Tomtabear Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 O.k. so here it is. I've been with my husband now for 11 years married almost four. I started having an A with a MM. I've known him almost as long as I've known my H. And I have fallen in love with my MM. We both agreed we wouldn't leave our S. He stays for his grandchildren and I stay because my husband was diagnosed with cancer a year ago and has been ill. I've told him how I feel about him and he said he didn't get into this to hurt me. Yet I am hurting. I hate the weekends I know he's with his MW. But I'm beginning to wonder if his feelings are changing. First let me say he is alot older than me. He asked me one day why I wanted to be with men that were going to die on me. I did tell him I've always dated older men. When we are alone he always stares deep in my eyes when we are just talking. He gets jealous at times and me too. I told him one day it didn't make sense why he would get jealous and he said no it didn't looking me in the eye and then kissed me. We work together and spend lunch time talking. Sometimes when no one is around he will play footies with me. Last night he was showing me pictures of one of his granddaughters and talking about some other old home movies he had and saying he can't believe he's been with them that long. One week I had been out helping my H who was sick. He told me he missed me then told me again he really did miss me. So what's up with him. Am I just being a fool in love or what? I ponder this all the time and it's driving me insane.
whichwayisup Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Get your priorities straight. Imagine how YOU would feel if your husband was having an affair while you were suffering and going through cancer! Stop the affair now, it's SO selfish of you to think of yourself right now! How could you do this to your husband?? And, the MM is NOT your friend, if he truely was, he wouldn't be pursuing a married woman who's husband has cancer! You both are providing eachother things that you both aren't getting at home with your own spouses. That ain't love, it's fantasy and lust - The fun stuff in life, not the awful stuff that goes on, like a spouse with cancer. I'm sorry to be harsh, reading this thread nearly made me sick because recently one of my closest friends went through treatments for breast cancer and all I can say is her husband was her strength, her rock, her entire life. He was there for her 24/7 during the 'worst' part of her life...He didn't bail on her and their two young children. I think you need to take a look inside yourself. Take a giant step back, take the blinders off, and see what your life is like now. Also, do you have children?
lovernotafighter Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I am no one to give advice because I am just starting my NC now with my MM..but it was these things that kept telling me how deeply he feels for me. he loved stare into my eyes especially while making love, even more over when I was having a O, and that was unreal if we did that at the same time,he became more and more intimate with me and it was kinda unworldly to be so connected with someone. he told me once he was happy 60% of the time happy because he had his child, he was at work 12 + hours a day and because he had me..he said the sad 40% was the time he had to share with his wife, yet he doesn't want to be LTR with me besides a A?? I am sure your MM loves you, and you him, but where do you draw the line in the sand? I thought I could deal with this and found out I couldn't...it's probably going to happen to you to, if you want to just have the A your gonna have to try not think about these moments..for me with out them, we full filled needs for each other and I believe we could have been content. but these moments were to overwhelming for me, and it's hard to wrap my mind around how MM doesn't want that full time..eventually you will ask your self the same thing and it's gonna hurt you. please take heed from this..once true feelings get involved it's a uphill battle..are you ready? stay strong and remember your priorities, it is easy for things to get clouded by love.
KrisMuseumGirl Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I feel for you as you are in a very tough spot. I feel terrible that you are living with a disease that could kill your H. I feel terrible that you are torn. It sounds like you guys have cut your own deal and decided to stick it out with your S's to (on the public view) do the right thing to avoid causing real pain for many people. It also sounds like you've found tru love with the OM. I'm not really sure what the issue is. Are you hoping that you will be with your MM if (God forbid) something happens to your husband and you're concerned that he won't leave? If that's the case, why would you want him to? You guys made the agreement to keep things looking normal so the grandkids etc remain happy - so why would you want him to change that now? If you love him - you'll understand where he's coming from.
quankanne Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 true love? Excuse me, but her situation sounds like shelter from reality. For both players in this affair. look, tom – you need to fish or cut bait. Just because your husband is battling cancer doesn't mean you need to stick around if your heart isn't fully focused on your marriage, because he deserves better than divided loyalty from you, even if it's painful to consider divorce right now. the right thing isn't screwing around on your husband but staying with him because you feel sorry for him because he's ill. Doing the right thing is to either let him go or to put the effort you're giving some tawdry affair back into your marriage. As I said, fish or cut bait. Either way, all parties benefit in the long run.
