I am up on a pedestal. Just wanna get down, and go sit on the couch.

[Rooster_DAR]

This directly relates to "you love what you can't have", and "once you have it you don't like it anymore". Sounds like you have it, and you are starting to not want it anymore.

 

I would talk to him and let him know exactly how you feel, it sounds to be there may be some inbalance there. Maybe he is just an incredible man capable of being extrodinarily attentive to a relationship.

 

Sounds like he's a catch, at least that's the kind of man that most women seem to say they want until they actually have it.

 

roost

[alphamale]

at least that's the kind of man that most women seem to say they want until they actually have it.

Women's words and their actions usually don't match up...

[johan]

well that will eventually be the kiss of death for him. women like to be treated badly so that they can feel like they are really in "love"

 

So what you're saying is that this guy is too nice and that will be the kiss of death for him? And that women like to be treated badly? I think you're onto something with this, Alpha. How long have you been keeping this little gem of wisdom to yourself?

[magichands]

So what you're saying is that this guy is too nice and that will be the kiss of death for him?

But what a way to go!!!!

[Rooster_DAR]

well that will eventually be the kiss of death for him. women like to be treated badly so that they can feel like they are really in "love"

 

Most of the time I disagree with you alpha, but I'm gonna sit right beside you on this one.

 

Actually, both of your posts seem to be right on target unfortunately!

 

roost

[Touche]

They ARE on target if you want a GIRL (or a "chick" to some of you). If you want a grown-up mature WOMAN, it is most assuredly NOT on target.

[pricillia]

women don't want to be treated badly... ok define badly...Actually I would like to hear what Alpha thinks badly is...

 

no but seriously...

 

We just don't want some love sick puppy man, we want a man with depth that is exciting, as well as loving and passionate, at least that is what I would like.

 

Yes and we like a challenge... I like to find ways to intice my man.

[johan]

Yes and we like a challenge... I like to find ways to intice my man.

 

Women don't LIKE to be treated badly, regardless of how Mr. Alpha defines it. It just triggers an ego response that dense guys confuse with true affection. And the only way to keep that response, and hence the false love, alive is to continue the bad-treating behavior. The problem is there are only so many bad-guy tricks you can play before she either gets wise to it or the ego gets exhausted and she turns to look for other challenges. But irregardless (that's NOT a WORD!!), the love was never really there.

 

Some guys are conditioned to think that well-placed, well-timed jabs at a woman's ego are the only way to get love. If that's true, then **** it. I'm not good at that kind of manipulation. And it takes too much energy.

[Spinderella]

Women don't LIKE to be treated badly, regardless of how Mr. Alpha defines it. It just triggers an ego response that dense guys confuse with true affection. And the only way to keep that response, and hence the false love, alive is to continue the bad-treating behavior. The problem is there are only so many bad-guy tricks you can play before she either gets wise to it or the ego gets exhausted and she turns to look for other challenges. But irregardless (that's NOT a WORD!!), the love was never really there.

 

Some guys are conditioned to think that well-placed, well-timed jabs at a woman's ego are the only way to get love. If that's true, then **** it. I'm not good at that kind of manipulation. And it takes too much energy.

 

No Johan, women dont generally like to be insulted, but they do like to wonder where they stand sometimes. It isnt the same thing at all.

[luvtoto]

I am thinking it's just human conditioning. Let's say a boy mows the lawn and earns $5.00 for all his hard work. He will appreciate that $5.00 more and hang on to the money longer, because it was a symbol of all his hard work.

 

Let's just say, a mother gives him a $5.00 bill for no reason. Just to be nice. The boy will spend it, of course. But, having that $5.00 bill in his hand won't be as special if he didn't earn it.

 

When the boy was mowing, he probably was sweating...tired...upset for having to do a chore. But, in the end...he felt rewarded for earning the money.

 

We all learn this at an early age. Anything that is just handed to us, without any effort, is just not as sweet as a challenge.

 

IMO, I don't think it has anything to do with maturity or immaturity...or treating someone badly.

 

Just give me the chance to *earn* something here! I don't want it just handed to me, I won't appreciate it.

[luvtoto]

Okay...wait a minute. I think I just figure something out while writing my last post above.

 

My whole life, I've had to earn people's love. MY WHOLE LIFE. If it's ever been just handed to me, I don't feel comfortable with it and run.

 

Now that I've got my problem pinpointed...will I ever be comfortable just having his love handed to me?!

