I am up on a pedestal. Just wanna get down, and go sit on the couch.

[Adunaphel]

Yes, I agree, fishtaco. Here's my situation and please tell me if you think I am dramatizing.

 

Thursday night, I spent on the phone with him. Friday night I spent it on the phone with him. Saturday day, I received 2-3 phone calls from him discussing our evening date. Saturday evening, I met his kids for the first time, and we all went to the movies. Sunday, was at his house by 2:00pm for his son's football game.

 

(pause to take breath)

 

Then, Sunday evening, met his mother and had dinner at *their* house (he lives with his mother). I didn't get home till Sunday night around 8:00. Then, I got a phone call shortly after I got home. Then, in the middle of it all I get daily emails.

 

On Monday, got another email telling me how much he cares for me and can't wait to see me again... AND that he MISSES me! Wha? Then, another phone call on Tuesday that lasted 2.5 hours. Couple more emails. Had one of his friends come into my work to check me out. Told him about it. Then, on Wednesday night, I got two phone calls from him telling me his son lost his bookbag. Then he called back stating that he would be a *little* late getting to my house.

 

(pause to take breath)

 

Then, he shows up and as we are folding laundry...I FREAK!! I just felt claustrophobic. I just wanted him to leave so I could sit my ass on the couch and scratch myself (yes, woman scratch themselves).

 

I didn't feel like being all nicey-nice. Smiling every five seconds at him, like he was doing to me. SMILE, SMILE, SMILE.

 

He told my son a joke everytime he would get one of his homework questions right. How sweet. I should hang on to this guy. Yes, I see potential here. He is also attractive...

 

But, SWEET, SWEET, SWEET! AAAHHHH...

 

I felt like it was a scene out of Little House on the Prairie.

 

I am not that sweet, and feel like I am faking it. Who acts that nice?! I even asked him if he is always that nice or is he just trying to impress me.

He said...no, unfortunately I am always nice like this. Really???

 

Sure, he is a great guy. We do have chemistry. Yes, the spark was there in the beginning...but, it is dying out fast!! What a shame. Am I a bad person addicted to drama? Do I have such severe intimacy issues that I am letting a good guy go for no apparent reason?

 

Should I learn to let this man just love me?

 

He even said that when I didn't email him back all day Wednesday, he got a bad feeling from it. Like, anxiety and my non-contact made him anxious.

 

:confused: :confused:

 

Wow, this puts things in a quite different perspective.

 

This does not sound at all like you being addicted to drama or having intimacy issues.

He is really rushing things - people (of both sexes) who are this eager can scare their dates away!

 

Some women *love* guys like him (I'm one of them) if they are already into them - but to someone who is still trying to decide if she likes him enough, or is unsure, all this enthusiasm would be offputting (in most cases).

 

You start to worry about him ("but what if i change my mind? I don't want to hurt him"), about your personal space and time, you start to wonder if he'll get tired of the relationship as quickly as he jumped into it...

 

Not that you necessarily have actual reasons to worry about. It could be just enthusiasm, or that he likes you a lot. But yet it is enough to worry you and to make you detach from him.

 

(I hear that this is what usually happens)

 

 

I love the advice you got from serial muse and norajane.

[luvtoto]

Yes, Norajane, I was playing a part in it. At first, Yes, I really liked that he was so open and willing to let me into his life so easily.

 

But, I do recall and you could even ask him (lol), that I've made the comment on many occasions, right off the bat, that things are just happening so fast! But, I still liked him then. He didn't get the hint. Was I hinting?

 

But, as you remember from my first postings...I said that an overwhelming feeling just came over me.

 

It was literally a 180 degree feeling. One minute, I liked him...Boom, next minute I just wanted to run.

 

So, I do feel bad for playing a part in how he is/was feeling.

 

But, he just killed it for me. I am sorry.

 

I went from enjoying our time together to feeling "the grossness". (Sorry for overusing that phrase. I just like it.)

 

When over at his house Sunday night, I didn't care for having his mom around the whole night. THE WHOLE NIGHT. When we ate dinner, she waited on us hand and foot, and brought her brownies out. Told us where we were all gonna sit. Made me feel like a child, and resented it a bit.

 

Well, the clock is ticking down...tomorrow he is probably gonna call, unless I've pissed him off already. Still not sure how I feel yet.

[Rooster_DAR]

Perhaps the earlier post is correct in that it is very hard to find the right balanced person. To find someone who is challenging and independant (but not stuckup and unavailable), caring and emotionally available (but not too loving or needy) seems to be very scarce at best. Can we honestly achieve this type of personality? Maybe, maybe not.

