lies, healing, lies, healing, shattered...

[Guest]

My husband had a 10 year affair, with many others inbetween. I received a letter in the mail from the OW...Mostly about how she had been a part of my family for 10 years and had cried buckets of tears concerning the problems that my children had over the years, specifically, my son...Among other things, this W said that there were "deep feelings"...how could there not be, she said, after having been together for 10 years...She knew everything about myself, my children, my Mom, my Sisters, Heck..she even knew the adoption date of my beloved dog...I was devastated, fell to my knees and called my H...By the time he had arrived home, I had broken every picture frame with a picture of us in it...and believe me...there were quite a few after 18 years of marriage and having known and dated him since I was 16 years old. I had never dated or been with another man...I was heartbroken and shocked. I stopped eating and lost 45 lbs w/in 3 to 4 months, I wrapped my car around a tree after dropping our daughter off at school and falling asleep at the wheel from lack of sleep, I couldn't cook, take care of my children, or keep the business that I so loved and had worked so hard to build..going...I lost my life the day I received that letter...

 

Long story short, he cried, begged, insisted that he loved us and did alot of "smothering" in those early days. I had gone so long without any love or affection, that I immediately fell into his arms...I craved to be touched again, and felt like we were teenagers again. I had his undivided attention, and I THOUGHT that I was happy again...Then the pain set in...then the self destruction set in, then the lonliness set in, then the humiliation of people turning their heads when our children and I ran into somone...set in...Our son was asked to leave the school that he had attended for 6 years, the ONLY school he had ever attended..We were given no reason other then a fabricated story of two girls who had accused him of saying inappropriate things. He was only 9 years old, and he had NO idea what the things they were accusing him of even meant...Our daughter, who was at the same school...was a straight A student, became the object of constant ridicule and was totally ostrasized...They took down our son's art work, removed his name from everything, even things that had been in our famiy for generations, and told him not to come back on campus or they would phone the police. He was accused of violating the school's "sexual harassment" policy..and he didn't even know what the words meant...I was a good student, never in any serious trouble, well liked by all and happy....My husband had been verbally abusive towards him for a lengthy time, and I had hoped that it had not been talked about at school, but I had no idea that my H was talking about every intimate detail with other W....He used myself and my children, most especially our son, as the letter states, to get what he wanted to satisfy his needs. My children's lives were turned upside down...None of thier "friends" would speak to them or even look at them again...They were never to see their friends again after that day...It has taken almost 4 years for them to build new lives, new friends, schools, etc...I blamed myself until I received the letter in the mail and began to piece things together and more infomation became available to me...Either through prodding my H, or the OW...Turns out, my H had an affair with the wife of someone on the Board of Trustees of the school. Although he did admit the affair, I had NO proof that could tie this affair or the others, and I am sure there were others at the school, to the treatment of our children...

 

Like a fool, I took him back...started MC and hoped and prayed that he had turned over a new life, was serious about the fact that he was a sex addict, and would continue to attend meetings, MC and try his darndest to regain the trust that was totally shattered. Things got better for a time, then more lies, then got better, then more lies...I am here because he is verbally abusive and has, on occasion, been physically abusive...I am here because I have no financial support other then him, and I am afraid to leave. I am hear because, I THOUGHT that I loved this Man...

 

This was two years ago this past Aug...I still have nightmares, jump when the mail man comes, look over my shoulder whenever I have the nerve to venture back into our old neighborhood and wince when I must attend something where I know people knew what was going on and did not have the decency or guts to tip me off...I still have trouble eating, Still check my H's cell phone sometimes two or three times per night, try in vain to find anything out on the internet...Nothing is there anymore...He is a master at convering everything up now. The days of having AOL and Yahoo IM right on our family computer and having me totally unaware of what he was doing, are over. I now read his body language, his moods, the way he answers calls, and the way he drives his car. I check his clothes thoroughly for makeup, perfume, etc..whenever he returns from a business trip, which is almost weekly...I am NOT the same person that I was prior to this, and I am having a really hard time trusting...ANYONE! I feel alone, isolated, stupid and lonely...

