The repercussions of infidelity

[justice]

Most of you here know my story. It began over a year ago now and has still not ended.

I wish more people would really think about the consequences of their actions before they commit them.

My h and I are getting along fine now, but there are still some issues that continue even though we are diligently working on them to correct the problems.

One of those issues I own up to, and that issue is the awful hurt that the H's lies, unfaithfulness and gaslighting caused me.

Even though he is trying very hard, sometimes it is hard for me to think past the pain, and I still am having some problems with learning to trust again. Counceling, yes it does help to a certain extent but after all that has happened and knowing how much he lied and cheated still goes against everything positive I've learned in this situation.

The OW in our lives will be released from jail soon and I have to worry about this now, wondering if she has learned her lesson and will stay away from us. I still blame my H for bringing this person into our lives.

Sometimes I become so stressed out that I will literally become sick to my stomach. I have to let it go, I know this but how do you let the fact that someone you loved and trusted could do something so painful to you? It is a daily battle. Sometimes, you feel as if you are on solid footing and then some little thing will cause you to doubt again, not knowing whether or not it's true or another lie to cover tracks of a spouse who has cheated on you. It is difficult and hard to deal with.

I'm working at this harder than I've ever worked at anything in my whole entire life, because to me, I think it is worth it.

Maybe someday, someone out there will be in a similar situation just as my H and the OW were at one time, and maybe one or both of them will realize just what an effect it will have on all parties involved and will think twice about commiting adultery. That is such an ugly word, but it is an ugly deed.

To those of you who cheat: Your spouse no doubt loves you, when you commit that ugly "A" word, you not only destroy that love but the trust and the promises you made on your wedding day. You may disillusion yourself by thinking that they will never find out, and you will never have to explain yourself or your actions, but the time will come and if you cheat, your spouse will find out. And if she/he cares, your spouse will fight until the situation is made right again, but it is a long and hard road to recovery of the marriage vows that were broken. Please be honest, don't lie or gaslight them, tell them the brutal truth when they ask questions, one lie does lead to another.

You made the promises you broke, it's up to you to fix them on your behalf.

I hope something I've said here will touch someone in a positive way and I'm hoping I will soon find the trust and peace I need. I wish the same for all of you here as well.

[jonesgirly]

justice.....I feel your pain in your words, and understand ALL of them totally.

 

Everything you've said is what I wish my H would understand.

 

The gaslighting - its almost too much to bear once you find out the truth. How horrible it feels to be reduced to playing "detective" in order to find out if the person you married is telling the truth (or not). The lies in the beginning become 'small' compared to the ones you find out after they INSIST they're being open and honest, and truly want to repair the relationship.

 

I hope ALL unfaithful spouses read one important thing - DON'T MAKE IT WORSE BY CONTINUING TO LIE!

 

The betrayed spouse has been disrespected enough, is probably in a state of shock after discovery of the A, and SERIOUSLY doesn't need you to make things even worse.

 

The betrayal of trust is NOT rebuilt by additional lies. The truth may be painful to reveal, but it is necessary for the betrayed spouse. It is a BIG step in allowing them inside your little "secret world," and may, in the long run, help the healing process.

 

I wish ALL unfaithful spouses would remember that THEY brought this emotional nightmare into their marriage. Whatever was wrong in their relationship was NOT helped by "outside interests."

 

I wish they would have the sense of personal responsibility to 'own' what they did immediately, and do whatever their spouse needed in order to mend. And I'm sure for most, its probably the same thing. Listen, have some empathy (for godsake!), understand, be patient, BE TRUTHFUL, answer the questions (diplomatically - no need to rub their noses in your dirt), etc.

 

I really don't think they have a CLUE how horrible it is to discover the subsequent lies. Its like each new "lie" discovery DOUBLED the betrayal felt prior. WTF? And yeah, it may be 'typical' behavior for them, but I never thought we were typical!

 

I wish I could go back to that time.

[Rooster_DAR]

Excellent!

 

roost

[justice]

It's so good to hear from you, you just validate everything I've said. Lots of love sweetie. Hugs.

[justice]

Thanks Roo. This is pretty much how I've been feeling. I comment here alot and give advice, now if I could just take some of it for myself. Oh well each day is another step in the journey...

[Rooster_DAR]

Hang in there kido, it's all part of the ride.

 

[justice]

Thanks again. I just added you to my buddy list. Appreciate you.

[whichwayisup]

I'm going to mention this to Thumbs too, have you thought about renewing your marriage vows?

[jonesgirly]

have you thought about renewing your marriage vows?

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

good idea for justice maybe.

 

But for us, the ink was barely dry on the first set of broken vows.

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[justice]

no, I don't think I could stomach it at this particular point in time, I'm no wide eyed innocent anymore.

[justice]

Hugs. I'm not up for this either right now.