 

This also goes back to people setting their expectations too high, which seems to be a popular subject on this site these days. I know I set mine too high sometimes, that's for damn sure.

 

Okay, my brain is working to hard trying to figure this out, I'm outta here!

[luvtoto]

Okay, my brain is working to hard trying to figure this out, I'm outta here!

Thanks, Rooster. I enjoyed reading your posts.

 

Thanks everyone! I will keep you all updated.

[fishtaco]

Serial muse... I wasn't responding to your post specifically... sorry should have been more clear.

 

I was going with what woggle posted, plus some posters asked for guy's opinion on what they like, plus luvtoto posted in one of the earlier posts that she wants her man to play the "poker face" and give "mixed messages". Here's the quote below:

 

Also, treating a woman badly is NOT what I am condoning in this thread. I just want to get a few mixed messages from him, wanna get a poker face from him every now and then. So, he'll keep me guessing and add a little excitement. I, also, need him to have more of an independent side.

 

By drama that's what I mean -- throwing out these mind games when really one should be kicking back and enjoying the relationship (generally speaking, not specifically luvtoto's case).

 

Anyway, maybe lovtoto misrepresented herself earlier, because if I hear the above quote about actually wanting poker face and mixed messages, I'd be scared, hence my post about not wanting jedi mind tricks. But from her last post in response to me, it's obvious her man is moving way too fast.

 

For better or worse, I'm a proponent of "if it doesn't work, go find someone else". There are plenty of other guys out there, probably better match than him. If it doesn't work, go find someone else? Women tend to want to "change their man". I can tell you right now, percentage of success is very low. Maybe luvtoto needs a jedi master, maybe not, but she certainly needs a man that moves slower than this guy.

[norajane]

Yes, Norajane, I was playing a part in it. At first, Yes, I really liked that he was so open and willing to let me into his life so easily.

 

But, I do recall and you could even ask him (lol), that I've made the comment on many occasions, right off the bat, that things are just happening so fast! But, I still liked him then. He didn't get the hint. Was I hinting?

 

But, as you remember from my first postings...I said that an overwhelming feeling just came over me.

 

It was literally a 180 degree feeling. One minute, I liked him...Boom, next minute I just wanted to run.

 

So, I do feel bad for playing a part in how he is/was feeling.

 

But, he just killed it for me. I am sorry.

 

I went from enjoying our time together to feeling "the grossness". (Sorry for overusing that phrase. I just like it.)

 

When over at his house Sunday night, I didn't care for having his mom around the whole night. THE WHOLE NIGHT. When we ate dinner, she waited on us hand and foot, and brought her brownies out. Told us where we were all gonna sit. Made me feel like a child, and resented it a bit.

 

Well, the clock is ticking down...tomorrow he is probably gonna call, unless I've pissed him off already. Still not sure how I feel yet.

 

Well how about saying something like: Wow, I've just been so caught up in this whirlwind romance that I've been neglecting my friends, mother, sister, writing class, and xyz. How about we hold off on planning dinners with all your brothers and sisters until I get caught up?

 

And then start setting some boundaries with him as things come up: Sorry, on Tuesdays and Thursdays I have to do xyz, so why don't we get together on Friday?

 

Slow down the phone calls as well. If he asks or says he's feeling nervous, be honest and tell him you need time for your life, but reassure him that you still want to see him.

 

That's really all you can do unless you want to stop seeing him altogether, or unless you want to have big, long conversation about what you're feeling right now.

 

And consider, if he were to back off right now, or just stop calling you altogether, you might start to miss having him in your life...

[luvtoto]

Well how about saying something like: Wow, I've just been so caught up in this whirlwind romance that I've been neglecting my friends, mother, sister, writing class, and xyz. How about we hold off on planning dinners with all your brothers and sisters until I get caught up?

 

And then start setting some boundaries with him as things come up: Sorry, on Tuesdays and Thursdays I have to do xyz, so why don't we get together on Friday?

 

Slow down the phone calls as well. If he asks or says he's feeling nervous, be honest and tell him you need time for your life, but reassure him that you still want to see him.

 

That's really all you can do unless you want to stop seeing him altogether, or unless you want to have big, long conversation about what you're feeling right now.

 

And consider, if he were to back off right now, or just stop calling you altogether, you might start to miss having him in your life...

Very good advice, Norajane. I kinda already am setting boundaries. Told him on Thursday that we needed a break. Well, I needed a break. lol. He asked to call me on Thursday night to discuss how I felt on Wednesday night (laundry night). I told him that Saturday sounded better. haven't heard from him since. Feeling better now. Kinda starting to miss him...a little.

