chill chic Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I've been seeing this guy for over a year now, we're not too serious but ya know...anyway, he just moved back home to be w/friends, family & for his job. We were both sad when we said goodbye, but said he wanted to keep in touch. Right then he me asked sort of a shocking question, especially at the last minute. But he asked me, "I've always wondered, are your parents loaded?" I'm thinking that comes from the mystery I've always had about myself, I drive a benz, and wear nice clothes, but I never really boast about my parents wealth. He told me he never really knew because he was never at my house, (again we weren't that serious or at least I thought) so I didn't want him to think I was forcing him into anything by "meeting the parents" too soon. He then hinted that is parents weren't as well off as mine, saying that they have never even flown before. I'm not sure if he's insecure that my parents might have more money, or what his motive behind that question was. Like I said, it was weird that he asked me that at the last minute, before he left. I mean he's asked me what they do before in the past, but I never really elaborated on the subject, because I didn't want to come across as a snob. Plus I just started a well paying career, so I don't think he thinks he as to take care of me financially. Here's the clincher though....awhile back he said to me, "you should buy us a log cabin (where he now lives)" So I dunno I'm confused as to what his true motives are, especially if he wants to keep in contact with me. We'd have to do the long distance thing for a lil while, but I want to know what he's really thinking about this money thing. Any advice? lol I'm kinda lost. oh one more thing...would he be shy to ask me to visit him back home if he thinks his parents wouldn't stack up or I'd think different of him? I would hate for him to think that because money doesn't matter to me, I care for anyone he cares about. Is he mad that I didn't invite him over to my house ever? Like I said though, I didn't want him to think I was pressuring him in to anything if he wasn't ready, and he never asked. I'm just confused of what he was thinking when he asked that!
Walk Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 In my experience, the gold diggers don't wait to ask.. they see the car, the nice clothes, etc.. they get to know you a little, and then its always a matter of some situation comes up in which they can't possible pay for something, and could you "just this once" bail him out of whatever situation. Like a months rent, that he swears he'll pay back... but then you never see more than a token effort in. ($20 or something). Or his kid brother is dying of heart disease, and he can't possibly come up with the few hundred to take his little brother to disney world... You generously give... and he ends up in the bahamas with his friends for a week... Or the guy talks endlessly about this thing he's always wanted... until you feel like you'd be buying him something he REALLY wants if you only got him this one thing. So you buy it for him... then the day after its "If I had this one other thing.. my life would be perfect." Just one more thing... and one more thing.. So no... I don't feel a general question regarding your parents monetary status is necessarily gold digging. I think there is cause for concern on his part because it's something that can cause both of you a lot of problems later. Those are two totally opposite outlooks of life. One from the lap of luxury. The other struggling to survive. Its easy for problems to arise. Word to the wise... Tell no one the finances of your parents or you. Unless you're married... then it's no one elses business. You would have been better off asking why he asked, rather than answering him. At least it would've given you the opportunity to reassure him if his concern was over differing outlooks in life. And if he is a gold digger, then he still wouldn't know what the financial situation was.
Walk Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I just caught this... You two have been dating for over a year? And just now he asks about your monetary situation? Doesn't fit the timeline of the guys who've been gold diggers in my life. We're talking weeks to couple months.. not a year.
littlekitty Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Doesn't seem to fit the profile to me either! Perhaps it was more a concern about you visiting him,or your longer term future together. Perhaps he figured with him leaving, it was time to answer those questions. I'd speak to him about why he asked, at least allow him to explain.
Guest Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I'd speak to him about why he asked, at least allow him to explain. No, I'd let sleeping dogs lie. Just forget about the whole convo.
Author chill chic Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 I just caught this... You two have been dating for over a year? And just now he asks about your monetary situation? Doesn't fit the timeline of the guys who've been gold diggers in my life. We're talking weeks to couple months.. not a year. you have a point there
Author chill chic Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 Doesn't seem to fit the profile to me either! Perhaps it was more a concern about you visiting him,or your longer term future together. Perhaps he figured with him leaving, it was time to answer those questions. I'd speak to him about why he asked, at least allow him to explain. if it was a concern about me visiting him, what would his concern be about? would he think I'm not used to the small town living, or that I'd think different of him if I met his parents even though they don't make as much as mine? I can't figure that one out, because I like people for who they are, and not how much money they make. I hope he would know or realize that. if not, how do I get him to see that I'd love it if I visited his town? I told him that I was taking my exam to get my insurance license, and he said, "already" why would he say that? also, was it wrong of me not to bring him home to my parents? I didn't want him to feel like I was pressuring him into anything, like meet the parents, then get married sorta thing. we were kinda taking things slow, so we could feel each other out, and now he had to move, which really sucks, but since that happened, I'm going to be patient with him, let him get settled and see what happens from there. oh another thing, how often should I contact him without seeming needy? I'm kinda new to the long distance thing, so any suggestions on that?
insomnie Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 I'm kinda new to the long distance thing, so any suggestions on that? Are you guys in an actual LDR relationship, or is it an unspoken let's keep in touch kinda thing? Because, if you aren;t, by the sounds of it you're setting yourself up for major hurt. LDR's are hard enough as they are, but when you add the fact that you guys always kept an emotional distance between each other, and that you don't have good communication (here you are online, trying to analyze what he is thinking, instead of just asking him...), your chances for making it "work" in any kind of way are pretty slim. I'd cut my losses and find someone closer by with whom you can establish better communication earlier on. I don't think he's gold-digging you, but I don't think it matters at this point, either. You can't go from a casual short-distance relationship to a serious long-distance one.
