KrisMuseumGirl Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 To those of you that have responded to my previous posts, I want to thank you. You were all very rough, but it was really what I needed to hear. A burst of reality that hurt, but like the medicine tasting terrible but you need to take it to be cured. I need more help, so please induldge me. I read all your responses and then had a conversation with him this am. We talk every morning. I chatted on about one of my passions which is horses. Normally we talk about what ever turns HIM on and I try to be a supportive interested friend. This am, I was telling him a story about something I was interested in (My horse). It was a cute, dopey little amuzing story. He laughed but then stated "that's why I hate horses, they sh*t" Between all the information I'm reading on this site, the advice all of you have given me and then realizing that he dosen't care about MY passions, only his, I felt a cold sobering reality of "everyone is right. Why am I doing this? This guy dosen't even know who I am never mind be my real soul mate". Horses are my greatest passion and it's a HUGE that he hates them because they do number two. How dumb. So anyway, I want to tell him "goodbye" to get him out of my way so I can decide on my own if I want to stay married. Although I'm serious, I'm not a fan of hurting anyone especially not him. We truly have been through alot together including losing our jobs over our relationship. We used to be brokers at a very lucrative trading firm and was quickly let go when our affair became known. It was terrifying, embarrassing and painful financially. We stayed together in spite of it all and supported each other into new careers. Alot of time has past and now that we're healed and gainfully employed again the timing is good to call it to an end. I really don't want to hurt him though. He has been through enough. On throught I had was to continue to be friends on the phone, but never agreeing to meet him, but I'm thinking that is just a temporary solution. I want to move on with my life. I want to be happy. I want to be real. I appreciate any advice you guys can give me and feel free to be a little gentler this time! :-)
Walking away Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Dear friend, Congratulations on getting to the point where you realize that this relationship is toxic to you. I would tell him exactly what you have told us and then gracefully exit the affair. Grace and dignity are what is called for in this situation. You appear to be very level headed which is good. You are going to go through some emotions that may surprise you once you are out of the affair. Prepare for them. Even though you want out, you may find that you crave him. Prepare for that. Know that it will pass. I, and many others, have walked where you are walking and don't for one second regret the decision to leave a relationship that was beneath us emotionally. Congratulations. Today is the beginning of the rest of your life. WA
superconductor Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 I want to be happy. I want to be real. First of all, happiness is not something that happens to you because of circumstances; happiness is something you bring to circumstances. Same with "being real" (whatever that means, though I get the sense that Kris means that it's being integrated and aligned with your true self). It's not something that happens to you, it's something that you are or aren't, depending on your personality and the circumstances in which you are placed. There is, of course, no easy, hurt-free way of telling your SO that you're through with them. Best you can do is be direct, clear and unequivocal. That doesn't mean cruel and heartless, but it does mean that there's no prevarication, no second-guessing, no hidden meanings, no mixed messages. Good luck.
FallenPetals Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 No matter how you scratch it when a relationship ends someone is going to get hurt. I think a NC is in order until sufficient time comes that you two can talk again without all the old feelings being dredged up. I would calmly and rationally tell him that you don't see a future with him and that even though you've had some good, tough, and trying times that you'll always have fond memories but you're at a place in your life that you feel the need to move on. Yes he will be hurt, and you will feel some pain too, but it needs to be done. When I was married the first time I had the duty of telling my now ex husband that I didn't want to be married to him anymore, let me tell you it was tough but I knew what I wanted and having a affair was not a option. I did the right thing and sat him down and told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore and of course he pleaded and he made good defensive statements but I knew in my heart that it wasn't working. The noble thing to do is to be honest, tactful, and just do it. I hope this helps and good luck.
Jane Doe Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 I haven't read your other thread yet (I just joined) but I don't see where you need to provide a long speech or explanation. Simply tell him you don't wish to have contact with him anymore and that you're moving on. Period. There's no need for lengthy discussions, good-byes, or "closure." Closure is overrated, I've found. The hard part for you won't be the ending it, but the no contact. If you really want to end it (and I'm not completely convinced you do), that means you cannot, under any circumstances, have contact with him. You'll need to block him from IMs and emails and either change your phone number or block his number. Otherwise the temptation will be too great. Unless you're 150% ready to end it, don't tell him you're severing ties. If you do and then continue talking to him, you've lost all credibility.
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