L

[Guest-L]

Hello, I have read many of your posts and have been shocked at how common all this is. I need advice.

 

I have been married for just about 11 months but with my husband for close to 9 years starting in highschool till now we are 25 and 27. We have been dealt an awful hand of his mother getting sick and having heart attack, heart transplant, and breast cancer all to die months before our wedding. It was awful.

 

My husband does not cope well with these things and his feelings and I believe became depressed shortly after we married. Beginning this year he was very unhappy and I equated it to depression but, there were problems that we had. financial, and that I had gained a lot of weight in college I have maintained my weight for about 5 years way before we were married. I have struggled with losing yo yo dieting. My husband has never understood. we became very close with my brother and his wife. (too close) we did everything as a group and it became more about the group then about the couples.

 

April my brother discovered his wife was talking/seeing another guy after work for drinks. (because she had no one to talk to). My relationship with her changed after that. There are lots of details to fill in moments I felt something was wrong. But, last week I woke up thinking I was going to Museum to hear from my husband the text book. " I don't think I am in love with you anymore". I think I want to leave you. So he left the house for a few hours. and in that time in complete shock and turn of things. I get a call from my brother him and his wife have decided to get a divorce however, my brother had discovered that his wife's phone bill was outrageous. She and my husband had been talking everyday multiple times. When my husband got home I confronted him and he said he was going to tell me. (whatever brother's wife called and told him that I knew)

 

He left that night and I called him and told to come home we needed to talk. I really wanted to work through this. He ended up coming home. he said something inside told him to come home. well the next morning that feeling was gone and he realized he was not sure he wanted to stop talking to brother's wife because it made him happy. We talked all week about how we got her very productive. Then we decided for some space.

 

I left (stupid I know) but I thought I would make it easier on him so that he could make a good decision. Well my only condition was that he does not see her.

 

I am going home tonight to talk with him and from what I am hearing from people he has made up his mind to leave me. And that infact last night had pizza with Brother's Wife.

 

What do I do? What do I say tonight? Why do I still love him?

[Lor]

L, you can't make him quit talking to her and she won't listen to you anyway--don't even bother. He should have been the one to leave, not you, since he's the one throwing out the "I don't love you" blah blah blah. she doesn't care too much about you--if she did she wouldn't have gotten together with him. You can talk to her if it'll make you feel better but don't believe a word.

 

Is your H the reason she and your brother are getting a divorce? If so, good luck then honey cuz nothing short of watching them get together and seeing the sparks fly is gonna stop it.

 

You still love him because he's been a constant in your life for so long and have so many memories together. Is that a bad thing? No. Are you really trying to tell us that one of the reasons your marriage may be over is because of your weight? Give me a break. Any H worth his salt wouldn't care, or if he did he would be supportive and understanding rather than leave. and guess what, stress is the best diet there is.

 

take things slow right now, don't push at all, no ultimatums. He wants to have his singles life, let him. Now its your turn. Use this time for yourself, listen to the advice you'll get on here and follow it, no matter how hard or gut-wrenching it may be. If he comes back, you'll be stronger and wiser. and, if not, then you'll be stronger and wiser.

 

Let us know how things are going. You've come to the right spot.

[Gunny376]

on the Dr. Phil Show yesterday, almost identical to this situation, and you're right, there is a common thread that runs through all of this. Its at best a paradox. They're all the same, and yet each one is different. The one that I'm refering to was the first part of the show: Here's the link:

 

http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/743/

[Guest-L]

So the plot took a ridiculous turn. I came home to find the pizza box a trash bag with condoms and beer. he had slept with her in my house the night before I was coming home. I kicked him out.

 

Next night, I found out that he had lied and that it was not the first time because the night I left for our "time alone" he went to a hotel by the ocean with her!

 

My husband has strong feelings for my sister-in-law. It is shocking. He thinks he wants to be with her.

 

We talked this weekend and he is still confused he says as to what he wants. But, he has made it clear that he is not ready to give sister in law up or me up... He doesn't know how to let go.

 

I feel stupid that I am even talking to him. But, is it possible he could decide that the relationship with my sister-in-law is not for him leave her. and then we could work on us?

