Kicking myself in the butt!

[FloridaBoy]

Hey all, just joined as me and my wife are going through a separation. Could really use some advise as to how to try to get her back. She left the house 2 weeks ago. Leading up to this, I hadn't gotten drunk in well over six months. But the two weekends before she left, I had went out to the bar and stayed til closing. I am a recovering addict, but still drank occasionally. She is aware of my problem and has helped me through it. We have been married for less than a year but together for close to 6. We're both 23, and we have two beautiful daughters. I have not since drank nor do I usually drink frequently. We have had much money problems as of late. Whenever i would work, she would get laid off or vice versa. I don't know what to do sitting in my house by myself, knowing she is at her mothers only 2 blocks away. She says she doesn't know what she wants. I don't know if she really wants to leave, or just wants us to work on ourselves separately for a while. We have both since enrolled in school to finish our respective degrees. I just can't live like this. I miss coming home from work and seeing her and the kids waiting for me. I miss laying in bed with her at night and watching the news. I know I can get her to come home. I just don't know how. She is such a strong minded person, she'll stay gone just to prove a point, no matter how much she is hurting. I was nuts at first, now I'm trying to be calm and just let things happen. We do talk usually a few times aday. I just can't beg her to come home, she will run farther. What the heck do I do?

 

-FloridaBoy

[FloridaBoy]

I have just found out from my mother that my wife is coming over to the house when I'm at work, looking through the house for drugs or alcohol, to see if I am going off the deep end. What does this mean? Is she trying to make a decision on what to do? Need answers.

[Ladyjane14]

It means she doesn't trust you not to be taking drugs and drinking alcohol. You would probably do well to initiate some kind of counseling, or perhaps join a 12-step program. You'll need to prove to her that you're willing to work hard at staying clean.

 

Marriage counseling wouldn't hurt either. It sounds like your home life is hectic with small kids, as well as both of you trying to hold a job and finish your education. Good communications, and observing each other's boundaries will be a must.

 

If you don't have money for counseling, you might begin with reading a copy of The Five Love Languages.

[Guest]

It means she doesn't trust you not to be taking drugs and drinking alcohol. You would probably do well to initiate some kind of counseling, or perhaps join a 12-step program. You'll need to prove to her that you're willing to work hard at staying clean.

 

Marriage counseling wouldn't hurt either. It sounds like your home life is hectic with small kids, as well as both of you trying to hold a job and finish your education. Good communications, and observing each other's boundaries will be a must.

 

If you don't have money for counseling, you might begin with reading a copy of The Five Love Languages.

 

I'm doing neither drugs nor alcohol, just unfortunately a backslid two weeks in a row. I am currently involved in a 12 step, have a sponsor. I have worked hard at staying clean, i've been clean (sans alcohol) for a year. I don't think she wants to leave, but I believe she thinks we might be able to make more progress in the here and now by being separated. Meanwhile, she lives with her mother, I pay the rent, electric, cable, water etc on my own on one persons wages. I don't know how I'm gonna make any progress being forced to pick up a second job and to continue school. I do want her home, so I will do whatever it takes. Maybe you could further expand on the part about "good communications and observing each others boundaries"? Your advice is greatly appreciated. I don't believe in divorce. I just want my family back.

[FloridaBoy]

It means she doesn't trust you not to be taking drugs and drinking alcohol. You would probably do well to initiate some kind of counseling, or perhaps join a 12-step program. You'll need to prove to her that you're willing to work hard at staying clean.

 

Marriage counseling wouldn't hurt either. It sounds like your home life is hectic with small kids, as well as both of you trying to hold a job and finish your education. Good communications, and observing each other's boundaries will be a must.

 

If you don't have money for counseling, you might begin with reading a copy of The Five Love Languages.

 

I do believe she still loves me. Should I do the exact opposite of everything I want to do (i.e. call her, tell her I miss her, ask her to come home, tell her how upset I am)? She came by the other morning at 7 because the power went out the night before and wanted to make sure I woke up for work(alarm reset). I don't even want to get out of bed, and seeing her and the kids is really really upsetting me. She is living with her mother, I am left in the house to pay the house payment, electric, water cable, until she decides whether she wants to come home or not. I need a roommate but can't bring myself to find one because, In my f***ed up head, that would be an admission of failure. I haven't drank since the night she left, and like i said, it was the second time in 6 months i've done this, it just so happens that it was 2 weeks in a row. I feel horrible about it, I've apologized a million times. I am in a 12 step program, have a sponsor. But without her and the kids, what the hell do I have? Why would a person not want to go nuts? Thanks for responding and listening to my problems. I don't have any friends really, due to the type of friends i had in my former life. Don't really have anyone to talk to. Thanks again.

