Am I Crazy?

[Fusa]

Its 4:33 am here, though, this isn't an uncommon time for me to be up at, tonight I've been doing a lot of thinking and not coming to any answers - my story is a long one, I guess providing the biggest amount of information will yeild the best results.. so here I go.

 

I'm 26 years old as of July of this year, i met my husband my first day of college (I was 18). I fell for him almost overnight, there was just so much chemistry.. he's all that I thought about all day, all night, I spent every waking hour (and sleeping too!) with him. When we first met he had a girlfriend who was quickly out of the picture... he let her know things were pretty much over.. after that we became "officially an item" i suppose you could say.

 

College was hard, to say the least, he was "Mr. Popular" and girls would literally throw themselves at him, though most were ignored, i kept a close eye on him at parties etc. There were a few particular circumstances where I busted in on him in percular situations - e.g. sitting in the weight room with some girl he knew from highschool with his brother claiming "he didn't do anything and was just watching". One night he went out to a bachelor party with his fraternity brothers, they were all home by 1, however he was not home by 3 am... I waited and waited, finally around 5 he showed up completely bombed drunk. I helped him to bed.

 

A few months later I found out (from one of his close friends) that he had gone home with a stripper, woke up, found himself there, didn't know where he was so he left and called from the nearest payphone for a ride home. I confronted him about this and he said he didn't remember anything. I told him how i needed something, some sort of commitment.. anything. He told me he loved me and he'd do anything for me.. I asked him if he would move out of his fraternity house (this was something he swore would never happen) and he agreed.. a few weeks later we had an apartment together with one of our mutal friends Joe (Joe's girlfriend was supposed to have moved in too but thats a different story)!

I know it was a big step for him moving out for his Senior year, but he coped well.. after he graduated he asked me if I'd be interested in moving home with him to live with his dad (his parents are seperated). I agreed and we lived at his father's house - or rather rented the upstairs for two years while saving for a house.

 

While we still lived there (I suppose about 3-4 years ago) we all went to the beach with his brother, his brother's girlfriend, and a lot of mutual friends. We went to the bar and i drank far too much far too fast and went home and passed out. I woke up probably around 2-3 am freezing. I knew we had blankets in my car so i went to my purse to get my keys. My keys were gone so I figured he was already out there getting the blankets. I walked out of the house and started down the street towards my car and didn't see him there so I turned around. But something, no clue what it was, something inside told me to turn around.. so I did and i got closer to the car only to see something in the back seat. I walked up to the car to find him in there with his brother's girlfriend (my now sister-in-law). I freaked out, but i remember my fear being that he'd leave me.. I had put on some weight due to being on the pill and went from the slim size 1 he had met me at to about a size 9. I ran back to the house and curled up on the floor and just cried. She came in shortly after and went straight upstairs. He came in and tried to talk/cuddle with me and i just got up and walked outside. I asked him why and he said he didn't know. I told him we were leaving first thing in the morning.

The next morning I was up by 7 am, before pretty much anyone else, i shoved him until he woke up, handed him the keys and made him drive home. As we were pulling away in the car his brother jumped out the front door yelling "its ok.. seriously guys come back jen told me everything."

 

We didn't speak at all on the ride home, I went upstairs and locked myself in there for literally hours before I'd let him in to speak with me. He told me he didn't know why he did it, only that he was stupid and drunk. I threatened to move out and move in with my mother and he begged forgiveness.. I gave it to him.. I really had no intentions of leaving - I just was looking for a reaction I guess. She apologized to me for it, I accepted her apology as well.

 

So the months went by and eventually the memories had all but faded from my mind, we had saved enough money for a house and I was very excited. We moved in about two and a half years ago to an awesome little house.. three bedrooms on an acre of land in a nice neighborhood. I love it here, we have two dogs, a cat, and my fishtank.

