Is there more then one perfect person for you?

[almostthere]

I am currently in a situation I am uneasy about. I love my bf and cant imagine how I would feel if i let him go. The problem is is that his exw is demanding and calls all the time. he has 3 children who as sweet as they can be are a huge handful. their mom doesnt teach them well.

 

between his exw and his 3 children i cannot take it anymore. we are supposed to all go to FL in June. My 2 kids, his 3 and my bf and me. I am going to fake that i cant afford it sending just him and his three kids because i know i cannot take 4 days in the same small room with them. I feel horrible but they are so unruly.

 

His exw and him argued about how bad she wanted him back for the first 6 months of our relationship and i had to be there for almost every phone call. and he asked me to be quiet in the background while they talked so she didnt know i was there. like an idiot i did. just since July she stopped doing this. he would never ignore her calls even after he found out why she was calling. now shes moving in with this new bf next month and they are getting married so all should be well. then why does she call almost 4 to 5 days a week?

 

I just think it would be less stressful to be with someone else. even though i think he may be my soul mate. does this make any sense?

[superconductor]

Fewer things have done more damage to people than the concept of a "soul mate."

 

Here's a quick reality check for you:

 

There is no such thing as a soul mate.

 

I'll repeat that, to help it stick:

 

There is no such thing as a soul mate.

 

Get it? Good.

 

Now go live your life.

[DeeBrod83]

I agree with Super, but I still use the term to describe someone who is a 'life match'. And I once heard a study that said there's 7 soulmates for each person. But I've also heard that you could live happily with one out of every 50 people.... so who the heck knows!

As for your situation Almostthere, I'd say if you can't handle it, get out. You can't fix it. And if you don't feel like your b/f can or will fix it, you need to think about yourself and your kids.

[UnknowingOW]

DB if there is a possible 7, then I've wasted 4...where are the other 3? :lmao:

[DeeBrod83]

East Asia?? Who knows!

[almostthere]

i am the last person who believes in soul mates. I was using the term loosely to describe how well we interact.

 

I dont believe in fate i believe in chance and just being somewhere at the right time. but whos to say at that same time you could have been at a different outing and met someone else you clicked with.

 

My exh killed my thoughts on soul mates when we were young (16). not to mention i have been through too much and dating way too many people to think that there could ever be just one and only one.

[norajane]

I've dated many people that I could have potentially been relatively happy with in the long run. They were all appealing and attractive in their own way, although those ways may have been very different from each other. Every relationship is different.

 

There are lots of people out there that we can enjoy and appreciate and fall in love with. Some of them are better matches for us than others, but not a one of them is 'perfect' for us. There are pluses and minuses and comprises with all of them. Determining who you end up with is a matter of finding a good balance of pluses and minuses.

 

almostthere, you've posted many times about the issues with your bf and his ex wife and how miserable you are about it, and you've never posted why you think he's so wonderful that you continue to stay with him and put up with all his minuses.

[Guest]

there is no such thing as a perfect person for you. There are people who are better matches in certain areas of your life, at certain times in your life...but soulmate is a strong word. If you want to call it a soulmate...everyone has more than one.

 

My first soulmate was perfect for me from 20 - 26. My second was perfect for me when I was 29 - 31. I've dated a lot in between, but no other soulmates. Now I'm with a guy who's perfect for me and hopefully we'll grow together, and not grow apart one day. I loved all 3 guys dearly. My 29 - 31 would not have been a good match for me when I was 20 - 26...My 29 - 31 wouldn't have been a good match for me now. Just enjoy and take something great and wonderful from every relationship you are involved in.

[almostthere]

Well...there are many things but i guess it just comes down to one simple point to me...

 

why do i always have to be the one to point out what is respectful and what isnt?

 

i wish sometimes he didnt move in with me because i think i need a little time away. i think i need to have room to think if this is what i need in my life. if i constantly want to deal with all the phone calls and the insecurity i have. i guess somewhere deep down i dont trust him. i have never been jealous. i have never searched anyones things. why am i doing it now? i just check his phone but still. maybe its a gut feeling. maybe its just me trying to find a reason to leave. i dont really know.

