Just Stop

[soooomestup]

Im trying to get OM out of my life but deep down inside I dont want to, but I have to but then i want to YES VERY CONFUSED. I'm sure anyone in my shoes will know how it feels to want to talk to OM or OW. It truelly feels like an addiction. I feel like its my drug!! Anyone got any tips on how i can delete him from my msn and keep him deleated and get him out of my life and out of my mind!!! I know its easier said than done. I wanna hear from people in my position. I have a feeling i just need to get past the first couple of weeks. I think ok just delete him, just dont call him or answer his calls. But then I have a moment of weakness and i'll add him to my msn again. I have added and deleated him 3 times today and its only 430pm at the moment he is deleated.

[Marcus as the Peanut]

If you use MSN.. There is a block function that you can use!

 

And it can also be usefull if he is marriad to threten to expose him to his wife.

And do that in an email....

[Movin On]

Hi. I feel your pain! I really do.

 

I am where you are, well, at least I was. It's been three weeks now, and it's so hard. We are both married and agreed no more contact. Ever. During the affair she was much more into me than me into her. Maybe she is cool now or maybe not. Contacting her would be so rude and would probably only prolong the pain. Affairs are bad. bad. bad.

 

What you are experiencing IS withdrawal, the same as a cocaine or heroin addiction. I can tell you it gets easier and easier every few days.

 

For me, it's three weeks. I still think of her a lot. It's still the #1 thing on my mind. It's still upsetting how I let her "get into my brain" like this. It's very tough.

 

During our short affair, I thought all my feelings were in check. Little did I know our ending would be so tough.

 

But it DOES get easier each day. There are lots of hormones in your head spinning around. It's not magic and it's not love. It's a chemical addiction. The chemicals disappear slowly and surely.

 

I just wish the romance would have taken its course -- instead we got cut off at the height of the passion, so I know how that addiction and withdrawal feels. It sucks.

 

But PLEASE trust me. It gets easier. Sometimes I can go 15 minutes without thinking about her! haha..

 

Hang in there. we are here for each other.

 

no contact is important so the addiction stops. Like a smoker who has quit for a few days, you CANNOT have another cigarette!

[soooomestup]

Yea it sure is tough!! Sometimes i feel like if i compleatly erase him from my life it will be HARDER!! In a way im hoping that if i keep him on my msn and dont attempt to msg him I will slowly slowly slowly get over him. The reason I think this is because 2 and half years of the 4 years we have been broken up i had no contact with him what so ever and i still couldnt forget him. Its been 4 years that I have thought of this man every day i have seen counsellors spoken to my spouse about it nothing helps. Sometimes i think i should just accept the fact that i will never get over him and just live with it forever. How depressing!!

[whichwayisup]

Fact is, sometime soon you MUST make the decision to stop. I know you don't want to, and that is why you're having a harder time letting go. Think of it like quitting smoking. He's a bad habit for you, only brings bad and unhealthy feelings into your life. Either quit cold turkey or slowly detach yourself!

 

You're only hurting yourself more and more by not fighting hard to stop.

 

You think of him daily, almost like an obsession...So, try therapy again, though see a therapist who specializes in cognitive behaviour therapy - This way your obsessive thoughts can stop. You'll learn how to control your thoughts, change your way of thinking, reacting and handling things.

[soooomestup]

Hummm interesting I will try to do some research and find out if i can find someone to help me again that specialises in what im going through. I have a feeling i will find it hard to find someone and its sooooo expensive. I dont have insurance and I am super tight for money... I cant see myself spending a hundred dollars a week on therapy! I dont know why but sometimes i even feel the need to lie or hide my feelings from my counsellor its so wierd. I tell myself to just be honest im in serious denial I think!!

[whichwayisup]

Lying to a therapist isn't good, it defeats the whole purpose of getting better. Until you're ready to face yourself in the mirror, take responsibility for your actions and own up to this, things won't change. You are in denial, you're protecting yourself and have gotten used to this lifestyle. Yet, deep inside I think you know what you have to do.

