binky girl Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 hi. my boyfriend and i have been living together for about 3.5 years in almost complete bliss. we have had our ups and downs like everyone else, but maybe dare i say 90% it's been all bliss. we have very similar backgrounds, same interests and rarely have disagreements. 3 months ago after a disagreement my boyfriend said he realized it was time we got married. but two weeks later he backed out and wanted to break up. i asked that we take a time out and work on this, bec we both still love each other very much -- and i understand he has commitment fear and i believe i can love him thru the pain and fear he needs to resolve. he moved out of our condo and we talk all the time and see each other weekends. we also have separate and joint meetings with a therapist. i'm in my mid 30's already, so you can see we're not kids. i know this is very very hard on him. and i am doing all that i can do to be strong and show him more love and support every chance i get. but he tends to be more distant when he thinks i am strong enough to stand without him. and sometimes, he really just is so cold and distant and it makes me so depressed as a result. i know he loves me too. and just the fact that he is getting therapy and help means that he wants to get over this and wants to get better. but the days that he pushes me away just breaks my heart and i am human too. i am also fragile and many times i just break down and cry. i miss my boyfriend, he really was my life. i know he is still in there and that one day he will come back. but how can i support him and encourage him more? i have prayed about this over and over. and bec of this, i've been in tons of therapy myself. i've been reading all i can about commitment phobia and how to deal with it. and i have been running to my closest friends who understand ( mind you, most friends don't understand why i am doing this, nor my family). but i have decided that i am going to love my commitment phobic boyfriend til he overcomes this fear. but there are days when i feel like he's not making progress. yes, he is going to therapy, but i can feel that he really makes an effort to make me feel like i am just a friend. he doesnt call me sweet names, he doesnt say he loves me anymore. but when i see him ( we see each other weekly), he still acts like the boyfriend i loved... i know deep down inside, my boyfriend is still there. he's just afraid and confused and scared, but he is there. but its the guy that pushes me away, that scares me to death. i constantly fear that we are growing apart. and to some extent, my fears are true. he is growing away from me. and i am still here. waiting for him to realize something and come back. but what if he never does? how can i help a commitment phobe overcome this fear? before it kills me? i can' t and i refuse to move on. i am determined to love him thru this fear. but in the process, i am devastated. i am so incredibly hurt. i dont know what to do anymore. i want to be strong and love him thru this. and prove that his fears are wrong. and he is getting therapy and thats a good start right? but what else can i do???
LuckyT Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 hey babe. Personally i believe the best thing you can do is to stop the therapy and start dating other people and focusing on your own life. If he really loves you this will make him realise he better grab you b4 you lose interest. I know you love each other very muchly! but commitment pobics love a chalenge! be chalenging, let him hunt you down!! Dont answer all his calls, dont call him! work a little bit of mystery into this situation. Honest, it works!
UnknowingOW Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 My CP was in therapy for almost 2-years. The only change in our now ended realtionship was getting an engagement ring. He is right where he was with his fears. I finally walked away from the whole crazy mess. You cannot change a CP only they can, and most of time they won't. Their fears are to great from them to overcome. I understand you wanting to be strong...I've been there an done that and nothing changed. When you are ready and he's driven you to the point of craziness, despair, and resentfulness, you will probably walk away. And he will try an make you stay..."because he loves you" It's a push pull relationship with no solution. I wish you the best.
Greensleaves Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Hey, I just was let down by a CP without a fair warning, even without really realizing he was CP, because he always seemed to be into me so much and always made it sound as if all the other relationships hadn't worked out because it was the wrong time and wrong person. (he just passed his mid30 and I am a little younger, so similar to you and your bf) I guess it is good sign that yours is doing therapy and is willing to change things, but maybe you actually need to get a little distant yourself and if it is just to get less hurt by the situation. My sister is with a CP, too, for 3 years now as well and everytime he got distant and walked away, she physically walked away herself, too, which made him realize after a while that it is her she wants. But it has been hard work for her and she lived through many disteressing moments and even though they live together these days and it sounds as if it is mostly bliss, it is still lots of hard work on her part. Now I gather you are willing to invest a lot for him. I guess the best you can do is focus on yourself and have a "Plan B" if the phobia gets the best of him despite his willingness to work on it. Try to enjoy your life, do the things you always wanted to do and yes be there for him, but only when he explicitly asks for it and makes some efforts. (the hunting down bit) I know it is easier said then done, but I'm afraid its inevitable. It seems that the 2-3 years barrier is kinda the make-it or break-it barrier for CPs because before they can always tell themselves that it is not that serious yet that talking about marriage etc does not require any actions and therefore there is no need for them to freak out.... (and then of course the age comes into play as well, in your mid 20ies you can still tell yourself, I'm too young etc etc etc) Take care, I hope it will work out for you and that your bf will be able to overcome his fears eventually...
Aussie65 Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 hey hun,ya know I feel like your telling my story here.My boyfriend left me last week,he moved out of my house two weeks before and now he's moved state. He suffers from severe depression and he also gets therapy but not enough.We had a great life together,I felt he was the one for me and I know he loves me but he started to push me away as well and in the end he disappeared,no call....nothing to tell me he was even leaving so as you can imagine I have been heartbroken. I gave this man all the love and support anyone could give but once he started pushing me away I felt unwanted and uneeded and I have to admit I did get upset but I told him how much I loved him and was here for him many times. After a week of getting a verse from him only he called me,I felt I knew what he was going to say but he told me he felt so bad for me,that I have a family,a job and I need to take care of those things.I asked him if he loved me and he wanted to save my feelings but after asking a few times he told me how much he did infact love me but we have no future together. I feel your pain and like myself I need to move on honey.As much as I love this guy he is right.I am taking anti depressents because of all this....my lifes been like a roller coaster and I miss him sooooooooooo much but I need to find someone that is more stable like yourself.It's hard I know but it's reality.I lost 13 kgs and I am finding it hard to function but I have to look after myself I know this just like yourself. I wish you all the best....I honestly wish there was a cure for this so we both can have our guys back.
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