Update on NC: how can I be stronger?

[PoshPrincess]

Back from my holiday now. Last spoke to MM two weeks ago today but have had a few relapses here and there. After that conversation I felt more philosophical. We'd had a really nice chat and I felt that we'd come to an understanding re NC. I thought I could do it as he had specifically requested me to and knew we both had to be strong. This wasn't just about me and my feelings this time.

 

That weekend I did ok. On the Monday (the day of my holiday) I popped into town to do some last minute shopping. On the way back I passed him in the car. By the time I'd got in the house my phone was ringing and I knew from the caller display that it was him. As tempted as I was there was no way I was going to answer as I knew it would be a total head f**k and I didn't need to go away feeling like that. Of course, the next day, lying by the pool in Turkey with a few too many drinks inside me I texted him. Nothing major but he texted back asking if I was ok. I was kinda like, "Course, why wouldn't I be?" He replied "I saw you yesterday. Be careful, there are a lot of w**kers out there - yeah, worse than me! Take care have fun". Of course, that did my head in even more. I ended up calling him but he didn't answer so I left a voicemail.

 

That was Tuesday. By the Friday, with some help from my friend, I decided to text him and tell him he was out of order for phoning me on the Monday and could he please leave me alone like we agreed as he was seriously f**king with my head. I didn't get a reply and honestly didn't want one as knew I would then be tempted to send another back, leading to me feeling more frustrated when he didn't reply to that.

 

V depressed and anxious coming home from hols and worried how I would cope with the NC. He's off to a gig tonight and I know from a friend that he is not going with W and kids. Initially the four tickets were for him, kids and 'probably his sister' (although I didn't believe him at the time) but I thought that now things have changed he would definitely be taking W. Made me feel a bit better to know that he wasn't. Maybe he made a point of telling my friend that, knowing she would pass it on to may, though what he felt it would achieve I don't know. Ended up texting him this morning saying "do not reply" and wishing him a good time, saying "think of me when Robbie does Advertising Space, haha" as I know it reminds him of me! Don't help myself do I?

 

Missing him like mad. How can I be stronger? It's his 40th in a few weeks and know that as I have nowhere to send him a card I will end up texting. Really thought we'd be together for that too which is so hard!!!! Aaarghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am SO frustrated with all this.

[KrisMuseumGirl]

I, too, am trying to get rid of (oops! I mean) NC with a MM. The things that work for me is occupying my mind with physical activity (IE: working out or riding my bike), going out with family and friends, planning parties, going to the dog park and meeting new people, taking a class or whatever. The best thing to do is feel good about yourself and know that you're better than that slug. Trust me, I'm not always this confident. I often go through weaknesses but when I feel good, I feel REAL good and it's easy to leave him in the archives.

 

Another very effective tool is to picture him during those times where he embarrassed himself with the feeling of "ugh, what was I thinking when I thought I loved this guy?" I picture my MM when's he's made stupid faces (not intentionally), tripped over something, wore something stupid or whatever. My favorite is one time his breath smelt like fish and he loves to wear Polo. So whenever I was mad at him I used to call him a "Polo slathered fish" !!! So now that I'm trying to forget him, I picture all of the above. I'll even share with you that he used to scream at the top of his lungs during sex and I used to always think to myself "what the...?" He would scream so loud that I think he scared the pigeons off the roof! It was really weird! And I, for some reason, used to die of embarrassment convinced someone must be able to hear it! That one cracks me up and I use it often.

 

Good luck Kiddo! Breaking up is hard to do, but when ya gotta do it, ya gotta do it. So do it anyway you can. Think of how stupid he looks and it should make it a little easier on you! :-)

[BenThereDunThat]

I, too, am trying to get rid of (oops! I mean) NC with a MM. The things that work for me is occupying my mind with physical activity (IE: working out or riding my bike), going out with family and friends, planning parties, going to the dog park and meeting new people, taking a class or whatever. The best thing to do is feel good about yourself and know that you're better than that slug. Trust me, I'm not always this confident. I often go through weaknesses but when I feel good, I feel REAL good and it's easy to leave him in the archives.

