Huband used ESCORTS before wedding

[28ylime]

Married 5 months now, and it's been a rocky road. Perhaps what makes it so difficult is that i no longer feel I know the person I married. While dating for a year and a half he never displayed any interest in girl mags, dirty movies, or even discussing what celebreties he was attracted to. I thought I had a real gentlemen. A month after the wedding while putting together pics of our celebration I came across the photos from his bachelor party. I was blown away. There he was with 2 naked girls doing gymnastics on him and his hands on their breasts. He wasn't at a club, it was a home show, at a mutual friend's house. Sick. The photos went on and on, with other guys at the party licking breasts, getting lap dances, and getting undressed themselves. My husband was in about half of these, usually with a breast in his hand. I can only imagine what wasn't captured on film. I can remember him telling me so many times how he disliked strip clubs and hated to go with other bachelor parties, so I didn't even think to lay any rules before he went out that night.

 

He was there when I saw the pics, was unapologetic that he had done it, and was only sorry that I had found them. But insisted that is what happens at all bachlor parties. He also insisted that he never touched anyone, although it was in clear sight. We had a second wedding reception the next day for his relatives that i forced a smile though. I've tried to move on and get over it, but a lot of trust was lost.

 

Hence my recent snooping... tonight (while he's out of town for a week) I noticed his email was logged in and I looked at his sent emails. I found a dozen emails (a minute apart) to various girls from a local escort website:

 

Can I get you for 30 minutes this morning?

I live in XXXXXXXXXX. I will do Outcall too though.

I hope I can get 1/2 price though.

 

All the emails were the same. This was from last februrary while we were engaged. His incoming emails were deleted so I don’t know what they wrote back or if a meeting took place. How insane is that?? I didn’t even know such a thing exisited. I’m no prude, but seriously! I havn’t talked to him yet and he will be home in 3 days. I’m not sure I should bring it up while he’s 800 miles away.

 

Our reletionship is great, he’s my best friend. In our day to day life, he’s respectful, supportive, funny, and my greatest advocate. I don’t feel like I know the person that did the above acts. He hides that side from me.

 

The other factor in this whole thing.. we have a medeocre sex life. He’s on antidepressants that supress his sex drive. I am often turned down when I initiate although when we do have sex, it’s very good! We probably have sex about once/wk. So that’s the other part that perplexes me… why is he looking for sex elsewhere when I’ve got plenty right here? I’m attractive, and while training for a marathon, in the best shape of my life.

 

What should I do???? I want to save this reletionship, but after writing this out, I feel so foolish for falling for this man.

[JamesM]

If you still love him and believe there is hope, then a confrontation with him is in order. Personally, I am not sure it will help, but sit down with him and ask him whether he had any escorts prior to marriage but while you were dating. I am guessing that he will say that these women never answered back and he really never meant what he typed. But he must now agree to letting you know where he is at all times. His computer must be an open book to you. He must make it so that you can contact him at any moment. He must carry a cell phone, and you must have access to the records.

 

Truthfully, I am going to say that he has an addiction. If he is asking for thirty minutes, he wants the rush of a climax not the feel of a woman or her companionship. I have to say that I am not sure that this relationship can be saved. Shortterm yes, but in the longterm, I am willing to guess he will not change. Why do I say this? Usually I am fairly optimistic, but when a guy uses escorts during the engagement period, then when the marriage gets tough...and it will...then he will not be faithful.

 

Good luck.

[28ylime]

The only thing I've denied him in our reletionship is swallowing. It makes me physically sick, not anything else. So I've offered despite my tummy troubles, but he declines. I wonder if he wanted one last "swallow" before we married. I know it was very important to him, as it came up early in our dating.

 

But there have just been too many lies. I don't want to worry about him and what he's doing. I trusted him 100% before and I guess I don't even want a marriage where I have to worry or check up. He travels a lot for work and that makes it impossible for me to track him anyways.

 

*Sigh* We just bought a house and started a business together. The present is soooo wonderful, I hate to ruin it with the past, but I feel like a sucker not to leave. I'd hate to look back years from now with a cheating husband and wish I had ended it now. Or will I look back with a great husband and think of how strong we've become after overcoming these trials.

[whichwayisup]

I hate to ruin it with the past

 

No, he has ruined it, not you. You are just reacting and dealing with HIS selfish choices.

