comments and ideas

[migs]

My wife left seven months ago--not without reason (no, not infidelity, I'm very loyal--but I did take her for granted). One day it was just "I don't want to be your wife or lover, I will be your "friend". There were some problems--she couldn't let go completely as I took her daughter as my own, and she adores me, and she's very attracted to me physically. Although I showed very little affection outright, I did so in other ways. She moved under her older daughter's urging (babysitter and housekeeper) and visited me every other month. My stepdaughter (I don't normally refer to her as that, just for clarification) stayed with me for the summer. I have a son who is 27 and autistic--he adores my wife, and he lives with me. I bought a fairly large home that she loved, but when she moved, she wanted me to sell the home, uproot my son who is extremely difficult to change, etc. and live with her. Her son in law is part owner of a dairy farm, she is on workmen's comp for her back, she was offered an office job on the dairy with permission to leave when her back became too painful, and after an argument with her older daughter that was her fault, she was offered a rent and utility free house on the dairy. Since we have separated, she has played many childish games. She was calling me three times a day, and started to act like it was more of an obligation, missing her lunch, etc., so I told her not to call so much then. She started taking me for granted and being very disrespectful. She still brings up the three times that she was mistaken for my mom even though we are the same age, it bothers her even though she knows my love does not rely on physical appearance. Any time a topic came up that she was uncomfortable with it was "off the table"--if I discussed it I was being "negative", and if she was here she would threaten to leave. My normal way of handling issues like this would be to tell her to leave if she wants, but I gave in, feeling guilty (after looking at this objectively I observed that I had little to feel guilty for, and dropped it, but not before I allowed her to play some childish games). When I complained of the lack of respect, she said "I just won't talk to you anymore" and hung up. When she visited and I wanted to spend time cuddling, she told me she could not get close to me without wanting to have sex, and that's what we did. She started calling once a day, then her daughter would call and say "my mom won't be calling tonight because she's walking the dog"--a new chihuahua, or a TV show was coming on that she wanted to see so she couldn't call, not even for a few minutes. She is living in a small farming community, and I am everything she desires--very attractive, intelligent, well-educated, great dad, big heart, my moral code precludes me from being unfaithful, something I have never broken--and I'm 52. After being told she would be late in calling on the weekend and not calling, I sat back an looked at the picture objectively. She has mentioned (after watching me rejecting a pick up attempt right in front of her) that "we always want what we can't have". She's very critical of her older daughter because her son in law works hard and she does nothing other than sit in front of the computer all day and spends money--the kids are not taken care of, the house is filthy, she never cooks, and this guy works long and hard days. Then I saw the hypocrisy--she want's to stay married to me, claims she's always been in love with me, but what is she doing for me? She wants me to jump thru hoops by selling the house, uprooting my son, and moving over there to live in the house on the dairy--at least until we found another home. My job is here, I bought this home for us--here. She stated that she'll never move back here. After we argued on the phone, she suggested that I move over there and we can "date". She has literally used me as "arm candy" to impress people when she lived here, something I went along with but resented. Now she has a single minded goal of wanting me to move into the dairy house after I've sold this one, and uprooting my son with is very difficult for someone with autism. After looking at the big picture objectively, I started NC without any explanation or warning. At first she called and complained that she couldn't reach me, then she had my stepdaughter call (my achilles heel) and act angry because her mom couldn't reach me, then she called and said she was worried about me and had no way to check on me to see if I was alright. I truly don't want her to worry, but I do want her to get the message: if I am not given more priority than her new dog, TV shows, etc. I'm walking. What she "threatened" in the "I'm just not going to talk to you anymore" phone call, click, I'm now doing without warning or explanation. I want her to understand that I deserve more than playing second fiddle to whatever, and I won't tolerate it anymore--my first step is walking away, the second will be divorce papers. It's been seven months, and I don't recall signing up for the priesthood to become celibate. She wants me to drive down and stay with her for a week, something that is somewhat difficult because of my son, but not impossible. I want her to see that living in a house on a dairy that is running in the red, even if it's rent and utility free is not preferable to living in a house that's paid for and is yours. I allowed her to get away with the childish games (things we played in high school!!), but will not anymore, that I have enough of a spine to walk away like I did in my last marriage (I filed) when I knew it wouldn't work. Why didn't I "explain myself"? She would have turned everything I stated around and played a childish manipulative game with it. I want her to wake up, see what she has, and convince herself of what she wants one way or the other with a little practicality and logic, and I'm stepping back so she can do that.