 

I am trying not to be hopeful because it is not healthy. I am trying to keep busy and do stuff around the house. But, I have NO ONE to talk to or to make me happy.

 

So now... do I give him an ultimateum or do I still wait and let time see if he will give her up.

[Lor]

L, you really want this guy back??? Not only have they hurt you and your brother, they have totally disrespected both of you, and in your own home!

 

He's not ready to give one or the other of you up? What a louse. he can't have his cake and eat it, too. If you feel like you can rebuild your M with this man after he'd done this, then you have a lot more forgiveness and strength in you than most women. They are carrying on right in front of you and your brother, not even bothering to try and hide it...that is just plain selfish and wrong.

 

Why do I get the impression you are blaming yourself for him doing this? he's the one to blame, and so is she. You are not alone, you are here. It may seem to you right now that no one else in the world can be feeling what you are, can understand what you are going thru. We've all been there and are still here and still alive. We understand perfectly.

 

Keeping busy is good, but you need to get out, too. Don't wait for him to make up his mind, letting yourself rot while he's out living the good singles life. Imo, they sound like they deserve each other but you deserve so much better.

 

Oh, and ultimatums don't work. if you really want this pos back, make him see what he's missing.

[LakesideDream]

This is a really terrible situation. Have you thought about the possibility of an annulment? If not divorce seems very reasonable.

 

I understand that the family has had a rough time, especially with the illness and death of the Mother, however it's hard to imagine dealing with it in a more innappropriate way.

 

Why do you still "love him"? I believe this happens from habit, and from the desire not to "lose" in the situation. If you are forced to live through your life being ruined, while watching him blissfully carrying on with the "new" woman, you will feel betrayed, humiliated, and replaced. Most of us here have felt that.

 

Eventually the feeling passes. I wish you luck, your situation is bizarre, and sad.

[FolderWife]

He is confused because he loves you, but he likes her.

 

When you see him, you are hurt, and ANGRY!!! With every right. When he sees her, she is sympathetic and ready to spread her legs.

 

So on one hand you have an angry woman, and on the other hand, you have a horny happy woman.

 

Which one would YOU shack up with? That's why your husband is making the stupid choice of her. It would be too much work to work things out with you.

 

So initiate the no contact rule. Don't talk to him. Let him miss you for a while. Accept that it is over in your head, before you speak to him. If you talk to him while you are still upset and wanting him back, you will say something hateful.

 

You have every right to feel the way you feel. You are human, and you want your man back. It's in your best interest to find someone else...someone who wants just you, who needs just you, and someone you won't have to work so hard to be with. But the reason he is "confused" is because he still likes her and likes sex with her, and she is fun and supportive right now.

 

but he loves you, but you aren't any fun right now.

 

Just focus on you. when you want to call him, call ANYONE else...call your brother, he is going through the same thing. Lose that weight that you contribute to his loss of interest in you. Dye your hair. Make some changes.

 

Another thing: you are living in the same house as all the memories of him. If you chose to stay there, changes need to be made.

 

Make the living room the new bedroom...and change the linens so they look different. Put the living room furniture in the bedroom. Move stuff around.

 

When I moved back in with my husband, there were bad memories in our master bedroom, so we moved all the master furniture into the spare bedroom.

 

Little changes help make the memories less easy to remember.

 

Good luck! You're in my prayers.

[Guest - L]

Hi thank you first for responding. I know it seems so stupid to even want him back. I think I am afraid to lose him because we really were well matched.

 

I think I am in a way blaming myself which is ridiculous. We have done a lot of talking every night about how we got here. From his point of view I gained like 60 pounds 5 years ago and have since yo yo dieted with no success. He always tried to be supportive but I would always take offense because it hurt to hear. I essentially denied it and just kept trying to lose it. He told me he didn't care anymore if I lost the weight earlier this year that was when he checked out. He was not attracted to me at all and had not been for years. He feels bad and superficial but it is important to him to be attracted to his wife. I was also the only person he had slept with. So he always questioned things even before we got married because he said this was missing and he was never sure if it would come back. Once his mom died he says he realized there is not an infinite amount of time and that he felt trapped.

