Nur Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 About a month ago my boyfriend of over a year announced to me that "his feeling have changed, the relationship should end." Later on that same night he insisted, "No, I don't want to break up! I still love you!" It was extremely apparent to me that he was obviously not in the right state of mind for a healthy relationship. We both agreed we should certainly take a break; we will be together at college in a year or two (he will transfer) and we might or might not try it again then. In the meantime he is working on growing up a bit, getting independence from his family (they have a huge sway over his life) and feeling "ready" for a relationship. I, however, am ready now. I got over the "break-up" pretty quickly, making many new friends and realizing that perhaps I was too socially dependent on him before. It is surprising to me how easily I adapted, and how much more fun my life is now. I am actually enjoying being single, and having fun flirting with all the guys I think are cute without worrying about "no, I have a boyfriend, better not..." etc. My ex still keeps close contact with me, since we agreed to be friends. I still do care about him a lot, and yet I realize that we made the right choice, and that this time apart gives up both a lot of time to grow. But my confidence in him was pretty badly shaken (I was not expecting him to pull something like that on me) and it will take me a long time, if ever, to trust him again and feel like he is ready to be with me. In the meantime, I wondered what I should do. I can't very well just sit here and wait for a future that might or might not happen. Who knows how we'll feel in a year or two years? There are plenty of guys out there who ARE ready for a relationship. In only three or four weeks apart, I have already been approached by at least two. However, everything is very complicated. My ex is still very much in love with me (whatever doubt he had was solidified when I was no longer with him). When once he considered me an "obligation" and wasn't sure how he felt, now he thinks about me constantly, tells me he loves me every time we talk (I never tell it to him back, since I think it's inappropriate to talk that way to an ex -- plus, I don't love him like I did), he spends every second with me that he can over the weekend when I come home, when once he just came over when he had nothing better to do, and when I was sick he drove an hour and a half out here to make sure I was really okay. Ha, if only he could have realized how much he loved me when I felt the same about him. But, for obvious reasons, I am very hesitant about getting too close. When we are together, he tries to hold my hand, give me kisses, long hugs, wants me to sit in his lap, etc. and gets miffed when I tell him no. Basically it seems that he is doing his best to keep me interested, knowing that there are a lot of other great guys around, but still not feeling ready to be my boyfriend. I don't think I would date him again for a good long time even if he did -- he has a long way to go to win my trust back. I've never been in a situation like this before, and I am not sure what to do. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I think an outside view might help.
princessa Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I've been reading some of your threads and it's just too funny how I recognize me and my bf in most of your issues, from the sex issues to the breaks and break-ups. Anyways, why is it that you say you don't trust him? Because he broke up with you first?
Author Nur Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 It's hard for me to trust him because I had confidence in his feelings for me. I doubted some things, like if he would pull through on his claims (he was often sporadic) or if he was being completely frank (he didn't like conflict, so he had trouble talking about his problems). But then he pulled the rug out from under me completely with his "my feelings have changed" statement. That was the one thing I did not doubt. When he said that, even with his later claims, I knew that there were some major issues. If you love someone, you do not doubt it, and you certainly don't let the words "my feelings have changed and the relationship should end" slip out of your mouth. Plus, I always have to read into what he's saying. Either the first statement was true, and the second one was just because he felt bad, or the first statement was for some sort of effect, and the second was true. Either way, he's NOT in the state of mind for a mature and healthy relationship. But yeah. That's why I can't trust him easily. But I am not sure what to do about the entire situation.
princessa Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 He could or could not have meant what he said about his feelings changing. Maybe he was under a lot of stress and just didn't understand his own feelings? Sometimes I say things about my feelings that I don't mean, but that's only because I have trouble figuring out why I felt a certain way at the time I said those things. Either way, if he is continuously showing you that he cares right now, you should maybe at least open yourself up to trusting him a bit more. You know there are so many people with MUCH much bigger trust issues than that. Cheating, being dishonest, etc. See what your gut really tells you about his feelings, and whether you should trust him or not. As for him not being ready for a relationship... That's a fact that you both agree on. Now what you really have to figure out for yourself is what do you really want from him if a relationship is not an option. Can you simply be his friend and be close to him? Or would that affect or limit your life in some sort of way?
