He got her pregnant

[Just2Cute1972]

So im dying right now. My ex and i broke up 4 1/2 weeks ago (the details are in the breaking up forum)..he said he wasnt in love with me anymore and he had to go. During this time the text messages have been crazy and this past sat we hung out together as "friends" only. He met some girl a week after he left here and has been seeing her for the past 3 weeks. He only sees her on the weekends tho due to the fact he works away during the week. I hadnt talked to him since i saw him sat and i knew something was up. He texts me almost everyday. So i text him tonite and i said "just saying hi" so he immediately texts me back and we talked for a bit and then he says i have news .. i knew instantly what it was. I dunno how i knew, but i did. I said she is pregnant huh? He said yeah. I called him. He isnt in love with her, obviously but he said he will stand beside whatever decision she makes and will support his child. Im a mess. I am devestated when only 4 1/2 weeks ago i was engaged to him and only 5 weeks ago we were in bed together and he was kissing me saying he loved me. He has been brutally honest with me throughout all of this tho and kept telling me sat that he needed time and space that he had thought about getting back with me, but that he was so afraid we would go back to the same way we were before. I understood that and i have been VERY understanding thru out all of this, even if ive been putting on a show. He also told me on sat that we didnt know what the future holds that in six months, who knows. He just kept saying how all the scars were still on the surface..sat i thought there mite still be a chance for us. He told me tonite on the phone (i called him i said screw the fake stuff now) that this girl has been telling him she loves him for the past week..i asked him didnt that thro up a red flag to him and he said yes it did. He is scared and worried, but he swears he will do the right thing and support his child. That was one of our desires was to have a baby together. I had five years with this person and she has had him for 3 weeks and only on the weekends and already has more than i ever had. He told me tonite that he meant what he said that i was his best friend and that he didnt wanna lose me from his life. Im so devestated that i cant even put into words what i feel right now. Three weeks .. ONLY THREE DAMN WEEKS! Doesnt even seem really possible she could be pregnant with his baby, but who knows. The same exact thing happened to me 6 years ago with my ex husband..SAME EXACT SCENARIO only me ex husband came to me and asked me what to do because we had tried to reconcile and it was during that tiem the other girl told him she was pregnant. I coldy told my ex i couldnt raise a child when it was conceived with another woman that he was with while married to me and i turned away from him. I feel as tho im being punished for ever saying that to him then so im going thru it now again. This is so surreal...ive never been this hurt in my entire life. I dont even know what to think, how to feel, what to say, nothing.

[Ruinous79]

Oh sweetie. That sucks big time. And I know you have to feel betrayed and confused and 31 different flavors of ticked off. After five years, you have a lot of stock in this guy and your relationship and you still feel you should have the rights to him. I know this is the absolute last thing you want to hear but this is your wake up call. Unless you want to end up on Maury Povich or even Jerry Springer in three years, WALK AWAY NOW. I'm not trying to make light of your situation but girlfriend, please, he got another woman pregnant. You know what causes that, right? I speak from way too much experience with this drama garbage. If my mistakes do nothing else, maybe they'll be a shining example for someone else on what NOT to do. You need to value yourself more and realize people that do these kinds of things to people they're supposed to love either don't really love you or are way too screwed up to ever be able to fix. He is jerking you around and oops...his conquest got pregnant. That is the black and white as I see it. Sorry if it hurts, but break contact with this guy or you're only inviting more boo boos to the ol ticker. Find a good friend to hang with and tell your sorrows to and be strong. Read "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken". Trust me, you will thank me. (unless you're really still in delusion mode, in which case you'll likely tell me to go **** myself.) Good luck and I hope things work out for the best.

[the_alchemyst]

Whoa. I shivered while reading your post. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't think I can even imagine the pain you are undergoing at the moment.

 

All I can say is:

 

I would never forgive him for doing that to me. I would truly leave.

 

And that's a lot coming from me--I'm a sap.

 

If he really loved you, he wouldn't have done this to you. By engaging in intimate relations, he knew there was a risk of pregnancy involved. Everyone knows. He didn't stop to think of the consequences of his actions, and how they might have affected you--the person whom he supposedly "doesn't want to lose."

 

And if he did think about them, even worse still.

 

Either way, I do find truth in him telling you he doesn't want to lose you, but not because he loves you, but because he is scared.

