christine2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 The facts: I have always been a jealous person and it has ruined many relationships.My current partner has never cheated on anyone and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I've met the family, we live together, and he's brutally honest in general so I am 99% confident he means what he says and says what he means.He is still close friends with his ex - they talk about 2x a week not to mention on-line communication and it drives me NUTS.Bottom line: I don't want to f*ck this up! My mind wanders and I am terribly insecure and I have broken down in tears while they are on the phone and I find myself snooping around on-line. It's almost like I am looking for stuff to be angry about - why? So I don't get hurt? The only person hurting me is MYSELF. How do I stop it????? Any tips???? Ideas????? Please help me.
Guest Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I am extremely jealous too so I know what you are going through. Firstly, unless he has given you good reason to feel jealous, is to realize that this could be more insignificant than it appears to you. YOU feel that your relationship is threatened, he doesn't, which is GOOD. We've established that the issue lies with you (note, I don't call it a problem, just an issue). He is happy and feels fulfilled with you. Crying and being unhappy will just make your bf feel bad, and then start to upset or even irritate him. DO NOT throw a tantrum or fight with him which might actually bring him closer to his ex by discussing it with her. Instead stay very calm and look at this logically. Since it bothers you, you should make your feelings clear to your bf. Ask him if there is a reason why he talks to his ex so frequently and what they talk about. If it is just random stuff, ask if it is possible to reduce the frequency. Tell him that while you are not insecure with him, it makes you feel uncomfortable and unless it is extremely important to him, you would prefer that he didn't talk with her so much. Compromise and say chatting online is ok, as long it is not excessive and interferes with the time you spend together. Tell him that in return, he is entitled to ask you to stop doing anything that makes him uncomfortable in the future. Guys understand a bargain and like to have a back up brownie point (just don't force it on him if he seems reluctant to accept this as an option). Ask him how he would feel if he was in your position. If he is kind, thoughtful and considerate of you he will understand. Since you say you don't want to mess up - don't! Find a good friend, talk this through, don't suppress it but don't let it consume you either.
DarkShadows Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I can relate. I am the same way. My boyfriend cheated on me twice but before I even knew he cheated I knew something was wrong. I knew he wasn't being truthful/faithful. ---My mind wanders--- My mind is constantly wandering. Especially after I found out he was cheating. The last time I found out he was cheating was about 2 weeks ago and a few days ago he asked me "why do girls always look at me then look away?" I asked when do they do this, he said "When I am walking alone down the street" and the first thought that popped in my head was "Why the **** are you starring at other girls you cheating sob!" I of course did not say any of this. But I am at constant thought that he's checking out girls or will cheat on me again. Whenever he mentions other girls I get upset. I noticed he pays more attention to girls than guys, online and offline and that annoys the **** out of me and makes me trust him less. I've even told him to knock it off, he gets pissed and says I'm doing nothing wrong. Well if your eyes are looking at her breasts while you're talking to her, then yea you are. Which he had done once while drunk. He does pay a lot more attention to girls, even the ones he says he does not like. He remembers things this girl we both hate did like 2 3 months ago, minor ****. Like what she was listening too. I know I am a jealous person, and I admitted that to him. But after cheating on me, it has nothing to do with jealousy but trusting him. I do not really know how to trust him or people in general. I have been screwed over by about everyone I know but I am a very relaxed person and do try my hardest to give everyone a chance, but he screwed me over twice so... How to trust him and his wandering eyes...
Lostgurl Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 The facts: I have always been a jealous person and it has ruined many relationships.My current partner has never cheated on anyone and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I've met the family, we live together, and he's brutally honest in general so I am 99% confident he means what he says and says what he means.He is still close friends with his ex - they talk about 2x a week not to mention on-line communication and it drives me NUTS.Bottom line: I don't want to f*ck this up! My mind wanders and I am terribly insecure and I have broken down in tears while they are on the phone and I find myself snooping around on-line. It's almost like I am looking for stuff to be angry about - why? So I don't get hurt? The only person hurting me is MYSELF. How do I stop it????? Any tips???? Ideas????? Please help me. I just went through the exact same thing. Except he cheated on me with her two years ago in the beginning of our relationship. Then last April he wanted to be friends wiht her. It caused lots of problems (unlike you i did the tantrm thing) We almost broke up, then he finally realized that i was never going to accept the fact that they were *just* friends and they stopped calling eachother. I have that *issue* also and i know exactly what you are going through I am sorry that you are feeling the way you are. I can't offer you advice because i don't know what to do about it myself. Just know that you aren't the only one who thinks/acts/does this. I know for a fact that i was looking for ways to be mad so i wouldn't get hurt again. I couldn't stand to think that he'd leave me for her again.
Author christine2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 My last bf left me for his ex and that may be partly why I get so nervous when new bf talks to his ex. Last night she called again (no particular reason, just to talk) and he kept it very brief but I knew without him even saying anything that it was her that called, because he has a different tone in his voice. I immediately started crying and we ended up in a HUGE argument. I'm going to lose him if this keeps up.... at the same time, he isn't helping matters any because when he gets upset he can be very mean and spiteful. What happened is I went to stay with a friend for 3 days because bf and I were having a rough patch (partly because of my jealousy issues) and he told me that he called his ex while I was gone and talked for 2-3 hours. Not that big a deal because he was so lonely he called like everyone he knows, parents, friends, everyone.... but last night in the middle of our fight he brought up the fact that she's "a good friend" and then he rubs it in that "at least she was there for me when you 'deserted me'". ugh. sometimes I wonder who's crazier - him or me
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 but last night in the middle of our fight he brought up the fact that she's "a good friend" and then he rubs it in that "at least she was there for me when you 'deserted me'". And you're still convinced this is just your issue? It's called "jealousy bait", sweetie … and people who use aren't "nice" and certainly shouldn't act all surprised when it incites the exact response it's intended to. No wonder you're a nervous wreck.
melodymatters Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 You could be talking about me ! ( as the ex who is still friends with your BF !) Maybe it will help if I give you my perspective ?? I shared 6 yrs of my life with P. Honestly, most of them were miserable LOL. But yet, he WAS this big part of my life and since I no longer live in our " hometown" he's kind of a ...Lifeline to my past. He remembers people and places that no one I currently know has any conception of. THAT is one big reason I still talk with him. Also, I have a GREAT BF, and a very good relationship now. I would NOT want " P" back, but my BF works very hard at a company we started together, and most my female friends are "married /2 kids/ fulltime jobs" so calling THEM is a 2 minute " nice to talk to ya but I've got to feed the family/go to PTA/ T-ball etc" So the EX is actually just an AVAILIBLE FRIEND. thats it. BUT....playing devils advocate ??? Um.... he says things sometimes that lead me to belive he would hook back up with me if I sent the proper signals. AND, I would be really pissed if current BF talked to HIS ex this much. ( maybe because of the signals I get from MY ex ??? ) So, I have no idea if ANY of this helps, but I felt compelled to answer and will role play " the ex GF" with you if you want !!! good luck !
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