luvtoto Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 OK, what the hell. I am so sick of this cycle I've had in my life for, like, ever! This new guy that I am dating has been soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... perfect to me. He' treating me like a queen on a pedestal. I just want to hop down, and go sit on the couch. Things have been fine with my new guy. Now, out the blue, I am starting to feel smothered and clinged on a bit. Same time, this guy is awesome. It all started when he came over to my house last night. I told him that I've been spending too much time on the phone with him at night...2.5 hours usually. I told him jokingly to get his ass over to my house to help me fold my laundry. He and I have been so "together" lately, that I have been neglecting things around my house. Uh, he took me seriously. Which was fine. I guess. Last night, when he was on the floor with me folding clothes and helping my son with his homework...I got to thinking, is this the only emotion I'll ever feel again in my life? This feeling of contentment? This nice, warm fuzzy feeling? In that same breath, I got really restless and my mind started racing. I just freaked. My life flashed before my eyes, and I started to panic internally. I couldn't look at him anymore after that. He sensed something weird about me, and then I told him how I felt. NOW, he thinks he's doing something wrong. Ugh. I am the one with the problem here!! Not you. I mean, sure it feels good to feel this happy emotion...but, I'm way out of my comfort zone right now. I am starting to long for anger again, frustration...uncertainty...inadequacy...insecurity...I could go on and on. Am I making any sense, right now? Sorry, if I am not. Having a bit of anxiety about this new "happy & healthy" relationship I am in now.
superconductor Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Only a woman would work herself into an angst-ridden furor because things are good. Fercryinoutloud... ENJOY IT. And if you feel he's putting you on a pedestal, that's an easy one to fix: Fart. Something about the noisy escaping of intestinal gases tends to bring about humility.
blind_otter Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Sometimes it's not external circumstances, but our own faulty and unreasonable expectations for how things "should be" that end up sabotaging us. You won't feel that way for the rest of your life. You won't feel ANY way for the rest of your life because your feelings cana ndshould be in flux according to the constantly changing world around you, LT. Fear of intimacy, maybe? I've felt what you describe before. My friends and I call it "the grossness" -- this icky feeling that comes over you a few months into a relationship. We have all rationalized this as meaning that the guy is wrong for us, for whatever reason. In my LTRs -- I never felt "the grossness".
monkey00 Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 I've felt what you describe before. My friends and I call it "the grossness" -- this icky feeling that comes over you a few months into a relationship. We have all rationalized this as meaning that the guy is wrong for us, for whatever reason. In my LTRs -- I never felt "the grossness". I think we all can relate...haha
Author luvtoto Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 I've felt what you describe before. My friends and I call it "the grossness" -- this icky feeling that comes over you a few months into a relationship. We have all rationalized this as meaning that the guy is wrong for us, for whatever reason. In my LTRs -- I never felt "the grossness". Yep, the grossness. That is exactly what I am feeling, B_O. I didn't even want him touching me last night. The idea of kissing him about made me sick to my stomach. I had NO control over it. I WANT to be with this man. I THOUGHT I was ready to receive this kind of attention. Will this feeling pass? How do I overcome it? Maybe an exorcism!
Cecelius Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 I'm a man, and on behalf of you, I'm disgusted by him too. You can't get into him because he's just so easy -- too easy. There's no challenge, he's so available, you don't even have time to like him. Tell him that you're interested in continuing this, but he needs to make it more fun for you (and him too).
rina_r Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Many women would die for a guy like that. Dont take things for granted. Appreciate what you have!
norajane Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Fear of intimacy, maybe? That's what I was thinking it might be. I've felt what you describe before. My friends and I call it "the grossness" -- this icky feeling that comes over you a few months into a relationship. We have all rationalized this as meaning that the guy is wrong for us, for whatever reason. In my LTRs -- I never felt "the grossness". It's the sudden realization that the guy YOU put on the pedestal isn't really all that. He's just a regular guy, imagine that!?! And now that you've got him, hmm, you aren't so sure you want him.
Spinderella Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 I get this too. I think it is correct, that someone needs to give you time for your feelings to grow. I also think that people generally get suspicious of somebody who seems to fall for them so deeply so quickly, so that they seem ready to marry you within a few weeks. Its all very nice being adored, but you also have to wonder, have they known and fallen for the real me, because they don't know the real me in this short a space of time. Perhaps there is also a fear of intimacy, and maybe it just seems too boring. It is nice to have to wonder sometimes, about what is going on in the other persons mind.
Author luvtoto Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 Many women would die for a guy like that. Dont take things for granted. Appreciate what you have! EXACTLY! I realize what I have. I would never forgive myself for screwing it up between us. So, how do I get rid of this feeling?! :( After I talked with last night about how I am feeling smothered, he said that he's been dumped by other woman who have said that to him. Like, he's too nice. Too clingy. So then, the value of him goes down for me.
Spinderella Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Oh dear, it sounds as though it will be difficult.
norajane Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Try spending a little less time together so he's not such an open book to you. 2.5 hour conversations every night?! Stop with the marathon phone calls! Where's the mystery, the wondering if he's thinking about you, the anticipation of seeing him next? You know he's thinking about you cause you're always talking to him. You can't have that "giddy can't wait to see you" feeling if you don't have any time apart. Acting like you've been in a relationship for years and years, or like an old married couple folding laundry, at this stage of the relationship kills the romance and mystery and anticipation.