[FloridaBoy]

spoke with my W today. We talked and I guess part of our problems our that I'm very selfish. I can see what she is talking about so I'm gonna have to work on that. She also says I need to learn to be more independant. This is where I get confused. I have offered to build an extra room at my parents house, which i could live in, or I can keep struggling with the full load of bills at my apartment, she won't tell me what I should do. Says I need to be independant and figure it out. But if I'm at my parents house, how the hell am I being more independant???? Grrr I'm confused. Some advice please?

[Gunny376]

"Man-up" and be a man. She's telling you either lead, follow, or get the Hell out of the way. She's telling you take responsiblity for your life, your actions, your deeds ~ and to stand behind them regardless of the outcome.

 

She's telling you that no matter the situation, the outcome you can deal with it. A good example of this is ilmw's post. Marriage ~ no marriage, Wife ~ no wife, he's come to terms with the situation and is prepared to deal with it. He's got a Plan A and a Plan B, and even a Plan C, to live his live fully and to its fullest.

 

Women are attracted to men who are mentally and emotionally strong. Who can handle what life throws at them. You've got a chance here, I think. If she was beyond the point of carrying ~ she wouldn't be sneaking back to the house after you've gone to work checking to see if you've got drugs or alcohol stashed there. If she didn't care she wouldn't be talking to you. But, none of that is the issue ~ the issue is you've got to man up and show her that you're stronger than the booze and stronger than the drugs, and that you can handle what life throws at you come what may.

 

She needs to know that you've the kind of man that she can trust and who an and will meet her emotional needs, and at this point I'm not even sure you know what that means.

 

Some if not a lot of women try and sugarcoat what they say, so you've got to put a little thought into it. So when she says, you're selfish what's she's saying is that she needs for you to be more giving. When she tells you that you need to be more independent ~ she's telling you (I belive) she wants and needs more help with the children and with the house (the real reason she moved home to Mama) and you can'tdo that if you're drunk, hungover, or on drugs ~ and besides do you really want that around your children? Obviously she dosesn't!

 

Something tells me this is going to be one of those long threads!

[Gunny376]

Patience and balance ~ at all times.

 

Come here, rant and rave all you want, but around her you're the very eptiomen of the Zen of patience and balance.

[Lor]

I am a recovering addict, but still drank occasionally.

 

Honey, you can't be both. Read Diesel's threads if you want to see what alcohol can do to a marriage and he'll tell you how good he feels to be free of it. So you don't have many friends now that your sober? good for you! Those are friends you don't need right now. Time to find some new ones; join a baseball league, join a gym or something. And there are plenty of fun things to do to meet people without having to spend money.

 

She does still care or she wouldn't still be trying to take care of you. But if you push, she's gonna push back. You've got a lot of proving to do so if you want her back you'd better start doing it. when she says that you need to learn to be independent, she's stating that its time you start manning up, taking your role as a father/husband very seriously--the party life is over.

 

Wanna start proving it to her you've changed? Give her the phone number of your sponsor and let him/her know she may call and that you give your permission to let her know how you're doing.

[FloridaBoy]

Thanks for your advice guys, I really really apreciate it. I'm not perfect, but I am willing to do anything I have to do to make my marriage work. I'm not sure if she wants to yet. She called last night and we got into a discussion. I have not drank since this whole thing happened, and I don't think I need it. And you're absolutely right when it comes to having a plan a,b, or c. I am definately preparing myself for the worst. The worst part is, besides you guys and my mother, I have nobody to talk to. I know that sounds really sad, but all of my "old" friends are still living their crazy lives. I've given them up a long time ago. Should I not even be calling her? Let her call me, let her initiate communication? Also, she says her main issue, which is something she doesn't know if she can get over, is the fact that I was unfaithful 3 years ago. I'm not proud of this, and I have never ever tried to do it again. Maybe my late night bar hops were making her think I was looking? Again guys, thanks for the help and I won't be a stranger.

[Gunny376]

with the wife ~ matters not in regards to the bars, the drugs, and the drinking. News Flash for your there Slick ~ you're a parent now! That means you need to get your act and your head together for those children, set an example for them, and be there for them ~ and that means more than just shelling out the dollars.

 

And, yea! The best thing to do is to put it in neutral, and let the whole thing idle for awhile. There's a such thing as leaving well enough alone.

 

You've got to hope for the best, and be prepared for the worse ~ either way you slice or dice it, it still comes down to getting your head out of your ass, getting your head and ass wire back together and getting your act together, (By the way, I'm known for my subtle re-marks!) You need to do that for the children and for yourself.

 

To be honest with you ~ given your track record ~ I can't much blame her, can you? I mean here she is a former addict, young mother of young children, working, going to school trying to get the mule and wagon called her life out of the ditch and back on the right track and you pull this stunt. She thought that you were doing the same thing ~ and she was leaning on you, and thought you were leaning on her ~ and you backslid on her.