 

His latest lie was devasting...to me...He had dinner with a female coworker, a subordinate, while our of town, and lied to me about it. I knew because he had gotten sloppy inbetween trips and had forgotten to erase their exchange of calls just prior to meeting up. I realized after checking his expense report, that the dinner was not on it, and was livid...Taken in again..For God's sake...does this man not have a heart? What is wrong with you people out there who would do this to the people that they supposedly love? It's mind boggeling to me...I have tried to understand, but I just cannot..I suppose I need to do more talking to the wives of sex addicts...That is the only way I can justify this in my mind...To do otherwise, would mean that I am married to a monster, and I can't do that...

 

Just so everyone knows...I did finally file for divorce last year after learning, one year AFTER the letter, of the affair with the woman affiliated with the school...He whined, cried and generally fell apart for days on end...I took him back...at the disapproval of my family and the few friends that stuck with me...Now...I am right back to where I started, but now I've lost my grounds for divorce...I have managed to sock some $ away and now have total control over our finances...This is a big deal to me...ladies, as I always let my H do this. I did the accounting for my business but left the home stuff to him. We had alot and I mean alot of money in the bank a few years back and now we are living paycheck to paycheck. The $100 withdrawals every couple of days have stopped due to the fact that I demanded to see receipts and he either could not or would not provided them...but I am feeling overwhelmed, like a babysitter to my H, and generally at my limit both physically AND emotionally...

 

Can anyone out there offer me any words of encouragement?? I would still like to stay with the Cad, but I know I shouldn't...I can see that he is trying, but what's next...Will he ever change?? Will it continue to go on...Do I continue to take care of myself and kids, and working on a plan so that I CAN feel comfortable leaving? My kids will both be gone from home w/ in four years...

 

Any input would be appreciated..But PLEASE go easy on me...I know how stupid I was and I know that I turned my head to the obvious...Also, I want everyone to know that I did everthing in my power to stop his abusive behavior towards, espcially our son. I took him to counseling, left the house and drove around w/ them many a night, spent the night at my Mom's tiny condo some, and when I had to...took them to a hotel...I blamed myself and was afraid...I am sorry that I did not do more to protect them. I know I was wrong...

 

Thanks

[outofdarkness]

My husband had a 10 year affair, with many others inbetween. I received a letter in the mail from the OW...Mostly about how she had been a part of my family for 10 years and had cried buckets of tears concerning the problems that my children had over the years, specifically, my son...Among other things, this W said that there were "deep feelings"...how could there not be, she said, after having been together for 10 years...She knew everything about myself, my children, my Mom, my Sisters, Heck..she even knew the adoption date of my beloved dog...I was devastated, fell to my knees and called my H...By the time he had arrived home, I had broken every picture frame with a picture of us in it...and believe me...there were quite a few after 18 years of marriage and having known and dated him since I was 16 years old. I had never dated or been with another man...I was heartbroken and shocked. I stopped eating and lost 45 lbs w/in 3 to 4 months, I wrapped my car around a tree after dropping our daughter off at school and falling asleep at the wheel from lack of sleep, I couldn't cook, take care of my children, or keep the business that I so loved and had worked so hard to build..going...I lost my life the day I received that letter...

 

ok..I must have given too much info...does ANYONE have anthing to say about my story??? Any input is appreciated...I will not stand in judement, but rather try to be objective...Guys...any thoughts...?Gals...any thoughts? I just want some feedback...ANY feedback...I know that my story is overwhelming and sounds fabricated...but let me assure all of you that it is all true...I am not a "man hater" but rather just a woman?W who wants to be as informed as possible...Yes, We have been throught alot, but I have read posts on this site that were much more complicated then mine...Are you all afraid to reply?? I really need some feedback..I am interested in feedback from men/women/W, OW., anyone who can provide some insight...

 

I am much more aware/informed then I was a few years ago, and I am anxious to help others who may need advice regarding these types of situations. I do not believe that all people who cheat are bad people. It is not my place to stand in judgement...I am just trying to get as much input as possible.. I know from talking to people and participating in forums like this, that we ALL have a part in the dance of infidelity..I am not perfect...I just want to know what other's experiences have been regarding similar situations...

 

I have tried to put myself in the OW's shoes, but it's hard...I know that nine times out of ten, the OW has been lied to and cheated on too...In an odd sort of way, I really can relate to the OW...She was deceived just as I was...She was told lies and promises just as I was. Does this mean that what she did was ok? NO...but I am not a judgemental and harsh person...There are always two sides to every story...When you only hear one side, it's hard to be objective...but I do try...People are people, no matter what mistakes we make...Some feedback would really be appreciated...