 

I have never been the "responsible" one as far as being an adult.. i've always lived paycheck to paycheck - not that I didn't make a lot of money, I made a good amount, but he was always the better "saver", he paid the bills, I just gave him money every month for my part of things. I promised myself that I'd start taking better care of myself and went on an altered southbeach diet.. over 6 months I lost about 30 lbs and I got down to 110 lbs (thats where I still am, though the weight gain took a little bit of a toll on my body, I still look pretty good I felt good about myself and I could tell he was happy too. A few months before we got our house we got enganged.. (i guess i left this part out!) The ring was perfect.. it was exactly what I wanted, the moment was awesome.. and I said yes! I'd been waiting on him for 5 years and finally he asked

Life was good in our new home.. except for the fact that each time we were intimate I was less and less into it. I looked at him and I knew I loved him but something had changed. I look at him now and I see my best friend but theres something lacking. He told me once that if you took a jar and put a jelly bean in it for every time you had sex before you were married, then started taking one out for everytime you had sex after you were married you would never empty the jar. I laughed it off but I find myself now a year and a half into our marriage wondering if he wasn't right. I have little to no interest in having sex with him. He comes home and its nice to see him but i can't say I'm excited. I recently went away on a work trip for a week, and I can't say i really missed him. I thought about him, but it wasn't missing him as much as it was missing being home with my familiarities.

 

As I'm thinking of him now - I know that I love him in some way but its not the way I pictured a marriage to be, I can see myself settling down and having kids with him, but I don't know if its whats right for me. I tell him I love him every day and I do in a way, just not the way you're supposed to love your husband when you say "I love you". But I'm scared to death that if I leave theres nothing better out there, that I'd end up with some other man somewhere else in the same situation where I can just never be happy. We have a lot in common, more than most people who have been married their whole lives.. and for the world I wish I could tell you whats lacking but I just can't. I've felt this way for a long time now and each day the nagging reminder in the back of my head gets worse.

 

To backtrack a little bit here.. we play a lot of computer games together, online ones with developed communities etc. A few months ago we started up a game we used to play and met up with some old "gamer friends". A few of them lived in our area so we decided to all meet up and head out to the bar one night. It was a good time to put some names to faces etc. I had fun and so did he One of the guys we played with I had a lot in common with, and we talked almost daily over MSN while I was at work. So I started talking to this guy more and more and we joked around a lot. He took me out to lunch a few times since he lived literally right next to my work and eventually I fell for him. There was something that made me feel good about myself, something that made me smile as I hadn't smiled in I don't know how long, and something that I'd been looking for but not able to find in my marriage. We flirted for the better part of 2 months before I finally kissed him - I knew it was wrong but something inside drove me to do it. This was about 6 months ago that the first kiss happened.. I still go to see him about once per week, with the occasional night over and he still holds my heart. I know I probably sound like a terrible person at this point, but let me continue.

Is it possible to love two people at once? Yes, but in different ways I suppose. I find myself loving my husband in a way I would love a best friend while loving the "other guy" in a way I wished I loved my husband, but I can't seem to find a way to make that happen. I've talked to the OG about leaving my husband and my fears in doing so, and he asked me "if you left him would it be for me" and I answered no. And truthfully it wouldn't be, I'd been having these feelings about my husband long before I met up with this guy. So why haven't I acted on them? I'm afraid of giving up something that I don't realize I have.. maybe somehow I'll realize that I have it as "perfect" as all my friends tell me I do. I'm afraid of being on my own, I literally went from living with my parents to living with my husband, then buying a house. I got married when I was 24, enganged when I was barely 23.. very young on both accounts. I don't want to stay in a marriage just to realize 10 years down the line that I should have listened to myself 10 years prior and realized something was lacking. However I don't want to leave and make it the biggest regret of my life.

 

I'm having an affair, that should tell me something is wrong, and I realize there is something wrong - I also realize having an affair won't fix this. So I'm sitting here contemplating my decisions. I said before that i loved my husband as a best friend, and I do.. if i ever broke his heart i'd be crushed. I almost hope that he would be the one to come to me and tell me that he just doesn't know if he's in love with me anymore so I could breathe a sigh of relief and say.. "i know exactly how you feel" and have us go our seperate ways with somewhat of a friendship. But I know that he does love me, and I know he puts up with my whiney cranky butt and he never ever complains. I'm very lazy and he never yells, we never fight, he makes dinner, cleans, cooks.. does everything every woman would ever want a man to do. But I suppose I'm a terrible person for wanting something more.

 

I've thought about just writing a long note telling him how I feel.. I've always been better at writing out my feelings then talking one on one, I tend to forget my thoughts and mix up my words when I speak. Leaving it on the table and just telling him i'll be back in a few days so we can talk about it.. leaving both of us time to think before discussing things. Is it possible for us to have an "good breakup". Is it possible that I'm not such a terrible person for not seeing/appreciating everything I have and feeling that something is missing. I have no idea what to do.. I've tried to "enjoy" my marriage, and I do, we have a wonderful time together but if we never slept together again I wouldn't be upset. I love my house, and my dogs, and I don't know if I could just give this all up.. its very scary. And I don't want to ruin his life, but I'm afraid that by staying with him feeling this way that I'll inevitably end up doing just that eventually.

