princesssockhead Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Well hi! This is my initial post on the boards and I regret that I haven't responded to anyone else's posts yet but I have been lurking and browsing a lot. I plan on replying to more after I get some of the things going on in my own heart out. I have so much history to my dating life that I could probably write a 40 page essay on it but I will spare you a lot of gory details and mishaps. However, I must let you know that I am still dealing with a lot of residual self-esteem and trust issues from my relationship with my ex-bf. We were together for 3 years (ages 16-18) and lived together for the last year and a half of our relationship. He cheated on me a total of 5 times during our relationship and some of them with the very girls I told my "secrets" aka good gf's. I also feel guilt for not being better to myself and for staying with the sucker for those very important years of my life! Now we flash to present day. I wound up meeting a really sweet guy who have a lot in common with and cheated on my ex with - tis what lead to the break-up of my ex and I. Well I am still with this guy and he is my best friend and lover and it's been almost 4 years for us and we've lived together for almost all of those years. We did progress into the relationship relatively slowly at first which helped but I still didn't get a break from attached life to single life for very long at all. Luckily I did meet my SO because we have discovered that we are 'it' for each other. Talk of marriage and children and buying a home together is normal and often thought of when we are communicating well and relaxed. We have the most healthy and progressive relationship I've had in my whole life. We are happy 95% of the time and balance each other out nicely. However, there have been some problems maybe all along but certainly so for the last 3 months. I have always had trust issues and he tells me that he feels like I haven't ever really trusted him. Which feels like he's putting words into my mouth because I feel like I do trust him and his intentions and I wouldn't be with him if I didn't (I learned that from my last relationship). But he tells me that I act like I don't believe that he really does love me unconditionally, or like I even deserve his love. I think that maybe I do feel that way but it's not like the distrust has anything to do with HIM but rather with "a boyfriend" in general? One thing that has really bothered him is the fact that I would get jealous when he would try to go do anything without me which I admitted was wrong and could see how it would push him away so I worked on correcting that feeling and I don't do it much at all anymore except I still get the feeling when he mentions going to hang out with another girl (he gets along better with girls as friends). He won't attempt to go out much anymore even though I have shown him that I don't get jealous anymore and encourage him to go do things. The other issue I am having is more centered around my own lack of self-esteem and insecurities but it comes out in evil evil ways. I swear I never knew that I could be such a b***h or abusive like I have mostly because the tables have been turned on me so much in the past. I have been feeling ignored by him and he doesn't want to spend time with me and so I speak up about it because when you live with someone and love someone and they don't touch you or come sit down and chat with you even for a few mins. each day I feel like a roommate. It makes sense that he's pulled away because he isn't happy with the state of our relationship or rather me and my acting out. When I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling ignored, my problems and stress at work or with my family, how it hurt me that he noticed how hot some other girl is but hasn't mentioned how pretty I am, or how he won't come have dinner until I'm starving and about to pass out - totally on his timetable I come off in a bad way. It never turns out to be a calm collected communication about my needs but turns into him feeling like I am criticizing him in a really mean way and pushing my problems on him, in his own words. Well I feel like we both should be allowed to communicate our wants, ask for reassurance sometimes, and support each other through the hard stuff. I have been in a car wreck, gotten fired, started a new job, lost my grandpa, and moved into our new apartment all in the last 8 months. I have a lot going on and naturally the bad parts of me come out under duress. I know that I am rambling here but this problem seems so complex and confusing to me. He feels like I'm uber mean and insulting to him most of the time and seems to forget about the other 90% of the time when I give him backrubs, buy him ice cream, tell him how sweet and special he is, snuggling on the couch, give him good sex, give him space to chat online and play video games, surprise him with little presents, help him out with his issues, be friendly with his family - the list goes on and he does similar things for me usually. Although not lately and he keeps telling me it's because he's been under so much stress from me. I mean I know I've said a lot these last few months that is out of character for me and downright harsh. But he is making me feel like he has no more hope for our relationship or for me to change and the main thing is that I just want experience intimacy & affection again with my baby. I'll add more as I think of it but this is basically what's occuring right now and it bothers me a lot. I am trying my best to do what will help me out and that includes branching out to find other emotional sources, trying new activities and making new friends, meeting his needs and listening better to him, still giving him affection and love and trying to love myself more. I've found that journaling is really helping but it's so hard to be doing all this soul-searching and changing to feel very alone and not supported much. Thank you to all of you who took the time to read about this and offer your support. It means so much to me!
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