[alphamale]

women don't want to be treated badly... ok define badly...Actually I would like to hear what Alpha thinks badly is...

by the term "badly" what I mean is that women need to be treated subordinate to the man. The man must be the leader and dominate the woman. That is the true nature of the sexes and is the only way everyone can truly be happy.

[johan]

Well in that case.. Who would like to be dominated by me? Come on now, don't be shy! I'm ready to do some dominating. Women only, please.

[magichands]

Well in that case.. Who would like to be dominated by me? Come on now, don't be shy! I'm ready to do some dominating. Women only, please.

I assume you are firm, but fair? Can you elucidate your intentions?

[Rooster_DAR]

:confused: :confused:

 

Wow, this puts things in a quite different perspective.

 

This does not sound at all like you being addicted to drama or having intimacy issues.

He is really rushing things - people (of both sexes) who are this eager can scare their dates away!

 

Some women *love* guys like him (I'm one of them) if they are already into them - but to someone who is still trying to decide if she likes him enough, or is unsure, all this enthusiasm would be offputting (in most cases).

 

You start to worry about him ("but what if i change my mind? I don't want to hurt him"), about your personal space and time, you start to wonder if he'll get tired of the relationship as quickly as he jumped into it...

 

Not that you necessarily have actual reasons to worry about. It could be just enthusiasm, or that he likes you a lot. But yet it is enough to worry you and to make you detach from him.

 

(I hear that this is what usually happens)

 

 

I love the advice you got from serial muse and norajane.

 

 

Considering you are not polishing this story any, I would honestly say that would drive me up the wall.

[blind_otter]

LT that guy is gunning for the grossness. No offense but he is being clingy and you can see too much of someone. Hello overkill....

 

And being on the phone that long? Hell no. Not unless they live on another continent and you don't get actual face-time. If you see him regularly, wtf are you guys doing on the phone? I'm sure you get conversation when you're together....

[luvtoto]

LT that guy is gunning for the grossness. No offense but he is being clingy and you can see too much of someone. Hello overkill....

 

And being on the phone that long? Hell no. Not unless they live on another continent and you don't get actual face-time. If you see him regularly, wtf are you guys doing on the phone? I'm sure you get conversation when you're together....

Yep. I agree, blind_otter. I have been restling with trying to overcome my 'pre-judgement of him' all weekend. Even had a bad dream about him.

 

He called me yesterday when I wasn't home. Then, I got an email from him today. Even though his email stated that he understands what I am feeling, he doesn't like to be rushed either. I still had to end things with him...in an email. Eek.

 

Hell, I would rather be single than to keep doubting my actions constantly in a FT, serious relationship. Relationships tend to make a person look at themselves through a magnifying glass. How are my actions affecting my partner? Ugh. Maybe that's not for me.

 

I feel like I just crushed another human being...

 

I don't want that kind of responsibility. Too much pressure.

[luvtoto]

...and another thing.

 

I haven't been sexually attracted/emotionally interested in another man since I was dumped by my x-fiance four years ago.

 

Maybe, I am broken? :confused:

 

...maybe I'll just sleep on it. *sigh*

[luvtoto]

I don't know if anyone here is still interested in reading this post, but...

 

He wrote me back this morning, and told me in his email, "Even though it's over, I may never get the chance to tell you this ever, but I love you."

 

Wha!? Now how can he love me in just two weeks?

 

Guys, uh...he *is* crazy right?! This is NOT normal behavior, is it?

 

 

I feel like such a bad person. But, how was I supposed to know he would fall in love with me in a week? I was just still getting to know him...deciding if I like him. At the same time, he was falling in love with me.

 

Gosh dang. I feel guilty.

[blind_otter]

I feel like such a bad person. But, how was I supposed to know he would fall in love with me in a week? I was just still getting to know him...deciding if I like him. At the same time, he was falling in love with me.

 

Gosh dang. I feel guilty.

 

That was a passive aggressive move on his part. IMO. When you drop the "I know things are over but I love you" line, that is tantamount to emotional blackmail. He wanted to make you feel guilty because he was hurt by the breakup but didn't do so in a direct manner, so he could still come off looking like the nice guy.

 

But don't think he's evil. I doubt he even realizes that he was saying that to elicit a negative emotion in you -- guilt.

 

2 weeks is NOT long enough to fall in love with someone. It's long enough to get infatuated and feel intense lust.