 

here are some good things. he cooks me breakfast every sunday morning. he cuddles me and tells me he loves me. i actually feel that we are making love instead of just having sex. we laugh a lot and play a lot. when i am studying he prepares me lunch or dinner sometimes both. he helps out with my kids a little (i am hoping he will get a little more involved. i want to start family night. i thik he thinks its stupid although he didnt say that). he thanks me for dinner every night i cook. he seems to really be in love with me. theres a few. we just a quick argument so i am not all about talking about him right now.

[norajane]

the insecurity i have. i guess somewhere deep down i dont trust him.

 

For all his pluses, this is a pretty big minus. Trust is one of the primary foundations of a good relationship. Without it, all the "I love you's" aren't believable to you, deep down. How can you believe in his love and commitment to you if you don't trust him? Lack of trust guarantees insecurtiy in a relationship.

[almostthere]

i just feel stupid sometimes for not trusting him. why cant i just forget the fact that he did that to me? why cant i forgive him for arguing with his exw 3 hours a day everyday for the first 6-8 months of our relationship? i just cannot get past it and now everytime she calls my stomach just gets all upset. and she is still calling 4-5 times a week but i dont know why because it is while my bf is at work so i dont know anything about it.

 

i have tried to tell myself its in the past and let it go. even though she was begging for him to come back he still chose me. but it doesnt work. it doesnt ease the disrespect he showed me. and furthermore it doesnt help that he cannot give me and answers or reasons why he felt compelled to answer the phone and argue with her and listen to her beg for him back. wouldnt you only do that if you still had feelings? or if you gained something from it?

 

I just dont know. i just feel so childish. i am above jealousy and anger. i have never held a grudge.

 

any suggestions on how to let it go? trying not to think about it anymore isnt working. asking him why and arguing about it isnt working. just shutting up and forgiving him isnt working. whats left?

[norajane]

any suggestions on how to let it go? trying not to think about it anymore isnt working. asking him why and arguing about it isnt working. just shutting up and forgiving him isnt working. whats left?

 

Leaving him.

[almostthere]

yeah...thats what i narrowed it down to too. Leaving him or just getting over it. tough choice. i really just wish i could just forget about it. whats done is done. i dont know. thanks for the advice

[Touche]

i just feel stupid sometimes for not trusting him. why cant i just forget the fact that he did that to me? why cant i forgive him for arguing with his exw 3 hours a day everyday for the first 6-8 months of our relationship? i just cannot get past it and now everytime she calls my stomach just gets all upset. and she is still calling 4-5 times a week but i dont know why because it is while my bf is at work so i dont know anything about it.

 

i have tried to tell myself its in the past and let it go. even though she was begging for him to come back he still chose me. but it doesnt work. it doesnt ease the disrespect he showed me. and furthermore it doesnt help that he cannot give me and answers or reasons why he felt compelled to answer the phone and argue with her and listen to her beg for him back. wouldnt you only do that if you still had feelings? or if you gained something from it?

I just dont know. i just feel so childish. i am above jealousy and anger. i have never held a grudge.

 

any suggestions on how to let it go? trying not to think about it anymore isnt working. asking him why and arguing about it isnt working. just shutting up and forgiving him isnt working. whats left?

 

I've been in your shoes and boy is it tough. I really feel for you. I stuck it out and have been with my husband for almost 12 years now but in the beginning it was very similar to your story. It really resonated with me.

 

I don't know what to tell you to do but I did want to address the above in bold: I used to ask my H this all the time...why? Why take the calls? Why get roped into all her drama? Why? The bottom line for him was he felt that he DID indeed have something to gain: His child.

 

I think there's always the fear that they will lose custody and that the ex will get so vindictive that she'll use the child as a pawn and make it difficult for the father to see the children. This was the reason for my husband's putting up with it.

 

I did finally put my foot down. I told him and made him see, that there was NO way that she was going to do that. That he did NOT have to put up with it and that she was bullying him. We all know that when you stand up to a bully, they back down, right? Well, he finally did. And she backed down. He still took her calls but he drastically cut down on the time he spent on the phone with her. He was curt, brief and all business. If the calls came in during crazy times, he didn't answer at all.

