UnknowingOW Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Hey you!! Long time no see! I've been busy. LOL this one just kinda makes me go grr!! Maybe she doesn't realize that the ow and former ow here are decent!! Many thanks for all your help in the past. Hey Justice, hope this finds you well. Been busy too. Trying and give back what was given to me...guidence. I'm sure I was as frustrating when I learned the truth about xMM...ya have to beat me in the head a few times before it sinks in...lol.
UnknowingOW Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I'm so tired this morning. I was up all night. My SIL saw my postings last night. She YELLED at me. She said things to me that I honestly didn't even know she knew how to say. My SIL is very straight laced. She was so angry with me. She told me I was disgusting and that she was disappointed in me. I've always been very close to my SIL. I don't understand her reaction. I really don't. But she did stay up with me all night. She thinks that I should talk to MM's W. I of course am not going to do this. I know that she is just being emotional about her own M. She's staying with me while my brother is away on biz. I'm still very confused. He just had to love me. Someway, somehow. Why would it hurt so much if he didn't.. First, your SIL knows your LS id? If that's the case, you wanted to be found out instead of annomous. DO NOT TALK TO HIS WIFE. That is his responsiblity...not yours. From your post he already told his wife. If you go there or contact her there is a chance you could have the police called on you and a restraining order set. It would be one thing is this man chased you, but you chased him and the wife knows what happened. Confusion is understandable, but you need to contact your counseling services at your school. He didn't have to love you; in fact he didn't and his actions and words have proven that. It hurts so much because you believe you loved him. This is the main reason I say you need to speak to counselor. Good Luck.
Adunaphel Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I'm glad to know that your SIL was there for you when you needed her no matter how angry she got. She thinks that I should talk to MM's W. I of course am not going to do this. Good. Talking to his wife is something you should not do. Quite a lot of posters suggested that you get counselling, I do hope you will take their advice. You haven't been in your right state of mind, it sounds like you idealized this married guy - I'm pretty sure that after some time you will realize that there are a lot of very interesting guys, and expecially there are many healthier ways of loving someone. I don't know if yours was love, it sounded more like crazy adoration, but whatever it was, it was not healthy. You are not emotionally stable (even if it is surely just a temporarily thing), and you should really start to love yourself before you get into any kind of relationship - one man that is not even interested in you should never ever be the most important thing of your life. And once you will be able to love in a healthier way, it will be easier for guys to love you. There are men you can't have. But there are others that will be happy to love you back. --------------- On a side note. So many posters seem to think that this married guy "is a good man". He does not look like a saint to me. A *really* good man should have told mycatluvsme to get the f*ck away from him and would not have continued the "friendship" after seeing that she was not exactly in her right mind. A decent man should not have gone at her place and shouldn't have had sex with her. She insisted? Okay. Let her insist. Leave. Slap her if you should. He had to give in? Bullsh*t. I give men more credit than that. Men (some of them) have brains and morals that won't allow thier d*cks to take over. He might be a decent person overall, it's nice that he felt gulty, but he is not exactly the innocent party.
Author mycatluvsme Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 My SIL saw my user name because I was logged in, and just walked away to take a shower. I live alone, so I'm used to just being able to do that. That how she found out my ID and so on. She said alot of the same things to me that several of you have said. Many of you have given me advice and are trying to be helpful. My SIL says that I have to help myself and seek out counseling. One thing I do not understand. I have been reading this board for days. There are many people here who are very helpful. And offer advice, whether it's advice we want to hear or not. But there seems to be quite a few people here who on one hand will say that every MM is different, every R is different, but at the same time, when someone like me comes along and our stories are different, It's considered unacceptable to the point that some think it can't be real. Why is that? My feelings are VERY REAL! Regardless of what anyone else thinks. Just because situations are different doesn't mean that my feelings are any less real than someone elses.
UnknowingOW Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 No one is discounting your feelings. And the difference is just that, many of the OW knew their MM or xMM loved them prior to beginning any affair. Many have been on this board for a while, and most of the stories are the same. I've only seen two stories which stood out as odd, yours and some other OW's. Again, no one is discounting your feelings...they are real for you right now. The bigger question to yourself is, why are you feeling this way about a man that rejected you and never let you get close to him. You see, many of the current and former OWs were very close emotionally. This is why your story brings up "red flags," because a relationship was formed, and words of love were spoken prior to anything in the bedroom. Next questions, have you contacted your school regarding counseling?
genegri Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Even if your MM were single, you still wouldn't have any chance with him. That is the difference between you and other OWs.
