Returning Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 I recently started dating a woman I met online. She has a really nice personality and is a good sort. However, before we met no mention was made of her size, although she did say she had a lost a lot of weight and was continuing to do so. She lives 3 hours away from me which didn't really strike me as an obsticle. Anyways we met and got on great, she was easy to be around and we had a laugh. I'm not a vain person but I maintain a good appearance, I work out and watch my diet, don't have bushy nostrils or brown teeth and have good personal hygiene. I believe it's right to take care of yourself. So me and my friend met again, I had noticed she was a UK size 16/18 but did not prevent this from seeing her cool personality. I did not want to raise the subject as I didn't want to impact in any way on her self esteem. Previously I have dated women around UK size 12 who took a pride in their appearance. After further conversation it became obvious that she did not consider her size or lack of condition to be a problem and even mentioned putting on more weight if she gave up smoking. This had me running for the hills. However, this woman is really struck on me and is making all sorts of plans, I have expressed my reluctance but have not mentioned the reason. It seems too awkward to say look your a cool woman but unless you shed the excess and tone up whats left I'm really not interested but that is the case. I know this makes me sound shallow but hey, whats a guy to do? She has a good bone structure and a pretty face and would be an angel if she slimmed down to a healthier weight. Any suggestions?
Ruby Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Tell her what you want from her ... Then I hope she looks in your pants and says that when you get a bigger cock she will 'shed the excess' If you dont like her just drop it and let her find someone 'less shallow' who will appreciate her for how she is and not what he wants her to be!!! How2 would you feel if she told you that she did not want to date you unless you get your teeth sorted out or a nose job?
LikkleMissConfused Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 If you don't like what you see tell her straight that you don't thing this will work and leave it alone. You can't ask for her to change she should do it coz she wants to not for you! Thats my take on it.
stoopid_guy Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 If you don't like what you see tell her straight that you don't thing this will work and leave it alone. You can't ask for her to change she should do it coz she wants to not for you! Thats my take on it. Agreed. You deserve a lady as vain/shallow as you, and she deserves someone who appreciates her the way she is.
Guest Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I know this makes me sound shallow but hey, whats a guy to do? She has a good bone structure and a pretty face and would be an angel if she slimmed down to a healthier weight. Any suggestions? Yeah, a couple. Grow a pair and be straight with her, geez. Just because you suddenly lost respect for based on her appearance alone (as it seems) does not give you an infinite right to leave her dangling. And by the way, what exactly is a "healthier" weight? More importantly, how do you know what hers is? You suddenly became her personal physician?
Author Returning Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 Well....I guess I asked for that. Thanks for your posts people the comments are noted. I should have worded my post better but at the end of the day it does suggest vanity and shallowness. Thanks LikkleMissConfused that was my take on it also.
superconductor Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I find this really funny. I mean, if a woman doesn't want to date a man that's balding, pudgy or whatever, they're supported for "not settling." But if a guy would rather have someone svelte over someone overweight, he's automatically shallow. OP, if you're not attracted to her because of her weight (or anything else for that matter), that's just life. It doesn't make you shallow, it just means that you're not attracted to that particular body type.
DarkShadows Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Oh this sounds all too familiar. I was huge when my boyfriend and I met. I was at 324. (Don't laugh.) I've been big since I was born. I was tossed outside as a child and forced to eat whole cakes until I was let back inside the house, etc. Not to get into my life story... but anyways he helped me find a doctor who would help me. I had mini gastric bypass done in January of 2005. I"m down to about 162 pounds, atm. I have excess skin, but a great bone structure. Nice hourglass figure, My boyfriend says he loves my figure and thinks I have a gorgeous face. This was one strain on our relationship because when we met up he would never hold my hand or acted like my boyfriend in public. On my birthday we went for a walk, no one around and I tried to kiss him and he brushed me off. I asked him later why he did that and he finally broke down and told me that he was embarassed by me. I can understand but I was so completely and utterly hurt. So I can relate if you dump this bull**** on her. At that time I was very insecure and now I regret staying with him for what he did, but it's been a year and I just can't dump him for it now. Still being big, not huge, and seeing the **** he looked at on the net makes me hate myself and hate him more than I did. If you want a blonde, fake boob, surgery every month type of girl who live sin the gym then I suggest going to hollywood and finding yourself a playdate barbie want to be. Girls who aren't perfect always treat a man better than those who are 'perfect.'
DarkShadows Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 --- mean, if a woman doesn't want to date a man that's balding, pudgy or whatever, they're supported for "not settling."-- Only magazines like Cosmo, state that. I have never heard a women in real life say that. My boyfriend who is 27, is balding and has a tummy and I would never think 'oh I must dump him because he isn't perfect." I find the less physical perfect they are the more sexier they are in my eyes. But that's just me I suppose.