Spinderella Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Yes thats good advice Nora Jane, it goes both ways.
Woggle Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 You are so used to feeling that anger and insecurity that you are comfortable in it. This is not a good thing and is something you will need to deal with if you do want to have a good relationship. To many people drama is like a drug. It is bad for them but they are addicted to it. I am not trying to be sexist but it does seem like women are more like this than men on an average.
serial muse Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 I get this too. I think it is correct, that someone needs to give you time for your feelings to grow. I also think that people generally get suspicious of somebody who seems to fall for them so deeply so quickly, so that they seem ready to marry you within a few weeks. Its all very nice being adored, but you also have to wonder, have they known and fallen for the real me, because they don't know the real me in this short a space of time. YES. yesyesyes. i agree! currently battling the "grossness" myself, and this sums up the heart of the issue nicely. when things move too fast, i can't escape the feeling that perhaps he's too eager for a relationship with a woman and is trying to fill the "girlfriend" role, as opposed to exploring being in a relationship with, specifically, me. and that makes me feel skittish and trapped and, ugh, rushed. i hate being rushed. perhaps that's fear of intimacy. but i don't really think so.
magichands Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 The idea of kissing him about made me sick to my stomach. I guess that depends whereabouts about is. Mind you, I don't think anywhere should be off-limits. I really like eating curry, but I wouldn't want to have a curry for breakfast (and that may be a totally irrelevant analogy). Still, I find your reaction to him a little more unnerving. Maybe this isn't all your problem after all. when things move too fast, i can't escape the feeling that perhaps he's too eager for a relationship with a woman and is trying to fill the "girlfriend" role, as opposed to exploring being in a relationship with, specifically, me. "I love the way you have those woman bits, woman." I think I understand where you are coming from. That would bother me too - the scent of fakery. Once I made this sickeningly long list of things I loved about someone. It was made for them to read on a plane. It was a hodgepodge of - from my point of view - special moments shared, quirks that kept me smiling, and evoked feelings. Some time later, she told me that I was never in love with her - but in love with the idea of being in love. That's one way to effectively wind back the clock to before you met. Yes, it was all a dream. Hahahahaha...at least my fingers can laugh about it now. I think that will be the extent of it.
Guest Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 This is why it's so bloody wrong to be nice to a woman and treat her well..... They just don't like it! As soon as this guy starts behaving like a jerk you will be the one that will cling onto him... Watch this space!
Spinderella Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 No, being interesting and mysterious and allowing the other person space to develop, is not the same as being a jerk. Its also true of women as much as men, and something people should try to give to the other person in a relationship.
Cecelius Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 No, being interesting and mysterious and allowing the other person space to develop, is not the same as being a jerk. Its also true of women as much as men, and something people should try to give to the other person in a relationship. Best Post Ever.
Author luvtoto Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 Well, he just emailed me and told me that he'll call me tonight so we can talk. AAAHHHH!!! I emailed him back that maybe we should take a couple days off from speaking to each other So, that we can have some *independent* time away from each other. Also, treating a woman badly is NOT what I am condoning in this thread. I just want to get a few mixed messages from him, wanna get a poker face from him every now and then. So, he'll keep me guessing and add a little excitement. I, also, need him to have more of an independent side.
Author luvtoto Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 Also, thank you for ALL your advice. I am a bit rushed for time right now. But, I have read everyone and will take everyone's advice to heart. I love LS .
alphamale Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 This new guy that I am dating has been soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... perfect to me. He' treating me like a queen on a pedestal. well that will eventually be the kiss of death for him. women like to be treated badly so that they can feel like they are really in "love"
fishtaco Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Poor guy, let him go. You two are not compatible, period. You want a guy that plays mind games (mixed messages, poker face), and can sit your ass down and put you in your place. He sounds like a wuss that needs a control freak dominatrix girlfriend that makes him her bitch. It's important to know who you are and what you want, then you'll be able to reach compatibility easier. I believe a person cannot change unless s/he experiences a traumatic event. If you dumping him is traumatic enough, he just might decide to stop being a wuss. He might turn into a jerk, which isn't ideal, but it's at least better than wuss (looking from his perspective). Hey, maybe even tell him to come to LS. There are many guys here that can educate him on how to play the game. That's what I'm here for, to learn the game, since I wasn't born with the mojo. This thread has given me very interesting insight to the mind of women... mixed messages a good thing? Who would have thunk!!
pricillia Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 You are so used to feeling that anger and insecurity that you are comfortable in it. This is not a good thing and is something you will need to deal with if you do want to have a good relationship. To many people drama is like a drug. It is bad for them but they are addicted to it. I am not trying to be sexist but it does seem like women are more like this than men on an average. yes I agree... Misery loves company. I thinks that original poster should keep telling herslef that she deserves a healthy relationship and it is up to her to set the boundaries... If he is smothering you and you still enjoy his company and want him in your life don't always be available, I shouldn't say train him instead I will say manage him and your time together. My ideal relationship is one that is balanced, where there are other things in each other's lives that are of value, like friends family hobbies so you are not spending all of the time with each other. Keeping it spicy and fresh is a good thing. This may take some work to get him to understand that, obviously he is scaring you away a little and by his past relationships he is repeating his mistakes, maybe it is up to you to show him the light...
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