 

Good luck to you. It's a TOUGH, road to go down and even though, I succesfully travelled down it myself, I really don't recommend it. The odds of success are kind of slim. I don't want to discourage you by saying that, by I do want you to be realistic. Be prepared for years of this before it gets better.

 

Believe it or not the ex is one of my best friends now.

 

If I can help in any way, let me know. I know what it's like. Good luck and hang in there!

[Touche]

If I may add something. I just saw the other posts while I was posting. In my case I didn't accept that I can either leave or accept it. I decided to fight it and see what happened. Well I won! Maybe you can too.

[almostthere]

Thanks for posting Touche. Its just been a horrible disrespectful time with him. I mean he was laid off last xmas and i spent $800 collectively just on his kids so they had a Christmas. I never had any intention of asking for the money back and i never have. but on xmas day she was so torn up about being apart and me being at his house with him and his kids that they argued for 3 hours infront of me over the phone. how rude is that? right after the last present was opened she called and for the next 3 hours I spent listening to that, being upset and cleaning the mess and putting toys together. how rude is that? not to mention he spent the night with me and then woke up early and drove to her house so they could open presents as a family. presents only she had bought. that hurt alittle too.

 

blah blah blah....i could go on and on.

 

we are past the point of ever being friends (the x and i). too much pain has been caused. she once yelled to me through the window they slept together while him and i were dating. its just not possible to be friends with this woman. nor would i want to.

 

So touche...could you answer a few questions for me?

 

1. i have no right to try to talk one on one with her...correct? I just want to set things straight and try to move past our differences.

 

2. i fight for respect all the time. at first nice but not anymore. all it does is make him mad. now what?

 

3. i understand about the kid thing. but i showed him proof she couldnt withhold visitation. he has no excuse after that. so then why?

 

4. how did you move past it?

 

and finally...because i am not his wife i have been told i dont have the same priviledges. so in other words its not my place to say anyting about it. but for college purposes i cannot marry this guy for another 7 years. does that mean for 7 more years i have to take it up the *ss.

 

sorry to ask so much...its just i am searching for anything right now.

[Touche]

1. i have no right to try to talk one on one with her...correct? I just want to set things straight and try to move past our differences.

 

WRONG! This was one area where my husband and I totally disagreed. He FORBADE me from talking to her. I told him that sorry, but the ONLY way this was going to get better was for me to talk to her one on one, woman to woman in a non-confrontational way. The thing is though we were either already engaged or married by that time..can't remember which now. If you're the g/f only (not to minimize your importance) it just doesn't carry the same weight and credibility if you understand what I'm saying. So not sure what to tell you there except you have NOTHING to lose by talking to her anyway. Tell her that you're on the same side and that you want the best for her kids and that you're not trying to be their mother. ASK her what you can do to make things easier between her and your b/f. She'll appreciate the respect you're giving her. And don't think you can't ever be friends because I GUARANTEE you that my H's ex was just as bad if not worse than your b/f's ex. I said the SAME thing you did.

 

2. i fight for respect all the time. at first nice but not anymore. all it does is make him mad. now what?

 

Ok, that's not working. You have to start to take ACTION then. You've got to get really aggressive. The thing is, you have to mentally prepare yourself for the fact that this may just have to end. This is where the "fight" comes in. Tell him that you can no longer accept the lengths of these calls and that it's disrespectful to you. Did you say he's living in your place? Then I would tell him that these long calls need to stop or else he will have to find another place to live. Tell him you deserve and expect better than this and that no one who has ANY self-respect will put up with it. Explain to him that his ex will have more respect for him too if he doesn't engage in all this drama and is all business on the phone. Also, the conversations need to be restricted to matters that concern the kids ONLY. If it's about anything else, this is not acceptable to you. You need to tell him that you're serious about this and tell him the changes need to go into effect starting right NOW.