 

You're married, right? Just think of how much you have to lose. Everything that you're used to, lifestyle, house, possibly kids - changing their lives as they know it.

[InaPanic]

Hummm interesting I will try to do some research and find out if i can find someone to help me again that specialises in what im going through. I have a feeling i will find it hard to find someone and its sooooo expensive. I dont have insurance and I am super tight for money... I cant see myself spending a hundred dollars a week on therapy! I dont know why but sometimes i even feel the need to lie or hide my feelings from my counsellor its so wierd. I tell myself to just be honest im in serious denial I think!!

 

God, SMU, we are the same person i believe. I have not seeked therapy yet, well, i have seeked it I just can't afford it. Also no insurance. Plus i wanted instant relief. I just couldn't see going to a therapist once a week was going to help me NOW which is what i needed. As you know i already told my H of my affair from my thread that you have posted on. So it sounds like i am just slightly further down the road than you. I still think of OM a lot but to be honest, after confessing I found it almost like an elephant of pain, worry, anxiety & frustration was lifted off of me. Maybe guilt is eating at you more than anything.

I'm not sure if we are allowed to do this but please feel free to email me at [email protected]. if they erase this email then you can join LS for one month for $2.50 & then we can send PM (private messages) to each other.

anyway i feel for you & i think maybe we could help each other thru this some as our situations seem very very similar.

Best of luck with NC. It's a bitch!

[angel15]

Hi. Just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. I thought I was the only one who obsessively deleted and added my OM on MSN haha. Have done it so many times I have lost count.

 

Sorry that I don't have any tips on how to stop thinking of him. I still think about my OM every single day, and I don't know if it will ever stop. It really is like a drug. I am trying to focus on the fact that he is moving on with his life and is probably dating another person as we speak. So I tell myself that if I distance myself from him I won't have to hear all about the person who has replaced me.

 

I know I brought this all upon myself, but it really hurts nevertheless. Somedays are better, somedays are worse, but so far, he is still completely in my system.

 

At least you are trying to stop contact. That's a good start. All the best to you!

[soooomestup]

hehe nah Angel your definatly not the only one!!! We just must be nuts!! Yea i definatly feel like we are goin through such similar situations IAP thats why i love reading your posts, it really helps so thank you. I will definatly email you once i get an opportunity. And yea i know I am being so stupid when i lie to my counsellor, i know it but i still do it. DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL I think i will try to slowly detach myself. I'm pretty sure if i go cold turkey i wont be able to do it. Thanks everyone for ur advice, it keeps me going

[Owl]

SMU-

 

I don't see anything at all in here about your H. Is he aware of the affair? Have you told him what you're feeling/dealing with?

 

My wife went through exactly the same thing at the end of HER affair. And I actually 'nursed' her through the withdrawl from the end of it.

 

You need a PLAN to deal with this. And the best way to get there is with your H's help.

 

Last thing. You CANNOT end an addiction (and that is what this is) by weaning off it. You HAVE TO do cold turkey...or you'll just end up prolonging the addiction.

 

START NOW. Remove MSN from your computer. Delete YOUR MSN account, so OM can't contact you. Ask your H to put a keylogger on your computer to keep you from contacting OM. Change your cell #, whatever else you have to do to MAKE THIS WORK NOW.

 

And get counseling...marriage counseling with someone who understands the whole process of infidelity, and it's impacts on the individuals and the marriage.

 

Trust me, I know of what I speak (ok...type! ).

[FrogWart]

Giving up the MM is REAL hard. I saw some advice given by KrisMuseumGirl which made me laugh but sounded effective. Basically she said to picture the guy in all his embarrassing moments or remember all the things that made you wonder "what am I thinking by being with this guy?" like when he did selfish things etc. When I do that I'm successful, but also have to admit there are also many more times I am reminded of very endearing moments and I go through SERIOUS withdrawal. I'm glad you posted this question, because I too am looking forward to the answers. I guess the best advice I could give is to conentrate on real relationships like family or (if your married) your H.

