Should I keep the door open or run for the hills?

[Guest]

My ex and I met in early July and were dating by mid July. We shared a very intense month together and then he ended it a month ago. We didnt fight or have issues, everything was very smooth and we both commented that for the first time ever things seemed to click. I am 25 and he is 29, we are from the both city but met on the other side of the world. Actually it turns out our dads know each other!

 

He had just come out of a very intense 16 month relationship with a psycho when he met me. He told her he had moved on with me but she kept persisting with contacting him. Naturally I felt very awkward about it and knew that part of him still loved her. I understood he would still have feelings for her as she was a very recent ex but he was telling me i was the one and he had broken new ground with me and that I was what he always wanted and couldnt believe he was going to settle for second best.

 

He wanted to break up as he said he needed time to clear his head and digest everything that had happened. He also said his family and friends had told him he had changed whilst he was with the psycho and he wanted to get back to being his true self. He also was feeling pressure from his parents (his dad is dying) and his parents were thrilled when they heard he had met me and were already making big statements about the future (I think his dad wants to see him settled before he dies). They live abroad and apparently were calling him 3/4 times a week to see how things were going with me. They were so glad he had finished with the psycho ex.

 

He told me I had done nothing wrong and I hadnt put any pressure on him. He said he would like to think we could rekindle something down the track but he didnt specify when. I was mature about it and walked away very surprised but also glad that it hadnt been a 6 month relationship - I wasnt heart broken but a bit sad. I guess part of me was very confident he would return cos I knew how good we are together.

 

I knew that his lurking ex was definitely wanting to get back with him and he admitted to me that he still loves her very much. He knows that she has done some unforgivable things and his family will never accept her back but I can tell he still cares a great deal for her. He has said to me a relationship with her is not sustainable.

 

Anyway it has been a month since it ended with me, and we have been in touch each week but only really seen each other once and that was less than a week ago.

 

He has initiated most of the contact and last Thursday he came to my leaving drinks as I am moving jobs. I didnt invite him, he actually said he wanted to come and then he called twice on the night and came to the bar. After the drinks we went out to another bar just the two of us and had a fantastic time. I guess I was completely relaxed as I didnt feel any pressure and I was just being myself. He was telling me that he thought I was in great form and how the time apart has made him appreciate me so much more. He said that if I happen to meet someone in the next month or two he will really regret letting me go. He also said he can see that I am really happy at the moment and he is very happy in the place where he is at the moment. He said that he meant all the things he had said to me when we were together (im assuming 'the one') etc. At the end of the night we kissed but then we went to our respective flats and he didnt suggest coming back to mine or me coming back to his.

 

The next day, last Friday, I get an email at work saying that he had a great time with me last night and the spark is definitely still alive between us. I replied and said 'the spark seemed brighter last night than what it was when we were a couple.' He said 'take the pressure off and the spark was considerably brighter, couple or not...'

 

This gave me a very happy feeling over the weekend but I was surprised when I hadnt heard from him by Tuesday evening. I was thinking, we had such a good night on Thursday, I am really surprised he hasnt contacted me to see me again this week.

 

Anyway I sent him an email last night and he replied this morning. He was friendly in his tone and he asked me questions giving me the opportunity to reply but he wasnt flirtatious at all. He ended it with 'Love Ben x'

 

I dont want to put pressure on him but at the same time I cant help but feel he is keeping me on 'luke warm'. I am thinking about him alot and I was fine over the weekend cos I was thinking about our happy night together on Thursday but now I am not sure. He said to me on Thursday night that he wanted to meet me for lunch this week but he hasnt mentioned it since.

 

From a guy's perspective - how should I read it? Is he just keeping me 'sweet' to keep his options open? Or should I be patient and give him his time to sort himself out and keep the door open?

[ddd]

]Hey there, I'm not a guy but I may have an objective view from reading your post. I'd be careful if I were you. You sound like a great person and are happy with your life at the moment, with no emotinal baggage holding you down. He has a lot of baggage and openly admits to still loving his ex. This is worrying and sounds like a rebound. If things click then there should be fireowrks for the first 3 months of the relationship, at least. This should be the honeymoon period where you are all over each other. PLaying luke warm and doing the disappearing act for days and then re-appearing when and if he wants does not sound that good to me. Guard your heart - that's all I'm saying. You are happy with your life - make sure that you don't give him the chance to play with your happiness.

[Heart66]

I agree with the previous post from DDD. [i too am female] I'm sort of in the same boat right now. Our issue isnt about a recent girlfriend, but more that he hasn't healed from the negativity of his divorce 3 years ago. [Having never been married/divorced, I feel that 3 years is enough time for him to move on. But other divorcees tell me he's not emotionally ready to commit to me fully.] Priorities and timing is everything, and we aren't on the same page. I am ready for the next step, and he isn't.[Also, his priority is his 2 children that HE is raising since the divorce] So at his request, we are "on a break" while he gets his head/emotions together.

 

Heres the deal...I love him, but I have no guarentee that he will be back or that his heart is going to catch up to mine. Neither do you! I suggest you do as the previous poster says, and what I am doing. That is,(1) guard your heart. And (2) Don't sit around and wait for him! Live your life. Date new people. Allow him to grow and miss you. If you really are something special, not having you in his life will make him realize that and he'll return, ready to love you fully AS U DESERVE. And if not...you didn't invest a lot of time on a dead end.

 

Good luck. I know how you feel, as I am basically going thru the same thing. I hope it all works out for the best [for BOTH of us!]

[LuckyT]

I'll tell u a long story hehe

I am 24 and i met my first boyfriend when i had just turned 21, he was soo hot and cold. I was fairly innocent at the time and didn't understand why he was so up and down with me. He would call me every day and we would meet up regulary but he refused to meet my family and friends and i never got to be involved in his life. We just spent alot of one on one time together talking and listening to music. I was in love from the begining and tried everthing i could to be there for him and listen to him. I was like his puppy sicko i know but i just couldn't help but give him tons of unconditional love even though he would break my heart on a fortnightly basis. Anyway as time went on it was always like 2 steps forward 2 steps back. We would get closer and closer then he would pull away and get scared for some reason. Just when i thought i couldn't take it anymore it all changed. It turned out that he had terrible mixed up emotions from his first relationship that ended over 7 years ago!! he had always kept in contact with the girl by phone and evey girlfriend since then he just couldn't give his whole heart to. Well she had treated him very cruely when they broke up, he was no angel either but he simply hadn't moved on after all those years. He decided to meet up with her to try to resolve some of his feelings. He told me afterwards knowing that i would have been upset and worried. Well the thought of him spending a night with this ex made me feel sick when he told me. But after seeing her he decided that he could finnaly move on and that he never wanted any contact with her again. Anyway its like a giant weight has been lifted off his shoulders! His personality has improved 10 fold since then, he is happy and doing well with buisness and our relationship is really great now. Amazing! But i dont think he would have figured it out if it wasn't for all the love that i gave him for so long. I could never do that again though. Got to a point where i even went on antidepresents! If you can handle hard times and think the person is worth it sometimes it does finally work out i guess. Now we are together all the time! Friends family everyone basically said i should leave him. I just couldn't! sometimes dreams do come true i guess.