 

Well, after three days of NC and many calls from her, she was going to call the police to check on me and then drive down here, so I called. I discussed divorce four times--the first time she had a fit and said that I just wanted to play around, a manipulative game. The next two times I suggested she should find someone close to where she lives as she won't come back, and she told me she only wants me, she doesn't want anyone else. I told her she wouldn't hurt me, and she could blame the divorce on me, but she didn't want it--tho she said if I brought it up then I must want it. The third time she said she wanted it, that we would both be happy alone, etc., and was tired discussing it. She then told me she knew that it would hurt me, to stop playing games and she would too. She was very close to my mom, and I remember her talking to my mom like a prayer at night when she lived here, asking for her help with me. She told me she cried herself to sleep almost every night for a year because I wouldn't sleep with her, and only stopped after she left. She also told me she still talks to my mom, and when I asked what she said, it was for help with me. She is starting to talk to me far longer since I did the three days of NC, almost three hours at a time--she wants me to move in with her and has started to prepare the house on the dairy for me an my son to move in. She also says that she has a job waiting for me, that we can make it just fine with both of us working over there, and the money from the house would be useful but not mandatory. My daughter has stated that she wanted me for the money, but my wife has pointed out that when she met me on the internet and moved in with me I had very little money and no prospect of increased wealth. When my parents died unexpectedly, I inherited a lot of it. She is right on this. She is acting full of power and claims that if we divorced she is emotionally strong and would not feel it that much. But she also says that she refuses to view the marriage as "if it doesn't work out" as this is what makes it so easy for people to just walk out of it. She wants to keep a positive attitude, but then said even if it didn't work that I'd be better off there than here. I said I though she didn't want to view the marriage like that, and she stated that she did not say "if it doesn't work", but wanted to show me how much better a place it is that she's living. I admitted that what she pointed out about the difference between loving someone and being "in love" there was no difference--I had to concede I was wrong. I asked her if she was in love with me, and she said she's always been in love with me since we first got together. Her actions toward me when we were together were so loving (she did TOO much for me, she made me collages when I lost a pet, she was the kindest, most compassionate, best woman I have ever been with. She stated that the games she played after we split were due to her bitterness and resentment, and she was intensely angry with me. While she says she is still bitter, she's doing everything she can to help me move in with her. I have never been physically attracted to her, though she is intensely and obviously strongly physically attracted to me. But I don't sense the same "spark" there once was, and she claims it's because relationships change and if that spark was there once it can be there again. Both of us have become angry over the years and attempted to picture ourselves separate--but neither of us can do it. There is an attraction that goes way beyond physical or romance that we both recognize but don't understand what or why it is. We literally "read" each other's minds so often that it's just something that's become normal. I can read something on a cup that I bought years ago, and the next time we talk she will mention the cup and what it says, almost as if she can see and think what I do. I was a very close-minded skeptic about these things when I first met her, but I have seen waaay too much since then. I am an open minded skeptic now. We have some powerful connection that neither of us understands but has become so obvious that we simply don't try anymore. I could go out in one night and have my pick of far more physically attractive women, but despite my moral block in this area, I would not trade her for any other woman on this planet. My stepdaughter is so much like me, it's like she inherited nearly every part of my personality and intellect--and this observation does not come from me, but from everyone who knows us. I can't do NC without her doing anything she can to check on me. Despite her claim of emotional strength (some of which is true, as the men in her life have hurt her terribly), I know she's not as strong as she is acting, it is false bravado, an act. I recall her saying she didn't want to give me "false hope", then leading me off to bed shortly afterward. I don't know what to do--for her acting so indifferent, she is doing everything she can to get me to visit and move. I am willing to move in with her, BUT I must gain my power back, I can not allow her to control me under any guise. How to do this W/O using NC is beyond me. She seems upset and bewildered that after she left I was able to lose a lot of fat and build a very buffed body in a short time--something that is easy for me and part of what I have done in the past after breakups. At first she said I was "too skinny" and "buffed". When my stepdaughter pointed out that this was an illogical observation, she said no more, but later asked me "how I did that". It seemed as though she was upset by it and competitive. She can't do this because of the reduction in nerve impulses due to back surgery. Her body is deteriorating due to muscle atrophy, and though what I did actually increased her physical desire I feel that her anger is due to some form of envy/competition/wanting me to fall apart without her? Yes, her body is aging and she looks ten years older than her chronological age. I know her ego is affected by this, but the truth is I will not even consider another woman as long as I am with her, not even look. This seems not to matter to her though. If it sounds complicated and I seem confused, well I am. Relationships all have a "power" balance, and she seems dead set for a complete power grab. I'll go 50/50, but that's it--but HOW do I get there? Any ideas or help/advice is appreciated.

 

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