 

I feel your pain. I wish we both get passed it.

[scaredinlove]

Im trying to get OM out of my life but deep down inside I dont want to, but I have to but then i want to YES VERY CONFUSED. I'm sure anyone in my shoes will know how it feels to want to talk to OM or OW. It truelly feels like an addiction. I feel like its my drug!! Anyone got any tips on how i can delete him from my msn and keep him deleated and get him out of my life and out of my mind!!! I know its easier said than done. I wanna hear from people in my position. I have a feeling i just need to get past the first couple of weeks. I think ok just delete him, just dont call him or answer his calls. But then I have a moment of weakness and i'll add him to my msn again. I have added and deleated him 3 times today and its only 430pm at the moment he is deleated.

 

Maybe I wrote this post and forgot about it....It sure sounds like me. This week I broke up with my MM twice and made up again. I even posted that I was over him in the morning in the afternoon I was in bed with him.It sure is like a addiction. I don't know what you have to do, maybe you just have to quit little by little instead of cold turkey.That is my new aproach now.Intead of talking to him 5 times a day I went to 2 ,and I am trying to have less and less contact, keep weaning myself litle by little.But I there is somthing inside me screeming DON'T LIVE HIM!!!. I know what you feel.Just keep trying.Good Luck.

[soooomestup]

SMU-

 

I don't see anything at all in here about your H. Is he aware of the affair? Have you told him what you're feeling/dealing with?

 

My wife went through exactly the same thing at the end of HER affair. And I actually 'nursed' her through the withdrawl from the end of it.

 

You need a PLAN to deal with this. And the best way to get there is with your H's help.

 

Last thing. You CANNOT end an addiction (and that is what this is) by weaning off it. You HAVE TO do cold turkey...or you'll just end up prolonging the addiction.

 

START NOW. Remove MSN from your computer. Delete YOUR MSN account, so OM can't contact you. Ask your H to put a keylogger on your computer to keep you from contacting OM. Change your cell #, whatever else you have to do to MAKE THIS WORK NOW.

 

And get counseling...marriage counseling with someone who understands the whole process of infidelity, and it's impacts on the individuals and the marriage.

 

Trust me, I know of what I speak (ok...type! ).

 

 

I havent said anything about my husband because as bad as it sounds, I dont feel that guilty. It's so wierd because it doesnt feel like it happened, It truelly feels like i had a dream afew nights ago that I slept with my ex. Possibly because I was expecting multiple orgasms and didnt even have one. I dont plan to ever tell him anything i did. I truelly dont see how it would help.

I cant go cold turkey i try but i just keep adding him, Im gona try do it slowly. I understand everything ur saying but its one of those easier said than done things. Thanks so much for ur input though, everything helps.

[Adunaphel]

Would OM try to contact you if you decided to go cold turkey?

 

Since you end up adding him to msn again every time you delete him, I wonder if your OM would be willing to cooperate.

 

Ask him to delete and block you, then delete and block him yourself.

 

Is OM married? Is he in love with you?

Can you make up some story/pull some stunt that would scare him away and/or make him decide that he'd be up for too much trouble if you continue hearing from each other?

(I'm all for drastic measures when the circumstances require them)

[BenThereDunThat]

oh.my.god. I thought I was the only one who did the add/delete dance! But that feels like so long ago now (couple months? can't even remember!) I ended up having to tell him to block me. He tried adding me back in once after that (said he uploaded some new software and it did it automatically - lol)

 

You're going to get to a point where you just hit that wall, and that's when it starts to slowly get easier. That's not to say I still don't struggle from time to time. But I can promise you it does get easier - you just have to really, really want it. Your inner peace is worth it!

 

I even work with mine and I still did it!

 

Hang in there.