 

If you love him and want to save this marriage, fix it. Talk to him, let him know how hurt you are by what he's done, and ask him to -No, TELL him he must go to marriage counselling with you. And if he isn't willing to change his ways, meaning stopping wtf he's doing now, then the marriage is over.

 

You don't need this and honestly, if he can't stay faithful to you now, imagine what life will be like 10 years from now!

 

I also suggest you go to one on one counselling, because I'm afraid you're going to internalize this and make yourself feel worse. NONE of it is your fault.

 

So what if you don't swallow! Part of marriage is accepting the person as they are. (Within reason ofcourse!) Atleast you give him head! WTF!

[28ylime]

Thank you for helping me sort this out. I'm making some notes about my feelings and waiting until friday when he's home to talk about what I've discovered. The next few days are going to be tough! He's out partying with vendors at the moment and turned his cell off after I called once and it rang... definitely not making things better.

 

I really want this to turn out better, and I still believe that we could have an amazing life together. But I'm also trying to prepare myself for the possibility of walking away.

 

WTF is right!

[rainfall]

Married 5 months now, and it's been a rocky road. Perhaps what makes it so difficult is that i no longer feel I know the person I married. While dating for a year and a half he never displayed any interest in girl mags, dirty movies, or even discussing what celebreties he was attracted to. I thought I had a real gentlemen. A month after the wedding while putting together pics of our celebration I came across the photos from his bachelor party. I was blown away. There he was with 2 naked girls doing gymnastics on him and his hands on their breasts. He wasn't at a club, it was a home show, at a mutual friend's house. Sick. The photos went on and on, with other guys at the party licking breasts, getting lap dances, and getting undressed themselves. My husband was in about half of these, usually with a breast in his hand. I can only imagine what wasn't captured on film. I can remember him telling me so many times how he disliked strip clubs and hated to go with other bachelor parties, so I didn't even think to lay any rules before he went out that night.

 

He was there when I saw the pics, was unapologetic that he had done it, and was only sorry that I had found them. But insisted that is what happens at all bachlor parties. He also insisted that he never touched anyone, although it was in clear sight. We had a second wedding reception the next day for his relatives that i forced a smile though. I've tried to move on and get over it, but a lot of trust was lost.

.

Wow I think I just must not be a very forgiving person or something because if I ever found a picture like this my SO would be out the door so fast that he wouldn't even have time to utter the lie "but all men cheat at their bachelor parties" I think you should confront him about the use of escort service and see if he fesses up to it or trys to lie somehow.

If you confront him about this and he is willing to change/work on the relationship and you are willing to forgive what he may have done then I hope you two can make it work. As long as he can agree that he has a problem and change his behavior then I am pretty sure you guys can have a great life together still.

[JamesM]

I'd hate to look back years from now with a cheating husband and wish I had ended it now. Or will I look back with a great husband and think of how strong we've become after overcoming these trials.

 

If you don't resolve this issue BEFORE marriage, then the first sentence will happen. But if you do resolve this, then MAYBE the second sentence will be true.

 

I would like to guarantee that you will have a happy marriage, but unfortunately, if you cannot trust him while engaged, the likelihood that two to five years from now you will be able to trust him is actually slim. This issue will be there in your mind for a long time. And any time you have suspicions, this will pop up.

 

Breaking the engagement is important. Even if he denies everything, premarital counseling is important and a must if you still decide to marry him.

[28ylime]

We are already married, 5 months now. I just discovered this infidelity, it was last february while we were engaged.

[BUTAFLY]

If you don't resolve this issue BEFORE marriage, then the first sentence will happen. But if you do resolve this, then MAYBE the second sentence will be true.

 

Breaking the engagement is important. Even if he denies everything, premarital counseling is important and a must if you still decide to marry him.

 

They just don't listen. (just kidding james)

28,

All I can say is I'm glad he went to professionals instead of an innocent womem and pretended to be single. (I know you have no idea what I'm talking about..its a personal issue i went through w/ an engaged man & I'm still a little bitter)

 

anyways: It was a bacherlors party....these things go down. Im sure he only grabed breasts cause it makes a cool photo and thats what those girls were there for-fun and photo opps. If he was so conserned about hidding this 'otherside' of him then those pictures would be hidden away.