 

I feel bad because I agree that it is not fair that I denied him that attraction for so long. I want to be attracted to my partner. I am not stupid to say oh love me for the way I am. I am not happy with my body either and want to lose the weight so badly.

 

This is no way warrants him to reach out and form a relationship with my sister in law and then sleep with her, which of course she is skinny and beautiful but dumb as a rock.

 

We have been talking a lot. I don't hate him. There is HUGE part of me that just wants to walk out and say decision done I am leaving you. but another part feels that there is still something to fix.

 

This is ridiculous and as I write it I think I am a moron. He did agree to not sleep with her while we are still talking through this. wow what a stretch. He also has stopped talking to her as much. But, he isn't giving her up completely yet.

 

Oh yeah we are selling the house. no need to be there either of us.

 

I am ridiculous aren't I? Is this a result of a low self esteem? I am losing weight now and taking it seriously for me because I don't want to ruin any other parts of my life anymore.

[Lor]

You are making excuses for him. His mother passed away (sad as it is), you need to lose weight, he's not attracted to you....yada, yada, yada. there is no excuse on God's green earth that you could possibly give that can justify your husband sleeping with you're brother's wife. IMO, he is a total selfish jerk without regard to your feelings. And she's just as bad.

 

If he is not willing to give her up 100%, without hesitation, without your asking him to, then your relationship is at a complete standstill and will go nowhere but down. and that is his letting go mentally. Physically he says he's given her up and quit calling....the man's got a lot of proving to do.

 

You need to focus more of your energy on yourself right now. You're self-esteem is beaten down and scraping the dirt. You are blaming all this on yourself and your weight problem. Honey, you didn't push him into this; he made his own choice. It's time now to start building yourself back up--giving yourself some "you" time. Try not to worry so much about him and his internal struggles. you want your M to work which is wonderful and we do wish you the best.

[Gunny376]

Lor, I've noticed that you tend to post Mon-Fri's, during normal business hours?

 

I'd update my resume' just in case the boss installs spyware on your computer!

[Lor]

shhhhh!

[dgiirl]

lol nice thing about being in the it field, you're the one who usually installs the spyware software

[shine_like_love]

if i were you i would get the seperation papers and take it from there. there is no use to getting strung along and having him hurt you even more. its really hard to let him go i know, but if he did come back to you how will you ever be sure he will never do it to you again? my husband slept with another woman in our home, one who i made it completely apparent i did not like one bit at all before it even happend (his friends wife) his reason, he wanted me to worry and he thought i had cheated on him before we were married (never throughout our relationship had i). now look, a year and a half later we are separated, its hard at times but things always are at first. the last six months while we were going to counsling, he would leave at night when i would go to bed, not answer his cell when i called at various times during the night when i would wake up usually around 2/3AM. he would say "i was out playing my guitar in the park" yeah, i was stupid and "believed" him, love is blind, even when it was raining and his clothes were dry when he got home. don't do that to yourself, you deserve better. you deserve respect and you deserve to feel love form someone who wants you, truely loves you, and doesn't turn there back on you. it will take time, it will take more than a date or two but you will find someone, i know i will. when i am ready and you will when you are ready. but first you have to gather yourself up and take care of YOU, not we anymore. let him worry about himself if that is all he is worried about it takes two to make it work and he's not putting forth an effort.

[Guest - L]

Thank you again for talking with me. It is good to see that others are ok and are able to deal with this somehow.

 

So, I told him No more talking or seeing each other it was confusing me and not healthy. He freaked out and was like well can I call if I have questions. grrr. Then he broke down said he was making a huge mistake he would never find someone like me yada yada yada. Cried. Then when he left... guess what he did... Went out to dinner with Sister in law. What a selfish loser!

 

So, I am not talking to him anymore and boy is it hard. I mean that is the one thing about our relationship we both loved we were best friends we told each other everything (or used to). So it is so hard to not call or email. But, I am working on it.

 

Last night, I made dinner. I burst into tears when I was packing up the left overs. It was his meal his dinner. I had cooked for two.

