Spinderella Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 i want option c - to be loved, secure and experience that deep current of joy and excitement. why are we talking here as though wanting excitement (not unhappy, sagging drama - i'm talking about cheerful, anticipatory excitement where you're looking forward to seeing someone, not dreading how they'll react or walking on eggshells) is a bad thing and means women want to be shoved around? i don't want uncertainty about whether the guy loves me - i just want him to have his own mind, and not to be able to predict what he's thinking all the time. i don't want his world to revolve around me - but that doesn't mean i don't want to be assured that he loves me. those aren't the same things at all. Yes!! Exactly! In truth though, don't you always find that it is one or the other? The exciting ones are a**holes, or emotionally unavailable, and the others, well they just bend over backwards to please you. What else I often find is that if I am with the unavailable type, I tend to become like the too eager to please men, BUT even if I get a grip and hold my own in those relationships, they tend to become too eager to please. It is extremely hard to find the balance.
burning 4 revenge Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Estrogen must act like sulfuric acid on the human brain.
Spinderella Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Estrogen must act like sulfuric acid on the human brain. You didn't answer the question of what you attracts you in a woman. Do you like a woman who is eager to please you, and does everything you ask? When you ask, what do you like, she says, whatever you like. Or do you generally find yourself attracted to somebody who has a life of her own and shows she is independent in thought, and not waiting for you to decide what she is doing that evening? Even if this eager to please woman adored you, would it be enough to keep the attraction alive?
2sunny Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I don't understand this. How do you earn someone's love? Is that even possible? Love is freely given or it isn't love, it's something else like approval or attention. Change in perspective. He doesn't love you...yet. You've just started dating fairly recently, and I know things have been moving quickly between you, but it's not love...yet. All he's handed you is his time, attention, affection, admiration? and he's openly and honestly sharing his thoughts and hopes and dreams for the future, but love takes time to develop. What has you hyperventilating is a man who is open to being with you in an intimate, honest way without giving you mixed signals to ponder and doubt. This has you wanting to push him away a little... I'm going back to my thought that it's fear of intimacy. I agree with this... When a person has been accustomed to "love" being a certain way (challenging - difficult - unhealthy) - then when it comes along in a "healthy" manner - sometimes it makes us uncomfortable because it seems foreign... Go with it and enjoy it, that is the advice my sister recently gave me when I started dating a man that was soooo good and great and nice. It makes for an easier life. We are just used to the "drama" of the other side (unhealthy). Stay on the healthy side...
serial muse Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 You didn't answer the question of what you attracts you in a woman. Do you like a woman who is eager to please you, and does everything you ask? When you ask, what do you like, she says, whatever you like. Or do you generally find yourself attracted to somebody who has a life of her own and shows she is independent in thought, and not waiting for you to decide what she is doing that evening? Even if this eager to please woman adored you, would it be enough to keep the attraction alive? yes. please, guys. i'm not asking to be snarky, but i suspect that for all the wailing about how women don't know what they want, men would feel the exact same way on this issue. i understand that it's frustrating to try to predict how to make a woman happy - because it's equally frustrating to try to predict how to make a man happy. so tell me. have none of the men here actually felt this way about his SO?
burning 4 revenge Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I once had a GF who kissed my a$$, but she was a boring conversationalist and I wasn't that attracted. We got engaged, but I eventually backed out. I don't know if that answers your question. That doesn't mean I'm interested in people who play hard to get. What the hell am I saying? I'm interested in just about anything at this point.
2sunny Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I once had a GF who kissed my a$$, but she was a boring conversationalist and I wasn't that attracted. We got engaged, but I eventually backed out. I don't know if that answers your question. That doesn't mean I'm interested in people who play hard to get. What the hell am I saying? I'm interested in just about anything at this point. conversation HAS to be challenging... the mind (a bright one) is one of the sexiest things out there!
norajane Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 conversation HAS to be challenging... the mind (a bright one) is one of the sexiest things out there! My bf challenged me to say 'colonial linoleum' four times fast while we were drunk the other night - does that count?
serial muse Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I once had a GF who kissed my a$$, but she was a boring conversationalist and I wasn't that attracted. We got engaged, but I eventually backed out. I don't know if that answers your question. That doesn't mean I'm interested in people who play hard to get. right, okay. so that's kind of exactly what i was saying. both things. What the hell am I saying? I'm interested in just about anything at this point. aw, b4r, you don't need to settle. come on, you rock. plus, i bet you wouldn't, if it came to that point. but what do i know?
burning 4 revenge Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 By too eager to please, are you guys saying some guys suffocate you and that you need a little space? I'm not sure what you mean exactly. I agree that people in a relationship should be more concerned with their own lives and careers than worshiping their partner-at least until kids, or marriage when I think the relationship should be of paramount importance. But if your'e saying you like guys who are emotionally unavailable then I just give up.
serial muse Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 not sure if that was a reply to me since i didn't say anything about "eager to please". so i guess i'll assume it's not.
