London Girl Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 My ex and I had a 2 year relationship. He ended it with me in Jan 2006 but we have been seeing each other including as FWB between Jan-Aug. Neither of us have been with anyone else since the break up. Recently, I asked him how he felt about us and he said perhaps he is not ready for a serious relationship, that when the feeling is gone, if we tried again how can he get the feeling back. I then told him that I will move on with my life. However, since I said this, he has been calling me up occassionally to see how I am, arrange meeting up etc so I went along with him and still saw him. Fool that I am as its makes me feel crap afterwards as I still love and miss him terribly. We get on so well, he is really attracted to me, share the same goals so I just don't understand why he dumped me. The thing is, he still thinks we are on good terms and probably think that I am happy seeing him occassionally since everytime we speak/meet up I sound happy, making jokes etc. but deep inside it's breaking my heart. Do you think no contact is the way to go? I'm scared if I do this then I'll lose him forever. Any advice appreciated. Thanks.
Miss1984 Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Hi, I really feel for you. I went through this experience last year. My ex BF broke up with me April 2004 aftertwo years, kept changing his mind, getting back with me, breaking up again and being FWB on and off all the way up until July 2005! Neither of us was with anyone else in this time- we couldn't make a relationship work but neither of us would let go either. It only finished when I graduated uni and left the area- the distance put an end to it because after that I ignored his calls and would only reply to his begging texts to tell him to please stop and move on. It broke my heart because I loved him so much but not knowing where I stood for so long hurt me too- all I wanted was him to just be my BF again but it was a complicated situation and in the end it went so far that there was no going back to what it used to be, and if we couldn't make it work in the same city then going long distance would've been a nightmare! In the on and off period I turned down what could have been a really great relationship with someone else, I've always wondered how that would've turned out and all the time you're tied to your ex like this you may miss out on potentially great relationships too. I can't tell you what to do- I know I ignored all advice at the time! The thought of losing him is really upsetting, I know, I cried for months about it- it was hell. But when I actually decided enough was enough and tried NC- I felt relief and so much happier to be out of the destructive FWB situuation which made me so miserable for so long. It may not be as bad as you think. Of course I was sad for a long time, and it was hard but I know I was better off in the long run. You need to decide one way or the other, either you're together or you're not. In betweeny realaionships hurt like hell, damage self esteem and make you feel crappy and sad. Talk to him and decide to make a go of it or leave it. I wish I'd done that a long time before, rather than hung on in there hoping it would change. If it hurts being with someone (or FWB) and it hurts without them, you need to weigh it up because if you're without them you will get over it so the pain is temporary, but if you stay and try to ride it out the pain is ongoing. Hope this helps and good luck, whatever you decide. I know it's tough but it will work out eventually. x
Author London Girl Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 Thanks for your reply Miss1984. Do you feel better now, I'm assuming your ex has not been in contact since you instigated the NC? The thing is I have actually been on a few dates with guys, just casual lunch/drinks but I just did not feel strong enough for these guys to be in a relationship with them so I go back to my ex. Perhaps, I'm putting my ex on a pedestal. I just don't understand how he could be so besotted with me when we went out and everything was great and now it's all gone. He was so upset and cried alot when he broke up with me - I just don't understand him. I don't think men like being given ultimatiums but I know I have to do NC and stick with it but I just don't know how to say it to him. I know I will miss him as a friend too. You are right about prolonging the pain if I continue seeing him as FWB. I must stay strong and say enough is enough. The other option is continue being friends with him but then I thought if he does meet someone else that will crush me so I need to do NC now.