[Lor]

Well so much for the NC with SIL.... Funny how they always say they won't call them, won't see them, then within a day, a week, a month, they're right back at it again.

 

Don't cry over leftovers; take them for your lunch the next day. But seriously, you are hurting and you are struggling but you are starting to cope. He's gonna have those days where he's afraid he's making a big mistake and he's gonna cry. Wait until the next day and his actions then before you start thinking things are turning around. He sounds just like my X; it was "I don't think I want this" one day and "I don't have the same feelings for you" the next. that's why its all yada, yada, yada.

[Guest - L]

So true Lor, one minute they are all you can't make me happy the next I will never find someone like you. AHHHHHHH He is Jekyl and Hyde.

 

I am finally starting to admit that this is REALLy happening. My brother and I went out with our grandparents last night and told them what was going on. when they heard we wanted to talk they were hoping we were both going to announce we were having babies. just awful.

 

My Boss at work knows something is up. And obviously I am acting weird. I think I am going to tell him in confidence what is happening so he does not think I am crazy or looking for another job. And maybe it will help me if he knows. But, I don't want to tell anyone else at work right now. baby steps.

 

I am going on a vacation with my mom and brother that we had planned a year ago. I was reluctant because we were there a year ago and were all happy. But, everyone keeps telling me to go for me. Husband is going to watch our dog in our house which makes me upset but nothing I can do I can't stop him from screwing sister in law I didnt want to make it easier but at this point he has already ruined the house. i am putting a lock on my bedroom door though off limits.

 

any advice from anyone about next steps... what do I do? file for divorce? wait till we sell the house? start thinking about dividing things.. what do I do? are there support groups I could physically go to to get me out of the house?

[debilou]

Was it Judge Judy who said "beauty fades, dumb is forever". Your H is doing what's typical of a man thinking with his p_ _ _ _ . Google "narcassism". I think I spelled it right.

 

Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com.

 

A good book might be "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. All the books in the world won't make it hurt any less. Been there, done that, still in it. It stinks when the person who said they would love us forever wigs out!

 

Exercise for yourself. I know you don't feel like doing anything for yourself but do it anyway. Love yourself!

 

We're here for you. He's not. NC was extremely difficult for me. I wanted to believe everything he said.

 

Take care, Debilou

[shine_like_love]

-- are you sure we weren't married to the same man? LOL, sounds so familiar. men, there are very few that are not like that. and how do i know from coming on here and reading posts. good men are few and far in between. -- i couldn't find a physical support group in my area which is what brought me here. this place is awesome because you can come on when you want and talk to people;from all over the place who are full of information and a wealth of knowledge. like me=> thank god for Gunny and everyone else. most of all try not to let your husband get to you. i have been letting mine get to me and i realize i am just letting him bring me down and making me out to be a vengefull b*tch. when they get to you, i think they rather enjoy it and its not worth our time. just do the baby steps. don't put too much on your plate, try to find things YOU enjoy to do. look for like crafts you can do, clubs to join, and good books to read at night: things like that. take down all your pictures that have him in them. at night is when you will get lonely more than anything else, but you are lucky like me and have a dog. they are the best companions, they will stick with you through thick and thin. see if any girls at work want to go out to dinner or for a drink, you can get soda or something if you don't drink like i do. it will get you out of the house. we go to an old mens club, that way there isn't guys hittin' on ya all the time. because you are going to start to feel like you don't want anything to do with men. i have 3 male friends that i talk to and that is because i have known them for 5+ years. plus, my brother-in-law, he is awesome. thats just some ideas i have thought of for myself, hopefully they will help you out. oh and as Gunny has said, box his crap up and put it away. its not good to come home and have it laying all over making you misriable. put special things that you want in your bedroom and lock it up so that he cannot take it when you are away.

[Lor]

Talk to your boss; I did and it made things so much easier for me at work. And they won't tell anyone else....if they're a decent boss. You're personal life is supposed to be just that but sometimes, in cases like this, there's nothing you can do about it. so let him know why your performance has (probably) slipped. It will ease his mind, too.

