to eat, I just can't..

 

This is so not normal how I am feeling.. I just think I am beyond help right now..

 

You all have been so kind by trying to help me.. And thank you for all the replies..

 

I am just not doing well, I am not doing any better then I was yesterday, Infact I am feeling worse..

 

Everytime I start to write a letter to my family and friends I have been coming into my computer room and venting to all of you..

 

How is it that this guy does not want me? What makes people so cold? Why is he doing this to me? What did I do that was so bad? I don't understand..

 

Why can't he love me? Why does he not care about me? Maybe if I had a reason I would understand a little more..

 

Does he think of me as trash? Is that it? Was I not good enough for him? Damn it, I hate all of this!

 

I hate myself, I hate life, I hate everything! Nothing is getting better for me, nothing! Everyday its something new, and new quest for me to take on, and I just can't! I have no more fight left! I am trying so hard right now, I really am..

 

No matter what I do, I just keep thinking of the garage..

 

I am so sorry, thank you all for trying to help me and for lisening to me..

[SoCalCatman72]

How is it that this guy does not want me? What makes people so cold? Why is he doing this to me? What did I do that was so bad? I don't understand..

 

Why can't he love me? Why does he not care about me? Maybe if I had a reason I would understand a little more..

 

Does he think of me as trash? Is that it? Was I not good enough for him? Damn it, I hate all of this!

 

Summer, you did nothing bad, except maybe love the wrong jerk too much.

 

He can't love you because he can't love anyone, not even himself. At this point in his life he is incapable of selfless love. He is wrapped up in his own lustful desires. You don't need a reason to understand why someone is selfish, heartless and hurtful.

 

You were and are too good for him.

 

You are not beyond help, but you will have to admit to yourself and accept that maybe right now, you need help.

 

Pick up the phone, talk to your Doctor, a counselor, your pastor or minister, a friend, a living breathing someone you can trust.

 

Keep coming in and venting on the computer. Don't write that letter, and put a lock on that dammed garage door or flush your car keys down the toilet. A locksmith can always make new keys, they can't make a new you if you hurt yourself. You have fight left, and you are stronger than you realize.

 

Keep talking through it, we are all here to listen, comfort as best we can and to pray for you.

 

You are precious and loved. You have friends.

[SUMMER 1969]

But he is so confident with himself.. He does not care what people think of him.. Really

 

He is and always has been wrapped up with himself..

 

He told me that he wants to get married and have kids just not with me! Do you know how I felt when he told me that?

 

How can he not want me? I just don't understand..

 

He is just able to walk away from me and throw me away like I am worthless..

 

He has no idea how bad I am feeling right now, he has no clue at all!

 

I want to talk to him so bad, but I will not call him.. I refuse..

 

I am so scared he is with some other girl..

 

How is it that I feel so lost and alone right now? How is it that I want to die and the world keeps moving? How can I get my life back? I just can't! I have lost all kind of hope...

 

I feel like damaged goods.

[quankanne]

I am just not doing well, I am not doing any better then I was yesterday, Infact I am feeling worse.

 

Please – let your doctor know how you are responding to your meds. I know they're not meant to be a cure-all, but I'm thinking that some of your symptoms would have been alleviated and you'd start coming up for air again, not sinking further in a funk.

 

Everytime I start to write a letter to my family and friends I have been coming into my computer room and venting to all of you.

 

good – this is the whole purpose of LoveShack, to provide outreach from a community of support. Vent away until you start feeling differently about the whole situation. But still, call your doctor, okay?

 

How is it that this guy does not want me? What makes people so cold? Why is he doing this to me? What did I do that was so bad? I don't understand … Why can't he love me? Why does he not care about me? Maybe if I had a reason I would understand a little more. Does he think of me as trash? Is that it? Was I not good enough for him? Damn it, I hate all of this!

 

yes, it truly sucks that someone can be so cold-hearted when we've given them the best of ourselves. But the problem isn't you, it's him. He's wired differently; he's content to be cruel because it fits his lifestyle, and I imagine that he's treated many other peoople like they were disposable.