 

I need to break this DAMN cycle!!!

 

This guy would be perfect for me, if I had good self-esteem.

[Adunaphel]

What's wrong with having things (or affection, attention, love) just handed to us? :love:

 

Let's just say, a mother gives him a $5.00 bill for no reason. Just to be nice. The boy will spend it, of course. But, having that $5.00 bill in his hand won't be as special if he didn't earn it.

 

That's just because the boy takes for granted his mother and the fact that she'll give him money from time to time with no reason.

 

If he managed to see them as a special present he'll be just as happy as if he earned them. IMO.

[Adunaphel]

Okay...wait a minute. I think I just figure something out while writing my last post above.

 

My whole life, I've had to earn people's love. MY WHOLE LIFE. If it's ever been just handed to me, I don't feel comfortable with it and run.

 

great! Now that you've figured it out, consider the problem half-solved. And start working on the other half.

 

Now that I've got my problem pinpointed...will I ever be comfortable just having his love handed to me?!

 

You bet you will. All it takes it's getting used to it.

 

I need to break this DAMN cycle!!!

 

Take a deep breath and step out of this circular path.

If i could hypnotize you I would. But just trust me, you can break this circle on your own.

 

Breathe deep.

Concentrate.

One, two, three....

NOW.

 

This guy would be perfect for me, if I had good self-esteem.

 

Well, since he is so perfect he must be a smart guy with his head on his shoulders.

You don't have high self esteem, but he clearly sees you as a very special person. Trust his judgment!!!! (just to get started )

[luvtoto]

great! Now that you've figured it out, consider the problem half-solved. And start working on the other half.

 

 

 

You bet you will. All it takes it's getting used to it.

 

 

 

Take a deep breath and step out of this circular path.

If i could hypnotize you I would. But just trust me, you can break this circle on your own.

 

Breathe deep.

Concentrate.

One, two, three....

NOW.

 

 

 

Well, since he is so perfect he must be a smart guy with his head on his shoulders.

You don't have high self esteem, but he clearly sees you as a very special person. Trust his judgment!!!! (just to get started )

Are you a therapist? I am impressed with your post, Adunaphel. Thank you.

 

I am going to have a talk with him soon. I am just scared. I am scared, because it seems like I have this side of me that just takes over my feelings.

 

I WANT to be loved. I really do. If only I could get out of my damn way!!

I am tired of sabatoging my happiness.

[superconductor]

I am tired of sabatoging my happiness.

Uh, did you ever consider stopping that? Seriously...

[rina_r]

Like, he's too nice. Too clingy.

 

If I like the guy, I'd love him to be clingy!

[Spinderella]

Are you a therapist? I am impressed with your post, Adunaphel. Thank you.

 

I am going to have a talk with him soon. I am just scared. I am scared, because it seems like I have this side of me that just takes over my feelings.

 

I WANT to be loved. I really do. If only I could get out of my damn way!!

I am tired of sabatoging my happiness.

 

I am going through a very similar thing at the moment, I can really relate.

I agree, that was a great post Adunaphel, it got me thinking aswell.

I think maybe luvtoto, it is best to NOT talk to him about this, although I am not completely sure. My feelings are that, if you talk to him, he will become more unsure of you, and maybe more eager to please. I did talk to the guy I am currently seeing, and since then nothing is spontaneous, because he is so fearful of pushing me. He waits for me to say I want to see him, and although this should give me a sense of not knowing what he is thinking, I actually know that he is waiting for me to say I want to see him. My feelings are that it makes no diffrence, i.e, that the problem is not in him, but in you (and me), and that what is needed is a shift in perspective. What is the most important really? To be loved and in a secure relationship, or to feel uncertainty and drama? Perhaps because you talk to him alot on the phone, he has gone into the friends zone for you. Maybe you should keep the attraction alive, by not talking to him as a friend and by treating him as an exciting lover.

[serial muse]

What is the most important really? To be loved and in a secure relationship, or to feel uncertainty and drama?

 

yes, the age-old dilemma. i empathize. but why must it be either-or?

 

i want option c - to be loved, secure and experience that deep current of joy and excitement. why are we talking here as though wanting excitement (not unhappy, sagging drama - i'm talking about cheerful, anticipatory excitement where you're looking forward to seeing someone, not dreading how they'll react or walking on eggshells) is a bad thing and means women want to be shoved around? i don't want uncertainty about whether the guy loves me - i just want him to have his own mind, and not to be able to predict what he's thinking all the time. i don't want his world to revolve around me - but that doesn't mean i don't want to be assured that he loves me. those aren't the same things at all.