 

I'd tell him you love him and want to work things out with him but you're no longer going to give more than you're getting from him. And that's it. Be prepared though to back it up and LEAVE or ask him to leave if he doesn't take action. In my case, it worked. He didn't want to lose me. If yours is willing to lose you then you might as well find out now, right?

 

3. i understand about the kid thing. but i showed him proof she couldnt withhold visitation. he has no excuse after that. so then why?

 

I don't know why. He's still emotionally connected to her perhaps. If that's so, then you don't want to be with anyone who is still emotionally attached to their ex. Might as well find that out now too. He needs to sh**t or get off the pot now and start treating you right. And by the way, when you talk to him, be VERY firm. I sense a little bit of wimpiness in some of your statements (sorry, don't mean to offend..I was a wimp once myself so I know.) " Fake it until you make" it as they say. Make your voice be very no-nonsense. Convince him that you're serious about these changes you expect or you WILL end the relationship. And yes, there IS more than one person in the world that we can be happy with. There really is.

 

4. how did you move past it?

 

I moved past it, by doing exactly what I described. My husband was mad at first when he found out I was talking directly to his ex but since then, he's admitted it was the right thing to do. I was completely prepared to walk if this didn't work out. But I really didn't want to do that without at least trying to make things work.

 

And the problems weren't only with the ex. I also had a problem with how he was raising his son. But that's a whole other issue...sounds like you might have that issue as well.

 

and finally...because i am not his wife i have been told i dont have the same priviledges. so in other words its not my place to say anyting about it. but for college purposes i cannot marry this guy for another 7 years. does that mean for 7 more years i have to take it up the *ss.

 

Well, I addressed this above before I read this. This might be a tough one. Can you at least have "fiancee status"? Are you ever planning on getting married? And NO, you don't have to take anything us the *ss as you put it. It's up to YOU whether you wimp out and accept this nonsense, try for a change or walk. At the very least, I wouldn't live with him anymore if this doesn't change.

 

sorry to ask so much...its just i am searching for anything right now.

 

It's ok..I'd be happy to know that someone can maybe benefit for what was one of the hardest times in my life. Let me know if you need any more help with this. And let us know how this goes. Do you think you can do it?

[Spinderella]

I just wanted to say, as I don't think anyone else has pointed this out, that him and his kids are a package, as much as you and your kids are. Therefore you need to be able to accept them enough to be able to go on holiday with them, unruly or not. You really can only work on your own issues and either accept or reject the other persons, usually when you work on yours, it injects a fresh positivity into the relationship. I would say not accepting his children is something that you need to overcome for the good of the relationship, nevermind your problems with him and his wife. Not saying this harshly in any way, just pointing out something important.

[almostthere]

Thanks so much. I was thinking about sitting down with him tomorrow night to talk thats what prompted all these posts. That and she called 3 times yesterday. I am just at the point where i cannot take it anymore. I never contacted her before when all this was really bad because when i told my bf i had written a letter he said great...you get to feel better and i get the headache. which i thought was unfair considering i already went through 7 months of them disrespecting me. I am also very aware now that if we did marry I dont get any inlaws. Their alliance is with her. She and her new bf/fiance are invited to all of his sides gatherings. may i remind you she cheated on him and his family still loves her?? seems strange. so i refuse to go there when she is there. i did it once to prove i am not afraid or intimidated but now its about making a stand.

 

Touche your advice means a lot. it gives me hope. i know there is life without him...ive been divorced....but i am trying to make a life with him.

 

I'll post back here with anything that happens. Sure wish i could talk to him tonight while i am all fired up but i have an hour test to take and my kids have homework too.

 

And thanks to everyone who answered.

[Touche]

Thank you almostthere..glad I could be of some help. How long have you two been together? I don't know if you mentioned that. I guess the "in laws" are close to her since those kids are their grandchildren.

 

Anyway, you made me laugh! Most people would be THRILLED to not have any in laws! So look at the bright side!

 

And don't worry about what the b/f says. I'd still write the letter to the ex. He sounds just like my husband sounded back then but he ended up with NO headaches because we all worked it out.

 

It's funny because when she calls now, it's usually her and I who talk and not my husband.