Jane Doe Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 When you two were going out, who paid? I don't know, something doesn't sound right here with him. I'd be a little suspicious if someone said that to me.
Author chill chic Posted September 15, 2006 Author Posted September 15, 2006 When you two were going out, who paid? I don't know, something doesn't sound right here with him. I'd be a little suspicious if someone said that to me. we both pretty much paid. the last time we ate dinner together before he left was when I bought us chinese food and when I was about to leave he said take some money (which was sitting on his dresser) but I told him not to worry about it (especially because I didn't want to root through his money) then the day that he left, I told him that I hadn't bought him his birthday present yet, and he said, "don't worry about it, you bought dinner the other night" I was like are you sure? because I felt bad that I hadn't gotten him a present, although I wasn't for sure when he was leaving. but still that question, "are your parents loaded or something" still strikes me as odd. would he be mad at me for not bringing him over to my parents house, even know we were not extremely serious?
RecordProducer Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 "I've always wondered, are your parents loaded?" How many hours exactly did he spend wondering... I wonder. "you should buy us a log cabin (where he now lives)" You?!?! So he is already counting on your money! I had a boyfriend who was counting on many things and his parents told me "Your folks are wealthier, THEY should buy you an apartment!" Next thing was he wanted to replace my step-father's CEO position in his company (and he was a high-school drop-out). He also wanted to marry me ASAP and have a child with me. I dumped him, of course. I didn't want him to think I was pressuring him in to anything if he wasn't ready, and he never asked. Since you're the wealthier one, the logic is reverse: he is the one who should worry about NOT pressuring you. And while you were thinking about other things, he was thinking about your money. My mom said once: "Even if someone likes you, if they can have some financial interest with you, they will start seeing you through the prism of interest." I believe that if Brotney Spears were a regular girl, she would have had a guy who truly loved her because she is pretty and whatever. However since she is rich, her husband most likely only saw her as a meal ticket.
RecordProducer Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I just caught this... You two have been dating for over a year? And just now he asks about your monetary situation? Doesn't fit the timeline of the guys who've been gold diggers in my life. We're talking weeks to couple months.. not a year.He could have probably checked her parent's financial situation very easily long time ago... but thought it's time to ask her! Remember he said SHE should buy them a cabin? So he knew! And they are not even that serious.
kulyok Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Here's the clincher though....awhile back he said to me, "you should buy us a log cabin (where he now lives)" Gold digger, and a professional, at that. That's only my opinion, of course, but after a phrase like this I see only two ways: 1) run as fast as you can; 2) do not buy him anything big, ever. My mom said once: "Even if someone likes you, if they can have some financial interest with you, they will start seeing you through the prism of interest." Couldn't say better than that.
Guest Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Gold digger, and a professional, at that. Or, just passive-aggressive with a sucky sense of humour.
Author chill chic Posted September 16, 2006 Author Posted September 16, 2006 if he thought I "could" support him, then why did he move & still wants to keep contact? is he scheming for a game plan in the future? get this..I might be on to something..a certain reason why he might be goin' for the gold w/me. he was a minor league baseball player & would get called up to the majors once in awhile, but never got a secure contract w/ a team, so he ended up retiring. SO do you think he's trying to live out that "money dream" w/ my help? just a thought.
Bamaboy2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 i dont very much believe he is a gold digger either. i think sometimes people may get a little bit intimidated if their partner has wealth. It seems to put pressure on them to be good enough for that person. I would probably be like that too. if i ever met a girl and she had wealth i would certainly do my utmost to make sure she thinks im good enough
mac007 Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 i wish I can tell you the answer, but look for a pattern in his behavior. For example, "Do he often say strange off the wall remarks about other things." Sometimes, when they asked you these things, it is just to report back to the other guys who want to know about you. This is where everything can go wrong when everybody gives advice to you. Just talk with him about it.
Author chill chic Posted September 17, 2006 Author Posted September 17, 2006 i dont very much believe he is a gold digger either. i think sometimes people may get a little bit intimidated if their partner has wealth. It seems to put pressure on them to be good enough for that person. I would probably be like that too. if i ever met a girl and she had wealth i would certainly do my utmost to make sure she thinks im good enough If that was the case, him feeling intimidated, how do I get him to feel comfortable with the situation? I explained to him that my parents are down to earth, modest, non flashy people. I would think that he'd like the fact that I can fend for myself financially, ok so maybe I could possibly in the future make more money than him, but he definitely wouldn't have to worry about taking care of me financially. Any suggestions on how to show him it's ok?
Author chill chic Posted September 18, 2006 Author Posted September 18, 2006 or is it something he'll have to get over?
RecordProducer Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 if i ever met a girl and she had wealth i would certainly do my utmost to make sure she thinks im good enough... by telling her that she should buy you a cabin? If that was the case, him feeling intimidated, how do I get him to feel comfortable with the situation? Tell him in some casual context that your parents would never support you and your husband, that you don't make a lot of money, and that you would certainly ask for a prenup, IF you would ever get married. See if he runs away!
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