Author Nur Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 Well, let me put it this way. If he did not exist, and I were truly free and single, I would be able to flirt and date with a clear conscience, and if I found someone I'd like to start a relationship with, I would. That would be that. But that's not how it is. He is more than a friend to me. As I said, he is still in love with me (that realization has intensified in him ever since he broke up) but he's not ready to be with me. And yet he intends to. He tries to act as much like my boyfriend as he can -- telling me he loves me, contacting me several times a week, spending every moment he can spare with me, and driving all the way out here just to see if I am really okay, because he "wanted to take care of me." He says I can date other people. But that choice isn't as innocent and free as it implies. If I date someone else casually, then he will take it as an utter rejection against him. I am also concerned about the reasons he is acting how he is. Now that he has competition, he's been the Perfect Man. I know he'd never be late if we planned to do anything together now, and now he goes out of his way to spend time with me when before I always felt like I was forcing him to. Now, is that a permanent personality change, or just an act to get me back? If I do get back together with him (which he is obviously trying to have happen eventually) how do I know that he won't get restless and bored again? I hate drama. If he has some sort of psychotic "push away, pull together" problem where he gets tired of a committed relationship and enjoys the chase more than the prize, then I don't want to go through all of this again. We already took about four "breaks" in one year alone. This has just been the last and most dramatic one. Part of me just wants to find a guy who is really ready for me. And at the same time, I realize that people change. Perhaps not having me really did make him realize the depth that he loves me, and now he is certain he wants to be with me. None of our earlier breaks lasted more than two weeks, but I sort of inforced this one, saying, "You're right, you're not ready for a relationship. Let me know when you truly are." I don't like being stuck in this limbo. I can't date freely without him taking it as a slight, but I can't be with him because he's not ready. So how do I move on, like he said I should do? Is it really fair for any potential dates that I am still so entangled in this? How do I deal with this situation?
princessa Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Well, let me put it this way. If he did not exist, and I were truly free and single, I would be able to flirt and date with a clear conscience, and if I found someone I'd like to start a relationship with, I would. That would be that. But that's not how it is. He is more than a friend to me. As I said, he is still in love with me (that realization has intensified in him ever since he broke up) but he's not ready to be with me. And yet he intends to. He tries to act as much like my boyfriend as he can -- telling me he loves me, contacting me several times a week, spending every moment he can spare with me, and driving all the way out here just to see if I am really okay, because he "wanted to take care of me." He says I can date other people. But that choice isn't as innocent and free as it implies. If I date someone else casually, then he will take it as an utter rejection against him. We already took about four "breaks" in one year alone. This has just been the last and most dramatic one. Part of me just wants to find a guy who is really ready for me. Sounds all too familiar. Some people change, some don't. There's really no way of finding out whether he has really changed other than keeping in touch with him. My guy would always make some extra effort to keep me every time i'd call a break. But then it would fade for the simple reason that he still wasn't ready yet (either that or he just can't change period, i'm still facing that dilemma myself). But really the only way to find this out for sure is to actually be in a relationship with him WHEN his situation changed, and when he says he's ready. The bottom line is that he's NOT READY. So from here, there are 3 options... And this is only MY experience, cause i'm faced with the same scenario, and i've turned it over and over in my head and this is the options i was faced with: (A) You don't wait for him because this will limit your life and shut off any potential opportunities for romance. In this case you should shut off contact until your feelings are completely dead. (B) You decide that since you love him, it's worth waiting a couple of years until he gets it together. Taking this option depends on how strong you think your feelings are for him, and how strong you think his feelings are. Because if you decide to wait for him you have to absolutely be sure that you'll always be the one he will run back to. And when i say feelings, this also includes all the rational things like long-term compatibility, etc. So if you truly believe in the long-term potential for this relationship, you might think that it's worth waiting. In this case you pretty much stay close to him, without focusing too much on the relationship. © You don't make a decision. Just keep on with your life. Focus on yourself, make new friends, and see whatever happens. I think you're very analytical. I am that way also, so sometimes I forget to take life one day at a time. I've banged my head against these 3 options time and time again, trying to analyze them inside out. I started with A. Cut him off, wanted to date again. But it was too hard, and I am too picky with guys, and I knew I wasn't about to find anybody who even compared to him in a month. But even when I shut off all my hopes of having a relationship with him, I still missed him. He was my best friend, after all. So I decided to get back in touch. And yeah, I can't be just his friend, so getting back in contact lead to other things. Then, I said.. How about option B... Didn't work either.. I cared about him too much. I worried about him too much. My life pretty much revolved around him and I just got hurt because I put so much effort into something he wasn't ready for and he was only repeating the same actions that made me miserable in the first place. So I shut off contact again. I had so much resentment and blamed him a lot for not being able to be a full-time boyfriend to me. Now I'm in the middle of trying option C. I figured that the best thing for me right now is to not break my head over this relationship bull... Just take things one day at a time. Enjoy whatever is left, but mostly focus on doing what's best for me. Taking care of me. It's good for me as a person, and it's good for the future relationship, if there will be any. If you keep waiting on him you will only build up resentment if he's not ready to take care of you, and eventually hate him even if you don't mean it. Ultimately you just have to be at peace with this guy, and at peace with the situation you're in. Go on with your life, keep in touch with him, and if he takes too long and you happen to either lose hope or meet somebody new, then it's his loss. In my case I told him I wouldn't be seeing anybody else for a while. I love him too much and I know he loves me too no matter what. Some people might argue that I am limiting myself, but whatever. I think that something like this is rare, and I'm ready to invest 2 years of missed dating opportunities to keep him. Hell, I've put 21 years into just finding him. It's a lot of babbling, but people's experiences are different. Only you know what's right for you. But you have to clear your head first, then decide which path you will not regret taking.