KrisMuseumGirl Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Quack head! See I don't agree. How does it help to dump a guy with Cancer? What would the family think? You sound like one of those guys that took a night class in morality and are regurgiting the pamphlet! Get over yourself! Life is more complicated than "fish or cut bait". There's alot to consider and sometimes just continuing the course is the path of least resistance and keeps family and friends safe. Ya think?
quankanne Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 What would the family think? it's more offensive to leave a marriage when one of the partners is battling cancer than it is to sleep around on that person? Sorry, but your logic is warped, IMO, because the sick person doesn't need his or her partner's divided loyalty on top of the illness. It'd be far less cruel to leave now, rather than have that person later learn his/her marriage was betrayed. UNLESS they've got an open marriage, which changes the playing field. There's alot to consider and sometimes just continuing the course is the path of least resistance and keeps family and friends safe. safe from what? The truth? That's kind of a lame mentality, and it doesn't help her solve the problem, though upon rereading her original post, this answer isn't what she asked about (sorry Tom, I'll un-digress now). You ask, So what's up with him? sounds like your lover is having second thoughts about the affair, most likely his mortality has hit him smack between the eyes because he realizes that he's not that much better of a catch than a husband battling cancer. That if you stick with him, you lose because he *is* older.
Author Tomtabear Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 Thanks for all your responses and I will not leave my husband in his time of need. Like I said I do love him that much. And for those that tell me to leave you've got to understand my father in law died of cancer 2 years ago. There have been many deaths in the family since. Plus my H has five kids all adults and 12 grandchildren. His family has become mine throughout everything that has happened. I don't want to hurt anyone else. But I am hurting over everything. I guess what I want for now is just to know that I'm loved by my MM. Have I thought about if my husband dies if my MM would leave to be with me? Yes I have thought of that but know in my heart if he did I wouldn't be quite ready for anything for awhile. I don't have many friends I can truely talk to. The one I did have passed away a few months ago. That was really hard too. So I am depending on you all for your views. Sometimes I feel guilty about staying and think maybe I should leave and let my H find someone to love him in return. And maybe I'm not in love with him but isn't love more than that at times. More patience and understanding. By the way I am female.
justice Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Look I don't know if the cancer your husband has is the serious kind or not, all cancer is serious. But, I have one question for you; How will you feel if he (god forbid) dies? Will there be regrets, remorse? You need to think about that and remedy the situation. Sorry if this was harsh but it is my pov.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Leaving your husband in the time of need just proves you never held up your end of the Marriage vows. After all this is over, I would seriously consider understanding what Marriage and commitment is all about, then make better decisions based on knowlege. Don't get married if you can't commit a lifetime to a partner, plain and simple.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Just another POV. My aunt recently died of breast cancer. Her H was terrible to her, down to the end. She actually separated from him during her treatment but ended up going back. I found it to be extremely heart wrenching to watch someone that I loved treated so badly, even when it was obvious that the end was near. You're not doing your H a favor by sticking around if you don't truly love him.
crazy_grl Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Plus my H has five kids all adults and 12 grandchildren. His family has become mine throughout everything that has happened. I don't want to hurt anyone else. It sounds to me like your H will have plenty of support if you leave him. His family might be hurt somewhat, but most likely they'll just be angry with you. Seems like you're the one who would come out on the losing end in the situation if you left your H in his time of need. After all, you'll lose the love of a family that has essentially become yours. So are you not leaving because it's best for your H or because it's best for you? I think you only have your own interests at heart. If you really cared about what your H needed to get him through the cancer, you never would have started an affair. So basically, it seems to me that you're a selfish person who's afraid to be outed for who she really is. So instead of leaving and showing your true colors, you're having an affair. Do everyone a favor and just show them who you really are. Also, I've always thought the excuse "I can't leave because of the kids" was pretty lame. It's absolutely ridiculous to not leave because of grandchildren. What exactly does this guy think is going to happen to his grandkids if he divorces? Kids deal with and get over their parents' divorces all the time. Unless the children live with him, his divorce is not going to affect his grandkids in anywhere near as bad a the divorce of parents would. Either he has some weird, paranoid views about child development or he's making excuses.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Hi Tomtabear, I am sorry to hear that you are caught in this situation. You are posting - perhaps you want to hear what you already know in your subconscious mind? This is what I think: 1. You obviously still care about your H. Do not leave him and do not tell him of your involvement with another man. 2. Take care of him to the best of your abilities. The rest is up to him and his other families. You do not owe him 24/7, and do not feel guilty for not being able to be with him every second of his waking life. 3. It does sound like you love the MM. However, you are correct to point out that your relationship is not real - it is an escape for you from the reality of your H possibly dying soon. You are probably subconsciously trying to prevent from heartbreak upon your H's death by engaging your heart to someone else. However, understand that the relationship you have with a MM is not healthy for you. It will not make things better in the long run. You may suffer from an even bigger heartbreak. 4. Seek individual counseling. Try to understand yourself and why you are doing this. You may be depressed and need medication. It is a difficult situation to go through - having to watch your H die. Good luck.
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