Woggle Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Of course I want a woman with her own life but it is so great not having drama in my marriage. I can't even explain what a relief it is to be with a woman that is not always starting fights just to create drama. Finally I have found a woman that appreciates the nice guy side of me and enjoys the contentment we have found. To be fair to the OP sometimes I still look for a cache but I admit that is my issue and something I need to work on.
Author luvtoto Posted September 15, 2006 Author Posted September 15, 2006 Uh, did you ever consider stopping that? Seriously... I wish I could just stop it. Are you serious? I am sure you mean the best of intentions, SC. I just don't think you realize just how deep my wounds go and how difficult it would be for me to recover. When I hear statements like, "Just move on" or "Just get over it", or "Just stop that"...well, it only makes me feel more alienated.
Spinderella Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 By too eager to please, are you guys saying some guys suffocate you and that you need a little space? I'm not sure what you mean exactly. I agree that people in a relationship should be more concerned with their own lives and careers than worshiping their partner-at least until kids, or marriage when I think the relationship should be of paramount importance. But if your'e saying you like guys who are emotionally unavailable then I just give up. Well, when a guy lets you guess a little, he engages your mind. When he is too eager to please then you don't need to guess at all. When he is always there, and doesn't give you any space, and/or tells you how he is feeling or enquires how you are feeling, too early on, then you don't get time for your feelings to grow, or even to be really sure what they are yet. When he is too nice and eager to please, then it makes you wonder, what is he really like? It can seem as though everything he is doing is just to keep you, and you wonder, what is he really like, sometimes you wonder, what is he trying to hide? I'm sure this goes both ways. No, it is not the same as liking emotionally unavailable guys, BUT, more often than not, guys are one or the other, and it is usually the emotionally unavailable guy who would win out in this situation, because, he seemingly possesses the qualities of a strong guy, who is not trying to hide anything, not afraid to be himself, and who respects your space. I can't explain it any better than this. I hope it makes sense. It's difficult trying to work out what the opposite sex really wants, but I think it is more similar than we think. This girl who bored you because of her mind, well if she had teased you a little bit, mentally, you might well have thought she had a bright mind, might you?
burning 4 revenge Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I don't think it would have made me think she was any brighter per say, because she liked game-playing, no. She may have been more challenging therefore played on my insecurities more and kept me interested a little bit longer. That's not love though. Refer to Johan's post on this thread, I'm starting to think he's the wisest voice on the board.
Spinderella Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I don't think it would have made me think she was any brighter per say, because she liked game-playing, no. She may have been more challenging therefore played on my insecurities more and kept me interested a little bit longer. That's not love though. Refer to Johan's post on this thread, I'm starting to think he's the wisest voice on the board. No, you are right, that is not love, but, maybe it is what allows the love to grow. Nobody likes feeling trapped, and when somebody is too quick to call it a relationship, sometimes it feels as though you didnt have time to choose that, or grow to love it.
fishtaco Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Of course I want a woman with her own life but it is so great not having drama in my marriage. I can't even explain what a relief it is to be with a woman that is not always starting fights just to create drama. Finally I have found a woman that appreciates the nice guy side of me and enjoys the contentment we have found. To be fair to the OP sometimes I still look for a cache but I admit that is my issue and something I need to work on. Well I like woggle's posts. And I like his other thread about drama too. I like independent women yes, I wouldn't want someone that's stuck up my butt and depends only on me for her entertainment. I like her to have her friends and do her things, but that's not the same as the mind games and keeping me guessing and all that drama stuff. I mean if she's not available on a Friday for me, I want it to be because she already made plans with her friends, and not because she's doing some sort of jedi mind trick to "keep me interested". I believe couples should be honest with each other and keep open communication. Poker face isn't exactly open communication. Trust is also very imporant. Sounds like part of the "game" is to play on this trust to make the other person guessing. I wouldn't want something like that.
Author luvtoto Posted September 15, 2006 Author Posted September 15, 2006 I like independent women yes, I wouldn't want someone that's stuck up my butt and depends only on me for her entertainment. I like her to have her friends and do her things, but that's not the same as the mind games and keeping me guessing and all that drama stuff. Yes, I agree, fishtaco. Here's my situation and please tell me if you think I am dramatizing. Thursday night, I spent on the phone with him. Friday night I spent it on the phone with him. Saturday day, I received 2-3 phone calls from him discussing our evening date. Saturday evening, I met his kids for the first time, and we all went to the movies. Sunday, was at his house by 2:00pm for his son's football game. (pause to take breath) Then, Sunday evening, met his mother and had dinner at *their* house (he lives with his mother). I didn't get home till Sunday night around 8:00. Then, I got a phone call shortly after I got home. Then, in the middle of it all I get daily emails. On Monday, got another email telling me how much he cares for me and can't wait to see me again... AND that he MISSES me! Wha? Then, another phone call on Tuesday that lasted 2.5 hours. Couple more emails. Had one of his friends come into my work to check me out. Told him about it. Then, on Wednesday night, I got two phone calls from him telling me his son lost his bookbag. Then he called back stating that he would be a *little* late getting to my house. (pause to take breath) Then, he shows up and as we are folding laundry...I FREAK!! I just felt claustrophobic. I just wanted him to leave so I could sit my ass on the couch and scratch myself (yes, woman scratch themselves). I didn't feel like being all nicey-nice. Smiling every five seconds at him, like he was doing to me. SMILE, SMILE, SMILE. He told my son a joke everytime he would get one of his homework questions right. How sweet. I should hang on to this guy. Yes, I see potential here. He is also attractive... But, SWEET, SWEET, SWEET! AAAHHHH... I felt like it was a scene out of Little House on the Prairie. I am not that sweet, and feel like I am faking it. Who acts that nice?! I even asked him if he is always that nice or is he just trying to impress me. He said...no, unfortunately I am always nice like this. Really??? Sure, he is a great guy. We do have chemistry. Yes, the spark was there in the beginning...but, it is dying out fast!! What a shame. Am I a bad person addicted to drama? Do I have such severe intimacy issues that I am letting a good guy go for no apparent reason? Should I learn to let this man just love me? He even said that when I didn't email him back all day Wednesday, he got a bad feeling from it. Like, anxiety and my non-contact made him anxious.