[soooomestup]

Giving up the MM is REAL hard. I saw some advice given by KrisMuseumGirl which made me laugh but sounded effective. Basically she said to picture the guy in all his embarrassing moments or remember all the things that made you wonder "what am I thinking by being with this guy?" like when he did selfish things etc. When I do that I'm successful, but also have to admit there are also many more times I am reminded of very endearing moments and I go through SERIOUS withdrawal. I'm glad you posted this question, because I too am looking forward to the answers. I guess the best advice I could give is to conentrate on real relationships like family or (if your married) your H.

 

I feel your pain. I wish we both get passed it.

 

 

Oh my gosh well this guy was my ex from 4 years ago and when we first slept together he got nervous and couldnt get it up... So anyways the main reason I slept with him the other day was because we used to flirt alot and he built the sex up to be this amazing thing... Turns out I didnt really feel much of a connection. He was very much into pleasing me first but I didnt feel that ya know horny feeling!!! When we started having sex it went for a full 2 minutes and he had to pull out because he was gona ya know!!! I was pretty upset that I cheated on my husband FOR THAT!!! But not even that makes me think stuff ya!! It's so wierd because I promise you it's not HIM. I know he is an *******. I'm dealing with a full addiction!!!

[soooomestup]

Maybe I wrote this post and forgot about it....It sure sounds like me. This week I broke up with my MM twice and made up again. I even posted that I was over him in the morning in the afternoon I was in bed with him.It sure is like a addiction. I don't know what you have to do, maybe you just have to quit little by little instead of cold turkey.That is my new aproach now.Intead of talking to him 5 times a day I went to 2 ,and I am trying to have less and less contact, keep weaning myself litle by little.But I there is somthing inside me screeming DON'T LIVE HIM!!!. I know what you feel.Just keep trying.Good Luck.

 

 

Yea Thats one thing I try not to do, I try not to convince myself i'm over it. For some reason it just sorta numbs it if u know what I mean. Then i;m right back where I started. But thanks I will keep trying

[soooomestup]

Would OM try to contact you if you decided to go cold turkey?

 

Since you end up adding him to msn again every time you delete him, I wonder if your OM would be willing to cooperate.

 

Ask him to delete and block you, then delete and block him yourself.

 

Is OM married? Is he in love with you?

Can you make up some story/pull some stunt that would scare him away and/or make him decide that he'd be up for too much trouble if you continue hearing from each other?

(I'm all for drastic measures when the circumstances require them)

 

Im sure he would call me or msg me on my phone if i dissapeared. I have considered asking him to delete me but i'm so scared i'll regret it and i'll want him even more. I know what im like... I'm crazy sometimes and I dont have the strength to put my foot down and not feel bad or have regrets after it. He isnt married and i'm possitive he doesnt give that much of a **** about me. He may be upset for a moment if i died but other than that he just wants me for sex. He says that he has never had anyone as good as me in bed and that no one can gve head as well as i do. Im not being full of myself guys I swear im just telling u how it is. I'm still contemplating on writing him a never contact me again email but at the same time I dont want to give him the satisfaction that he is worth an email. Im crazy!!!

[soooomestup]

oh.my.god. I thought I was the only one who did the add/delete dance! But that feels like so long ago now (couple months? can't even remember!) I ended up having to tell him to block me. He tried adding me back in once after that (said he uploaded some new software and it did it automatically - lol)

 

You're going to get to a point where you just hit that wall, and that's when it starts to slowly get easier. That's not to say I still don't struggle from time to time. But I can promise you it does get easier - you just have to really, really want it. Your inner peace is worth it!

 

I even work with mine and I still did it!

 

Hang in there.

 

Hummm yes I'm kinda over the adding deleating thing at the moment, I hav a feeling its just puling me in deeper. At the moment I'm trying to just keep him on my msn and slowly drift away. I never speak to him first because I get scared that he wont wanna talk to me. I feel like he plays games with me because sometimes he takes forever to answer me all the time and he will always says flirty coments just b4 he goes off line. OMG and all that drives me even more nuts. The other night when i was at his house he was telling me about this girl he was seeing and saying that she is getting too clingy. She called while I was there and put her on speaker phone and was kinda makin fun of her to me. I started thinking a couple of days later WHAT AN ASS HOLE this poor girl is in love with him and he is makin fun of her to me. He has told her he doesnt want a relationship... but u know girls!!! ARGHHHHH i'm getin so angry just thinkin about it now!!! I know i pretty much suck ass for doing what i did nobody needs to tell me how much of a horrible person I am because I already know. But man i'm being played so hard right now arent I. He got what he wanted and now I'm stuffed!!!