 

it's not that you were never good enough for him, but in a whole other league from the kind of rat-bastard he is. Chances are, no one is going to meet his needs unless he sees the light. From the sound of it though, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that kind of person to change, simply because he doesn't see what he's doing as wrong.

 

so don't ever kick yourself to the curb just because someone like him has ... I know you've loved him, but that doesn't make him any less of the rat-bastard that he is.

[quankanne]

How can he not want me?

 

I think you know the answer, you've posted it just now: "He is and always has been wrapped up with himself." This kind of person just doesn't have the capacity to reciprocate love when it's offered freely, and pretty much just uses people for his own devices. It's nothing personal, it's just how he operates.

 

something maybe you can try, since this seems to be killing you inside that you can't ask him directly: Write a letter and pour out your feelings about your relationship and how you feel about being treated the way you have. Put it all down – the hurt, the anger, the sadness, everything. When you're done, seal it up and put it away. Keep doing this until you've gotten all those feelings out into the open. He may never see those letters, but you'll be exorcising his demon by writing your heart out. ( I do this when I get really, really ticked at my husband but don't trust myself to not say hurtful things to him, and it's been a good cathartic tool.)

[SoCalCatman72]

There's true confidence and false bravado. IF he were truly confident with himself, he would never have allowed himself to hurt you so badly and so deeply. A truly confident man would explain gently why it wasn't going to work, and try to let you down as easily as possible. A truly confident man doesn't need to crush someone else to make themselves feel better.

 

Not caring what people think of oneself is not confidence, that's called anti-social behavior. Confidence IMO is someone who cares about what people they care about think of them, yet also knows that people are flawed humans with differing opinions, and a confident person has a high sense of self worth. People who are confident don't need to tear others down to make themselves feel better. I don't think he's as confident as you think he is. Confident people are not constantly wrapped up in themselves, because they are confident of their own value. Confident people are out there trying to make a difference in the world.

 

Yes, I know how you felt when he told you that he wants to get married and have children, but not with you, and I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that he knows quite well how you felt when he said that. That's such a stupid INSECURE thing to say, and probably one of the most hurtful things you can say to someone who truly has deep feelings for you. The translation of his comment is something like this

 

*I know that you love me and want to have a family and live happily ever after with me, but I am a selfish hurtful person, and though I am not in any way mentally, emotionally or intellectually equipped to raise a family or commit to a loving lifelong relationship, I'm going to say that I am so you think that there must be something wrong with you. Furthermore, I know that your greatest desire is to be with me and have a family, so therefore I am going to take that dream of yours and squash it in front of you so that I feel like a big man.*

 

He's able to walk away, because deep in his tiny black heart, he knows that he is the one that is worthless.

 

Who cares if he is with some other girl? I would feel sorry for the girl. If he has done this to you so callously, what kind of abusive relationship do you think she is in for?

 

Damaged goods???? NO WAY! You have so much to offer the right man. There are men who would give anything to be the recipient of so much thought, love, and self-sacrifice.

 

You are so much better than he is, remember that. Yes you are hurting, but you are also learning and growing stronger. He is continuing to use people and is the same morally and emotionally weak person he was when he decided that your feelings were insignificant.

[SUMMER 1969]

So you think that he is just selfish and insuccure with himself so he does not care who he hurts, and he feels good about hurting others.. He has told me that he is sorry for hurting me and that he cares for me, just not on the level I do..

 

Wow, maybe you are all correct, he has always been very selfish and he only thinks of himself..

 

This guy turned his brother in for smoking pot! His brother got put in jail for that.. Kind of crazy in my eyes.

 

I am going to think about what you all have said.. Thank you

[SUMMER 1969]

Why do you think I stayed with someone like this? Do you think I thought that maybe I could change him?

 

I am so lost right now, I am having trouble thinking.. My head is like a storm right now..

[SoCalCatman72]

It's easy to say things. The hard part is backing up what you say with the courage of your convictions. I'm sure he is sorry for hurting you, but is he sorrowful for causing you so much pain? I doubt it.