 

I understand you still have feelings for him, and that you may want to help him, but in doing so, you will hurt yourself more.

 

Someone who jumped into bed a couple weeks later, after being engaged and having been with someone for 5 years doesn't truly value or care for what he had, I think.

[Just2Cute1972]

I agree with what both of you are saying and ur right, walking away is exactly what i have to do. Him not wanting to lose me isnt something he said for the frist time last nite, he told me that about a week after he had left. Im not stupid i know he ran to this girl because of being lonely and to be honest, if i didnt have kids i would probably be running to another guy, it does seem to help one get over another. And he told me he was afraid to come back to me because of falling right back into what it was before he left. I know he isnt serious about this chic and i know he hasnt been since they started hookin up. To me if he were THAT serious about her, he wouldnt be contacting me he wouldnt be seeing me or anything else for that matter. Ive been exactly what he asked me to be, a friend. Nothing more. I dont flirt with him, i dont tell him how much i love him i dont bring us up .. none of that. I thought that we had a chance of reconciling in the future..and i guess right now its like that was ripped away. He has already texted me this morning and they are the stupidest text messages. Well, not stupid just .. i dunno how to explain em just off the wall things..the opening text this morn was "so who gets the girls off the bus now" .. i told him the answer and i was like why?? All he could say was just wondering. Its like he finds reasons to text me. I know he hasnt even sat down and really thought thru our relationship and things like that..he told me he felt free 2 weeks ago .. not that he felt trapped here but because of ALL the crap that was going on with us during that last damn month, it just built up and i have to admit, i was feeling pretty crappy about our relationship as well and i too considered ending it. He knew this girl from years ago (apparently they went to school together), she took his mind off of him having to be alone and think and then it happened. The only thing he could tell me about her was that she was "fun" .. thats it. I guess that feeling of being free didnt last too long and its gonna be REAL fun now. I told him on the phone last nite that his life just changed for the rest of it now. He seemed pretty sad when we ended the call. And let it be known..he was NOT cheating on me with her at all. He broke up with me on the 11th of Aug, and met her on the 18th of Aug, they had sex on the 19th. He questions if this could really even be his baby. The week after he met her is when he said he started missing me really really bad and he had all these feelings coming back which confused him because he didnt think he loved me anymore. I asked him why didnt he just call me and thats when he said because he was afraid that if he did that and we got back together things wouldnt get worked out and they would just go right back to where they were before he even left. Im trying my hardest to not think about it all and try to go on with life but WOW ... its so hard. He has met her a total of probably 6-10 times and now he is gonna have a baby..he doesnt even know her nor she him. We wanted a baby together..i cant have anymore kids due to a tubal but we had talked about getting that reversed in the future one day so we could have one...wow i still dunno if its hit me full force yet. Ive cried, but not as much as i thought i would. I guess im still shocked and numb. They say everything happens for a reason and im trying my absolute hardest to think of that every time i start thinking of this situation.

[Ruinous79]

You're sending mixed messages with this last post. In one breath you're agreeing with the advice we've given you, but then also making excuses for this guy. Who gives a crap if he was lonely? Who gives a crap if he slept with her while you were together or afterward? It's irrelevant. Those things are his problems. As hard as it may be, I recommend you stop wasting energy on his issues. Tell him to STOP texting you because you have enough to deal with trying to move on and take care of your kids. Take it from someone who has children and deeply regrets wasting the time and energy on a worthless man I could have been spending with them. He needs to understand that he can't behave however he wants and still have you to fall back on. Value yourself enough to break off contact or you will regret it.

[the_alchemyst]

I have to agree with Ruinous: It seems to me that you are just making excuses for him, in an attempt to perhaps ameliorate the situation.

 

Him not wanting to lose me isnt something he said for the frist time last nite, he told me that about a week after he had left.

 

I believe that this is not something uncommonly heard from by the person leaving. Perhaps it may be because the person leaving the relationship still holds some type of sentimental attachement, like care, for the person they are leaving. And surely, after knowing you for so long, I am sure he still cares for you, but in this situation (and many others), this is simply irrelevant.