Guest Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I find this really funny. I mean, if a woman doesn't want to date a man that's balding, pudgy or whatever, they're supported for "not settling." But if a guy would rather have someone svelte over someone overweight, he's automatically shallow. What a load. I would bust on a woman on that sort of thing faster if she pulled the same bs on a man. What chaps my a** about the OP is his mindboggling inability to grow a pair and say it straight to the chick. Also, the problem I also have is his apparent belief that their is "healthier" weight when bodytypes are idiosyncratic and therefore, yield different body mass. Oh, and now he's her physician? Instead, he just strings her along because she's a good laugh, wahey! Large people have enough people harping on them about their weight. They know they're fat. They don't need any additional idiots who pretend they don't notice. They are not stupid. So OP: quit treating her like an idiot. Tell her the truth. You'd be surprised. She's probably has more cajones than you.
Guest Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 (Don't laugh.) I've been big since I was born. I was tossed outside as a child and forced to eat whole cakes until I was let back inside the house, etc. No laughter from here, that's for damn sure. However, I have to say: WTF! and OMFG! That is...JUST! SO! WRONG!
DarkShadows Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Guest - Right on! I loved that post. I don't know if you are a female or male, not that it matters, but good for you for that post. Great post.
Guest Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I have gotta say to all of these folks posting about being vain/shallow, etc....he's not into big women. This woman is not taking care of herself. There is nothing vain or shallow about that. I'm a woman, I'm not into big guys...I don't think that's shallow. I prefer someone who will put a little effort into themselves. And don't give me the crap about time/body type/whatever. I have kids, I work full time, go to college full time, and I still work out 3-4 times a week and eat like a normal person, not a vacuum. When will we stop treating overweight people with kid gloves, and just say that they choose to be that way? No one is naturally 50 lb or more overweight (the VERY rare medical abnormality excepted). You get that way by consuming more calories than you burn, period. If you stay that way, it does say something about your personality and your character. If you can't manage to take minimal care of your body, what else is lacking? So no, I don't think he's shallow at all. He knows that he wants a woman who will take care of herself. You might as well just tell her straight out though, no use making her wonder what killed the relationship.
Guest Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 You like her as a person, but you're not crazy about all of her. The answer is simple...you don't like her enough to date her. Move on and find someone who's your match. I'm not attracted to blonde guys, red heads or guys that are too muscular. I like stocky guys, with a bit of a gutt. Does that make me shallow because I'm not attracted to Brad Pitt types? Who's to decide what's beautiful or not beautiful? It's all objective. If you don't feel it, you don't feel it. Most people aren't attracted to heavy people...then there are some guys who love fat women. Every pot has a cover...this chick isn't your cover.
arniebuteft Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Huh? Since when is it a crime to be physically attracted and/or turned off by certain features? Should he pretend to lust after her? How would she feel knowing that she just didn't do it for him, but he was putting that aside because "it's not cool" to dislike an unhealthy body. There's a big difference between only dating Barbie dolls, versus not being attracted to someone who's overweight and unhealthy. Returning, I do think you should be straight with her that you're not interested (but no need to say why).
Sand&Water Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Folks, calm down! You are, literally, killing the guy. Returning, Either way, having told her or not, you would have crushed her feelings. There is no easy road to the nearest exit. Take it as it is -a lesson learned. Good luck.
Guest Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Huh? Since when is it a crime to be physically attracted and/or turned off by certain features? Should he pretend to lust after her? How would she feel knowing that she just didn't do it for him, but he was putting that aside because "it's not cool" to dislike an unhealthy body. There's a big difference between only dating Barbie dolls, versus not being attracted to someone who's overweight and unhealthy. Nobody's questioning his choices. Certainly not me. (Although the big=unhealthy issue is a point of contention with me. It's not always the case.) Personally, I wouldn't give a toss if he has fetish for Aryan Bulimics. It's what he's doing about the whole thing. That's the problem. The waffling, the foot-tapping, and the constant contact he's maintaining because she's got a great personality. His pity is her waste of time. She's looking for a relationship, too. And he's getting in her way by talking to her. That's it, that's all.
Arianna72 Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Yeah... telling her how you feel is certainly necessary and obviously be nice about it. I find it very interesting how many people are jumping on the OP for being honest. There is nothing vain about not being attracted to a particular body type or a particular person for any reason. We all have types that we prefer and pretending it is not the case in order to be “politically correct” or “socially acceptable” and not “vain” is just plain silly. And the comment about treating people who are "overweight" with kid gloves is so true. I highly doubt as many people would have made comments had he said something like "she is a bit skinny for my tastes"... or that she didn't appear to take care of herself and looked "anorexic”. Apparently it is okay to mention concerns over just about any other type of behavior when you are beginning to date someone but if you are concerned with their weight and activity level you suddenly become vain.
stoopid_guy Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I find it very interesting how many people are jumping on the OP for being honest. There is nothing vain about not being attracted to a particular body type or a particular person for any reason. We all have types that we prefer and pretending it is not the case in order to be “politically correct” or “socially acceptable” and not “vain” is just plain silly.I agree, there's nothing wrong with prefering a certain body type, look, age range, or whatever. Two things bugged me; The first was not telling her how important it was to him from the beginning, and the second was the "she has a good bone structure and a pretty face and would be an angel if she slimmed down to a healthier weight" comment.
