Guest Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Why is everyone jumping on the OW? Why doesnt everyone look at what is going on the the Marraige that allowed there to be an affair. When someone gets caught cheating the other person always asks why? And more than usual they get an answer that is along the line of what is or has been going wrong in their relationship. It takes two to tango - There is the MM or MW that has the affair with the OW/OM. And then there is the Husband/Wife thats has issues with their spouse for an affair to be possible. Yes there are those select few that are A**holes that need to cheat. Friend of mine found recently her husband has been cheating...She has thought he has done it before years ago but never confronted him. This time she just happened to finally open her eyes. She has decided to try and save the marriage for the sake of her children. Even though her husband has admitted to being in love with the other woman. She doesnt trust him and knows how he truly feels for the other woman. She thinks he has the problem. Why hasnt she looked at what maybe she has done to push him in that direction. Example: He got his tongue pierced 10 years ago....She hasnt really kissed him other than on the cheek since, said she just doesnt like it.. She has never asked him to remove it. Basically when asked she says she really doesnt care. Says she really doesnt like or care for being physical.... Wow...we wonder why he cheated
serial muse Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 oh for christ's sake. people of the OW/OM board: NO ONE denies that affairs indicate deep problems in a marriage. okay?!? however. if you've ever been married, you may be aware that deep problems often exist in a marriage - as they will in any kind of long-term relationship. it's a question of adjustment to others' needs, which may or may not dovetail with your own. that can be difficult for many, many people. some of those people are less self-aware than others. some are less able to communicate their needs than others. some suck more than others. we're all individuals. often, people who can't reconcile their needs should get divorced. i wholeheartedly support that. but it's facile to say that affairs can be expected when such problems exist. there are a gazillion ways to deal with such problems. having an affair is only one, and a fairly drastic one at that. A (unhappy marriage) does not lead inevitably to B (affair) - regardless of what B suggests about A. A could have gone in various other directions, sidestepping B altogether. think of it this way. both parties, presumably, are experiencing the unhappy marriage. yet, most often, only one has the affair. that's not to say the other person is dealing with it properly or healthily, either - but it does go to show that we all have CHOICES. guest - perhaps your friend's husband should have just left the marriage. no?
blind_otter Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Problems in your relationship don't give you the green light to cheat or betray another person's trust. Problems in a relationship give you the green light to get counseling, or end the relationship. It's just that people don't want to do the work so they distract themselves and end up entangled in something even more complex. That's how human beings are, it's absurd and sad at the same time.
rossi Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 My husband had an affair one year ago, sep 11/05. He ended up the affair bacuse i found out about. He said we were having problems, that's why he did it. I told him why don't you leave me and stayed with the OW, he said because i did not wanted to be with her, but i know he wanted to F....ck her. Today we don't have any issue in our marriages. he stoped seen his friends every Saturdays as he used to do, now i'm happy with him because he is always home, they calle him to go out with them and he said not thanks, I"m busy with my family. Now i realized that he had to have an affair to realized how important his family is to him, and how much he loves me. I don't understand why men keep saying that they had affair because they had problems in the marriage. Finally my husband told me that he had the affair because he wanted not because our problems. as someone said, problems are every where in every marriage and even with the affair partner. It is so easy to say that. I told my husband if he had the affair because our problems it was not the first time that he cheated on me as he said, he did it who knows how many times, because we always had the same problems in 13 yeas, he was always with friends specially on Saturdays, drinking and chearing with cheaters men.
silktricks Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 well, duh - ya think? Of course there are problems in the marriage if one of them cheats! That's really not the point, though. When there are problems the problems need to be worked on by the two people involved in the marriage. For one of them to decide to have a fling of any kind (EA or PA) then that person has unilaterally made a decision that strikes at the foundation of the relationship. As SM said, problems do not automatically lead to an affair. Every marriage has problems, because every marriage involved two people - and no one agrees on anything all of the time. But mature people will work out their problems, and if they can't be worked out will terminate the relationship BEFORE entering into a new relationship with another person. Often the affair is due to meeting someone who will make them feel wonderful, when the situation at home is making them feel like sh*t. Sometimes, it's because they are angry and hurt and want to beat up on their spouse without actually striking a blow. But none of that really matters. The responsible action is to either fix or terminate the relationship you are in, not go running off to someone else to feel better in the short term.
Spinderella Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 I agree with this ST, and more often than not (but not always), the percieved lack from BS toward WS that made them feel the need to cheat, really was blown out of proprtion to actual events. Some cheaters I know, who ended up alone, have regretted it, and realised how easy and safe life was with their husband/wife, and realised how they took that for granted. However, it is usually both partners taking this for granted. Still, I think the original poster, was trying to say why blame the OW in these situations, when it really is up to both marriage partners to maintain the marriage, which is also true.
Guest Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Why is everyone jumping on the OW? Why doesnt everyone look at what is going on the the Marraige that allowed there to be an affair. When someone gets caught cheating the other person always asks why? And more than usual they get an answer that is along the line of what is or has been going wrong in their relationship. It takes two to tango - There is the MM or MW that has the affair with the OW/OM. And then there is the Husband/Wife thats has issues with their spouse for an affair to be possible. So do you fancy yourself a problem solver, a solution to said marital woes? Or are you just intending to add to the problems?
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