 

Turned his brother in for smoking pot?????? Wow sounds like some really deep insecurities and control issues there. What ever happened to asking them to stop, or trying to get them into rehab first? Sounds like a typical cop with control problems, he has to show everyone, even his own family that he can terrorize and control them because he represents 'the law'.

 

IMO This guy is going to end up facing a judge someday, and not as a prosecution witness.

 

It doesn't matter why you stayed with him, what matters now is what you do with your life from this moment forward.

 

Stay strong, it sounds like you are feeling a little bit better. You deserve so much more out of life and love, so go out there and get it.

[bluetuesday]

summer - you are probably not going to like what i am about to say but i am going to say it anyway because you need to hear it.

 

let me get this straight. you are seriously thinking about ending your life because some piece of trash guy you're much better off without didn't want to be with you. am i reading this right? life has thrown you a break by getting you out of this destructive relationship, and you're so wrapped up in yourself you can't see that?

 

step back for a minute. no one is hurting you. no one is making you feel bad. you are allowing yourself to feel the way you feel right now. i know it sucks when someone treats you bad, but the person who is treating you worst of all is YOU.

 

you ask where god is and why he doesn't help you out - well, he IS helping you out. this man is now out of your life. who the hell cares if he's seeing someone else and making them miserable too? he only has the power to upset you while you allow it. NO ONE can hurt you without your authority. remember that.

 

this guy treated you badly is because YOU LET HIM. that is the whole story. i realise you are depressed and can't see this for yourself. but i am not depressed and i can see it very clearly indeed. in three months you will see this from a whole new perspective. hurt doesn't last for ever. you have issues with self esteem you need help for. but they are not permanent problems. they are pretty easy to fix. they are infinitely easier than suicide to fix.

 

right now you are so emotionally unstable you genuinely wish for death and can't cope when life throws something GOOD your way. the problem is NOT life, it is how you respond to life. therefore what needs to be fixed is NOT life (ie, the removal of it) it is how you respond to life.

 

and because you brought it up, let me tell you that you won't be going to heaven if you kill yourself. and here's why. killing yourself is an act of desperation. and desperate people don't actually believe in god. they may say they do, but they don't really. if you believed in god you would know that

a. god doesn't do bad things to people

b. god can fix anything.

 

suicide is the thought that god can't fix anything, in action. it's shows a complete lack of faith in god. if you have a complete lack of faith, that's fine. but don't expect a reward in heaven for it.

 

you have every chance of sorting out your so-called problems here on earth. because they're all in your head. you're not starving to death. you don't have a violent husband who beats you black and blue. you don't have a dying child.

 

so what, some useless guy dumped you. we've all been there. it's time to stop wallowing in self pity and get over it. instead of thinking about him all the time, start thinking how LUCKY you are to be away from him, how LUCKY you are to be a healthy young woman with endless possibilities ahead of you, and how LUCKY you are to have people at the shack who DO care what happens to you.

[SUMMER 1969]

I know and understand what you are saying about feeling lucky that this guy dumped me.. For a few good reasons, but most of all that he is not worth it..

 

I can say all the right things, but I don't feel that way in my heart at this time..

 

All's I can say to you is that he is not the Only reason I want to die.. Its one thing after another with me and I am so sick of it..

 

For example, I have been through so much crap in my life, its like every day is work.. I try and try to make the best of things, I put on a act for everyone to think I am so happy..

 

In reality, I am lost.. I feel like I am worthless, and everyday just seems to get worse..

 

The guy I was dating is just the topping of the cake here..

 

I am sick of acting like I am happy, I am sick of always trying to help my friends and family out and everyone just thinks I have it made, since I have a lot of material things..

 

I would give up everything for just One person to love me.. I know that my family and friends do care about me, but I want/need more..

 

I want the fairy tale, I want a man to want me as much as I want him.. That has never happened to me...