Back to the "other guy". He's still in college! I know I know... he's 21 and I'm 26, he has a year left and I've been trying to push him away so he sticks with things and finishes up school before making any "big plans". He's told me that he loves me and that if I want him to finish school before persuing anything than by all means, he'll do so. So we do more talking now than anything, he's more of just a listening ear for me and a good friend and confidant - but he still has my heart, deep down inside, I'm just trying to keep him out of whats going on in my home so he doesn't feel responsible for anything.

 

And finally the hardest part of things. Our friends.. i say "our" because with the exception of about 2 girls i speak to from highschool all of my friends are also my husband's friends and vice versa. We come from two very closely knit fraternity/sorority houses from college. I don't know how I, or we, or he could explain to them that we're just not together anymore, I don't know how they would react or how he would react if we broke up and ended up meeting up one night. I don't know how I would act if he brought another girl, nor how he would react if i showed up with another guy.

 

I don't know how to know when its definate that I can just unbuild what i've spent the last 8 years of my life building.

I'm very confused, very scared, and very lonely... I wish I could see the future, but instead all I can do is ask for advice... sorry for rambling

 

Anything anyone has to offer.. thank you..

[BatteredByLove]

you're having an affair... go get some counseling before you end up hurting yourself and your husband.

 

-BBL

[umbolava]

First of all stop having the affair. Second get some courage to call it quits or continue the marriage before kids complicate the situation.

[JaneInVegas]

I'm having an affair, that should tell me something is wrong, and I realize there is something wrong - I also realize having an affair won't fix this. So I'm sitting here contemplating my decisions. I said before that i loved my husband as a best friend, and I do.. if i ever broke his heart i'd be crushed. I almost hope that he would be the one to come to me and tell me that he just doesn't know if he's in love with me anymore so I could breathe a sigh of relief and say.. "i know exactly how you feel" and have us go our seperate ways with somewhat of a friendship. But I know that he does love me, and I know he puts up with my whiney cranky butt and he never ever complains. I'm very lazy and he never yells, we never fight, he makes dinner, cleans, cooks.. does everything every woman would ever want a man to do. But I suppose I'm a terrible person for wanting something more.

 

For you to 'want something more' doesn't make you a terrible person. However, I don't think it's in your best interest, or your husbands, to stay in this situation where you seem to be taking advantage of him. He does most of the housework, he is the responsible one that pays the bills, and you're having an affair. I'm not holier than thou, I've had a couple of affairs myself. However, currently I live all by myself, pay all my bills myself, and clean my house myself. I couldn't stand being married to my ex, so I DID something about it, because the affairs were killing me emotionally. And that's what you need to do, too. Either stop using your husband and taking him for granted .... or move out and get a divorce. It's not fair to either of you to be wasting your lives.

[silentcharon]

Holy .... wow.

 

I agree with the other posters.

 

Stop the affair- get MC. At least try to salvage the relationship, maybe you need to get back in touch with yourself, find that love for your husband again. Otherwise, if you simply don't love him anymore as you have stated, if you want to continue the affair, at least come clean, and get a divorce.

 

Who cares about your friends? In fact, the break up will help you find out who your real friends are.

 

The worries you describe come only after a break up and you deal with it then, not beforehand. It is utterly ridilicious- "Hmm, I want to break up with him, but he might get a gf later on, or I might date a new guy later on, it'll hurt him/me, so maybe I shouldn't break up with him then."

 

It's exactly the same as, "Hmm, I want to break up with him, but I can't afford to live on my own, he can't either, so maybe I shouldn't do it then."

 

My point is that, those things are not what you should worry about. It only shows you are in the relationship for the security- another wrong reason to be in the relationship. Those kinds of things fall in place after a break up, I know- I had to deal with it myself. I was with my ex for nearly 7 years (though we didn't get married or get a house)- I was deathly afraid of the pain that would come if I saw him with another girl. I had to find a new place, which wasn't easy for myself since I'm a student, living on my own. You will find a way to continue your life, life does go on after a break up.

 

 

Keep us posted!