Guest Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Vent. This would be the first time I've put my story out on a public forum, I guess. I've talked to all of three people about my issues, and kept it a secret from all others I've known and cared about. Part of me is due to the fact that my family is speckled with infidelity; my father's been involved with other women. My mother, with other men. I grew up despising the concept of extra marital concepts. But. Funny how things turn out. I met the MM a while back, while I was in another job. At first, it was little more than friendly conversation. I was a sales person. I wanted to get my work done. We flirted. We started talking more over the internet, and that led to the occasional lunches with him. He's done a few silly things on my account before, including crossing the city to a place he's never been before just to take me out to lunch. It went on for a year, and at times, things almost pushed the boundaries of what was right. I pulled away for a few months, refusing to let his marriage be endangered. From what I can tell, he has been in a quiet marriage, the kind where career comes first for the time being. Quiet, but functional marriage. No kids. Four years or so. I started talking to him when a project we found both of us on came to play, and the friendship started again. The flirtation was minimized already, replaced by friendliness and understanding and I thought it'd be fine. A few months ago, I found out that his wife has been having an affair for a year with someone they want as a future employer. I found out about the argument, the explosive accusations, the fact they've feigned a happy face on the outside and held each other at arm's length on the inside. I tried my best to help, as he's someone I regarded as an extremely close friend. We talked about the issues, I let him vent. We flirted again, at seeming random. He came out with me and my friends, on several occasions. Anything, to get him a life outside of the work-home situation he had. I didn't flinch away when we got close again. Perhaps, I should have. About a month ago, we ended being intimate. Things have been awkward, a little. Recently, he told me that he loves me, that he has for a long while but he never acted on it and part of me wants to believe him. In spite of this, the larger part wants me to pull away. I don't know what to expect or to think. Most stories I have involved innocent parties, on the part of the spouse. My MM is a man of integrity, outside of this. As far as I've known him, and those who've known him, he's a good person. The one time I flirted too hard back, ages ago, he withdrew himself. There was always a limit till recently. .. but, yeah. I'm confused. Part of me wants to walk away, the other part wants to tell him he had better divorce his W if he wants me to stay. The other part just wants to not think about it. First two options good, last bad. Thanks for reading this far, if you have. The venting was good.
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Back off and point him in the direction of marriage counselling. If you are a friend to him and want to help, that is what you need to do. If you don't, you'll get so caught up in his life, his marital problems and unfortunately you'll be the one really hurt. You're not the right person for him to talk to about his wife and her affair. YOu're too emotionally attached to be objective.
Joelle Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 .. but, yeah. I'm confused. Part of me wants to walk away, the other part wants to tell him he had better divorce his W if he wants me to stay. The other part just wants to not think about it. First two options good, last bad. Thanks for reading this far, if you have. The venting was good. Hmmm, considering your input, I say emotionally detach yourself from the situation, and tell your MM to work on his marriage. Then adopt a wait-and-see attitude, but don't expect anything from him. Let his actions speak for themselves. Hope this helps.
Guest Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 I'm confused. Part of me wants to walk away, the other part wants to tell him he had better divorce his W if he wants me to stay. The other part just wants to not think about it. First two options good, last bad. Thanks for reading this far, if you have. The venting was good. Figure out what you want first. Ask yourself if you love him. Then ask yourself what you want from him. Then ask him what he wants with you. Ask many questions and then make a decision as to what you need to do... tell him you cannot be with him unless he's D (if that's what you want) or walk away if that's what you need to do. If you decide you need the former and you tell him that's what you need and he does leave his W, read the book, "how to survive your boyfriend's divorce" you'll need it. Good luck
norajane Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Anything, to get him a life outside of the work-home situation he had. That's what you are for him - an escape, something that he has outside his work-home situation. As long as you stay in this affair with him, you are making it easier for him to handle his work-home situation and you are making it easier for him to stay with his wife. You are enabling him to stay in his current situation rather than making a decision to either work on his marriage or end it.
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