[SoCalCatman72]

Summer,

 

I know all too well the feeling being caught in a cruel world that always seems to be heaping unfair burdens upon our shoulders. I too have experienced the feeling many times that it's just one thing after another, and the worst part is that even when things are going well for me, sometimes my mind just shuts down and leaves me in the dumps, feeling as sad and hopeless as you feel now.....but for no reason.

 

One person does love you wholeheartedly and unconditionally. God is looking out for you, and He wants you to love him and put your faith in His will.

 

I too know about wanting the fairy tale, I am the type of person who used to put his whole life into relationships, thinking that they would define me and give me purpose. I wanted someone who wanted me as much as I thought I wanted them. I found someone who made me their whole world, and I married her, although I wasn't in love with her. It was a huge mistake.

 

You have to love yourself first, as much as you want someone else to love you, before you can allow yourself to be loved by another. You will be alone sometimes, you will be lonely sometimes. That's just the way life is unfortunately.

 

Have faith, if not faith in God, then faith in yourself.....faith of the heart.

 

 

Be well, be strong, be yourself.

[Buttaflyy]

I know and understand what you are saying about feeling lucky that this guy dumped me.. For a few good reasons, but most of all that he is not worth it..

 

I can say all the right things, but I don't feel that way in my heart at this time..

 

All's I can say to you is that he is not the Only reason I want to die.. Its one thing after another with me and I am so sick of it..

 

For example, I have been through so much crap in my life, its like every day is work.. I try and try to make the best of things, I put on a act for everyone to think I am so happy..

 

In reality, I am lost.. I feel like I am worthless, and everyday just seems to get worse..

 

The guy I was dating is just the topping of the cake here..

 

I am sick of acting like I am happy, I am sick of always trying to help my friends and family out and everyone just thinks I have it made, since I have a lot of material things..

 

I would give up everything for just One person to love me.. I know that my family and friends do care about me, but I want/need more..

 

I want the fairy tale, I want a man to want me as much as I want him.. That has never happened to me...

 

Hi Summer,

 

I want you to know that I and many other people have been where you are. Where you don't think you will ever come out of your funk, never see the sun again and sincerely you don't want to. Boy, have I been there. But, I can tell you, I did move on, breathe again, and love again. I remember the time when I just could not imagine it. Now, I don't understand it. How I loved someone so deeply who didn't deserve my love, who didn't return it to me. I can't believe I was feeling the way that I was. For that I am thankful. For that I know that there is a GOD, and as (I think it was bluetuesday) said, GOD does work, and is the only who can do anything. He's removed that person from my life. HEwas looking out for me, when I couldn't see past anything but the love I had for this undeserving man, and the pain he was causing me to be with him. I couldn't understand that and begged GOD to bring him back. Now, I am so thankful. Thankful to GOD for working on me the way that HE did. He's working on you right now. Please give him a chance. GOD knows you better than any of us. HE know your strength in all that you have overcome, and all that you will. HE loves you, even more than you are showing love toward yourself right now. Pray for the right things when you talk to GOD. If you ask, he'll bring the man before you who deserves you. You are a caring woman. You are a loving woman, and deserve the same in return. Take care of yourself. I know it's hard right now. Please keep coming back here. Know that it's ok to be selfish right now. You say that you are the one usually dealing with other ppls problems. Can you call someone to be with you even to listen? Please, come back here to LS. You have really touched my heart. I see so much of you in me, and I know exactly what your feeling right now.

 

BTW, the a$$ who had made me so miserable is now really messed up in life. That's how GOD works. I sometimes take a moment to thank HIM for removing the jerk from my presence.

[SUMMER 1969]

I know a lot of you know how I am feeling, maybe thats why I decided to come back on to this website..

 

Tonight I went out, I went out with a few friends, I thought maybe that would help me.. It just did not.. I put on a front that everything in my life is going good..

 

I do have people I can talk to if I want, but I would really rather not.. I don't want people to know how and why I am feeling this way.. I don't want there pitty..

 

I am usaully a very stong willed woman, and I have no stregth in me anymore..

 

I know people get hurt everyday, and I know people just feel lost.. but I just want to give up, I really do..