 

What is relevant is his selfishness in him asking you to stick around--in the background--while he is free to explore new terrain. Do you see how selfish that is? To me, this is equivalent to saying: "Hey, I'm leaving because I don't love you or this relationship enough to stay, and plus, I want to be free. But don't disappear on me yet just in case I ever feel lonely and need someone to run back to."

 

Whether he said that to you last night, last week, or on the day you guys broke-up doesn't matter.

 

His actions are in contradiction to his words, and in this case, his actions are much more powerful. And negatively, at that.

 

Im not stupid i know he ran to this girl because of being lonely and to be honest, if i didnt have kids i would probably be running to another guy, it does seem to help one get over another.

 

I believe that if you really love someone, you can hook up with one, two, three, or ten different people and have the same feelings in the end. Thinking that by jumping into bed with the next person is going to help you forget the person you supposedly love is a type of denial, I think. Yes, it does help ease the loneliness at the time, but that is the same as only taking care of the surface problems.

 

What good does it do to have a clean exterior if the interior is corroded?

 

 

To me if he were THAT serious about her, he wouldnt be contacting me he wouldnt be seeing me or anything else for that matter.

 

Don't you think that the same thing could be said about you? If he was serious about you--about not wanting to lose you and such, don't you think he wouldn't be sleeping with her?

 

Ive been exactly what he asked me to be, a friend. Nothing more.

 

That's a good thing, but you have to realize that in this case, it's about you, not him. By being his friend and knowing all that he is doing and not doing, given that you still care for him, which you say you do, will only hurt you.

 

i was feeling pretty crappy about our relationship as well and i too considered ending it.

 

Well, this is your perfect opportunity.

 

All in all, I am really sorry for what you're going through. I can only imagine how difficult and painful this must be. However, I think that you need to stop making excuses or finding loop-holes in the situation.

 

You said you guys wanted to have a baby together, right? Well, look at the situation like it really is: He took a dream that was supposed to be yours and his only, and (will possibly) materialize with himself and another woman.

 

I hope you understand that he is not what is best for you.

[Just2Cute1972]

I took ur advice and i ended all contact tonite. He is furious because he still wants to see my son, which isnt his but he has been a part of my sons life since he was a month old. I didnt agree, i didnt deny either...i tried to explain myself to him and how hard it would be to even see his face, he wouldnt listen to me. He hung up on me. He texted me and said "just stop no ties ok" and that was that. I just texted back "ok" and that was that. I feel even worse now. Did i do the right thing by denying him to see my son? This guy was more of a father to B than his own dad. But he hasnt even seen him since the 25th of Aug. and hasnt really asked to see him since then..(he did once askin to see him this weekend but i feel that was a conversation starter). Please someone help guide me thru this.

[Ruinous79]

As terrible as it is to say, in my experience with men that "play daddy" for a time in your child's life, when he's done with you, he's done with the kid. I know that's hard to comprehend when you had this guy right beside you through a lot of stuff (birthdays, first steps, chicken pox) with your kids. I really don't think it means the same for them when it's not their kids...even if it feels like it does. I was with a man for the same amount of time and he was there with me when my oldest daughter was born (not his child) and he was her "daddy" for the first 4/5 years of her life. We then had a second child together and when we split up, he only wanted to see my oldest daughter when he thought he still had a chance to reconcile with me. When he realized I was really through, he pretty much told me that she wasn't his kid. A second man I dated and then lived with for a year pretty much completely blotted all memory of my kids (whom he claimed to love as his own) out the second he decided to dump me. And it is WRONG for this guy to use your children as leverage. SO DON'T FEEL BAD!! You don't owe him visitation. Your ex has no rights to your kid and your child will adapt to life without him as sucky as it may seem. This guy made a choice and he has to live with the consequences. You told him no contact.....now it's up to YOU to stick to it. He's probably gonna start pushing harder than ever now because when a guy who's had you in his clutches suddenly loses leverage, he will panic. IGNORE IT and know you're truly doing what's best for you and your kids. Keep you head up and I'm sending you warm wishes and big hugs. I know you can get through this!!!

[the_alchemyst]

Hugs to you, honey.

 

I'm certain you must be feeling really awful, but please try to find solace in knowing that you did the best thing for you, your son, and for him.

 

It's normal that you feel extra hurt and vulnerable right now because you pretty much nipped a relationship that was dear to you. Just remember that even though it was dear and special, it is now damaging.