 

When I took my boys (Marines) down to Hurrican Andrew relief back in the early Nineties ~ and we pulled into Homestead, the girs went wild over us. They were like "You're in shape, work out, not on drugs, not a gangnanger and actually have a decent job! Where have you been all my life!" Its not that we were all that, its just the low lifes they were accustomed to.

 

Let me tell you from experience ~ you know what drugs and alcohol does for you - nothing. It changes nothing, it un-does nothing, it prevents nothing, all it does is a whole lot of nothing.

 

It does make you poorer. It can cost you your job, your carrer, your wife, your marriage, your family, your future, your health, your home.

 

Doesn't matter what you've been through or what kind of childhood you've had. All that matters is what you're going to do about it, and all you've got right now is yourself. Before you can work on your marriage ~ you've got to work on yourself and on getting yourself and your life together. I've been (minus the drugs) where you're at and back, done left and come back again.

 

Wheather with the DW or some other woman you've got zero chance with her or any other decent woman until you get yourself together.

 

The only way you've got a snowball's chance in Hell of putting this back togther is to turn away from your former life ~ and the accompyning friends. Turn your back on the whole life style.

 

You're going to have to start getting educated. If you're up to reading ~ start hitting the books, if not get the audio version. Human retention is about 20% ~ so that means you're going to probally have to go over the material at least 5 times to even begin to approach 100% retention.

 

As I've said you've got to approach this with balance and patieance.

 

Keep posting.

 

PS. BTW, such things as an affair, short term, long term, emotional is news we could use in helping you. Any other skeltons in the closet, such as sexual encounters involving you, clowns and dancing circus bears?

[FloridaBoy]

I had a one night fling with someone back in 2003. She is still working through that, and has said she doesn't know if she can get over it. Since the last time I posted, I've moved back in with my parents . I'm trying to not call her anymore. I had been calling and trying to make small talk. I have been spending time with my kids a couple days a week. I'm really struggling, not talking to her. But should I be trying to be totally out of her life? I miss her.

[Gunny376]

What you should be doing is working on becoming the best "you" that you can become ~ less the alcohol, less the drugs.

 

BTW ~ that's a lifelong project! By the time you reach 90 or so you should have most of the kinks worked out.

 

Life's hard ~ no matter who you are. Its a struggle. And, its all relative. But, its still hard and stiil a struggle.

 

There are literally billions of people in this world that would laugh at your problems. They're worried about where they're going to sleep tonight and where they're next meal is going to come from. Better to be among the poorest of the poor in a Western - Northern Hemisphere country than in a Third World Country.

 

You screwed up! Join the Club! So did I! Now take that experience and learn from it, and grow from it! Build upon it! I didn't cheat on my wife, but I had about 1/10th of the knowledge I needed to make a marriage work. I actually thought that if I had a good job, made decent money, provided for the material wants and needs of my wife and children that that was enough.

 

Survey Says! WRONG!

 

I thought that if I didn't run around on my wife, didn't beat her, drink up nor gamble away the rent money ~ that that was enough!

 

Survey Says! WRONG!

 

I tought that if I didn't put golf, hunting, fishing, whatever before my wife that I was doing my part as a husband!

 

Survey Says! WRONG!

 

Keep posting!

[FloridaBoy]

What you should be doing is working on becoming the best "you" that you can become ~ less the alcohol, less the drugs.

 

 

First of all, I told you I was a recovering addict, I havent done drugs in a quite some time. Unfortunately I had been replacing, as of lately with alcohol. I havent had a drink since this happened. What I was asking you is whether or not I should completely lose contact with her, unless I'm picking up my daughters?

[Ladyjane14]

Sweetie, you two are very young, and it's quite a struggle these days for young people to make ends meet and start a family.

 

Gunny's telling you exactly right though. You need to prove to this girl that you're THE GUY for her. Unfortunately, you've disappointed her a time or two. So... the LAST thing you need to do is disappoint her again.

 

NC (no contact) is NOT for you. You need to be showing this young lady what an attractive and stable guy you are. You can't do that when you're not talking to her.

 

Work on improving whatever you need to improve in order to address the marital problems. Spend as much family time with her and the kids as she will allow. Show her that you're a great Dad. And be the epitome of patience and understanding while you're addressing your wife's needs.

 

You've EARNED your way into the doghouse, young man... now it's up to you to EARN your way out.

[Gunny376]

First of all, I told you I was a recovering addict, I havent done drugs in a quite some time. Unfortunately I had been replacing, as of lately with alcohol. I havent had a drink since this happened. What I was asking you is whether or not I should completely lose contact with her, unless I'm picking up my daughters?

 

 

Women, despite recent strides need a man that is emotionally stronger, that can weather the storm, that is part of the answer, and not part of the problem, who are part of the soultions to the and not part of the problems.

 

In answer to your question. Walk the wallk, not just talk the talk.