 

As for the escorts. Jeez... I expect denial on his part, and it's up to you(if its worth it) to believe him or not. To me going to a whore shows sexual desire -fixable. Oppose to carrying on a relationship with say a coworker, shows itimacy problems within your relationship. I think you guys can work through this.

 

plus who's to say the talk of 'can I get a half hour/ I hope its half the price' wasn't for dance lessons for the first song @ your wedding.

[catgirl1927]

Not all men cheat at bachelor parties. This attitude that men deserve to get to cheat all they want and we just have to accept it complete crap. There are good men out there who won't sleep around. Don't feel relieved that they were professionals, don't feel like you have to accept anything. If a man cheats at his bachelor party, he cheats ALL THE TIME because he thinks there is nothing wrong with it. He didn't apologize because he thinks his cheating is JUSTIFIED.

 

Remember, you didn't ruin anything. He's been lying to you this WHOLE TIME. He has betrayed you. You are innocent, and don't let any of these people tell you that you deserve this. Stand up for yourself and tell him that you are DONE. Get a lawyer. Seriously. You don't even know who he is, how can you have a future with someone you haven't really met for real?

[JamesM]

We are already married, 5 months now. I just discovered this infidelity, it was last february while we were engaged.

 

Oops, sorry.

 

They just don't listen. (just kidding james)

 

How come men can't read the details??

 

I would have to say a confrontation is in order, but it may be necessary to gain more evidence as to whether he still is trying to hook up.

 

I can only imagine what wasn't captured on film.

 

Imagining what wasn't captured may be worse than what actually happened off camera. What bothers me...if that matters..is not the bachelor party but the use of escorts. This is what willl continue at some point in your marriage. Nothing is for sure, but if a guy cheats while engaged, I find it hard to believe that he will not do it while married.

 

What to do? Confrontation and counselling. An ultimatum that you will leave if he ever does it while married. This way he knows that you know, and he knows that one wrong step by him and his marriage is over....he is responsible, not you.

[BUTAFLY]

Oops, sorry.

but if a guy cheats while engaged, I find it hard to believe that he will not do it while married.

 

I dated my ex bf for months to later find out his wedding was in a week. He was engaged the whole time, juggling me and planning a wedding. I tried telling his fiance if he's doing this before the marriage I don't suspect it will stop after.

It seems 28's husband kept it purly sexual, therefor he may have sexual issues, desires, that need to be addressed. I'm not excusing it just saying that this doesn't mean its the end of the relationship.

[RecordProducer]

Looking from outside, this doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's a very hard pill to swallow when it's happening to YOU. I was jealous at the girls my husband corresponded with at the very beginning of our long-distance relationship and he had never ever even met them in person. I completely understand how you feel.

 

But the good news is: men can do stuff like that and it means nothing to them. I am pretty sure he didn't even care about those girls' boobs and only touched them for the picture. I was doing singing gigs before and once the owner invited a stripper. She was very decent, but I was surprised that guys would put tips in her boots, but wouldn't touch her or speak to her.

 

We overestimate men's view of a woman's naked body. And it's THEIR fault - they drool over anything that walks, but the truth is they don't care that much. They can look and even touch if it's "approved" but the INFIDELITY DOES NOT START FROM THERE! it starts from their mentality, personality, and/or dissatisfaction with the marriage or sex life.

 

Regarding the emails with the prostitutes, you must confront him about that and see what he has to say. I assume it was just a fantasy, a game he played, but you never know.

 

We all have things that - if exposed - would make us seem like liars and cheaters. Our online life equals our deepest fantasies and is often something we don't want to advertise. I strongly suggest that you concentrate on your relationship with him and NOT on his emails from the past. If he is a good husband - that's what matters. My husband NEVER looks at my internet stuff. He says he trusts me. Geez, I have my profile on a dating/friendship web site (it says I am happily married, not looking for an affair). I rarely go there, but my husband knows it, he gave me his credit card number to subscribe to this web site and doesn't even know what my profile says. He knows I wouldn't cheat on him and knows I am honest. Now if he went through all my emails and conversations from the beginning of our relationship, I would seem like a huge flirt and what not.

 

I am not convinced that he actually used these women's service. He might have just written them emails. They didn't even reply, right? Maybe they were not even hookers... Don't make possibly wrong assumptions.

