Kat2186 Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 My boyfriend is a commitment phobe. I'm 20 years old and he is 32. I know it's a bit of a difference but between us it doesn't really matter because we just get along so well. I love spending time with him, but he has these tendencies that really hurt. He tends to keep the relationship quiet from people. I know for sure he isn't dating anyone else. I've done homework here. But he'll do things like walking off and not coming back for a while just because he saw someone else he knew. When we hang out things are really great. He's not as affectionate in public as he is when we spend time alone, but he still quietly shows his affection. I'm more open about our relationship. If someone asks yeah i'll say we are dating. But that seems to bother him. He seems to think that when I mention to anyone that we are dating that i'm also talking about the personal things about our relationship. He's been in a few bad relationships. he's had experiences of people spreading rumors and talking about him. He loves attention, but he seems to care a whole lot what other people think. He told me a story recently about a past girlfriend, which pretty much was a subtle, yet very not so suble, way to say "don't talk about us to people, or we might break up". He seems to have a real fear of people knowing who he is dating. He has no rational explanations for it. He even recognizes it but he just gets real scared and freaks out when he's heard that i've mentioned we were dating. He is a very sweet person. but this commitment phobic behavior really bothers me. He knows it does but he can't seem to stop the fear that drives him towards these things. I dunno exactly what to do anymore. I don't want to end the relationship because other than those commitment phobic tendencies everything is going very well. Does anyone know if there is any hope of him getting over this phobia? I can't help to think like there's something wrong with me or something to make him act that way. Although I do know that is definitely not the case, it tends to creep into the mind. I do love him very much and was wondering if anyone had some advice.
Guest Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 I hate to tell you this, but he's not exuding commitment phobic behavior. I'm not trying to hurt you, but give you my honest opinion. If you ask, I'm going to give it. It's harsh, but that's the type of advice I give, and it's no different than any advice I would expect in return, so as not waste my time with a dead end relationship. It doesn't sound like the guy is in love with you. He doesn't want to people around him to know that he's involved with you because, even though he DOES like you and enjoys spending time with you to an extent...when the right girl does come along, he doesn't want to miss the opportunity with the new girl. Also, the age difference is immense. My friend was 34 and dating a 20 yr old and didn't want to tell anyone, because he felt like he knew she was too young and everyone would judge. It may also be the same in this situation. When a Commitment Phobe is in love, they usually shout it out to the world ...at least at first, until the fear sets in for the commitment phobic. If he were a commitment phobe, he would be pulling away and breaking up with you every other day...but he wouldn't be embarassed to tell people he's with you. That's a totally different issue in itself. Also, who hasn't been hurt and in bad relationships before. Everyone has had their heart broken, or will...so don't make excuses for his behavior. You have so many years ahead of you. By the time you're 25 - 30, you'll be a totally different person, and you may think this person is a perfect fit for you, but you're just starting out right now. Don't put all your eggs in one basket with a person who is so much older and more experienced in life. You're definitely going to find a great guy who will be a perfect fit for you one day.
purpleplanet Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 I tend to do the same thing your boyfriend is doing to you, and it's not because I don't love my boyfriend, it's just... weird. I know. I usually have my bf tell me when I'm acting overly non-committal, and try to work out a compromise. I just hate feeling like "half of a whole" and part of keeping my independence is not being identified as someone's significant other. Even if it is significant. Hope that you guys can work it out.
Author Kat2186 Posted September 15, 2006 Author Posted September 15, 2006 Thanks for your opinions. I do understand what both of you had said. I've been dating him for 6 months now and i thought things were getting better, when he did suddenly spring on me the talk to not tell people we're dating. I feel like i need to give him a chance, but at the same time i feel like he's telling me it's a hopeless situation. I don't know exactly how long a time would be giving him a good chance. It doesn't seem to me like he can take a compromise in the situation. I should probably ask him directly to try to compromise, but i get the feeling it won't work. He thinks that 6 months isn't a long time to know each other. To me it seems like a long time enough for him to at least admit we are dating. I find 6 months to be a long time for a relationship. could be because i haven't been in a relationship that long before. I want to thank you for you opinions they both have helped me alot.
norajane Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 If he's a commitment phobe, he's not going to just change. It usually takes therapy or a huge wake-up call - like facing his own mortality - to get a commitment phobe to stop being afraid of change and commitment. If he's not a commitment phobe (and I don't think he is), he's got some paranoia about what others think of him dating a young woman, and paranoia, insecurities, and narcissism about what others think of him (he assumes other people even care!!). Whatever his issues are, he's being a bad boyfriend and is starting to make you feel like there's something wrong with you. It's not you. It's him. And he's not being very good to you. That's what you should be focusing on - you deserve a guy who's crazy about you and wants everyone to know how lucky he feels to be with you.
tarius222000 Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 It has been almost 7 months,, I think you need to have him look deeper into his life and see if he can get over his fears and tell the public that you are dating. If he can't do that for you then he must not really love you as much as you think.
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