DarkShadows Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I agree, there's nothing wrong with prefering a certain body type, look, age range, or whatever. Two things bugged me; The first was not telling her how important it was to him from the beginning, and the second was the "she has a good bone structure and a pretty face and would be an angel if she slimmed down to a healthier weight" comment. I agree with what bugged you, because those two things bugged me. If she has a good bone structure and pretty face, then who cares if she is a few pounds overweight? I mean you could help her work on it, but to dump a great person for being a little overweight or too skinny or whatnot is just, well, typical, i guess and pretty messed up. I don't know how long they were together but to get rid of someone over something so minor is pretty ****ed up. SHE IS AN ANGEL NOW. He's been leading her on, and she's having all these *future* feelings... and he's lead her to believe he cares for her when he doesn't. That's the messed up part. What if she lost all her weight and she became this super hot woman and her whole personality changes for the worse? Then what? She's an angel still because she's skinny?
insomnie Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 When will we stop treating overweight people with kid gloves, and just say that they choose to be that way? No one is naturally 50 lb or more overweight (the VERY rare medical abnormality excepted). You get that way by consuming more calories than you burn, period. If you stay that way, it does say something about your personality and your character. If you can't manage to take minimal care of your body, what else is lacking? Totally agree. I don't think it's shallow at all to want a partner who cares about their apperance and more importantly, their health.
Flicker Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 If you're not physically attracted to her, there's nothing much you can do about it. But that is your problem (and loss by the sound of it) buddy, not hers. Don't put your expectations onto her. If she is happy and heathly, who are you to make her feel that she's not good enough. Just quietly, I think you sound like a jerk. She's probably better off without you.
Author Returning Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 For the record: our association has been less than 8 days long, I knew from the off that it could be no more than platonic, however she had other ideas and was quite aggressive in her advances. It wasn't for me and I am out of it with no harm done, I paused for thought without dismissing it out of hand. I stopped and considered her opinion and the possibilitys it presented. Again thanks for all the posts, they have been illuminating. I have told her straight that the situation is not working for me. However she is an Aries and is very persistant, determind and focused on her objective of cultivating a relationship. This pushy side to her character does not sit well with my Cancerian disposition and has me running for cover. Therefore providing an acceptable reason for the discontinuance of our association. "When Confucious was minister of justice in the Lao principality, his advice was not followed. From then on, he made up his mind to resign. But to not make manifest a grave error by his prince, he waited until the prince made a small fault. Later, a sacrifice was made. The cooked meat offered to the spirits was not, according to custom, distributed to the prefects. Confucious left, without taking the time to remove his ceremonial hat. Those who did not know him thought he had left because he had not had meat. Those who knew him saw that it was because of an omission in the ceremony. Without doubt Confucious wanted to go because of a small fault; but he would not have wanted to do it without evident reason. Ordinary men cannot appreciate the conduct of wise men." "What chaps my a** about the OP is his mindboggling inability to grow a pair and say it straight to the chick." I hope your skin irritation is soon over, it had nothing to do with a lack of a pair but more with the fact I wanted out and didn't want to hurt the woman in any way, I sought the views of the forum as the situation was somewhat delicate. As the main theme of the posts tallied with my gut feeling a way forward was arrived at. Thanks to all Returning
Cecelius Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 OP, people read posts fast, make assumptions given the forum limitations, and react based on that. You are not attracted to her now, but you think that if she were thinner, you would be. Nothing wrong with that thought process, but it isn't going to happen. People in relationships often relax more later -- once the security sets in. There is no hope for you changing her (it's up to her), and why would you bother given the potential waste of time and injury to her feelings. when balanced again almost no time invested to this point. Chalk it up to an unfortunate circumstance, stay friends with her if you want, but move on.
fishtaco Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Returning, Nothing wrong with your line of thought. I put in A LOT of effort into fitness. So when I see people (man or woman), I notice their physical conditioning right away. I meet women like that too... now only if they would diet and exercise, maybe just put in half the effort I put in, they'd be stunning. Well, not everyone is into reaching their potential. Some are just happy being how they are. You can't change people. But once you have the talk and let her know this is just platonic, you've done your part. If she pushes forward and gets disappointed later, it's not your fault. If you've been honest and clear, you've done your part.
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