 

to the guys who've responded as such - don't you want to feel excited by your SO's? do you really prefer that your girlfriends (or boyfriends, as the case may be) are totally predictable? i'm confused by what you think youwant in a relationship. please advise.

[burning 4 revenge]

What do you mean by unpredictable Serial Muse? Like not being able to predict whether, or not a teenage penis might end up in their mouth in the next several hours?

[serial muse]

What do you mean by unpredictable Serial Muse? Like not being able to predict whether, or not a teenage penis might end up in their mouth in the next several hours?

 

 

is that what unpredictable means to you, b4r?

[burning 4 revenge]

 

is that what unpredictable means to you, b4r?

 

I've learned that I don't always care for surprises Serial Muse. I'm just sayin

[serial muse]

I've learned that I don't always care for surprises Serial Muse. I'm just sayin

 

oh, i've had a few surprises myself. but just because i've had bad surprises thanks to an as$hole doesn't mean all surprises have to be fundamentally bad. that's rather a leap of logic.

 

but i suspect it's kind of clear, from my earlier post, that that isn't the kind of surprise i'm interested in either.

 

i'd like to be able to trust someone to keep his word. i just don't want to be dating a puppet. but trusting in someone's character doesn't mean that i need to know where he is every five minutes. just that i can trust he isn't banging some other chick or sticking his penis in her mouth.

[Adunaphel]

Are you a therapist? I am impressed with your post, Adunaphel. Thank you.

 

A therapist? Moi? In my dreams! I could do with some self-therapy, actually. I'm just a messed up female clown. But for once I'm pretty sure of what I'm saying.

 

I am going to have a talk with him soon. I am just scared. I am scared, because it seems like I have this side of me that just takes over my feelings.

 

No offence meant, but you should try to keep this side in control - consider it like a little dark creature inside you that will sometimes surface to try to mess your relationships up (the good ones).

 

It's a great idea, IMO, that you have a talk with him - the sooner, the better.

 

I WANT to be loved. I really do. If only I could get out of my damn way!!

I am tired of sabatoging my happiness.

 

I guess the trick is convincing that you deserve to be happy. If it doesn't work, try to remind yourself that you don't deserve to be unhappy!!!

 

 

Have you already thought about what you are going to tell your bf next time you see him?

 

If I were in your situation I'd probably try to explain him why I sort of freaked out, I'd try to apologize and give him some (honest!) "I can't believe a great guy like you would be so interested in me, I guess i was baffled because it looked to good to be true" line.

Problem is, I'm not sure it would be a very smart thing to do - I actually suspect it would be a bad idea. Some guys would smell issues and get the idea that you have emotional baggage. In my experience saying that "you are not used to be treated so nicely" usually backfires in one way or the other -either scares the guy away or you look less worthy of attention in his eyes.

 

Perhaps it would be better to call him as soon as possible, asking *him* out and spending some quality time together?

 

While you are having a good evening(or whatever part of the day it will be) you could mention that you realized how weird you must have looked the other day, make up some vague story to explain the way you looked (you felt like fainting, you remembera something unpleasant that happened lately), so that he knows it is *not* about him and you thank him for having been so nice.

[Sassy]

Luv relax and enjoy what you have with this guy! Most people never get this out of a relationship be thankful for what you have. Probably the reason you are panicking is because it scares the hell out of you . Be happy that he isn't mean and treating you like crap. Go with it and if it is meant to be it will. Good luck.

[norajane]

My whole life, I've had to earn people's love. MY WHOLE LIFE. If it's ever been just handed to me, I don't feel comfortable with it and run.

 

I don't understand this. How do you earn someone's love? Is that even possible? Love is freely given or it isn't love, it's something else like approval or attention.

 

Now that I've got my problem pinpointed...will I ever be comfortable just having his love handed to me?!

Change in perspective. He doesn't love you...yet. You've just started dating fairly recently, and I know things have been moving quickly between you, but it's not love...yet. All he's handed you is his time, attention, affection, admiration? and he's openly and honestly sharing his thoughts and hopes and dreams for the future, but love takes time to develop.

 

What has you hyperventilating is a man who is open to being with you in an intimate, honest way without giving you mixed signals to ponder and doubt. This has you wanting to push him away a little...

 

I'm going back to my thought that it's fear of intimacy.