Going Crazy Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Greetings! I hope someone reads this post/thread, and is able to help me gain some sort of objectivity here... This is my very first post here (actually my very first post in a public forum), and I feel desperate for any feedback that would help me understand/cope a little better/not jump out the window... I'll try to make this brief, although it is kind of a complicated situation- Basically, I've been in a very serious relationship for the past 6 and a half years... We truly do love each other, and want to be together/work this out (we are actually planning on getting married very soon), but there has been multiple instances of infidelity in the past 2 years (he cheated on me 3+ times), and he also broke up with me at one point, completely out of the blue, because he was going through a hard/confusing period... A lot of (too much) pain and emotional trauma that I can't seem to get over... *Before I continue on, I have to play devil's advocate, and say that in the beginning of the relationship, he experienced a lot of pain because I cheated on him... And in his defense, he has tried to be accommodating/reassuring to my fears of future infidelity (on his part of course)... but now he is just fed up with me because I'm still not over everything and my suspicions/behavior is "making his life a living hell"...* Obviously we are back together now, and I have done my best to be patient and understanding of everything, to let go and move on. However, unfortunately I feel I have turned into a PSYCHO because I can't seem to trust him (even though he repeatedly tells me that I just have to trust him now in order for us to move forward...)... Especially when I see females that are attracted to him (and possibly females that he is attracted to??), and who actually flirt with him (and sometimes I feel that he is flirtatious as well) IN FRONT of my face, and/or when there are instances that I find blatantly disrespectful to me and our relationship... BUT he won't acknowledge it, doesn't consider it flirting, doesn't consider whatever the situation I am upset about to be inappropriate, etc, and completely deflects it as me being "paranoid" and "insecure". Literally shuts me out completely, won't hear anything I have to say, tells me that I'm driving him crazy with my suspicions and "interrogations", doesn't want to talk to me, etc... He even says that this is MY problem, not his, and he doesn't see why he has to help me with this because I'm just wallowing in the past and dragging us through the muck... He wants me to "just get over it once and for all", or else this relationship is doomed... (*Clarification*: "Helping me" just simply means being honest with me, not closed off, and willing to talk about and/or acknowledging inappropriate behavior/relationships... Is that too much to ask???) Needless to say, OF COURSE I'm trying to get over this... I am DESPERATE to not feel like this anymore... It's a living hell for me to feel like this on a daily basis, and his behavior/attitude/actions are anything but helpful and actually makes it worse... It drives me COMPLETELY INSANE when he won't acknowledge when there is inappropriate/disrespectful behavior... He can get very very stubborn, and will basically shut me out, close the door in my face, etc... which is very frustating and makes me incredibly FURIOUS, and I start to completely lose control (yelling, screaming, pushing, etc...) Now I know that is no way to act, and I'm not saying that I am "in the right" to act out like that, but during those times, there is nothing I can really do, and as I already said, I simply just lose control and experience RAGE. And I know I can simply just walk away, but I feel that will be me "giving in"- if I just "let it be", if he doesn't understand certain things, there will be future instances of infidelity FOR SURE... and I can't just sit back and watch/let it happen in front of my face just because he doesn't want to deal with it/refuses to face the facts... I've already let him know that it really doesn't jive well with me when he shuts me out like that, is disrespectful to me and our relationship/doesn't acknowledge certain behavior/instances that are very disrespectful, etc... I've asked him numerous times- Please help me, help us, by not shutting me out/being ridiculously stubborn... But it's like a button that he keeps pushing until I react, and then he condemns me for reacting/acting in that way... even though he knows that it drives me crazy when he "pushes my buttons"... ABSOLUTE FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!!!!! I've tried to be calm and rational and speak to him in a nice/civil tone, and let him know my concerns, but it doesn't do jack ****. Once his walls are up, once he doesn't want to hear something, ESP when it has to do with GIRLS and mistrust, there is no way to get through to him. And that just really makes me absolutey lose it... Which doesn't go over with him very well at all. He absolutely HATES IT when I get like that, to the point where he'll say very very hurtful things (including statements along the lines of how crazy I am, how the sight of me is despicable, how he doesn't want to