serial muse Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Well I like woggle's posts. And I like his other thread about drama too. I like independent women yes, I wouldn't want someone that's stuck up my butt and depends only on me for her entertainment. I like her to have her friends and do her things, but that's not the same as the mind games and keeping me guessing and all that drama stuff. I mean if she's not available on a Friday for me, I want it to be because she already made plans with her friends, and not because she's doing some sort of jedi mind trick to "keep me interested". I believe couples should be honest with each other and keep open communication. Poker face isn't exactly open communication. Trust is also very imporant. Sounds like part of the "game" is to play on this trust to make the other person guessing. I wouldn't want something like that. whoa, let's not twist things around. in my earlier post, i basically said exactly that - i'm not looking for drama, but i think someone who artificially creates intimacy very early on in a relationship (possibly because they have a void they're trying to fill) is a drama factory. and that's exactly the kind of guy that makes me skittish. is what i'm saying. i have a busy, friend-filled life. i love my job. those things are adjustable, but they're still going to be there, because i like them there. but i'd love to find someone to make time and room for - gradually - someone who doesn't expect me to stay over every other night by the end of the second week of dating, or to move in after two months. i want it to be gradual, to uncover each other slowly. i just don't want it all to happen within the first month - i hope that the guy would have more layers than that! i don't expect anyone to know everything there is about me in a month, and frankly, if they think they do, i'm highly suspicious (because they've probably filled in the gaps with their own expectations). so i just want someone who's willing to take his time. why is that drama? :confused:
Author luvtoto Posted September 15, 2006 Author Posted September 15, 2006 OH, and another thing, he already asked me last weekend if I would want to go meet his sister and her husband. Then, a couple days later, he said his other brother wants to meet me. He has 6 brothers and sisters. Ahhh!!! Then, he talks about marriage to me. Yes, I like him ALOT on our first couple dates...but he is just RUINING IT.
Author luvtoto Posted September 15, 2006 Author Posted September 15, 2006 whoa, let's not twist things around. in my earlier post, i basically said exactly that - i'm not looking for drama, but i think someone who artificially creates intimacy very early on in a relationship (possibly because they have a void they're trying to fill) is a drama factory. and that's exactly the kind of guy that makes me skittish. is what i'm saying. i have a busy, friend-filled life. i love my job. those things are adjustable, but they're still going to be there, because i like them there. but i'd love to find someone to make time and room for - gradually - someone who doesn't expect me to stay over every other night by the end of the second week of dating, or to move in after two months. i want it to be gradual, to uncover each other slowly. i just don't want it all to happen within the first month - i hope that the guy would have more layers than that! i don't expect anyone to know everything there is about me in a month, and frankly, if they think they do, i'm highly suspicious (because they've probably filled in the gaps with their own expectations). so i just want someone who's willing to take his time. why is that drama? :confused: Yes, I would consider that the opposite of drama.
serial muse Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 luvtoto - maybe you could present that idea to him? like, he's already worried that he's smothering you (as others have said to him) so maybe you could just say, look, i want to get to know you, but i want it to be gradual, layer by layer, not all at once. give it time to grow. would that sink in, do you think?
burning 4 revenge Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 No, you are right, that is not love, but, maybe it is what allows the love to grow. Nobody likes feeling trapped, and when somebody is too quick to call it a relationship, sometimes it feels as though you didnt have time to choose that, or grow to love it. Well, wev'e been talking to each other for awhile now and I was wondering if it's alright to call you my girlfriend?
norajane Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 YSure, he is a great guy. We do have chemistry. Yes, the spark was there in the beginning...but, it is dying out fast!! What a shame. Am I a bad person addicted to drama? Do I have such severe intimacy issues that I am letting a good guy go for no apparent reason? Should I learn to let this man just love me? You are playing a part in this as well - why are you spending that much time on the phone with him, and why are you seeing him so often? You have other things to do, don't you? Why aren't you doing them? Why don't you end the phone calls sooner so you can go do your thing? Why aren't you also making plans with your friends and getting together with them on weekends instead of just him?
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