[Adunaphel]

The good part is that:

 

- he does not care about you (it will make things easier for you), he just cares about the sex.

- you are aware of this.

 

The bad part is that:

- he has nothing to lose if he tells someone about your affair.

Is he of the big-mouthed kind?

 

I have considered asking him to delete me but i'm so scared i'll regret it and i'll want him even more.

 

One more reason to ask him.

 

He says that he has never had anyone as good as me in bed and that no one can gve head as well as i do. Im not being full of myself guys I swear im just telling u how it is.

 

You don't sound like someone who is full of herself, but unfortunately you sound like you are still very much into him.

What he said to you is not really a compliment. It sounds like a nice thing to say to you because you are still under his spell.

 

You should concentrate on your real problem: your marriage.

Whether to tell your H or not, and how to minimize the risk that OM will spill beans.

 

I stick to my suggestion of telling OM something that will scare him away (and possibly making him keep his mouth of shut).

 

Something along the line that your H is very jealous, collects firearms, has a lot of freinds/relatives that work in the police or in the legal field and is starting to suspect something.

 

Oh, well, that was a lame idea. I'm sure you could come up with something better. What is important is that you make OM lose interest in you (and in bragging about the fact that he had an affair with you) as fast as possible.

 

I would tell H, though.

[InaPanic]

ya know when i first got back in town from my second meeting with OM i didn't think i felt guilty at first either. And for the weeks that followed & i kept going downhill mentally & physically it felt like it was ALL about the OM & I, me obsessing about us being together, me wanting him back in my life like he was. He was pulling away, probably because i was suddenly acting like a nut case & like i HAD to have him & because he saw the reality of the situation that we could NOT be together because of family obligations & distance. Anyway the more he pulled away the more obsessed i got but it never seemed to feel like guilt. It seemed very self absorbed. But i have to tell you that after i told my husband i seemed to get better. Now i'm not even saying i suggest you tell him. I can see what i have done to him & I honestly wish often i hadn't told him. But i think a lot of my driven obsession towards OM was the guilt in me. I cannot even explain that but it has helped me start getting back to me. This is also not to say that i have totally forgotten OM at this point. I have not at all. He still IM's me & stuff. I also thought the slow weening of him out of my life might help but there are pros & cons to both that & the NC.

I wish i could help you more because our situations are so similar. But i am still going thru a lot of what you are except my A is over. And possibly my marriage.

[soooomestup]

The good part is that:

 

- he does not care about you (it will make things easier for you), he just cares about the sex.

- you are aware of this.

 

The bad part is that:

- he has nothing to lose if he tells someone about your affair.

Is he of the big-mouthed kind?

 

 

 

One more reason to ask him.

 

 

 

You don't sound like someone who is full of herself, but unfortunately you sound like you are still very much into him.

What he said to you is not really a compliment. It sounds like a nice thing to say to you because you are still under his spell.

 

You should concentrate on your real problem: your marriage.

Whether to tell your H or not, and how to minimize the risk that OM will spill beans.

 

I stick to my suggestion of telling OM something that will scare him away (and possibly making him keep his mouth of shut).

 

Something along the line that your H is very jealous, collects firearms, has a lot of freinds/relatives that work in the police or in the legal field and is starting to suspect something.

 

Oh, well, that was a lame idea. I'm sure you could come up with something better. What is important is that you make OM lose interest in you (and in bragging about the fact that he had an affair with you) as fast as possible.

 

I would tell H, though.