be with me, etc...), and he will lash out violently as well. And worst of all, it makes him close up even more where he absolutely REFUSES to speak to me/reconcile in any way... In his head he has done nothing wrong, and I am just a belligerent psycho nutcase... Which feeds my rage even more, and the cycle continues... WHAT DO I DO???????? Have I completely lost my mind??? It's gotten to the point where I am suspicious of most, if not all interactions with girls (because he gets so "stand off-ish" and closed off/uncomfortable/unwilling to let me know what kind of a relationship they have)... And it's even gotten to the point where I feel I've lost all objectivity as to what is appropriate behavior and what is not, because he keeps telling me that I'm a paranoid freak... I have a very strong intuition, esp when it comes to things like this, and I've tried my best to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'll see little things here and there that just doesn't seem to be appropriate behavior... There really is a very fine line between appropriate/inappropriate behavior/relationships with the opposite sex, and I don't get the sense that his lines are clearly drawn... Breaking up is not an option, because like I said, we really do love each other, and want to be with each other... but this problem is not going away... If anything, it is getting worse and worse... I've been experiencing severe depression and anxiety for the past 2 years now, and I don't know what else to say, except that I am now truly at my wit's end... I guess this is not very brief at all... *THANK YOU* to whoever took the time to read this, and I would greatly greatly GREATLY appreciate any advice anyone has for me... All the best, and hoping to hear from someone soon, Going Crazy
silktricks Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 If the two of you really love each other and want to be together, then it's going to take some work from both of you to resolve trust issues. First, you, GC, should get some individual counselling. You need to be able to get a better perspective of yourself and your own issues. You need to be clear on why you cheated in the first place. (Possibly the two of you were too close and you cheated to create distance? Possibly you couldn't handle a relationship? Possibly you were on a rebound from another relationship? Probably none of these, but my point is that you need to know what caused it.) Second, you need to relearn what is acceptable behavior between men and women, so that you don't go crazy every time you see him in conversation with another women. There are a lot of women on the face of the earth, and he's going to converse with them - probably fairly often. Third you need to figure out if you really truly DO want to marry this man. Being scared your entire life is not a recipe for happiness. Then, I would strongly suggest some pre-marital counseling for the two of you. You have issues to resolve together. You've each cheated, so hopefully you can both be done with it, but it does seem like the two of you are into a cycle of payback that may NEVER come to a conclusion. Trust is a very hard thing to regain once it's been lost. It takes an immense amount of work on the part of both people. The one who has been betrayed usually can't "just get over it". Discussion (preferably calm and rational discussion) is a must. Usually the betrayer doesn't get that, as they feel that the meat is pretty much being pulled off their bones everytime the subject comes up. The betrayer needs to at some time feel safe that it's really over, and they won't get raked over the coals again. The betrayee may not realize that's what they are doing, because they FEEL the NEED to talk about it until the subject become mundane. Since you've now been each, both betrayer and betrayee, hopefully you can understand HIS need to have the subject be closed. Anyway, as I said I STRONGLY recommend counseling, both individual and together to see if the two of you really can work through your issues. It sounds like you have a lot of them. Best wishes.
LakesideDream Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 From reading your "brief" missive, I have no clue why you want to marry this guy. You cheat on him. He cheats, treats you with distain, humiliates you. This guy is a complete loser, and you need to do some maturing. Cut your losses and move on.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Hi Going Crazy, Believe it or not, I can see your situation chrystal clear. You love each other, but you (both of you) don't know how to deal with anger, aversion, rejection, etc. It is a skill that needs to be learned and practiced every day until you get it! Definitely, get individual counseling... especially for you, since you are 'going crazy'. Do not put this on the side. I've had counseling myself, and I can't say enough how much it's helped me. May I ask how old you both are? Your ages is relevant to how you should treat these 'recuring episodes'. If I were to guess, I'd venture that you are in your early 20's and that this marriage hasn't been very long. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Best wishes.
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