[a4a]

IMHO the guy sounds like a sex addict. And he is lying to you.....lied, lying, will lie.

 

It is not about having the actual sex but about the anticipation and maintaining arousal for long periods of time..... it is an actual chemical dependecy of sorts. Although most do have sex.

 

BO could chime in here with the SA facts.

 

What he did and is doing is dangerous to your health as well.

 

STD's usually are not considered while a person is acting out on a fantasy.

 

From an outside POV this is not the type of business partner I would want nor as a partner in a relationship.

 

Confront, MC, and either he stops or you move on without him.

I would require him to be tested for STD's.

[catgirl1927]

It really breaks my heart that so many women say that it's ok for a man to cheat on them because sex "doesn't mean anything" to the man. If sex really doesn't mean anything at all to them, then do these women really think they mean any more to him than those prostitutes? It's sad that they fool themselves and think they are "different." There's not enough money in the WORLD for me to tolerate being treated like that.

[a4a]

It really breaks my heart that so many women say that it's ok for a man to cheat on them because sex "doesn't mean anything" to the man. If sex really doesn't mean anything at all to them, then do these women really think they mean any more to him than those prostitutes? It's sad that they fool themselves and think they are "different." There's not enough money in the WORLD for me to tolerate being treated like that.

 

 

this is odd ...... so many men say that sex/touching/ physical love means "love" to them if they are not getting it in their marriage.......but sex with a stranger is nothing?

 

Maybe some women just don't care if their SO does have sexual contact with others. Which I guess is cool for them if that is what they want.

[portableversion]

and is one that i've made myself.

 

A male, who posts here often but I won't name, constantly bemoaned the lack of sex in his marriage. Said he felt unloved and that he 'needed' it to feel loved and wanted.

 

Then he turns around and says he would have an affair if he didn't get the sex he wanted in the marriage.

 

So I asked him " you complain that you don't feel loved if you wife doesn't have sex with you and that's why you want to have sex with her, but yet you would feel loved by having sex with a complete stranger in an affair." I still wonder what his definition of 'love' is.

 

THIS is why I just don't buy the argument that men 'need' sex to feel loved, wanted, and any other psychobabble they come up with...when in reality they just want their joint worked.

[catgirl1927]

I think it depends on the person. I think some people recognize that sex can be something special between two people who love each other, and either forgo meaningless sex entirely or experience casual sex at some point in their lives and then realize it's better when it means something. I think other people are completely selfish and care only about their own gratification, and do what they want without any concern for anyone else. They think they are having a BLAST, but I really believe they will find their lives are pretty empty when intimacy never means anything. Because the thing is, if a woman doesn't care if you're doing someone else, she probably doesn't care just a whole lot about YOU. So these guys who crave sexual freedom think they're getting a killer deal. But when they are older and have more sense of their own mortality, when they grow up a little and start looking around for what really matters, they'll have a huge bill from the strip club and a wife who only cares about money.

[JamesM]

A male, who posts here often but I won't name, constantly bemoaned the lack of sex in his marriage. Said he felt unloved and that he 'needed' it to feel loved and wanted.

 

Then he turns around and says he would have an affair if he didn't get the sex he wanted in the marriage.

 

So I asked him " you complain that you don't feel loved if you wife doesn't have sex with you and that's why you want to have sex with her, but yet you would feel loved by having sex with a complete stranger in an affair." I still wonder what his definition of 'love' is.

 

THIS is why I just don't buy the argument that men 'need' sex to feel loved, wanted, and any other psychobabble they come up with...when in reality they just want their joint worked.

 

portableversion, I am an individual who does not hde behind "unnamed male" barbs. Feel free to use my name. I will be glad to define love for you as I see it. BTW, your language when you asked me that question wasn't near so kind.

 

First, on this Board we are open. We tell our frustrations as we feel them We do this so that we can get feedback and solve our problems. Many people don't bother to proofread their words so that they appear proper. This way we can hopefully avoid affairs and divorce. (Oh, but YOU are a divorce lawyer...would you want that? ) The answers I received helped me alot.

