double-edged sword

[christine2006]

I have a big problem with jealousy. My dilemma is this: if I voice my concerns to my bf then I seem like a crazy bitch and I give him even more reasons to bitch about me to his ex... my other option is to grow up already and really, truely stop caring about her.

 

Any tips on getting over jealousy??? He has made it clear that they are JUST FRIENDS and I totally believe him, for one thing he lives with me and never hides anything, even the few times they do talk on the phone he tells me, and for another thing she lives 2,000 miles away, cheated on him, and he has many other reasons not to be in a relationship with her again.

 

I feel insecure mainly because my last bf dumped me to get back with his ex, and also because bf and I have been having problems apart from the jealousy stuff. Apparently he talked to her for 2-3 hours while I was staying with a friend and shared some problems with her that him and I have been having (her being one of the problems). I'm embarrassed enough as it is without her knowing how jealous I am of her. Let me also add that she still has letters he wrote her posted on a website and still calls our home 1-2x a week and emails him pictures of her that he apparently "requested" (all of this is done on public internet sites and I can't help but think she's doing it on purpose and for some reason I feel compelled to go to these sites).

 

I need help. This is consuming me. What can I do to feel better about this? They were together for years and years and still care for each other and will always be a part of each other's lives (although will NEVER date again according to my bf) so how can I just accept it and be cool and not show how much it bothers me (it only makes things worse when I do). Please help - any ideas would mean a lot to me. I feel ridiculous and I need to stop this insanity before it destroys my relationship. She wants to destroy us because she's a malicious bitch but I can't allow her to keep getting to me.

[EnigmaXOXO]

if I voice my concerns to my bf then I seem like a crazy bitch and I give him even more reasons to bitch about me to his ex...

 

Are you saying he is bad-mouthing you to an ex lover he is still emotionally attached to (???)

 

If so, it's not your jealousy or paranoia … it's his total lack of empathy, respect, and consideration for you and your relationship. I don't care how much you love him or how afraid you are to upset him for fear of initiating a break up. Please, listen to your common sense and don't permit him to use your self-doubt to turn this around on you and make his inconsiderate behavior your fault.

 

Christine ... that inner voice is telling you something and you really ought to listen to her. She's a sharp cookie.

[blind_otter]

It is completely inappropriate to share your current relationship difficulties with an ex-lover. Your BF is being a grade-A selfish jerk.

[christine2006]

what happened is I stayed at a friends house to clear my head for a couple of days and he was alone in the apartment and reached out to A LOT of people for support... family, friends and the ex. Apparently she calls him about her bf trouble too. I have no proof that he actually "bad-mouthed" me to her, I just know they talked for a few hours and because I know him so well I'm sure my jealousy came up in conversation. Quite honestly he's bad at thinking before he speaks and he's like this with everyone, not just her. I'm sure there was no evil intent, so using the phrase "bitch about me" was probably out of line on my part. Part of my jealousy is that I ASSUME things. I want to ask him what EXACTLY they talked about but I'm afraid (because he's so friggin honest and does have such a big mouth) that he'll confirm my worst fears and admit to telling her certain things (like how I read her page and get upset) how embarrassing! On the other hand - I could be totally wrong and maybe he kept some stuff to himself... in that case asking him will only piss him off and keep this stupid issue going.

 

What I really need is some advice on how to let her go and how I stop myself from freaking out??? It gets to the point now that I cry everytime she calls, and it's not like he goes into a another room or has anything to hide from me... I'm just super paranoid.

[Angelina1433]

I'm in the exact same situation as you - she lives in another state and i know that they talk a lot. I was super paranoid and upset when I first found out. I actually blew up and we broke up for awhile. The only thing that helps me get over my paranoia is to just trust my bf. He tells me he's not interested and I have to trust him. If he gives me a reason not to trust him and her and their relationship, then I'm bailing. Until then, I just keep quiet. It's easier said than done, but just try it. You'll get used to it. Also, you should ask him to at least, if he chooses to talk to her, talk to her when you are not around or go into another room because you are uncomfortable with it. I'm sure that he'll respond positively if he respects and loves you. PM me if you want and I'll talk more.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It's sad to see that you have been convinced that the issue with the ex girlfriend is yours instead of his. But I understand your desire to be more objective and open-minded in order to give this relationship a fair chance.

 

I'm probably not the best person to respond because I don't necessarily advocate that people force themselves to remain in situations where they feel pressured into accepting certain conditions that exceed their own personal comfort zones. I think it's great to challenge your perspectives … but not at the risk of your own peace of mind, emotional well-being and happiness.

 

Given the kind of feedback you're looking for … I think Angelina's strategy is the only other option available to you right now. At least until some more time has passed and you can better gauge whether or not your boyfriend will come to a place where he's ready to make some compromises on the behalf of your relationship … Or if the "package deal" is something you'll eventually learn to digest and live with.

 

I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I'm assuming the reason your boyfriend feels so comfortable and unthreatened by the ex-lover-turned-platonic-friend issue is because you don't have any ex boyfriends still lingering in the background that you consider a confidant and best friend. I suspect if the roles were reversed, he might not feel nearly as confidant, understanding and 'secure' about the situation as he expects you to be. I just hope that he never tries to impose double-standards or have any expectations of you that he does not require of himself. The one 'red flag' you'll always want to pay close attention to is someone whose relationship views and perspectives regarding acceptable conduct does not remain consistent --- for BOTH sides.