 

Long story short, he cried, begged, insisted that he loved us and did alot of "smothering" in those early days. I had gone so long without any love or affection, that I immediately fell into his arms...I craved to be touched again, and felt like we were teenagers again. I had his undivided attention, and I THOUGHT that I was happy again...Then the pain set in...then the self destruction set in, then the lonliness set in, then the humiliation of people turning their heads when our children and I ran into somone...set in...Our son was asked to leave the school that he had attended for 6 years, the ONLY school he had ever attended..We were given no reason other then a fabricated story of two girls who had accused him of saying inappropriate things. He was only 9 years old, and he had NO idea what the things they were accusing him of even meant...Our daughter, who was at the same school...was a straight A student, became the object of constant ridicule and was totally ostrasized...They took down our son's art work, removed his name from everything, even things that had been in our famiy for generations, and told him not to come back on campus or they would phone the police. He was accused of violating the school's "sexual harassment" policy..and he didn't even know what the words meant...I was a good student, never in any serious trouble, well liked by all and happy....My husband had been verbally abusive towards him for a lengthy time, and I had hoped that it had not been talked about at school, but I had no idea that my H was talking about every intimate detail with other W....He used myself and my children, most especially our son, as the letter states, to get what he wanted to satisfy his needs. My children's lives were turned upside down...None of thier "friends" would speak to them or even look at them again...They were never to see their friends again after that day...It has taken almost 4 years for them to build new lives, new friends, schools, etc...I blamed myself until I received the letter in the mail and began to piece things together and more infomation became available to me...Either through prodding my H, or the OW...Turns out, my H had an affair with the wife of someone on the Board of Trustees of the school. Although he did admit the affair, I had NO proof that could tie this affair or the others, and I am sure there were others at the school, to the treatment of our children...

 

Like a fool, I took him back...started MC and hoped and prayed that he had turned over a new life, was serious about the fact that he was a sex addict, and would continue to attend meetings, MC and try his darndest to regain the trust that was totally shattered. Things got better for a time, then more lies, then got better, then more lies...I am here because he is verbally abusive and has, on occasion, been physically abusive...I am here because I have no financial support other then him, and I am afraid to leave. I am hear because, I THOUGHT that I loved this Man...

 

This was two years ago this past Aug...I still have nightmares, jump when the mail man comes, look over my shoulder whenever I have the nerve to venture back into our old neighborhood and wince when I must attend something where I know people knew what was going on and did not have the decency or guts to tip me off...I still have trouble eating, Still check my H's cell phone sometimes two or three times per night, try in vain to find anything out on the internet...Nothing is there anymore...He is a master at convering everything up now. The days of having AOL and Yahoo IM right on our family computer and having me totally unaware of what he was doing, are over. I now read his body language, his moods, the way he answers calls, and the way he drives his car. I check his clothes thoroughly for makeup, perfume, etc..whenever he returns from a business trip, which is almost weekly...I am NOT the same person that I was prior to this, and I am having a really hard time trusting...ANYONE! I feel alone, isolated, stupid and lonely...

 

His latest lie was devasting...to me...He had dinner with a female coworker, a subordinate, while our of town, and lied to me about it. I knew because he had gotten sloppy inbetween trips and had forgotten to erase their exchange of calls just prior to meeting up. I realized after checking his expense report, that the dinner was not on it, and was livid...Taken in again..For God's sake...does this man not have a heart? What is wrong with you people out there who would do this to the people that they supposedly love? It's mind boggeling to me...I have tried to understand, but I just cannot..I suppose I need to do more talking to the wives of sex addicts...That is the only way I can justify this in my mind...To do otherwise, would mean that I am married to a monster, and I can't do that...

 

Just so everyone knows...I did finally file for divorce last year after learning, one year AFTER the letter, of the affair with the woman affiliated with the school...He whined, cried and generally fell apart for days on end...I took him back...at the disapproval of my family and the few friends that stuck with me...Now...I am right back to where I started, but now I've lost my grounds for divorce...I have managed to sock some $ away and now have total control over our finances...This is a big deal to me...ladies, as I always let my H do this. I did the accounting for my business but left the home stuff to him. We had alot and I mean alot of money in the bank a few years back and now we are living paycheck to paycheck. The $100 withdrawals every couple of days have stopped due to the fact that I demanded to see receipts and he either could not or would not provided them...but I am feeling overwhelmed, like a babysitter to my H, and generally at my limit both physically AND emotionally...

