Guest Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Been married 21 years to high school sweetheart. Looking back, was never head over heals in love I guess. I just felt comfortable with her and we naturally progressed into marriage. Well, anyway, over the years we have grown apart. I have that, I love you but not in love with you feeling. Yes, there were some issues over the years of some unmet needs of mine that I guess I still harbor some resentment. But she has made true attempts to change. I also read most posts like this and there is another person involved. Well, there is not another person in this story. I am not having an affair but other then that my story is similiar to many. I feel guilty that I want out. I have three beautiful children. We have tried counciling. I just feel like we have (or I) grown apart and do not feel that connected. Are there many that experience this without having an affair? It can be a strong yearning to find someone you truly love. Maybe it is silly but that does not make feeling go away. I guess I would welcome comments on this general subject.
umbo Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Guest why don't you become a member. If you can find your way to work. YOu can find a way to rekindle the love for your wife. Hey why don't you take some time of working and work on youre marriage. It would be a great investment and a smart move. Your beautiful wife loving you and looking to you to provide your family needs you don't ever give up on your family.
ataloss Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 I find it interesting that only one person responded to this thread and that one response was to never give up on your family. I'm wondering, why does not feeling "in love" with a SO mean you are giving up on your family? My exH cheated on me several times and we were not able to recover from it or rather we weren't able to communicate to one another the issues that caussed the A in the first place, so does that mean that we gave up on our family, our children? Guest, if you are still reading, I think what you are feeling is completely normal. I think most of us can honestly say when it come times for a break up, there is some guilt. For me it was because I wondered if I tried hard enough or I didn't listen enough or I wasn't patient enough or I didn't love enough in the first place. I guess you could say I felt like I owed my SO because I blamed myself for not having the feelings I thought there should be in a relationship. I think this feeling of guilt has applied to every one of my past relationships, whether I was the one breaking it off or the other person was. I think it's human nature to feel that way. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to tell you that you should follow through with the separation or a divorce, I just want you to know that you aren't alone in the way you feel. It's very confusing and stressful, I know. Good luck. Been married 21 years to high school sweetheart. Looking back, was never head over heals in love I guess. I just felt comfortable with her and we naturally progressed into marriage. Well, anyway, over the years we have grown apart. I have that, I love you but not in love with you feeling. Yes, there were some issues over the years of some unmet needs of mine that I guess I still harbor some resentment. But she has made true attempts to change. I also read most posts like this and there is another person involved. Well, there is not another person in this story. I am not having an affair but other then that my story is similiar to many. I feel guilty that I want out. I have three beautiful children. We have tried counciling. I just feel like we have (or I) grown apart and do not feel that connected. Are there many that experience this without having an affair? It can be a strong yearning to find someone you truly love. Maybe it is silly but that does not make feeling go away. I guess I would welcome comments on this general subject.
ilmw Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 I find it interesting that only one person responded to this thread and that one response was to never give up on your family. I'm wondering, why does not feeling "in love" with a SO mean you are giving up on your family? My exH cheated on me several times and we were not able to recover from it or rather we weren't able to communicate to one another the issues that caussed the A in the first place, so does that mean that we gave up on our family, our children? Guest, if you are still reading, I think what you are feeling is completely normal. I think most of us can honestly say when it come times for a break up, there is some guilt. For me it was because I wondered if I tried hard enough or I didn't listen enough or I wasn't patient enough or I didn't love enough in the first place. I guess you could say I felt like I owed my SO because I blamed myself for not having the feelings I thought there should be in a relationship. I think this feeling of guilt has applied to every one of my past relationships, whether I was the one breaking it off or the other person was. I think it's human nature to feel that way. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to tell you that you should follow through with the separation or a divorce, I just want you to know that you aren't alone in the way you feel. It's very confusing and stressful, I know. Good luck. The probable reason no one has responded to this thread yet... is Its monday...morning and the working posters are not at work... also up here in Canada its Thanks giving monday... so be patient...k As for giving up on your marriage... you do have options... there are ways to rekindle love in a marriage... It is worth a try... just try new things... Guest... have you invested in any books... done much reading? There are many books out there that can give you an idea... just use google and you will see.... Plus there are folks on here who will give much insight into what you are going through... listen and learn... have an open mind... Then again... its up to you... Keep posting.... it helps
Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Ataloss: Thanks for response. I believe you are right, that my feelings are normal. I just happened upon your response today, as I posted it over a month ago. And not that there is anything wrong with first response, it is typical and understood that advice of that nature would be given ……..I guess I search for more of an explanation of what I am going through and since I am not in an affair, I guess it is harder to answer….who knows. But as much as I want to find an answer, it ultimately comes down to my decision. Ilmw: “Guest... have you invested in any books... done much reading? There are many books out there that can give you an idea... just use google and you will see.... “ I have done a lot of reading over the years on this subject as well as visiting sites like this. I always thought the concepts of emotional needs and love bank type stuff was common sense. But my wife was one to let it go in one ear and out the other. I found myself withdrawing from marriage years before I finally concluded I wanted out. Only then did she open her eyes. And although she is a nice person, great mother, etc and is trying hard………I do not feel like the connection will return. And I need that connection with someone. “there are ways to rekindle love in a marriage.” This seems impossible to me. Maybe it is my personality. Maybe too much damage was done over the years. Maybe we really have grown apart……who knows. How many people had one foot out the door and rekindled their marriage?? I would assume percentage is very low.
dgiirl Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 Depending on the time, some posts get pushed down further quickly before anyone has a chance to respond. I find it odd that someone would deliberately dig up an old post and point that out and criticize the response that was given. If you want another view point represented on this forum then join the community and do so. But dont criticize the people who are trying to help in their own way too. Anyways, to the OP, if he's still around. Yes, it's perfectly normal to feel that "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" feeling in long term relationships. That "I'm in love with you" feeling is usually associated with those butterfly feelings that happen in the first 2 years of a relationship. After that, the chemicals in your brain start to wear off, and your love grows into a more mature love. Many people endure this until one day they experience a "wake-up" call which is usually triggered by having those "in love" feelings for someone else. Many dont have affairs, but there is usually someone else they are infatuated with. So my first question would be if there is a new "friend" who you kind of fancy but have not done anything with yet? Even if that's not the case, I still see that you and your wife have put a lot of effort into fixing the problems. However, you do mention about unmet needs and although she's put some effort into changing that, you still harbour some resentment. Nothing will get better until you let that resentment go. And you HAVE to let go of that resentment either in this relationship, or even in your next. This is the emotional baggage people tend to carry around with them that destroy relationships. You need to work through that resentment in order to have a healthy relationship. Without knowing the specifics, I cannot really offer any more advice, but I think you need to work on forgiving your partner. Forgiveness is more for you than for her. Forgiveness allows you to let go of that resentment. And that resentment is only eating you alive. You need to let it go. After you are able to do that, then you can truely work on your marriage. And if it still doesnt work, then I think you've earned your right out. But you need to be able to leave your marriage without any guilt, and the only way to do that is to know you've honestly tried everything.
ataloss Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 I'm sorry if it sounded as though I was criticizing, I wasn't, not intentionally anyway. I guess I just thought that most people would have experienced the feelings of guilt that the guest had expressed and would have had comment on it. I was shocked to see that nobody had posted as such and did start a new post "Just wondering...." to see if more people would comment on the subject. Depending on the time, some posts get pushed down further quickly before anyone has a chance to respond. I find it odd that someone would deliberately dig up an old post and point that out and criticize the response that was given. If you want another view point represented on this forum then join the community and do so. But dont criticize the people who are trying to help in their own way too.
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