 

Also, just wanted to say this...don't back out! Continue to go to those family functions. You were RIGHT to go and have a right to be there. Continue that. They will see that you can't be bullied and that you're a part of his life.

 

And it's probably best to NOT talk to him when you're "all fired up." Relax, digest it all and come to him when you're calm and totally in control. Be firm but understanding and let your love for him shine through.

 

Good luck, Almost! I'll check back on your progress.

[alphamale]

I just think it would be less stressful to be with someone else. even though i think he may be my soul mate. does this make any sense?

Jump ship, sister...

[Rooster_DAR]

I've dated many people that I could have potentially been relatively happy with in the long run. They were all appealing and attractive in their own way, although those ways may have been very different from each other. Every relationship is different.

 

There are lots of people out there that we can enjoy and appreciate and fall in love with. Some of them are better matches for us than others, but not a one of them is 'perfect' for us. There are pluses and minuses and comprises with all of them. Determining who you end up with is a matter of finding a good balance of pluses and minuses.

 

almostthere, you've posted many times about the issues with your bf and his ex wife and how miserable you are about it, and you've never posted why you think he's so wonderful that you continue to stay with him and put up with all his minuses.

 

These are great words of wisdom, and I could not have worded it any better.

 

Excellent!

[almostthere]

Well we met in April 2005 but because i was in a relationship we were strictly friends. Hanging out only for a little while after i was done with my bartending shift. Me and my bf had a huge fall out because i found out just how much he was lying to me and i cannot stand that!

 

After that things progressed and we started dating but still we were not physical in the least and 6 months after our friendship began we started to be a couple. Now we have been together for a year as of 9/4/06. So I have known him for a year and half but dated him for one year.

[Touche]

So what happened? Did you talk to him?

[almostthere]

My bf and I went out this weekend and had a very nice night of dinner and dancing. Towards the end of the evening when we got back home we decided to sit down and talk. It probably wasnt the best time because it was late and we had a few drinks but it was a very strong heart to heart and I basically just said everything I have been saying on here. The talk ended wtih both of us in tears. Not because we were mad or anything but because we both said some things about how we feel about each other (in great ways) that it got really emotional.

 

This is what i learned this weekend...

 

I adore and am completely inlove with this man. He is everything i am looking for and as we all do, he comes with a few quirks. Quirks that will change as they are doing already because they deal with his ex. We had just his kids this weekend (mine were visiting their dad's) and I was completely ashamed of myself. They were well behaved, quiet and polite. I think they (all 5) get over excited when we have them all together. But it was so nice to have the oppertunity to see them alone. I now know how they are with out my kids around. Shame on me. I feel horrible!! Now, this was the first time and it was only for 2 hours until we went to Chuck E CHeeses for his oldest daughters bday but I really misjudged them. There are still things I need to work on with them but they didnt act like they did when my kids are there too.

 

In listening to him talk he is and always has been completely commited to me. he doesnt have a reason for me on why he used to answer the phone to argue for hours with his ex. That may be fair. I know I used to to when i was newly dating after my divorce but i think that was because we were on again off again (my exh and me). He had a lot of great things to say about us and it was all heart felt.

 

This is what i think it comes down to now...

 

We are in love with each other and the feeling is only getting stonger as time is passing by. This is new to each of us because I got married when I was 19 because I got pregnant when I was 18. He got married when he was 21 because she stopped taking her b/c and causing them to get pregnant after 6 - 8 months of dating. He was not ready to get married but wanted to try to do the right thing. So here we are now together because we want to be together. There arent any circumstances that make us stay together. Basically this is the first time we have been in love. I mean we both loved our spouses but not in a way that warrants getting married and thinking it is going to last forever.

 

So all in all it went pretty good. I definately have a better idea of where i stand and i also have decided that from now on I have to remember he loves me. and thats truly the bottom line. And i asked to help me with it bu acting like we are a team and to remember who he needs to respect more (within reason of course). I think I just need to stop thinking about what happened in the past between us. And concentrate on things now. It happened...i cant change it. Now i need to move past it. He has apologized to me and I accepted it. Now i just need to look forward to the time we spend together and what is happening now. not then.