 

I think you made the right decision in telling him he is no longer welcomed to see your son. If he sees your son, then without a doubt he will end up seeing you, too, and you will suffer knowing that he is physically so close, yet emotionally so far away. By keeping that connection open--your son--you are leaving an entrace for hurt.

 

By telling him you don't want any contact, you are telling him that no contact is acceptable--with you or your son.

 

Be grateful that he was good to him, and someday, if possible, let him know of your gratitude, but that's all.

 

It's possible that your son will end up missing him, so you will need to explain the situation to him in the manner best suited for his age. And well, if you ever see him missing him, then that's where you come in.

 

And if you ever find yourself missing him, that's where your son comes in.

 

I'm certain that the mother-son bond will be of great help to you.

 

And whenever you feel distressed, talk to someone whom you trust, or come post here.

 

*hugs* I really hope you begin to feel better very soon.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Did i do the right thing by denying him to see my son?

 

If it was my son, and the guy wanted to see him, and my son missed him too.

 

I'd feel I have no saying in that, it's their bond.

 

Ariadne

[Just2Cute1972]

Thank u 2 so much..u are really helpin me thru this. The texts have already began again. I had left him a voicemail explaining my reasoning for doing this the texts i mentioned above came AFTER the voicemail was left. Well he just texts me now and types "lol at that voicemail" and i text him and said "do not text me again and im not alone" i have a friend coming over to give me some company because im a mess. He typed back "who cares" he is suddenly being very hateful and mean. He has been soooo nice up until now. I never responded to the who cares post and im not going to i just hope he doesnt start insulting me and all. I feel like im the one that broke this off .. grrrrr

[Ruinous79]

I feel like im the one that broke this off

 

That should give you strength and a feeling of confidence that you are stronger than this person.

[Just2Cute1972]

Hi,

 

Did i do the right thing by denying him to see my son?

 

If it was my son, and the guy wanted to see him, and my son missed him too.

 

I'd feel I have no saying in that, it's their bond.

 

Ariadne

 

 

And thats exactly what im struggling with.

[D-Lish]

Just2cute....

I'm sorry You are experiencing such a blow. I can sympathize. I was with a man for 7 years, we got married and bought a house two dogs, I was deeply in love with him.

 

One day he came home from a business trip and said he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore and although he loved me...he was not sure if he was in love with me. We decided to take some space...

 

During that time we still spoke and saw one another often- we were best friends, so it was hard to let go. One day he called me at work bawling his eyes out.... he had gotten another woman pregnant! It was at that time that I realized I had to let him go.

 

That was three years ago- and although I don't love pine for him anymore- the impact of that break up has really screwed with my head. I have had a couple serious relationships since then- but I have found that I just can't let myself trust again... so I have screwed up two pretty good relationships due to the insecurities and bitterness that I can't seem to let go of.

 

The only advice I can offer is to stick to the no contact. It's going to be hard- and it will be painful, but you won't get over it if you allow this man to remain in your life. You need a man who is more stable, a man who treats you properly, a man who respects you and your son.

 

Take the time to recover and allow yourself to grieve.

 

If it's any consolation- my ex-husband is miserable. He is with a woman he doesn't love because he accidentally knocked her up during a one night stand during our trial seperation. He's deeply depressed and trapped in a marriage he didn't ever want. He still contacts me to tell me what a fool he was.

 

Your ex will feel the same way- let his regret be your triumph.

Good luck with the no contact.

Dee

[Just2Cute1972]

I hope that one day he does regret walking out Dee. I really really do.

[D-Lish]

Just2cute:

 

He will regret it. And you WILL get over it!

 

I understand the shock and pain that comes when the man you love tells you he has gotten someone else pregnant. I remember curling up into a ball on the floor in the bathroom at work. It takes time to clear the pain from that kind of trauma. But you know what? The pain goes away.

 

I have found love again twice since him. I'm sure I will find it again and so will you.

 

But this guy sounds like a real piece of work. Like he is addicted to the chase, but unable to remain committed once he has secured his target. I've dated men like that. They can charm the pants off you! But they make for horrible boyfriends.

 

The pain sucks though.

I'm feeling it at the moment with my current ex and his moving on from me. I miss him a lot.

 

Good luck.

Dee