 

(And who are you? Your profile says you are a male, yet I see from your posts that you had an epi while you had your child?? So, when was your sex change operation? )

 

Now, to your comments ...you are correct. You did ..in your own way...say that I did not know what love was. Now that I know that is a woman talking, it is easier to understand where you are coming from. As a woman, you will have no clue how a man perceives sex. Let me explain. (I apologize to the OP for the slight sidetrack).

 

When men are not addicted to simply sex, then yes, sex is an expression of love. When women decide to reject them, this begins to play out to the man that he is not loved by the most important person in the world to him. And when she says that sex is nothing more than a need of the husband's....and she no longer needs it...yet she feels that sex outside of marriage is wrong, she has denied the husband completely. She belittles sex which is a rejection of him. Yes, love IS a need/desire that men use to express to women their love, but fortunately or unfortunately, it is a means by which the wife can show the man that he is a man.

 

If you as a divorce lawyer listen closely to your clients and read carefully the many tales of affairs here, you will notice that most are a cry for help. They are an expression of anger and frustration. Sometimes the women "fall" into affairs because their husband ignores them whether emotionally or physically, and many men "fall" into affairs because their wives have rejected them in the same ways.

 

What this Board serves as a great outlet for...and I really appreciated it during those months...is a way to express those frustrations to someone who may understand. I know I used it as a way to avoid an affair or any form of cheating. Currently, there are a number of threads doing the same thing.

 

How do I define love? More than ever after hitting some lows..and knowing they may come again, love to me is defined as a commitment and a choice. It is not just a feeling, it is not just sex, it goes much deeper than that. My signature says it....I must choose to love my wife every day not only because I said I would, but because I have four children who depend on me to do so. This means that when the feelings leave, I must work to get them back. And when I feel like cheating, as Ms Pixie told me recently, I must avoid that first step that may lead me to an affair...even if I don't want to do so.

 

Yes, I get frustrated and express my anger at the idea that my wife can control such a means of expressing that love and "getting my pecker polished" as you so eloquently expressed to me in one of your pasts posts. But if this need is only in men, why do so many women here have the same cry? a4a has said many times that she too has trouble getting her husband interested in sex. Other women have stated the rejection of sex as a rejection of them as a person.

 

Your own husband when he posted here, started a thread that asked what would men rather have... "Bad debt or infidelity?" The answer was bad debt. I would like to turn that question slightly into two questions...which would men rather have ...sex with their wife or sex with a hooker/affair with the OW? The answer usually is sex with the wife. Why? Because she validates his "manhood." The OW maximizes his failure to achieve that validation.

 

So, to say that I and others who talk like me have a twisted sense of the definition of love is ignoring the fact that having sex is one thing, but making love goes oh so much deeper than that. If men wanted only sex (Or to get their joint worked ), they wouldn't bother trying to convince their wives...they would go elsewhere.

 

You may not want to buy men's arguments that sex is important, but then read the many, many posts by women who have had the same problem. Do they just want their.....worked?

[RecordProducer]

and is one that i've made myself.

 

A male, who posts here often but I won't name, constantly bemoaned the lack of sex in his marriage. Said he felt unloved and that he 'needed' it to feel loved and wanted.

 

Then he turns around and says he would have an affair if he didn't get the sex he wanted in the marriage.

 

So I asked him " you complain that you don't feel loved if you wife doesn't have sex with you and that's why you want to have sex with her, but yet you would feel loved by having sex with a complete stranger in an affair." I still wonder what his definition of 'love' is.

 

THIS is why I just don't buy the argument that men 'need' sex to feel loved, wanted, and any other psychobabble they come up with...when in reality they just want their joint worked.

It was just said in an angry letter to his wife.

 

When I "feed" my husband with dinners, I do it out of love, and if I would stop doing it, it would probably be because I gave up on our marriage (I don't cook when I am angry at him)... which doesn't mean that he should stop eating if our relationship falls apart.

 

But back on topic... not ALL SEX is about love, just like not all sex is about pure physical pleausre that has nothing to do with love. I kiss my mom on the cheek with true love and about a million other people I don't care about at all (some of them I even can't stand!).

 

He needs sex so kill him for having testosterone that functions normally! And he complained to his wife about not giving sex to him, didn't go to a prostitute!

[Bryanp]

Using prostitutes while you were engaged put your health at great risk for STD's. He is a liar and a cheat. See an attorney and seek an annulment. He will break your heart.