 

And while I'm not sure what the argument was about that caused you to part ways for a while … but if it was about "her," and he refused to even consider your feelings a priority over his friend's, then you might want to consider whether it's worth being in a relationship with someone who is more loyal to his past lovers than his current one.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide. Meanwhile, please STOP being so afraid. If you have questions --- then you must find the courage and confidence to ask them. So what if he thinks you're paranoid or jealous.(???) Screw that. His thoughts and opinions can't ever hurt you unless you permit it. Don't forget: you're in this relationship, too, and you have every right to ask questions and expect honest answers from any partner you are expected to share your life with.

[blind_otter]

 

What I really need is some advice on how to let her go and how I stop myself from freaking out??? It gets to the point now that I cry everytime she calls, and it's not like he goes into a another room or has anything to hide from me... I'm just super paranoid.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but there is no way to trick yourself into accepting something. Especially when you've been manipulated into believing a situation is all on you!

 

Honestly, there ARE appropriate people to reach out to when you're going through it. Friends, family, minister, therapist....but not exlovers. That just adds a dimension to the situation that complicates rather than alleviates.

 

IMO this is hardly ever the case...whenever there is a situation that causes one partner, or both, emotional pain -- both should work to compromise so that both partners feel relatively OK with everything. To ask you to get over it, without doing anything himself to alleviate your suffering, is pretty darn selfish onyour BF's part.

[christine2006]

I'm really touched to read all the thoughtful and honest replies to my post.

 

So last night she called again (just to talk) and I got upset and lost my head and we ended up in a really bad fight. He said that he still considers her a good FRIEND and that is all and that if he ever does leave me it will be because of my insecurity and my jealousy, it won't be because of her. It will be because he can't stand the constant fighting. He said that if it would make me feel better he will ask her to stop calling the house. I just don't want her to know how much she is affecting me... she should not have this much power over my emotions. The fight turned really ugly and he poured salt into my already open wounds saying, "she's a good friend and at least she was there for me whereas you deserted me" (because I stayed at a friends house for 3 days). Talk about mind manipulation and making me even more insecure.

 

In response to enigma - I don't know how he would feel if any of my exes called the house. I'm on good terms with them and talk to them via email occasionally, but they know I'm living with my bf and for that reason would not call unless it was an emergency or something. She's 8 years younger than me and immature to the point that it took her weeks to even ask to speak to him if I picked up the phone - she would just hang up. Anyway, it's hard to say how he would feel... but I can say that there is a guy I used to date that we see in passing a lot around town and my bf is always very friendly to him and talks to him, sometimes even more than I do. They've even hung out together without me around. So he's definitely okay with him at least, but then again I don't go out of my way to talk to the guy, I only talk to him when I see him.

 

So should I let him ask her to stop calling? Or is that giving her more reason to think she's affecting me?

 

Enigma - I asked him specifics about their conversation during the fight last night and he said he did not tell her that I looked at her page, that he knows she is too manipulative to handle that information. So I did wrongly assume the worst as far as what he told her.

 

I just wish she wasn't an issue.... I blame myself, but from what people on here seem to be saying, I'm not totally at fault. I was so excited when we moved in together - this is my first time with "cohabitation" and I never felt so in love as I did then... but from the first month together the phone calls started and it threw me. I never thought his ex would call my home ( he moved into my apartment), especially as frequently as she does. But I can't control her selfish behavior, I can only control my response to it.

 

I'm going to try and find a counselor today.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I just saw your other post, and my stomach sunk for you. It's not fair for him to dangle jealousy bait in front of you by making comments that compare you to his ex … then after inciting the reaction he intended, turn it around on you and make you think you’re the one that's nuts. These are sophomoric mind games that real "nice guys" don't play.

 

I think you should be encouraged to feel more confident regarding your personal relationship boundaries…no matter what anyone else may think of them. But you must first determine where exactly they are. Your lessons from the past shouldn't make you fearful of future relationships, but rather give you a better understanding of what it is you require from a partner in order to feel comfortable in a relationship. Let them call you jealous, let them call you insecure … none of that matters because only YOU are in control of your own happiness and peace of mind. And if you find yourself with someone who doesn't share your views, then it doesn't make either of you right or wrong … it just makes you incompatible. You have to somehow find the confidence, courage and love for yourself to walk away from someone who makes you feel less than you are.

 

In regards to you other question … I don't believe in browbeating your partner into see things from your point of view. He already knows how you feel, so it must be up to him to make his own choice from here. It has to be a compromise he genuinely wants to make or he'll only end up resenting you for forcing him to make that sacrifice. While this is an issue that many couples deal with early on in their relationships … if your particular situation were different, my advice would be not to make any serious commitments, promises of exclusivity, move in together or (God forbid) get married before you can even determine whether or not your differences can be resolved. And you should never feel forced to surrender your own values and subjugate yourself to a life of misery just to keep one person in a relationship happy.

 

There's someone out there for you that shares your outlook and will respect you just the way you are. Maybe time will determine that this guy just isn't the one for you. It IS possible to be in a relationship without fear … but you must first find the confidence in yourself to realize that no matter what happens (even if your worst fears come true and this relationship turns out like the last one) … you WILL survive it just like you did the last time.