Meg_77 Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 My fiance and I split up 3 weeks ago, been engaged 2 1/2 yrs together for 3. We moved in together after 5 months and engaged after 6. I totally totally thought I was set for life, something I never thought I would feel, I couldn't believe my luck. I dearly loved his family too and we had planned to have kids. However, over the course of time things changed for him wanting space and things between us became distant. Intimacy stopped about 8 months after it began and due to moving 3 times for various reasons within the 3 years, we were very unsettled. I am a v shy person with not much confidence. My life really was him and the relationship and when things in bed virtually stopped and the sex we had became a quick and v upsetting experience for me I sought help and advice via book and internet. I tried to talk to him and tried to give him the space he needed but could only ever cope with about 2 weeks before I would burst into tears feeling so hurt with the lack of warm hugs, kisses and touches. In fact he never 'groped' me (in a nice way) sexually, never told me he loved my body. Because I had so little in my life apart from studying, (my friends I had lost from my previous relationship) and not being able to make friends easily after moving so many times - my world was him and studying at college (which I am not enjoying anyway - I have a year to go). It soon became a huge issue and he would avoid contact with me incase I wanted more. Eventually we went to relationship counselling. I thought what we were sorting out was a sex/affection issue but no. It's just that the relationship turned out to be not what he wanted/needed/expected. He was used to his own space and was worried approaching 35 he still had not achieved anything he wanted to and didn't feel able to do that whilst being in a relationship with me. Now - I can accept that. Totally gutted beyind belief and of course I feel like I have really messed up the best thing in my life - but I'm not going through all that on here because I need to focus on now. Because now is without him and now I am really struggling. I have lived here for a year and studied in the same college for 2 years. I have made only 1 friend at college and I have one friend out of college. the 1 friend has a baby and lives about 15miles from me accessable by 3 buses (I have no car) and my other friend is now a mutual friend of my ex, never has any money to go out. I am really low on money too. All I want right now is just some guy to just give me the biggest cuddle for hours and tell me that I am ok. I know it sounds rubbish - and I don't know why a guy - but I feel so so alone. I don't want to talk to my mum any more because I know how worried she is about me. I just don't know what to do next. I am desperately trying to find somewhere to live as I am still in the same house with him. I still have college work to do from last year but can't do it because I am so down. My performance in work is causing 'unmentioned' tension and I have been told to take a couple of days to try and find somewher to live - but I have been looking and can't find anything suitable - It just feels like there is no-one out there. No-one who can help me with anything. I'm fed up of bawling on my 2 friends, I don't want to lose them or p them off with constant talking about it and being upset. I just wont let myself have anytime to go out for walks, see my mum start a yoga class or whatever because I should be doing my colege work. But I can't face it because I feel like I have gone so long with pain I need some pleasure somewhere, the college work feels like further punishment. But I don't want to fail college. What shall I do? Please help !
superconductor Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 As difficult as it is, focus on your college career. The pain of the relationship loss will subside, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.
db75 Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Meg, First and foremost you must remember that you are going to be okay. You will not always feel this way. Break-ups are some of the hardest things someone will face in life and they hurt like hell. But again, you will be okay. Hard as it is, you must focus on yourself now. Don't look to the past.. other than to learn from it. You keep looking forward. Your future is now whatever you want it to be. You will see the sun again and you will love again one day. The road from this day to that may be rough in spots, but you will reach your destination. I know it's hard having so few friends. I'm going through a similar thing right now. My GF of 3.5 years and I split up about 6 weeks back. She was also my best friend and my activity partner. I feel pretty lost at times without her, but I have to keep pushing forward. I keep myself pretty busy at work during the week, but the weekends are pretty tough. Most of my friends are married w/ kids, in relationships, or busy. I find myself having to go out alone alot, it's really hard, but I'm getting used to it. Consider joining some sort of club or social group. It would be a great way to meet new people and make some new friends. Plus it would keep your mind off the past. That's something I'm going to do this week. There's a social club of folks around my age who just get together and go out and have fun. Good luck to you Meg.
kitesurfer Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 suck that you are so far away from. i'd gladly hold you and comfort you. however, there are some nice guys out there but you won't find them until you break free from the relationship you're presently in. find the time and the money and move! don't stay where you're not wanted and appreciated. living alone by yourself in new suroundings cannot be worse then what you have now. they say it gets better--hasn't for me yet--maybe just different. hang in there!
Teacher's Pet Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Hey Meg... Look up on your screen. See the banner that says "Loveshack.org"? You have friends. Trust me. I came here 6 days after being dumped on my ASS by "THE ONE"..... And I found friendship, acceptance, and what I'd like to think are 2 lifelong friends here..... Now I offer it back to you. If you were in Jersey, I'd take you up on that offer to cuddle. Just don't get fresh. -tp
Teacher's Pet Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I will cuddle with you !!! *looks around* Me? :) -tp
Author Meg_77 Posted September 13, 2006 Author Posted September 13, 2006 Thanks everyone who has responded. I wasn’t expecting any! And the implied hugs made me feel much better (weird hey?) it has helped so much just for people to even take the time to respond in such a caring manner. Superconductor – thanks for your succinct words, straight to the point, I know I should be putting this first because at LEAST I have something I am building on and to not have anything would make things even tougher. And boy would I be resentful in a few months time if I messed up over this. So thanks db75 – I am lucky in the fact that I believe eventually I will be ok. But it’s hearing practical advice on what and how to think, and focus on right now that I really needed. Even just to hear that someone else in this world has the same thoughts going through their head about it being so nerve wrecking when you embark into new social groups. Quite often it feels like I am the only one feeling so lonely and it feels like a weakness – but when I hear that people are going through the same it stops being a weakness and becomes a challenge that I can face because other people are – so can I. I hope you find new friends in your social club you are going to - I’d be interested to know how it goes for you. But yes – you are right – I can do WHATEVER I WANT NOW! Wow – that sounds exciting Thanks for your kind words ks – I am dreading being on my own in a new place. I haven’t lived on my own for over 10 years – which to some I’m sure doesn’t compare, but relatively speaking considering my age (28) it’s my first time as a mature adult, always lived with bf's you see. Last time was I was on my own I actually remember achieving little things – but they made me feel so strong. Things like – being able to sleep with the light off, no radio, nothing, totally dark and silent and feeling totally unafraid and comfortable in my big double bed! Sounds ridiculous hey? But no matter how silly the achievement – it made me feel strong an independent. I look forward to my own place for that – and you are right – there is no room for any new relationships yet – not until I can sleep with the light off again in my own place! Lol - your cuddle made me feel very comforted and calm , thanks…. as did tp’s and bj06’s. I can’t believe the support on this site. I have never found one like it! Now it’s time to see why the hell other people have ended up in here! All experienced in some way where love is concerned – I’d like to say mostly good – but hey! We can laugh about it can’t we that we all together feel like s**t !! hoorah – no longer alone. Ah – well – that’s not to say people in here haven’t moved on to lead wonderfully happy lives and found the love of their dreams (b******s), I’m sure they have. But you know what I mean….. lol – gosh, how rude I must sound all this swearing. Can you tell I am feeling better for this? Thanks guys. All of you – you have put a smile on my face today and it’s helped a lot.
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