 

 

can anyone out there give me any feedback..I will not stand in judgment, but rather try to be objective and learn from any replies...I am hurt and it comes out as anger sometimes, but I do realize that people are people now matter what the circumstances...

[Walking away]

I was an OW not long ago.

 

I am so, so sorry for what you must endure.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

I am speechless.

 

Please take care of yourself for YOU and your kids. You sound like a tremendous woman. Perhaps a counselor could help you with the life changing decisions you must make.

 

Yes, it sounds like your husband is a cad. There is absolutely no excuse for his behavior. He is killing you bit by bit.

 

But, I know how hard it is to leave. You have history, children, and, inspite of it all, LOVE for this man.

 

The only thing I can suggest is counseling.

 

But, keep writing here. The people here are a tremendous support base. You are amongst friends.

 

WA

[LilOlMe]

I am in your shoes.

 

If you would have asked me even 6 months ago (before I knew about the A) if I would have stayed afterward, I would have resoundingly said NO. But now I am here, and at this point thinking of staying...I don't think I could stay if there were multiple affairs...I think they should get only 1 chance to make it right...but you never know.

 

I think you are a very strong woman to have endured what you have and still make it through each day. Stay strong for your kids. Counseling has helped me a bit so far; you might consider that to help work through the hurt and and anger.

 

Good luck. I am praying for you...

[umbo]

WOW! I am so sorry.

 

Your husband is physically abusive and has had multiple affairs still lies and still does not have a heart. Your exhusband to be is a monster get out. Kick him out of the house your health is at risk as well as your beloved children. Dear your husband claims he is an addict. YOu would never knowingly marry, cook, feed, make love to, trust and house any kind of addict nor would you want them around your children. Dear take the house the children the child support healthinsurance and all that you are entitled to. Dust your self off and keep moving forward Your Husband is a monster no MC can help he ought to be in jail crying. You can handle this with ease you have class you are a business woman and you probably are going to make lots of money. So good luck with your new life. Push through this smoke screen.

[Pink Amulet]

You are falling apart. For your kids sake. Leave this man. More than a sex addict, he is just selfish. You need to show your kids you are stronger than this....

[Bufzookie]

I know exactly what you are going through.......I have TWO reasons that I relate to your story.

 

ONe....My father...is just like your husband with the Verbal and physical abuse. Not only had he done that to my mother....but he did to me too. I was beaten and called stupid for almost all my life. It is a hard life to lead, and on the perspective of you children....I wish my mom had left. I know she was dependant on him like you....but I resented her for not protecting me first. There is no reason that you husband has to hit or say anything negative to you. He obviously is a very insicure man to cheat and treat his family like an burdan. He uses you like chess pieces to make himself happy. I think you should try to find an outlet by yourself....maybe you will realize you can make a leap to get away from this monster! Please understand! Its not just you, that is involved in this.

 

TWO, My husband..... He is a sex addict. I found him cheating numourous times. I was pregnant when i first found out about the porn on the computer and other women he was talking to via email. THen nine months pregnant when I found out about his physical infidelity. Went to counseling and thought everything was getting better. MOved to Hawaii... then he slept with my next door nieghbor. then i went back on more time after leaving for 4 months. Everything seemed fine.....then I find out he slept with a man. I'm getting a divorce and I'm only 21 years old. I have a one year old and no money.....except the money I will get in the divorce. I'm scared yeah....but my daughter is more important to me then sticking around in this mess. I don't want her to grow up and see his distructive behaivor!

You see, Its hard to leave when you love someone so much and you just with that they will stop hurting you. The case is....you can not change who your husband is. I watched my mom waste away as my dad cheated and hit....and cursed. I hate him for it......she stayes though....cause she is afraid of being alone. Its not worth it to live like that. No one should ever be treated like you are being treated. And you shouldn't be constantly looking over your shoulder with parinoia. Stress is deadly hun, and is not good for you or your children. I does not matter is you don't tell your kids about the affairs to sheld them. They know!!! Please... don't ever think you are not good enough.....dont ever think that you are stupid and dont ever think that you are alone. There are tons of people just like you getting hellp and getting out of that situation. Its not worth it!!! Leave.....do it for your family!!!