 

I know that I should be happy about this breakup, but the fact is.. I am not! I know he is happy and is able to eat food and go to the gym, etc.. While I am sitting home crying, he is out having a good time, probable checking out other woman..

 

I really hope that he has a change in heart, but I know I am fooling myself.. He will only care about himself.. I feel sorry for the next girl that comes into his life.. I really do, I know he will only do the same thing to her..He used me and then threw me away.. I have to admitt, I really think I fell in love with him, jerk or not, I did.. My heart feels like it is in my stomach..

 

I am just so sad! If I could sleep 24 hours a day I think I would be heaven..

 

I am trying so hard to pick myself up, and all of you have been so much help.. Thank you

 

I wish there was a loveshack place to meet all of the broken hearted.. I don't know why, but misery likes company.. You know?

 

Do you think I will ever be normal again? Do you think I am really better off living? I am sitting here thinking about what I have to live for.. I can honestly say, I have a dog, a cat, a house, a car, and material things, I have a lot of friends, but for some reason.. it just does not seem enough..

 

I am really not that close with my family, after all, my grandma's brother raped me, the rest of my family are all messed up..

 

I mean thats another thing, if you have ever been raped you will understand what I am saying here.. But I always feel so dirty.. I have so many flash backs of what happed to me.. I just feel like a waste of flesh..

 

I am sure there are a lot of good people in this world, but for some reason, God has yet to interduce to me to them..

 

I feel like God does not like me, I have ALWAYS had the worse of luck, trust me on that.. One day I was driving and got a flat tire, barrowed a friends car the same day, got a flat tire in his car, barrowed another car from a different friend, got a flat tire.. Trust me, I can tell you a million and One stories about me and bad luck..

 

I am really trying here, I am trying so hard to keep my head above the water.. I really am.. I just feel useless right now..

 

You are all giving me great advise and answers and thank you all so much..

[garnet]

Hi Summer,

 

I just had to respond to your post...I understand where you are coming from because I have been where you are. I was raped in the past too and I understand the lasting effects of what it can do to your self worth.

 

I remember responding to your posts earlier and begging you to walk away. I think some part of you knew it was doomed, and maybe part of you is angry at yourself for dragging it out when part of you knew you were being walked on. I only say that because I did the EXACT same thing 8 months ago. It's hard on the ego.

 

It's hard to see this now, but what you need to do is USE this experience toward change. Make the decision, as I did, to never let this happen to you again. Demand better for yourself. When we refuse to accept nothing but the best for ourselves, we very often get it. And likewise, if we're willing to accept less than that, we get that too.

 

You have to find the strength within yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve, but you have to stand up. That is the place where your healing will come from...in the act of doing that. A few months after I got dumped by a selfish, lying narcissist (who was the first person I trusted to sleep with in a long, long time because of my past, so I was DEVASTATED) I decided to start my own company. It's been my life dream to do what I'm now doing, and things are falling into place with that like I never imagined. If I had still been in that life-sucking relationship, I would never have had the energy to do this. It feels great, and by putting my energy into this, I don't have time to grieve. It's not that I never do, I still fight the pain sometimes. But after awhile it becomes dead weight that you need to let go of.

 

A few months ago, the ex tried to re-enter my life as "friends" (right after he broke up with the woman he left me for). I turned him down. It was so hard...in fact it's still hard, every day. But I know I wouldn't be able to respect myself after the way he treated me.

 

And if it's any consolation, I am older than you, never been married and have no kids. I'm considered attractive, smart, fun, etc...I've had lots of relationships, but I just haven't met the right person yet. And I have plenty of other friends who are in the same boat. What are we supposed to do, just assume the role of spinsters and give up? I'm not, because I have a life to live and a difference to make in this world. If you tell yourself that you are damaged goods and all washed up, that is exactly the way people will perceive you. And I am absolutely positive that that is not the case.

 

Dust yourself off, Summer. You're better than this and you'll make it through this. I hope this helps is some way and I wish you the best.