 

Another very effective tool is to picture him during those times where he embarrassed himself with the feeling of "ugh, what was I thinking when I thought I loved this guy?" I picture my MM when's he's made stupid faces (not intentionally), tripped over something, wore something stupid or whatever. My favorite is one time his breath smelt like fish and he loves to wear Polo. So whenever I was mad at him I used to call him a "Polo slathered fish" !!! So now that I'm trying to forget him, I picture all of the above. I'll even share with you that he used to scream at the top of his lungs during sex and I used to always think to myself "what the...?" He would scream so loud that I think he scared the pigeons off the roof! It was really weird! And I, for some reason, used to die of embarrassment convinced someone must be able to hear it! That one cracks me up and I use it often.

 

Good luck Kiddo! Breaking up is hard to do, but when ya gotta do it, ya gotta do it. So do it anyway you can. Think of how stupid he looks and it should make it a little easier on you! :-)

 

Crack me up!!! I am dying over here!!

 

And I agree. Picturing mine at his worst, or even making some stuff up myself, did a lot to help me stay strong.

[PoshPrincess]

Thanks guys. You're right about the keeping busy thing. I try to do that as much as possible. I find things easier at work and evenings/weekends when my son is with his father. It's a lot harder after work when my son is in bed and I am home alone. MM used to call me every evening which I really looked forward to but now I have to get used to not having that contact. I need to find things to do indoors and I do have things I could get on with but have been finding it very hard to motivate myself. I find that I am sometimes leaving necessary housework type things which isn't good, plus I can't seem to concentrate on reading/TV too much. I'm sure you know what it's like; you try your best but then something pops up that makes you think about MM again.

 

As for finding things to laugh about re MM, that's a very good idea. I am still at the 'thinking everything about him is wonderful' stage but I know that it will come in time and I guess he has as many imperfections as anyone else. We only had sex once, although it was a PA as well as an EA and typically, in bed he was the best I have ever had by far, which is maybe why I am finding it that much harder to get over.

 

I have found that focusing more on his W rather than him helps as I try and put myself in her shoes. If I feel like this, just think how bad she must be feeling - if she still loves him, which I am assuming she does!

 

I had a fairly good day yesterday although not sure why, but when my son woke me at 5 this morning I ended up crying my eyes out again (after he had gone back to sleep). Tiredness doesn't help of course and I have been finding sleeping quite difficult at times. No doubt you have all been there!

 

Have had about four counselling sessions now but I can't work out if they're helping. For those of you who have tried this, what are your thoughts and experiences? I just seem to talk and talk about the sitch but what I need is some good advice, some insight into why I got myself into the A in the first place and what I can do to avoid it happening again (although I don't think the latter will be a problem as I really have learned my lesson on that score). Never what to go through the pain again that I am feeling now.

 

At least posting on this site helps. Lots of others who have been through the same thing at some stage plus some very amusing comments that have me in stitches! Perhaps I should get online at home as well as at work; this would keep me occupied in the evenings!

[lovernotafighter]

I wish I had good advice PP..NC for me is a nightmare,working with MM.

 

I am at the same stage where I was thinking there isn't really anything about my MM to laugh at. I loved everything about him.

 

the first time we had sex was terrible though..but everytime he tried so hard to be perfect that eventually he was the best I could ever hope for, really amazing.

 

thinking about what a fool he is (and me) and thinking about his poor wife has helped me to.

 

I start asking myself questions and try to remind myself "why? it's over,it doesn't matter any more any way..."

 

I'm not getting any help because my MM got me on FF league and this week his best friend has been e-mailing me everyday and he has no idea about my MM and I going NC.

 

in fact he wants to meet me! I don't know what to say and am going to have talk with MM about this eventually.

 

*sigh*