 

Yes, ma'am! Do the vacation and have a great time!! Lock the door, great idea. Next step? Time to see a lawyer, time to start looking out for A#1--you and only you. Get rid of his stuff. And take things one day at a time.

[Sup]

Are you planning on a Divorce? Have you met with a Lawyer yet? If you are you need to get your ducks in a row to leave your husband, I don't think this is going to end anytime soon unfortunatly. So do what you can do to get ready, and you and your brother can help each other out in this mess, providing information, talking, etc. So how are you and your brother doing?

[Guest- L]

Each day is hard in an unimaginable way.

 

Thank you for writing you guys! I agree my Husband is not thinking with the appropriate head. I will also look up that book because I need something to try to put this into perspective.

 

My mom's whole family knows and now they want to offer me advice. Everyone thinks I am CRAZY for letting him stay at the house while brother and I are in Jamaica.

 

I don't WANT him there. But, Husband is being a jerk about it and is fighting to be there when I am not there. I know it is so that him and sister in law can play house. *vomit*

 

But, what other choice do I have. I can't stop them from seeing each other but, I am making it easier. Brother says he will be thinking about it too when we are away so then I felt bad. grrrr. what to do?

 

I am trying to take care of myself and exercising is a nice release. I am also fighting urges to contact him. SO HARD! I cried the whole way to work today.

 

I hear yeah I feel like I am going to me anti-men for a while just until I can fix me and feel like I can trust people again.

 

Brother is pretty good he is in a different place because they agreed to get a divorce together before this all came out. he is still hurt but he had already let go. I need to find a way to Let go of husband.

 

Does this really get easier... or is this something I will think of for the rest of my life...

[Lor]

Is he still living in the house with you? If so, then yeah, he does have a "right" to be there. Go ahead and vomit everyone.

 

If he's out of the house, change the locks before you go and have a friend babysit the dog. real easy to do, bet your brother would help. Let them play house somewhere else. He has no right, none, nada, zilch to be doing that in your home, whether you are there or not.

 

I've cried on my way in to work, at my desk all day, and all the way home. Many many times. Its natural and normal. and yes, believe it or not, it does and will get better with time. That is the key--time. It is so important right now for your emotional well being to focus on yourself--it does several things, like taking your mind off of them, the pain of your brother, and your own pain. even for a little while.

[Lor]

....oh and will you think of this for the rest of your life? Well, yeah.....if you don't, you haven't learned anything.

[Guest]

....oh and will you think of this for the rest of your life? Well, yeah.....if you don't, you haven't learned anything.

 

This weekend was tough. I tried to keep busy. Friday I was home alone that was tough had a little wine and then cried to sleep. Saturday I went out with people in the city and did stuff there. Then had dinner at my mom's

 

Sunday I had an open house to sell my house. But, then Sunday night last night was so awful. I felt so alone. like I wanted to so bad to tell husband about what I had done that weekend and share it with him as I did with everything. And I was eating dinner alone and watching tv and just felt so alone.

 

I just can't believe he is just gone. I mean it happened so fast. I really cannot believe he could just leave me behind like that. it hurts so bad right now.

 

And every time I am alone and sad I think that he is with my my sister in law having fun. and I just cry.

[Lor]

Sounds like you did a good job of keeping yourself occupied; better than I would have done at this stage.

 

I think this is the worse way for things to happen--when the SO doesn't bother to fill the W/H in on the fact that they aren't happy in the relationship and you get hit with the proverbial sledgehammer. It would be easier if you hated each other, if you could hate him, if you fought bloody waging wars every day. But you can't and you won't. You have a great amount of compassion in you--after all this slimebag (sorry) had done to you, you still cry for him. That will serve you in the long run and keep you from becoming bitter.

 

but you are a strong person, whether you believe right now that you are or not. And strong women are allowed to cry. You can't try and hold onto him--he doesn't want that no matter what the impression he gives sometimes. If he did, he wouldn't be gone and you wouldn't be eating by yourself. People are human and they make mistakes but he wants his marriage and his fling and you can't have both!

 

I'll keep repeating it till I'm blue in the face to you; they have both shown total disrespect for you and your brother, not just once but several times. They are not worth one of your tears!