Author Nur Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 (A) You don't wait for him because this will limit your life and shut off any potential opportunities for romance. In this case you should shut off contact until your feelings are completely dead. (B) You decide that since you love him, it's worth waiting a couple of years until he gets it together. Taking this option depends on how strong you think your feelings are for him, and how strong you think his feelings are. Because if you decide to wait for him you have to absolutely be sure that you'll always be the one he will run back to. And when i say feelings, this also includes all the rational things like long-term compatibility, etc. So if you truly believe in the long-term potential for this relationship, you might think that it's worth waiting. In this case you pretty much stay close to him, without focusing too much on the relationship. © You don't make a decision. Just keep on with your life. Focus on yourself, make new friends, and see whatever happens. I think you're right when you say you can relate to my situation. It seems that you are indeed quite familiar with a case of your own. I don't think A is a good option in that I cut him out completely. I do see long-term potential between us, but it depends entirely on if he manages to get his act together or not. It's true that his instability is tolling on my confidence in him. I want to believe in him, but he's let me down so many times that he has a long way to go to prove he's truly ready. I suppose what I'll do is sort of go with a mix between B and C. I shouldn't wait for him entirely, and just devote myself to the hope that he might one day change, because then I might just be setting myself up for disappointment. I'll keep contact with him, but at the same time get to know plenty of other guys, and if one catches my eye I will be willing to give it a try. I will, of course, let my ex know -- and when I say "give it a try" I don't mean anything serious. But it makes sense not to close myself off to love just so I can have an opening for him. Maybe the new guy will be better-suited then he was. I guess that's just the chance he takes. He told me that he actually wants me to date other people, and hold him in comparison, so that I can be sure that I find him preferable. On the bright side, if I do find someone preferable, then I have no losses. If I don't, then he's still after me. Right now I am just enjoying being able to meet as many different people as I can without any "attachments" holding me down. Being single is liberating, in that way. But thanks, your posts are helping put things into perspective and find a good "plan of action."
princessa Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Hey if you're still in girlfriend / boyfriend mode I suggest you tell him that you need another break. I told my guy that I want to be his friend and I want everything to be normal between us, and that I want to be able to just enjoy his company again without stressing about the relationship. Just that I'm going through lots of emotions and need to pull away to analyze some of this stuff. This has helped me a lot. It wasn't one of those heartbreaking kind of breakes, cause I told him that I want to be on good terms with him, and that there's still hope... So hopefully if you let him down gently like this none of you will be freaking out about losing the other. It's also a good idea to have this kind of break to transition to being friends... And I am now calmer and more objective about the situation, and just able to take care of myself instead of always worrying about him and stressing about the relationship. I'm also calmer towards him, and instead of resentment I have nothing but the good memories resurfacing... I'm also kind of able to see my faults as well.. I mean in a perfect world, because I trust his intentions I should have probably been able to just stick it out through all the hard times and take care of both of us while he wasn't able to take care of me. Instead I started getting stressed out about the smallest things that he doesn't do for me. I think it's important to analyze where you might have gone wrong on your side also, even though its seems like it's mostly his fault. It probably is his fault, but these situations trigger reactions in us that are far from being the most compassionate. So yeah, the break gave me time to think about this also. Ask yourself how you can improve your own way of dealing with things and avoid stress and drama. But personally, now I'm almost scared to talk to him again on the phone, cause just hearing him being depressed about his situation would probably still freak me out, and the uncertainty of the future would keep freaking me out also. I don't know, I need to learn to manage these things. Anyways I hope everything goes well for you. Keep me posted would you.
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