HennyPenny Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 So many posters seem to think that this married guy "is a good man". He does not look like a saint to me. A *really* good man should have told mycatluvsme to get the f*ck away from him and would not have continued the "friendship" after seeing that she was not exactly in her right mind. A decent man should not have gone at her place and shouldn't have had sex with her. She insisted? Okay. Let her insist. Leave. Slap her if you should. He had to give in? Bullsh*t. I give men more credit than that. Men (some of them) have brains and morals that won't allow thier d*cks to take over. He might be a decent person overall, it's nice that he felt gulty, but he is not exactly the innocent party. This is so "right on." Just had to quote it, lest it be overlooked. You have to realize that no matter how real or how deep your love is, nothing will come of it but pain. You can't force anyone to love you. This man has made it abundantly clear that he has no interest in you. He wouldn't be the first man to be flattered by a woman's attention, just as he wouldn't be the first man to have meaningless sex outside his marriage. You don't want things to escalate here. If you keep pursuing him you will force this situation to intensify, and not in a good way. Things can and will get ugly. Just look up "depressedwaiting" if you need an example.
Author mycatluvsme Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 I have an appointment to see a counselor on Friday. I'm am sort of scared of this. I've never spoken to a counselor before. I'm also really worried tha my SIL is going to say something about this to my mother. They are much closer than my mother and I. I know that my mom will hate me for this. My dad had left us for his OW when I was in High School. Thank you for pointing out that MM was not as innocent/good as people think. Yeah he stopped, he walked away, he even told me to my face that it was over, ect. HOWEVER, if he hadn't have crossed that line in the first place, he wouldn't have been in the situation to say or do those things.
UnknowingOW Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I'm glad you got in. I used my school's counseling when i was going through my divorce, and it helped me a lot. Don't be scared, but be completely honest with yourself and with them. The counselor cannot help if you aren't honest. They won't judge you; for it is not their job to judge. They will help you though.. I agree, he shouldn't have crossed that line, but it's the past now and you have to move forward with life to feel better.
BenThereDunThat Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I agree with Unk also. And good for you for making the appointment. One thing to add - also remember to be open minded about what they tell you. I saw a counselor when I was 19 and everything she told me that she saw in me, I disagreed with. It wasn't until I was a little older that I could really see and understand what she was trying to tell me. For some reason, my initial reaction was to always go on the defense. I hope your SIL doesn't tell your mom. If she does, and mom flips out, just be honest with how you have been feeling (and that you're getting help in trying to understand it). Hopefully she will understand.
Author mycatluvsme Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 I understand that many OW were very close to MM before the A started.. But.. We were close. We talked almost everyday. We took our breaks together most of the time. We would talk after work 2-4 days a week. I talked to him whenever I had a problem I needed to share.. How is that not being close before crossing the line? He always listened to me. He made me feel important. Yes, just by spending the time to talk to me, he made me feel like I was special. But, if I have to be honest with myself, and a counsellor on Friday. I guess when the deed was done, and the line was crossed, he really didn't treat me that special at that moment.
UnknowingOW Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 But, if I have to be honest with myself, and a counsellor on Friday. I guess when the deed was done, and the line was crossed, he really didn't treat me that special at that moment. Keep thinking exactly that.
pricillia Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 My cat... Good luck with your counseling. Sometimes it is helpful to stop asking why and just to know that this particular connection was not meant to be. I know that you think that it is right now, but as time goes by you will see that it is not. No he is not innocent by any means but you say that you love him and that means that you have to let him go. But more so you should love yourself more and your desire should be to be with someone that is just for you... WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE! In one of your relply's here you stated that you don't care about his wife and his daughter because he never talks about them. But you should care about the role that they play in his life. When I try to put things into perspective always think if the shoe was on the other foot and if you were the wife..and your husband was cheating on you. Also if he talks to you it does not mean that he in in love with you, maybe he took advantage of an opportunity, after all you did not leave him alone. When he stopped and said he can not do this he said it was because he loves his wife, he did not say it was because he does not want to hurt you. Take a big breath and a step back from this guy, he is not available.
Joelle Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Good luck with your counseling, MyCat. I think you'll be happier because of it.
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 I'm glad that you've calmed down, and can see what we're saying to you. And, ofcourse having your SIL with you helped as well. I'm sure after afew sessions in counselling, you'll feel much better and realize that the MM isn't worth it. You need a man who is single, available and will love you back.
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