Touche Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 That's all well and good and I'm happy for you. But what is going to change in the future? Are the phone calls still going to go on but you are just going to try to not let them get to you? I'm not hearing that there willl be a change here.
norajane Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 That's all well and good and I'm happy for you. But what is going to change in the future? Are the phone calls still going to go on but you are just going to try to not let them get to you? I'm not hearing that there willl be a change here. Agreed. It's a good start to air your feelings. Follow this discussion up with some specific plans on what he will do/not do when she calls at work, when she calls at home, when she calls at certain times, time limits on each call. Discuss specific issues that bother you, like his driving to deliver the support checks and how to resolve them. Find out what they continue to argue about and discuss how to resolve those issues.
Touche Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Right, exactly. You need to be very specific in stating your expectations. Just saying you want respect isn't good enough. That's just too general. His interpretation of what that entails and yours may be vastly different. One thing I remember I had asked for is for my husband to let me know when his ex called him at work. I wanted to know when she called and the reason why. I felt disrespected when I'd find out much later about her calling him at the office. And I hated hearing from her about whole conversations they'd had. Maybe that's stupid and insecure on my part but it really bothered me. Anyway, he did as I asked. I laugh it now because here we are 12 years later almost and he STILL tells me when she calls (which is once in a blue moon.) At this point, it no longer bothers me. I feel more secure I guess now, than I did then. And as I've mentioned, the ex and I are friends now but it's cute that he still tells me. But the point of all of this is I'm afraid that this will all come back to bug you again if you don't really get specific about what changes you need. I don't see how you can just tell yourself that you're not going to let it bug you anymore and that you'll remind yourself how much you love each other. Unfortunately, love just isn't always enough.
mental_traveller Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Tell him to call her and permanently break contact, and if he ever speaks to her again, you are out of there. If he says yes, there's no problem. If he says no, you dump him and don't look back. Either way, you'll never have that ex interfere in your life again.
Author almostthere Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 Mental traveller....normally I would take that approach but he has 3 children with her...so unfortunately this is not an option. If he talked to an ex this much without any ties (so to speak) i would never be posting anything about him. We started mailing out the checks to her about 4 - 6 weeks ago. He no longer makes any special trips for her. I sent her a text message from his phone politely saying please only use my personal cell from now on. Thank you. He said he did but i wanted to make sure (plus i was a little tipsy that night when i did it. We had a few friends over because we didnt have any kids home about 4 weeks ago). He agreed that the easiest way to tell her not to call his work cell is just not to answer it. If he doesnt answer his work cell we have noticed she immediately calls it again then without his answer she calls his personal cell. We also decided that when she called throughout the week he would let it go into his vm and he would check the messages. He has already asked her to leave a detailed message (he called her infront of me) and if and only if it involved the kids and was important he would call her back. We started about 2 weeks ago with him telling me everytime she called. I was sick for the past two weeks and waking up coughing in the middle of the night. Unfortunately i would check his phone to see if she called and how often. The past week she has only called on saturday and sunday because this was our weekend with the kids. I hate checking up on him and i have never done it to anyone before but if he is wanting to take this relationship anymore serious then it is already I want to know i am not going to be blindsided. He always comes straight home from work. His guys nights out (as few as they are) he wont go if i cant come with too. He really doesnt leave me questioning where he is or anything. I got tickets to a football game for him and his friend. He asked me to go instead. I dont really hang out with my friends anymore either. But with college and working fulltime plus my kids I want to spend my extra time with him. And he feels the same way. i know it will change, at least a little, but i want to be secure when it does. I trust him not to cheat. I believe he never has. I know his exwife just said that because she wanted him back. She has caused property damage and other things to happen. She is vindictive. So thats where we are. We also talked about his kids and i said that when we have them we need to set more ground rules when all the kids are together. they get into a lot of things (all 5) they shouldnt. I also said since his exwife isnt really being responsible that we need to teach them the best we can while we have them. And we need to provide a stable "family home" when they are there because they dont get that at home either. All of this is according to his sister (her best friend) and his children and what we see when they are over. last Sunday, after being out of town for 2 consecutive weeks without the kids, she wasnt even home for them when we dropped them off. She had someone else there to babysit. she was at her boyfriends house. He lives and hour (at least) away and at 8:20pm she still didnt know what she was going to do about the kids that night. they have school and we told her the plans throughout the week and it was our weekend so it wasnt like she couldnt plan ahead of time. I dont know...she is just so irresponsible. So thats what has been decided so far. now i have to take into consideration when he tells me she calls to keep a mental note on how often so i dont get all mad if it comes down to once a week. Touche...maybe you can relate to this...if she wouldnt have acted this way in the beginning i wouldnt have had any problems with her. I have dated at least 4 guys with x's and kids and i have never doubted them or checked up on them because this mess didnt exist.
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