 

Ok I just wrote him a super long email explaining everything (such a girl thing to do how anoying) I havent sent it yet because now you have me freaked out that he will say something. He doesnt know any of my friends or really hav any way of telling my husband... but WHAT IF. Some of the things I say in my email may seem cruel maybe he will get angry with me and make it his objective to screw me.... again!!! (ok that wasnt funny) I cant lie about cops and guns lol he knows me too well. And besides I want him to know that he bloody hurt me in the past and recently. there are so many other sides to our relationship. I had a medical problem and as soon as he found out he broke up with me all those years ago. One day he loved me and I thought everything was ok. the next he treated me like I had the ebolla virus it was the worst time in my life and i swear i almost killed myself many times. Not only did I have to deal with my medical condition that i had just found out about... but the guy i thought loved me... obviously didnt.... I AM SO STUPID what is with me!!! and now i feel bad cos im being selfish... ok everyone im perfectly aware i brought all this on myself.. I know im terrible but I just have to vent!!!

[soooomestup]

ya know when i first got back in town from my second meeting with OM i didn't think i felt guilty at first either. And for the weeks that followed & i kept going downhill mentally & physically it felt like it was ALL about the OM & I, me obsessing about us being together, me wanting him back in my life like he was. He was pulling away, probably because i was suddenly acting like a nut case & like i HAD to have him & because he saw the reality of the situation that we could NOT be together because of family obligations & distance. Anyway the more he pulled away the more obsessed i got but it never seemed to feel like guilt. It seemed very self absorbed. But i have to tell you that after i told my husband i seemed to get better. Now i'm not even saying i suggest you tell him. I can see what i have done to him & I honestly wish often i hadn't told him. But i think a lot of my driven obsession towards OM was the guilt in me. I cannot even explain that but it has helped me start getting back to me. This is also not to say that i have totally forgotten OM at this point. I have not at all. He still IM's me & stuff. I also thought the slow weening of him out of my life might help but there are pros & cons to both that & the NC.

I wish i could help you more because our situations are so similar. But i am still going thru a lot of what you are except my A is over. And possibly my marriage.

 

My gosh panic I seriously feel like we have a connection its wierd... Im sure there are many people out there goin through our situation but just to know ur here makes me feel at ease!!! That does not make me feel good that you didnt feel guilty at first like i dont. Thats why I want to just stop it now... it happened once... its over... hopefully i wont feel guilty enough to tell my H about it. I CANT BELIEVE HE STILL IM'S YOU!!! what do u do... man isnt that killing you?? Im so glad im not the only one who gets more obsessed when the OM pulls away... you know another big reason I want to end it now is because at the moment im still in control kinda... I say when and where and if its going to happen again cos i know he wants it he keeps askin... but what about when he is done with me or when he finds a g/f and wants to end it... i know it will hurt more and ill get more obsessed if he is the one to end it ya know???

[Adunaphel]

Don't send the email!!! , at least not yet.

Store it away, re-read it tomorrow when you'll be calmer - you'll probably realize it's not a good idea to send him a long email written in a moment of emotional distress. And you'll be able to work on how to really ask him to stop contacting you in an effective way.

I hope that jotting down your feelings has been of some use, though.

I'm sorry that you are so upset right now, but it's still better, I think, than feeling like you can't let go.

 

 

you know another big reason I want to end it now is because at the moment im still in control kinda... I say when and where and if its going to happen again cos i know he wants it he keeps askin... but what about when he is done with me or when he finds a g/f and wants to end it... i know it will hurt more and ill get more obsessed if he is the one to end it ya know???

 

it makes perfect sense to me. your ego will feel better if you feel like you are actually the one ending it.

 

I'm sorry that OM treated you badly and did the vanishing act in the past when you needed him.

( did you recover from your medical problem? I hope you are fine now.)

But that's one more reason to cut him out of your life.

 

And besides I want him to know that he bloody hurt me in the past and recently.

Don't tell him. I don't want to sound harsh, but he will probably not care and decide you are just nagging. If he didn't care about hurting you, he won't feel guilty to know it.