Miss1984 Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I feel much better now. I was sad for a long time when I initially made the decision- it still saddens me sometimes that it came to that after a relationship that was so amazing and with someone I loved so much. But when I decided it couldn't go on anymore and that it had to end, it was literally as if a weight lifted from me. I've not seen him now since July last year, he has tried contacting me but I ignored his phonecalls because I couldn't face speaking to him. If he text me I would reply because I could think about my answer and only say what needed to be said, so not get drawn into painful discussions- I knew I would be more likely to be weak and break down if we spoke. So I would reply telling him not to contact me anymore because it was too painful and wasn't going to work so there was no point. It was very, very hard- but I never initiated contact and after a while I didn't want to- there was nothing to say really. He eventually got the message and stopped contacting me. He lives in the Midlands and I'm in Sussex now so it's not like we have to bump into each other either which makes it easier. I did move on after my ex, probably before I was emotionally ready. I was seeing someone else for the last year, but that recently ended. That's a different story but I'm doing okay and this break up has been far, far easier than the first. Perhaps you don't feel enough for the men you've been on dates with because you are still holding onto your ex so you're not completely open to the idea of meeting someone new because you know he's still there? If the 'feeling has gone' for him then chances are he won't commit to the level you want and deserve. I'd say you should give him an ultimatum- 'be with me as BF and GF or that's it' type thing- that way you know and aren't left wondering that you didn't try enough- but don't get your hopes up. If he won't commit to you properly start NC. It's not fair that he's still seeing you whilst not committing to anything more than friends- especiallly as it's hurting you so much. He should respect that and realise he's not being fair to you. You can't truly start to heal and move on until you're out of this situation and not waiting in limbo anymore.
Author London Girl Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 thanks again Miss1984 - your advice is appreciated , I'm happy for you that you feel better. Do you think it is wrong to deliberately get pregnant by him? I'll be 32 soon (he's 34!) and I'm so worried about my biological clock ticking away. Surprisingly a few of my friends even supported the idea. I won't be doing it to get him back or tie him down but just because I want to have a kid before it's too late and I know I'm strong enough to raise a kid on my own. My ex even said once I'll make a great mother and I know how much he loves kids. I know it's the wrong thing to do and I probably won't do it because it will be on my conscience but I guess I'm just gutted as I really saw a future and having a family with him. He even talked about us retiring abroad etc. I need to let him go, I really do.
Miss1984 Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I see your point, but morally I think it's wrong and you know that too. Even though you say you wouldn't be doing it to get him back, does a part of you want to keep a piece of him and allow a connection between the two of you to remain? If you had his child you'd create a whole lot more grief for yourselves- even though he loves kids, he might not want one now. And if he suspected or found out you'd gotten pregnant deliberately it could create even more hostility. I don't doubt that you are strong enough to go it alone, but at 32 you've still got so much time left to meet someone who you can be in a loving relationship with you and be around to raise a child with you. You could look back and realise you made a huge mistake, by tying yourself to someone else (probably creating more emotional heartache for yourself)- and also bringing a completely innocent party into the whole thing- your baby. I'm only 22, so I can only imagine your urgency to have children, but I really hope you make the decision that's right for you. You can see it's the wrong thing to do, so I honestly think you're just trying to keep hold of the future you want to have with your ex- rather than really considering it as a possibility. Best of luck and let me know how it works out- if you want to!
Author London Girl Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 You are right Miss1984! I'm not going to do it - I think I was going through a bad moment when I thought about the idea. A baby should come into this world wanted by both parents. I cannot go on like this, just going round in circles. I've beginning to accept that he does not want to be with me and that I need to move on - he even contacted me last week saying he hope to see me soon but I did not respond whereas before I would reply straight away. I need to get to that stage when I say enough is enough and stick with the NC. Anyway, thanks for your advice and knocking some sense into me!
Miss1984 Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I know that feeling of going round and round in circles! Once you stop and take a step back, though, you will feel better. You've taken the first step by ignoring his message. NC is usually a gradual thing anyway, because you tend to break it or have a few slip ups until you are strong enough to stick to it and realise it's for the best. You'll get there. I mean, you already know what you have to do, which is half the battle, it's just getting to the point of doing what needs to be done. Maybe you should have a talk with him, or write him a letter or something explaining this situation is wrong and causing you pain and it's not right to do it anymore. That way he'll know your decision and stay away. He should see it's not fair to keep stringing you along and respect your decision and leave you alone. Then you can begin NC with the air clear and he won't keep trying to contact you. You're welcome, anytime. It's so much easier to give advice and to think rationally about problems that aren't your own! Ha ha x
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