[luvtoto]

He wanted to make you feel guilty because he was hurt by the breakup but didn't do so in a direct manner, so he could still come off looking like the nice guy.

Yep, nice guy for sure. I would be spending the rest of my life with him feeling guilty for not treating him good enough in return. I could never match his kindness and sweetness.

[hotgurl]

I had an ex like that. Said I love right off the bat wanted to spend tons of time together and very clingy. He turned out to be an abuser. Now when some guy comes on strong like that it skives me out and I run.

[Art_Critic]

Kinda sounds like you just weren't into him.

 

If you had been and had felt " the click " then you wouldn't be feeling what you feel right now.

[luvtoto]

I had an ex like that. Said I love right off the bat wanted to spend tons of time together and very clingy. He turned out to be an abuser. Now when some guy comes on strong like that it skives me out and I run.

Really? That's too bad, hotgurl.

 

I can't help it. Red flags are shooting up all around me! I can't seem to ignore them.

 

He might be a really sincere, nice guy...but, what if he isn't. I ain't gonna stick around to feel him out. His behavior is just too weird for me.

[luvtoto]

Kinda sounds like you just weren't into him.

 

If you had been and had felt " the click " then you wouldn't be feeling what you feel right now.

Thanks, A_C! Good to hear from you again.

 

Your advice is so simple, yet effective. At first, he seemed sooo friggin' perfect. But, then he came on w-ay too strong. If he would have just cooled his jets maybe things would have been better.

 

Ain't that a shame.

 

Since my last broken heart, I've learned to fall in love with my mind, and not with my heart. Is that a bad thing?

 

I have had a song running through my head all morning...'Don't tell me you love me, don't tell me you love me, cause I don't wanna know."

 

Good luck A_C in your new relationship. Take care.

[mental_traveller]

I'm a man, and on behalf of you, I'm disgusted by him too.

 

You can't get into him because he's just so easy -- too easy. There's no challenge, he's so available, you don't even have time to like him.

 

Tell him that you're interested in continuing this, but he needs to make it more fun for you (and him too).

 

Too true.

 

Try being nasty to him for a bit. If he isn't a sap, he'll be nasty back, and then you'll have the drama you are addicted to.

 

If he is a sap, then he'll become even nicer and nicer, and this will revolt you so much that you will either break up with him or cheat on him. Either way it will be over, which is the best result for both of you.

[mental_traveller]

 

Also, treating a woman badly is NOT what I am condoning in this thread. I just want to get a few mixed messages from him, wanna get a poker face from him every now and then. So, he'll keep me guessing and add a little excitement. I, also, need him to have more of an independent side.

 

Ah, but why would any smart man do that, when he can give you a poker face and mixed messages 90% of the time, and keep you guessing even more and becoming even more in love with him?

 

And what about you? Are you acting like a combination of Marilyn Monroe and Ava Gardner? If not, then cease your whining and start acting like a woman instead of a silly demanding little girl.

[mental_traveller]

I am thinking it's just human conditioning. Let's say a boy mows the lawn and earns $5.00 for all his hard work. He will appreciate that $5.00 more and hang on to the money longer, because it was a symbol of all his hard work.

 

Let's just say, a mother gives him a $5.00 bill for no reason. Just to be nice. The boy will spend it, of course. But, having that $5.00 bill in his hand won't be as special if he didn't earn it.

 

When the boy was mowing, he probably was sweating...tired...upset for having to do a chore. But, in the end...he felt rewarded for earning the money.

 

We all learn this at an early age. Anything that is just handed to us, without any effort, is just not as sweet as a challenge.

 

IMO, I don't think it has anything to do with maturity or immaturity...or treating someone badly.

 

Just give me the chance to *earn* something here! I don't want it just handed to me, I won't appreciate it.

 

Exactly. Have you ever been taught any skill by a total hardass? Someone who really knows their ****, but the most you ever get from them, no matter how good your results, is a "Hmmpf - not bad". Well, you really want to prove them wrong and show them how good you are, right?

 

Whereas a teacher who is always saying well done, even if you produced a load of crap, just won't get respect. You don't have to earn their praise so you don't try. Just like here, you're getting affection without even trying, so you're taking it for granted.

 

Basically you're trapped into your learned behaviour. But you're a human being, not a laboratory chimp. Why not think for yourself instead of acting like a conditioned lab rat?

[luvtoto]

And what about you? Are you acting like a combination of Marilyn Monroe and Ava Gardner?

Well, I look like Ginger, Cook like Mary Ann.

 

Thanks for the advice, MT.